Posts By Michelle COLLINS

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In Today’s Random Lesbian News, Circa 1989

foster2.bmpWhen we first found out that Jawbone Sally, aka Jodie Foster, was “together” (air quotes signifying relations of the sexual nature) with bombshell Kim Basinger, we thought “Move over, Oprah and Gayle! There’s a new lesbian sherriff in town!” An Ebay listing for a “Dirt Alert” sent to an employee at the David Hockney studios confirmed that the two A-list actresses were indeed an item, albeit way back when in 1989. While the news may seem surprising, color us unimpressed. You just know Foster is hiding a thicket of Baldwin-esque chest hair, and would no doubt kick his ass in a wife-beating competition.

In other lesbian news, Jake Gyllenhaal is slated to play Lance Armstrong in his upcoming biopic. So that explains their undeniable sexual chemistry!

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The Official Beginning of World War III

HICKS.jpgThere’s been a lot of talk lately about how the fighting in the Middle East is going to lead to World War III, and up until today, we’ve been skeptical. That is, until, we read this headline: “Idol Stars To Provide Relief At White House Middle East Talks“. Then we realized… this is it. The Official End of the World. When Taylor Hicks is called into the White House to act all constipated while you kick back with your Capitol Hill brahs… well, we picture Terminator 2-style nuclear playgrounds in the near future. Hopefully, a Seacrest-1000 from the year 2056 will be sent back in time to prevent this little concert from taking place.

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Frozen Face-Off: Linda Evangelista Barely Speaks

LindaEvang.bmp90′s Supermodels Linda Evanglista and Christy Turlington are trying their damndest to stay relevant, speaking out on the types of world issues Angelina Jolie could only dream of: Botox. Evangelista, who is slowly morphing into the corpse of Walt Disney, claims that while she is Pro-tox, she still would “like to keep some movement in my face.” Yeah, that’s always a good idea. Christy Turlington, appearing at a pro-facial-expression drum circle, says she loves her aged, barely wrinkled, pampered face. Not that any of this matters anyway — those old hags will never work in this town again.

So who do you think is right? Melt-face or Perma-grimace?

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Best Of The Best Week Ever

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  • Project Runway faces its biggest scandal yet. That is, until the world discovers that Heidi Klum‘s accent is totally fake.
  • Britney Spears beholds the beauty of a tiger. A good-for-nothing, unemployed, white bengal tiger with cornrows, surely.
  • Barbara Walters doesn’t understand Black women’s hair. Even Hugh Downs is like “Whaaat an iiiidiot.”
  • BWE Presents: 1,001 Ways to Photoshop Matthew McConaughey Into Embarassing Situations
  • Jason Mews kicks his heroine habit and immediately transforms into Christian Bale.
  • Lindsay Lohan, David Spade and Kid Rock prove that the fighting in the Middle East is not the only sign of the impending apocalypse.

To check out all the other happenings this week, make sure to watch Best Week Ever tonight at 11! And do take a sip of alcohol any and every time a reference to poop (or crap) is made. Don’t question it, just trust us.

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Bargain Alert! Hugh Jackman’s Jeans Sell for $22,000

hugh.jpgIf only I would have known that Hugh Jackman‘s jeans were for sale!! Some lucky guy-slash-gal picked up a pair of Jackman’s dungarees for a mere $22,476 — which, the way I see it, is only a dollar a day if you were to wear the jeans daily for the next 61.5 years. That is assuming the buyer will actually wear them, and not just perform the obligatory crotch-sniff as a daily wake-up call. Nicole Kidman‘s pants went for only $8,200, likely because the only person who can fit into them is a 6-foot-tall 3-month-old.

The good news: It’s still not too late to buy Matthew McConaughey’s car! Bidding is already up to a moderate $47,000. Hopefully the buyer of Jackman’s jeans can get his hands on the car as well, as the combination of the two items together would no doubt blow up the universe’s collective Gaydar.

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Celeb-Esteem Intervention: Uma Thurman Edition

uma-thurman.jpgIt’s a rare day when we feel any kind of sympathy for a beautiful, A-list Hollywood star, but somehow, Uma Thurman has us sulking. First of all, we hear that the statuesque Uma is unhappy with her appearance, particularly with her ears, adding that her face looks like “two fish swimming” in between them. Now, if this was an observation we would have made, it would clearly be hilarious… but if she actually thinks that? Well, then it’s really kind of sad… Uma, you’re gorge!

Thurman is also struggling to find a new man after her last relationship with hunky hotel mogul Andres Balasz fizzled out. She blames her celebrity status on the lack of interested suitors, but we’re beginning to think it might have something to do with her bad attitude. So, if you know Uma, or are within 15 feet of the woman, make sure to shower her with non-stop, over-the-top praise. Some examples: “Uma, have I ever told you that your ears were molded by God himself?” or “Oom, it’s so funny, but I was just thinking how your face looks nothing like two fish swimming side by side.”

Unless this is a huge sympathy ploy to drive people to her new movie, My Super Ex-Girlfriend. In which case, don’t you dare pay that conniving woman a compliment.

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ICYMI: Saving The World, $10 At a Time

The reviews of Lady in the Water are in, and they are not good. So instead of spending $10 to sit through 2 hours of evangelical mumbo-jumbo, check out this hilarious and yet terrifying short video called “The Life and Death of a Pumpkin,” and spend the remaining hour and fifty-five minutes organizing an angry letter-writing campaign to M. Night Shame-he’s-lame.

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Looking Good, Feeling Good, Ashlee

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Check out this picture taken of Ashlee Simpson in New York City yesterday. Something about it is kind of confusing. Let’s begin with her face. She looks good following her nose job and possible lip plumping, you have to admit that. Good tan, standard issue 45-pound sunglasses, fake hair likely ripped from the hands of cancer patients. What’s confusing is her t-shirt. Ashlee apparently never got the memo that girls just don’t do… scat — I mean that, sorry… “that”. Why spend thousands on a face transplant if you’re just going to have people picture it all squinched up on a toilet somewhere? You wouldn’t wear a shirt that said “I’m So Happy I Could Just Skin A Baby”, would you? We imagine Jessica Simpson is looking very upset right now — assuming she still has the ability to make facial expressions.

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Ethan Embry, Where Have You Gone?

It rarely happens, but when it does, it’ll knock the wind outta ya. I refer, of course, to celebrity aging. Take, for example, Ethan Embry. When I think of Ethan Embry, I think of the adorable teen heartthrob from Dutch, Empire Records, and the most underrated movie of our time, Can’t Hardly Wait. So when I read the Go Fug Yourself headline “Celebrity Giamatti Watch: Ethan Embry“, I didn’t quite catch their meaning. Ethan Embry… Paul Giamatti… two of the finest actors of our time, sure… but that’s about the only comparison I could think of. It’s been years since I’ve seen Embry, but come on — how bad can a handful of years age you?

Well. Prepare to yell out a resounding OMG (as I did), and take a look at this current picture of dear, sweet, adorable Ethan. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still marry him… but I’d totally have upper hand.

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