This is Kim Kardashian on the cover of Marie Claire:
No, I swear it’s her. Well, that’s what the fine people at Marie Claire are saying anyway, even though it looks more like than America’s Favorite Divorcée (not copyrighted) Kim Kardash. Because really, could it looks any LESS like Kim? She is photoshopped to within a blurred inch of her life! The only way to make Kim Kardashian look any less Kardashian like would be to run her visage through one of these filters:
5. Kim Behind A Shower Door:
Well, well, well, what do we have here? I’d say it’s the perfect brunch after you’ve Kathy Bates’d The Gosling from his hole in the Lower East Side into your roomy Brooklyn studio, wouldn’t you? Yes, some brilliant fan out there has fashioned a Gosling out of something as simple and human as Bisquick Shake & Pour, with brilliant results.
Needless to say, I’ll be doing my makeup slightly differently in the coming weeksin case I happen to bump into Pancake Gosling.
In short: I would like to eat the sh*t out of this pancake. Goodbyyye!
Randy Rainbow (his real name) has released his latest Youtube opus, and for fans of politics and/or people who dream about a calling up a (young) Rick Perrywhile drunk, this one’s for you guys. According to Randy, here’s how it all went down:
I was at a party this weekend with a buncha stiffs. It was pretty lame, so I left right after they closed the bar and asked me to leave, twice. The booze was cheap, the music sucked, but the guys were all over me. Here’s what went down after hours.
Randy, my love, you could do better!! Like Mitt Romney/Rahm Emanuel style.
Anyway here’s Randy eating pizza, drinking wine, and ignoring calls from Herman Cain. When are we gonna brunch together again Randy!?!? #publicplea (how sad)
Ever wonder what it would feel and look like the moment right before Michael Fassbender leans in to make out? Well using cutting edge technology and severe mental illness, BWE has finally made all your dreams come true. Dim the lights, down a bottle of wine, and stare at this:
Fassbender was named one of GQ‘s Men Of The Year, under the title “Breakout.” I think they meant it like “We hope he can ‘breakout’ of those pants in the backseat of my Impala.” Other Men Of The Year include Jay-Z, Jimmy Fallon, Justin Timberlake and shockingly, Mila Kunis, who I’m pretty sure stuffed the ballot box to make it on this list. (EUPHEMISM)
Back to Fassy: Did he Minority Report Anderson Cooper’s eyes?? What Alaskan Husky is walking around blind because of this man? He’s a monster. A hot, German, blue-eyed, I-can-even-ignore-his-yellow-teeth, strapping devil monster.
Now if you’ll excuse me, me, this GIF, and alllll the pillows in this photo have a date tonight. Byeeeeeee.
There’s a new product on the market for dogs out there looking for a fast and liquid way to unwind. It’s called Bowser Beer, and it’s beer for dogs made out of barley and homemade beef or chicken broth. (Stop the pressed, I’d also drink it.) The beer is non-alcoholic, but no need to pour it into Amstel Light bottles for your little guy – dogs can’t read. They also don’t know what beer is but will probably still lap up this “beer,” which again, the more I’m learning about it, the more I’m realizing it’s really just meat-flavored water. Meat flavored water that’ll set you back $20 a six-pack, assuring that it is a dog beer that will probably only be purchased by rappers and college students too drunk to realize that they’re buying 6 Cock-a-Doodle Brew’s instead of their usual piss.
But you know what? I can’t even hate on the good people behind Bowser Beer because they took the time to dress up a Golden Retriever as a waiter at Chevy’s. That takes both time and class.
More sh*tfaced dogs ahead!
Damien Walters is a self-described “professional stuntman, gymnastics coach and free runner.” So what does this mean for you? This means that every year, Damien, who I’m renaming “Not human probably an alien,” releases a special show reel of him doing flips, twists, turns, and stunts that boggle the mind and coccyx.
Here is a comparison of things Damien can do vs. things I can do:
Damien does a backflip over a patio table and manages to put a hat on his head without using his hands.
I can splash a third of my latte on myself at Starbucks while attempting a bold move of putting a Splenda in it.
This is just one example of both of our talents. Here’s the real question though: How is this guy not on some kind of Olympic team? I don’t think I’ve ever witness anyone this strong and limber. He’s like one ab on feet.
Please watch this and think about it the next time you slip and fall on an icy sidewalk.
This year, MTV held a company-wide contest for the best Halloween costume. The winner? Not a Snooki, or The Sitch, or even a close-up of their wart-covered genitals. No, this year’s winner is something called “‘What Nightmares Are Made Of’ aka Soul Walker.” We also don’t have any idea, but the costume is above, and it’s kind of like Star Wars meets The Jabbawockeez. The creator and “soul walker” insane is Viacom Installation Technician (I don’t know what this means) Eric Lane, who was good enough to take video of his costume accosting little children on some suburban street in the tri-state area.
And let’s just say that Super Mario is still a boss. Because if I was all turned out in a My Little Pony costume as a child and saw this approaching me, my tail would go straight up before the storm if you know what I mean.
Urlesque bring us the new best website of 2011, called appropriately Arthur Recreates Scenes from Classic Movies (link). In it, the brilliant parents of a baby named Arthur recreate scenes from classic movies. What else do you want us to tell you? That’s really all it is. Only Arthur is adorable and the recreations are incredibly realistic. Take a look at our favorite 5 so far (#1 takes it though):
5. The Blair Witch Project
4. American Beauty
Yes, in an effort to prevent future kitten pregnancies and encourage pet owners to get their cats spayed or neutered, they put a cat head on the body of a perma-Duggar. M-SNAP stands for “Mountaineer Spay Neuter Assistance Program,” and honestly, if pregnant cats wore maternity sweatshirts from the 80s, I wouldn’t hate it.
I believe Bob Barker would agree that this poster is totally:
(Pregnancy poster via Reddit, GIF via Preston Olson)
The MTV European Music Awards were last night. For those of you not familiar with the EMAs, the quickest way to explain it is that they’re like the VMAs, only with a lot more exposed penis.
Which makes it the perfect venue for our beloved Adam Lambert to get up on stage and rock out with his virtual c*ck out, singing lead for none other than legendary band Queen. Adam is a sort of a vocal second-coming of Freddie Mercury, and this was a collaboration many have dreamed about, presumably while stroking a body pillow covered in leather wearing an Elvis wig and guyliner.
Adam spends the first minute of the performance in the dark belting out the first few lines of “The Show Must Go On” while a series of anti-epilepsy strobe lights flash in the background. What follows is an epic 8 minutes of Adam and Queen guitarist Brian May jamming in front of thousands of wide-eyed Irish people in Belfast.
By the time they crank up “We Are The Champions,” you’ll be guzzling gallons of throat coat tea amazed at how this guy does it. He needs to do like that Asian lead singer of Journey and tour with Queen on the real.
Ahead, Adam makes an appearance on the HUB’s singing children reality competition called Majors & Minors. The kids, naturally, lose their f**king minds.