Every now and again, while sitting through some 12-hour Real World marathon involving performing oral sex while simultaneously puking up your breakfast, memories of the solid sitcoms of yesteryear will flood our memories, the solid laughs, enjoyable storylines, fictional characters more pious and successful than ourselves. When did reality shows all start blending into one another?
So what is it going to take to revamp the world of reality programming? Here are a few ideas that would renew our passion for reality tv.
Don’t “Degauss” your screens: That is indeed Jack Nicholson’s bulge! No word yet from the Nicholson camp about the healthy bulge he’s sporting, but there’s no denying it: those shorts are letting his bulge shine through! Hopefully, it’s a genuine bulge, and not just some extra water-weight he’s carrying around in his crotchal area.
Here’s a question to digest before lunchtime: When did model/actress Isabella Rossellini turn into a clean-shaven Zach Braff?
Our hearts are a bit a-flutter, and we’re feeling a little bit nauseous. Chances are it’s because we just took another spin on that crazy love rollercoaster known as the “Kid Rock and Pam Anderson Wedding Nuptuals Whirly-Go-Round.”
It was announced today that the on-again, off-again pair are totes ON-again, following a romantic jaunt in St. Tropez for Pam-Pam’s 39th birthday, where Kid proposed. (Sidenote: Only 39! She doesn’t look a day over 415.)
While few details about the wedding itself have been released, our minds are racing: What will Pamela wear? Do they even make such a thing as sheer, thong wedding gowns? Will Kid Rock, aka Bob Ritchie (no relation to Nicole) have his wife-beater bedazzled? Trimmed with lace? Will they order their cake from Masterbakers? Because they’re trashy like that? Or will Pam have her implants removed for the big day, to class it up a little?
Perhaps most importantly, what will their wedding song be? “Afternoon Delight”? “Freak Like Me”? Leave your guesses in the comments!
Our second favorite song off of the Gnarls Barkley CD, “Smiley Faces”, now has an incredible video attached to it. And it has the added bonus of being narrated by our favorite psycho-cum-actor, Dennis Hopper. It’s so good, it almost makes you forget that it’s 150 degrees outside and that your contact lenses just melted in your eyes.
Link via Stereogum
Yes, we’ve been on a bit of an Oksana Baiul kick lately. But I think what the below pictures prove is that Adrien Brody, her rumored new squeeze, is a total Trekkie. See if you can figure out which of the below people is a Klingon (Lietunant Worf, to be exact), and which is just a leetle too clingy. Feel free to guess in the comments section.
Mine heart, it weeps for thee, Star Jones. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’d rather you hear it from me, a true friend, than from some other anonymous web-stalker. It seems your husband, that handsome universe of pizzazz Al Reynolds, was spotted visiting a divorce lawyer last week… Oh Star, honey, I know it’s awful. Come here, shhh… shhhh, it’s ok.
Yes. Yes, I know the media is hard on you, sweetheart. No, of course you don’t look like a bug-eyed bag of demon bones! I’m sure Al is very good to you. He bought you that purse? Wow, it’s gorgeous! And your dress… the shoes and that wall hanging? You are a lucky lady. Well, I guess you were a luck girl, anyway. Ha? No? We hear ya.
No, Star, you look fantastic. Everyone thinks so. Star, don’t — don’t eat that cupcake. Nobody wants to see you binge eat yourself to death, honey. No, Star, now, now put that lasagna down — No, not the entire rack of ribs, bones and all! Star, wait, that cow isn’t even dead yet! Star, please, your stomach — think of the staples!
Oh, who are we kidding. Cram it in down that filth-spewing hole in your face, darling. I hate to say it, but you’ve earned it. Now here’s hoping we never have to look at the two of you again.
Link via Gawker.
Amidst the other Project Runway controversy, people seem to be forgetting about the tragedy that befell one of the show’s models, as reported last week. Jia Santos (real name Eliza Jakubek), a Hungarian model competing for a shoot in Elle Magazine, was hit by a city bus while riding her bicycle to the show’s studios. She was taken to St. Vincent’s Hospital, where she was in critical condition with a fractured skull and eye socket.
BWE has gotten exclusive word from inside her very hospital room as to the model’s recovery. Our correspondent alerts us to the following news:
- Jia is OK, and will be released soon. Her bloodwork just needs to get better so she can have a “filter” removed. (Ed Note: Medical experts in our offices have no idea what that means. Also, we don’t have any medical experts.)
- Her manager is named Javier, and clearly wants to exploit her accident to get press.
- She hates Jello and turkey, but does like pears.
We are happy to hear that Jia has recovered, but we are simply overjoyed that a model (a real-life model!) has any opinion about food whatsoever. And hey — we hate Jello too!
As far as her manager trying to exploit the accident, you can’t really blame the guy. I mean, eye patches are so hot right now.*
*We would normally never joke about a tragedy like this, but come on, she’s gonna be OK!
The Blogging Project Runway blog received a personalized note from accused Project Runway cheater Keith Michael yesterday, in which Michael denies allegations of copying his application portfolio from major designer labels. In the poorly punctuated memo (presumably written on a bedsheet, Marquis de Sade style) Keith says, “the panel of judges that reviewed my work had many years of experience behind them. i found them neither ignorant, uninformed or in any way confused about their own profession.” Well, gee, thanks so much, GOD, for reassuring us (albeit sarcastically) that these extremely qualified, successful fashion folks aren’t “confused” about their life’s work. If there’s one way I would never think to describe Michael Kors, it would be “confused.” Personally, I would choose to describe him as a Mystic Tanned Cowardly Lion… but one firm in his beliefs.
One thing is certain: We cannot wait to see TV’s sexiest professor Tim Gunn fire a couple of rounds into this guy — sexual pun intended. Make it work!
Think back to a few years ago, when Adrien Brody was Hollywood’s “It Boy”. With his Oscar in hand, and Halle’s saliva in his piehole, the guy was on top of the world. A little while later, some of you may have seen a thin layer of glitter covering the ground, remnants of Brody’s star falling. But nothing — nothing — could prepare us for the item in today’s Page Six: Brody was seen “snuggling” with Ukranian ice skater/drunk driver Oksana Baiul at a pre-ESPY party in LA. While Brody is denying the claim (and you know Oksan-san is throwing a mail-order-bride fit in some random hotel room right now), just the idea of it is still quite scarring.
Then it occurred to us: Has Adrien Brody’s career really taken a turn this far south? Wethinks yes. And in order to prove out point, we’ve created a painfully accurate, highly mathematical graph, which we’ve called “Adrien Brody’s Fame-O-Meter”, to prove our point. To wit:
CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO ENLARGE!
Is it too late for Brody to climb back to the top? Will his upcoming movie with Ben Affleck, Hollywoodland, allow him to reclaim his status as a leading man? You decide!