If you’ve ever wondered how freaky Joel Siegel and his porn-stache get, the answer is finally here: Not… really… that freaky at all. As reported in today’s Page Six, movie critic Joel Siegel stormed out of a screening of Kevin Smith‘s highbrow comedy Clerk’s II, screaming while scrambling for the aisle “Time to go! First movie I’ve walked out of in 30 [bleeping] years!” (Although, I distinctly remember seeing him flee the theater in the middle of Splash, Too.) The tasteless scene that caused the walkout? Two characters debating whether or not to hire a woman to perform sexual favors on a donkey. Siegel, a famous ass lover and punster, would never tolerate such baseless humor.
Smith retaliates with a long-winded anti-Siegel diatribe on his personal blog (I didn’t get to finish, as I stood up halfway through reading it, announced “I’m leaving”, and stormed out of my office for the first time in 3 minutes.) Then, this morning on the Opie and Anthony Show, Joel Siegal gets the Punk’d-style treatment, when Kevin Smith, on the line anonymously, chides the critic for his unprofessional actions. (You can hear the mp3 here.)
If you want our opinion, Smith should be combing every stache-hair on Joel’s face as thanks for this free publicity. The highlight of the affair will be what headline Siegel ends up pundering. In case he’s a little low on ideas, here’s a few to inspire him:
These “Clerks” Aren’t Worth Checking Out
“Clerks” Are Jerks With None Of The Perks
Silent Bob Should Keep [Bleeping] Mouth Shut
Clerks II — More Like Clerks Doo Doo
All Jokes Aside, I Want To Die
Lindsay Lohan, David Spade, and Kid Rock engage in a karaoke threesome. God must have been out picking up his dry cleaning or something.
Any ideas as to who the Fourth Horseman is?
Every now and again, while sitting through some 12-hour Real World marathon involving performing oral sex while simultaneously puking up your breakfast, memories of the solid sitcoms of yesteryear will flood our memories, the solid laughs, enjoyable storylines, fictional characters more pious and successful than ourselves. When did reality shows all start blending into one another?
So what is it going to take to revamp the world of reality programming? Here are a few ideas that would renew our passion for reality tv.
Don’t “Degauss” your screens: That is indeed Jack Nicholson’s bulge! No word yet from the Nicholson camp about the healthy bulge he’s sporting, but there’s no denying it: those shorts are letting his bulge shine through! Hopefully, it’s a genuine bulge, and not just some extra water-weight he’s carrying around in his crotchal area.
Here’s a question to digest before lunchtime: When did model/actress Isabella Rossellini turn into a clean-shaven Zach Braff?
Our hearts are a bit a-flutter, and we’re feeling a little bit nauseous. Chances are it’s because we just took another spin on that crazy love rollercoaster known as the “Kid Rock and Pam Anderson Wedding Nuptuals Whirly-Go-Round.”
It was announced today that the on-again, off-again pair are totes ON-again, following a romantic jaunt in St. Tropez for Pam-Pam’s 39th birthday, where Kid proposed. (Sidenote: Only 39! She doesn’t look a day over 415.)
While few details about the wedding itself have been released, our minds are racing: What will Pamela wear? Do they even make such a thing as sheer, thong wedding gowns? Will Kid Rock, aka Bob Ritchie (no relation to Nicole) have his wife-beater bedazzled? Trimmed with lace? Will they order their cake from Masterbakers? Because they’re trashy like that? Or will Pam have her implants removed for the big day, to class it up a little?
Perhaps most importantly, what will their wedding song be? “Afternoon Delight”? “Freak Like Me”? Leave your guesses in the comments!
Our second favorite song off of the Gnarls Barkley CD, “Smiley Faces”, now has an incredible video attached to it. And it has the added bonus of being narrated by our favorite psycho-cum-actor, Dennis Hopper. It’s so good, it almost makes you forget that it’s 150 degrees outside and that your contact lenses just melted in your eyes.
Link via Stereogum
Yes, we’ve been on a bit of an Oksana Baiul kick lately. But I think what the below pictures prove is that Adrien Brody, her rumored new squeeze, is a total Trekkie. See if you can figure out which of the below people is a Klingon (Lietunant Worf, to be exact), and which is just a leetle too clingy. Feel free to guess in the comments section.
Mine heart, it weeps for thee, Star Jones. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’d rather you hear it from me, a true friend, than from some other anonymous web-stalker. It seems your husband, that handsome universe of pizzazz Al Reynolds, was spotted visiting a divorce lawyer last week… Oh Star, honey, I know it’s awful. Come here, shhh… shhhh, it’s ok.
Yes. Yes, I know the media is hard on you, sweetheart. No, of course you don’t look like a bug-eyed bag of demon bones! I’m sure Al is very good to you. He bought you that purse? Wow, it’s gorgeous! And your dress… the shoes and that wall hanging? You are a lucky lady. Well, I guess you were a luck girl, anyway. Ha? No? We hear ya.
No, Star, you look fantastic. Everyone thinks so. Star, don’t — don’t eat that cupcake. Nobody wants to see you binge eat yourself to death, honey. No, Star, now, now put that lasagna down — No, not the entire rack of ribs, bones and all! Star, wait, that cow isn’t even dead yet! Star, please, your stomach — think of the staples!
Oh, who are we kidding. Cram it in down that filth-spewing hole in your face, darling. I hate to say it, but you’ve earned it. Now here’s hoping we never have to look at the two of you again.
Link via Gawker.
Amidst the other Project Runway controversy, people seem to be forgetting about the tragedy that befell one of the show’s models, as reported last week. Jia Santos (real name Eliza Jakubek), a Hungarian model competing for a shoot in Elle Magazine, was hit by a city bus while riding her bicycle to the show’s studios. She was taken to St. Vincent’s Hospital, where she was in critical condition with a fractured skull and eye socket.
BWE has gotten exclusive word from inside her very hospital room as to the model’s recovery. Our correspondent alerts us to the following news:
- Jia is OK, and will be released soon. Her bloodwork just needs to get better so she can have a “filter” removed. (Ed Note: Medical experts in our offices have no idea what that means. Also, we don’t have any medical experts.)
- Her manager is named Javier, and clearly wants to exploit her accident to get press.
- She hates Jello and turkey, but does like pears.
We are happy to hear that Jia has recovered, but we are simply overjoyed that a model (a real-life model!) has any opinion about food whatsoever. And hey — we hate Jello too!
As far as her manager trying to exploit the accident, you can’t really blame the guy. I mean, eye patches are so hot right now.*
*We would normally never joke about a tragedy like this, but come on, she’s gonna be OK!