Posts By ganjamit

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Hey, Look At Spencer Norton AntiVirus Over Here!

When I first read that Spencer Pratt has decided to leave MTV’s The Hills, I high-fived everyone on my block. Even my elderly dry cleaner who pronounces my name “Tom Gam.” But then I suddenly became very scared. Spencer isn’t going to just go away, right? We aren’t that lucky. It could be way worse for everyone if he leaves the show to pursue acting or politics or open a chain of affordable Manhattan dry cleaners with a heavily saturated marketing campaign.

Then I read this quote from People:

“Upon learning of President Obama‘s declaration that the ‘cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,’ I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges,” he says.

“My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.”

Is that real? Or is Heidi‘s latest plastic surgery giving off some pretty potent toxic paint fumes? If Spencer is, in fact, serious about becoming America’s real life Neo from The Matrix, he should just use his new found powers to spam the Inboxes of America’s cyber-enemies and Nigerian princes with the same cringe-inducing photos he subjected us to for years, like this one:

They’ll stop attacking us within minutes. Then they’ll burn their eyeballs in acid and get American flags tattooed on their lower back. USA! USA!

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The Problems Of A Man And His Body Pillow Wife Don’t Amount To A Hill Of Beans In This Crazy World

Sometimes people spend their whole life looking for that special someone only to find they’ve been sleeping with it every night. And it’s a pillow. According to the UK Metro, a Korean man named Lee Jin-gyu experienced just that. It’s age-old story of boy meets pillow, boy falls in love with pillow, boy enters an eternal union in the eyes of his creator with pillow, and then boy becomes laughing stock of planet.

Before you do start laughing at him though, tell me if this relationship sounds any less functional than yours:

‘He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,’ said one friend.

‘They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,’ they added.

Yea, didn’t think so. Watch the happy couple in action here:

[via Huffington Post Comedy]

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Big Mike Wins American Idol. Show’s Over Folks. You Don’t Have To Go Home, But You Can’t Stay Here.

“We know the show was supposed to run through the end of May, but it is pretty obvious to everyone here at American Idol that Mike Lynche just won Season 9. We’d like to thank the other contestants for coming out this year. You were all very good, but it is just clear now that we already have a winner and there’s really no point in dragging this out.

For the rest of the spring, the time slot usually held by American Idol will be used to air Bones repeats. It’s just in the best interest for America.

Congratulations to our winner Big Mike, and hopefully the rest of you can score tickets for Conan O’Brien‘s live tour or something. Good night and drive safe.”

That’s probably what Simon Cowell should have said last night.

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While You Were Watching Your VHS Copy Of The Lost Boys You Taped Off Cable

  • Fox has pushed back the release of the Oliver Stone and Shia LeBeouf joint Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps from April to September. They are also changing the name to Wall Street: Money Sits On Its Lazy Ass All Summer Playing X-Box.
  • Bravo announced a new series “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” the fifth now in the franchise. At the rate they’re going, Bravo should have a “Real Housewives” series in every town in America by this November.
  • Lindsay Lohan is pushing forward with her lawsuit against E-Trade for their “Lindsay the Milkoholic Baby” ad, insisting it was based on her.  You laugh now, but one day our kids will be all too familiar with the landmark Supreme Court Case of “Lohan v. Logic.”
  • Mario Lopez and his girlfriend are having a baby. If he doesn’t name it Slater (boy or girl) there’s going to be some problems.
  • Bill Gates fell all the way from number 1 to number 2 on the 2010 Forbes Rich List. Someone get on suicide watch ASAP.
  • Jamie Junger won the “Tiger Woods Mistress Pageant” on the Howard Stern show. See kids, dreams really do come true in America.

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Mystery Solved: Jacob From Lost Actually Works For Jackie Treehorn

The other day on Twitter, Mystery Team director Dan Eckman pointed out that we’ve actually known who Jacob on Lost is all along: He is the guy who dunks The Dude‘s head in toilet at the beginning of The Big Lebowski (well, the actor Mark Pellegrino who plays Jacob… but I am under the assumption that all TV shows and movies are real life).

This may not be new information to some, but with recent events unfolding on Lost, it explains why Jacob may actually, in fact, just be a huge a-hole.

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Our Long National Nightmare Is Over: Billy Mitchell Dethroned As Donkey Kong King

If you’ve never seen the documentary The King of Kong, you’re missing the greatest sports movie ever in all of history. Go rent it. Otherwise this means nothing to you and you’ll never realize how empty your life was before this movie came along. I WEEP for you, sir or madam. I weep.

If you have seen it, hold on to your butts. This story is today’s NY Daily News:

A Queens plastic surgeon has been crowned the king of Donkey Kong.

Dr. Hank Chien, 35, racked up a score of 1,061,700 on the classic arcade video game, smashing the old record by 10,000 points. Chien’s dazzling feat was confirmed by Twin Galaxies, the official score keeper of electronic games.

While it’s sad that hero teacher Steve Wiebe did not take down Billy goddam Mitchell again, it’s nice to have a new expansion team in this fight for the very soul of mankind. Because truthfully, we all know judgement day will come down to a single game of Donkey Kong between good and evil, and Billy Mitchell plays for Team Evil.

My hat is off to you, Dr. Hank Chien. Now go get laid, sir (but maybe don’t bring up the Donkey Kong thing beforehand).

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LOST NON-RECAP: Paging “Dr. Linus”

Dan Hopper, your usual Lost-Recapper-In-Chief (that’s his actual title here) is away this week and plans to do a full recap of this episode when he returns. However, because this is the only site on the internet still talking about Lost, we wanted to give you guys a forum to sound off on last night’s episode. I won’t do a full recap, but I have some thoughts of my own about this one before the floor is yours. If you haven’t watched the episode yet, don’t read this. I don’t even know why you’ve made it this far to begin with. Stop ruining it for yourself. Go.

The show opened up with Dr. Sideways Teacher Benjamin Linus teaching a bunch of hopeless, not-special-in-least-but-maybe-one public school kids about Napoleon Bonaparte‘s exile on the island of Elba. I’m assuming this is some kind of metaphor for SOMEONE on the show… but WHO? Probably that flight attendant who keeps popping up this season.

Teacher Ben is also just so sick of being stuck with detention duty and missing his History Club meetings thanks to that dickhead from Die Hard and Ghostbusters in his most challenging acting role yet: a dickhead principal. Maybe when all this Lost stuff wraps, we can get a Glee-esque spinoff featuring Dr. Sideways Teacher Ben mentoring Alex and a ragtag group of students through the world of extracurricular competitive history.

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