We gotta hand it to our friends over at TVGasm for catching this clip from early nineties movie Soapdish. If anyone was to have a show hotter and sandier than Laguna Beach, it would have to be Robert Downey, Jr.
Posts By Michelle COLLINS
The reviews of Lady in the Water are in, and they are not good. So instead of spending $10 to sit through 2 hours of evangelical mumbo-jumbo, check out this hilarious and yet terrifying short video called “The Life and Death of a Pumpkin,” and spend the remaining hour and fifty-five minutes organizing an angry letter-writing campaign to M. Night Shame-he’s-lame.
Check out this picture taken of Ashlee Simpson in New York City yesterday. Something about it is kind of confusing. Let’s begin with her face. She looks good following her nose job and possible lip plumping, you have to admit that. Good tan, standard issue 45-pound sunglasses, fake hair likely ripped from the hands of cancer patients. What’s confusing is her t-shirt. Ashlee apparently never got the memo that girls just don’t do… scat — I mean that, sorry… “that”. Why spend thousands on a face transplant if you’re just going to have people picture it all squinched up on a toilet somewhere? You wouldn’t wear a shirt that said “I’m So Happy I Could Just Skin A Baby”, would you? We imagine Jessica Simpson is looking very upset right now — assuming she still has the ability to make facial expressions.
It rarely happens, but when it does, it’ll knock the wind outta ya. I refer, of course, to celebrity aging. Take, for example, Ethan Embry. When I think of Ethan Embry, I think of the adorable teen heartthrob from Dutch, Empire Records, and the most underrated movie of our time, Can’t Hardly Wait. So when I read the Go Fug Yourself headline “Celebrity Giamatti Watch: Ethan Embry“, I didn’t quite catch their meaning. Ethan Embry… Paul Giamatti… two of the finest actors of our time, sure… but that’s about the only comparison I could think of. It’s been years since I’ve seen Embry, but come on — how bad can a handful of years age you?
Well. Prepare to yell out a resounding OMG (as I did), and take a look at this current picture of dear, sweet, adorable Ethan. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still marry him… but I’d totally have upper hand.
Two bits of news today have reinvigorated our faith in Hollywood and the whores that run it. Let’s get to the soul-crushing news first. 12-year-old Dakota Fanning, an actress who’s been in the business for 37 years, will be sucking more than human souls in her upcoming movie Hounddog. In an effort to blindside Oscar voters, Fanning will play a little girl who gets (Ed Note: Brace for shock) raped in one scene, and may appear nude in other scenes. Pardon us while we wash our eyesockets out with a flame thrower.
On the bright side, the world is bending over backwards at the news that Heath Ledger has been cast as the Joker in Christopher Nolan‘s upcoming Batman sequel. Heath Ledger and Christian Bale on screen together? I’m calling Brokeback chemistry! Check out our rendering of Heath as “The Joker” below — do you think Ledger can pull it off?
To those not familiar with Brit-Rock band Muse, here is a good way to describe them: They sound like Radiohead when Radiohead meant Radiohead and not a gaggle of robots armed with deadly bell noises. That is to say, you can listen to Muse all the live long day and never really get tired of the songs. After hearing their latest album, Black Holes and Revelations, the good news is they’re sticking to their Radiohead-ness and not drifting off into Martian-Synthesizer-Ville. To get an idea of their sound, check out this wacky video for their single “Knights of Cydonia”.
It’s 2:32 p.m., and you know what that means: Time for a round of Celebrity Math! Scroll down and see if you can guess what the equation adds up to. Here’s a hint: His upcoming movie should be renamed Unfunny Teen Comedies Must Die.
Rocky Balboa, the highly anticipated sixth sequel in the Rocky franchise, will be poorly enunciating its way to theaters this Christmas. But for those of you too pumped on roids to wait another six months for Sly Stallone‘s stair-climbing goodness, worry not. In Living Color had the comedic intuition to make their own Rocky 6 way back in 1990. You might need to drink some water while watching: Seeing Jim Carrey actually be funny is cause for an aneurysm. Also, we’re not sure what the deal is with those foreign-looking subtitles, but we pray that the real Rocky Balboa will follow suit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to slap some bracelets on my wrists and practice my Fly Girl routine.
Blender Magazine compiled a pretty accurrate list of the 25 Biggest Wusses Ever. Although number 2 on their list doesn’t make any sense: Nick Lachey. Wuss? No way. This is the same guy who was man enough to pick-up Jessica Simpson‘s laundry off of the ground. And he was totally making his trademarked “angry face” when he was doing it. And he can totally kick your ass… in a falsetto singing competition. So there.
Who do you think is the biggest wuss ever?
Some might call it coincidence, other might call it a trend. Yesterday, Daniel Baldwin (the Baldwin you have trouble picturing right now) crashed a rented Thunderbird into two parked cars (including a Hummer) while travelling at 80 mph. Reports now say that Baldwin was driving under the influence, although they haven’t specified whether it was the influence of alcohol or his leading man good looks.
And last night, doe-eyed angel Haley Joel Osment lost control of his pimped 1995 Saturn and slammed into a brick pillar. While there is no word as to his condition, here’s hoping all that robot talk in A.I. wasn’t a joke, and that Osment will be back to his creepily friendly self in no time.
We hate to be superstitious, but you know the old saying: B-List Tragedy Happens in Threes. Which is why we have this little word of advice to send out into the universe: Jonathan Lipnicki, whatever you do, do not set foot in a car. Walk, rollerblade, hang glide if you have to… but don’t drive! You’re the only way my dream of Jerry Maguire 2 will ever be realized.