Two bits of news today have reinvigorated our faith in Hollywood and the whores that run it. Let’s get to the soul-crushing news first. 12-year-old Dakota Fanning, an actress who’s been in the business for 37 years, will be sucking more than human souls in her upcoming movie Hounddog. In an effort to blindside Oscar voters, Fanning will play a little girl who gets (Ed Note: Brace for shock) raped in one scene, and may appear nude in other scenes. Pardon us while we wash our eyesockets out with a flame thrower.
On the bright side, the world is bending over backwards at the news that Heath Ledger has been cast as the Joker in Christopher Nolan‘s upcoming Batman sequel. Heath Ledger and Christian Bale on screen together? I’m calling Brokeback chemistry! Check out our rendering of Heath as “The Joker” below — do you think Ledger can pull it off?
To those not familiar with Brit-Rock band Muse, here is a good way to describe them: They sound like Radiohead when Radiohead meant Radiohead and not a gaggle of robots armed with deadly bell noises. That is to say, you can listen to Muse all the live long day and never really get tired of the songs. After hearing their latest album, Black Holes and Revelations, the good news is they’re sticking to their Radiohead-ness and not drifting off into Martian-Synthesizer-Ville. To get an idea of their sound, check out this wacky video for their single “Knights of Cydonia”.
It’s 2:32 p.m., and you know what that means: Time for a round of Celebrity Math! Scroll down and see if you can guess what the equation adds up to. Here’s a hint: His upcoming movie should be renamed Unfunny Teen Comedies Must Die.
Rocky Balboa, the highly anticipated sixth sequel in the Rocky franchise, will be poorly enunciating its way to theaters this Christmas. But for those of you too pumped on roids to wait another six months for Sly Stallone‘s stair-climbing goodness, worry not. In Living Color had the comedic intuition to make their own Rocky 6 way back in 1990. You might need to drink some water while watching: Seeing Jim Carrey actually be funny is cause for an aneurysm. Also, we’re not sure what the deal is with those foreign-looking subtitles, but we pray that the real Rocky Balboa will follow suit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to slap some bracelets on my wrists and practice my Fly Girl routine.
Blender Magazine compiled a pretty accurrate list of the 25 Biggest Wusses Ever. Although number 2 on their list doesn’t make any sense: Nick Lachey. Wuss? No way. This is the same guy who was man enough to pick-up Jessica Simpson‘s laundry off of the ground. And he was totally making his trademarked “angry face” when he was doing it. And he can totally kick your ass… in a falsetto singing competition. So there.
Who do you think is the biggest wuss ever?
Some might call it coincidence, other might call it a trend. Yesterday, Daniel Baldwin (the Baldwin you have trouble picturing right now) crashed a rented Thunderbird into two parked cars (including a Hummer) while travelling at 80 mph. Reports now say that Baldwin was driving under the influence, although they haven’t specified whether it was the influence of alcohol or his leading man good looks.
And last night, doe-eyed angel Haley Joel Osment lost control of his pimped 1995 Saturn and slammed into a brick pillar. While there is no word as to his condition, here’s hoping all that robot talk in A.I. wasn’t a joke, and that Osment will be back to his creepily friendly self in no time.
We hate to be superstitious, but you know the old saying: B-List Tragedy Happens in Threes. Which is why we have this little word of advice to send out into the universe: Jonathan Lipnicki, whatever you do, do not set foot in a car. Walk, rollerblade, hang glide if you have to… but don’t drive! You’re the only way my dream of Jerry Maguire 2 will ever be realized.
If you’ve ever wondered how freaky Joel Siegel and his porn-stache get, the answer is finally here: Not… really… that freaky at all. As reported in today’s Page Six, movie critic Joel Siegel stormed out of a screening of Kevin Smith‘s highbrow comedy Clerk’s II, screaming while scrambling for the aisle “Time to go! First movie I’ve walked out of in 30 [bleeping] years!” (Although, I distinctly remember seeing him flee the theater in the middle of Splash, Too.) The tasteless scene that caused the walkout? Two characters debating whether or not to hire a woman to perform sexual favors on a donkey. Siegel, a famous ass lover and punster, would never tolerate such baseless humor.
Smith retaliates with a long-winded anti-Siegel diatribe on his personal blog (I didn’t get to finish, as I stood up halfway through reading it, announced “I’m leaving”, and stormed out of my office for the first time in 3 minutes.) Then, this morning on the Opie and Anthony Show, Joel Siegal gets the Punk’d-style treatment, when Kevin Smith, on the line anonymously, chides the critic for his unprofessional actions. (You can hear the mp3 here.)
If you want our opinion, Smith should be combing every stache-hair on Joel’s face as thanks for this free publicity. The highlight of the affair will be what headline Siegel ends up pundering. In case he’s a little low on ideas, here’s a few to inspire him:
These “Clerks” Aren’t Worth Checking Out
“Clerks” Are Jerks With None Of The Perks
Silent Bob Should Keep [Bleeping] Mouth Shut
Clerks II — More Like Clerks Doo Doo
All Jokes Aside, I Want To Die
Lindsay Lohan, David Spade, and Kid Rock engage in a karaoke threesome. God must have been out picking up his dry cleaning or something.
Any ideas as to who the Fourth Horseman is?
Every now and again, while sitting through some 12-hour Real World marathon involving performing oral sex while simultaneously puking up your breakfast, memories of the solid sitcoms of yesteryear will flood our memories, the solid laughs, enjoyable storylines, fictional characters more pious and successful than ourselves. When did reality shows all start blending into one another?
So what is it going to take to revamp the world of reality programming? Here are a few ideas that would renew our passion for reality tv.
Don’t “Degauss” your screens: That is indeed Jack Nicholson’s bulge! No word yet from the Nicholson camp about the healthy bulge he’s sporting, but there’s no denying it: those shorts are letting his bulge shine through! Hopefully, it’s a genuine bulge, and not just some extra water-weight he’s carrying around in his crotchal area.