Posts By ganjamit

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You Can’t Write This Stuff: The News Talks About Caulk In The Butt

Most working days in the news game you have to talk about stuff like the health care debate or Afghanistan. But, every now and then a special day arrives when you get to talk about a guy in New Jersey putting caulk in women’s butts. That is when it all becomes worth it:

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Someone Please Get Gabourey Sidibe A Talk Show Called “I’d Hit That”

Around the BWE offices we’ve been discussing what Gabourey Sidibe‘s next career move should be after her Oscar nomination and it’s really been racking our brains. Personally, I think the Captain America producers should make a bold and progressive move by casting her as the hero. However, after watching this clip from the red carpet, I realized Gabourey inadvertently answered it for all of us when she saw Gerard Butler and blurted out her awesome new catch phrase, “I’d hit that.”

It’s obvious now. Gabourey should replace Oprah when she retires with a sassy new talk show. Gabourey will talk about the celebrity gossip of the day, and whenever certain male stars are mentioned, she stops, looks at the camera, and says “I’D HIT THAT!” Then, everyone in the audience cheers and we sell a boat load of t-shirts. America already loves you, Gabourey. Let’s make them love you even more. Call us. This is a million dollar idea.

[via Huffington Post]

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCES: Yet Another Photo From Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” Video

We are just days away from the premiere of Lady Gaga‘s new music video and/or Verizon ad for “Telephone.” She keeps leaking new picture from the video on her website, so once again I have a new Photo Hunt puzzle to kill the time between now and Thursday night’s premiere.

Can you spot the differences between these two pictures?

As far as I can tell, the first photo has Pepsi cans in her hair and Coke in the second.

[This video better be REALLY good, Gaga. I made a lot of people sit through some pretty juvenile Photoshopping thanks to you.]

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HELP! I Am Too Horrified By Heidi Montag’s Plastic Face To Decide If This Is Funny

Ron Howard and Funny Or Die released another video to push for a Consumer Financial Protection Agency… I think. Honestly, every time I try to watch it and see Heidi Montag I keep thinking she is one of those frightening Japanese sex robots come to life to seek revenge on mankind. Maybe her next 60 surgeries will fix all that.

Ron, buddy, maybe its best you don’t try to sabotage your own cause with the two most hated people in America:

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The Marketing Geniuses At Disney Discover Girls Are Gross And Have Cooties

A couple weeks back, the trailer for the new animated Disney film Tangled hit the web, which is apparently based on the Rapunzel story. But why not just call it “Rapunzel”? Well the L.A. Times has an answer:

After the less-than-fairy-tale results for its most recent animated release, “The Princess and the Frog,” executives at the Burbank studio believe they know why the acclaimed movie came up short at the box office.

Brace yourself: Boys didn’t want to see a movie with “princess” in the title.

This time, Disney is taking measures to ensure that doesn’t happen again. The studio renamed its next animated film with the girl-centric name “Rapunzel” to the less gender-specific “Tangled.”

So even though Kathryn Bigelow broke an 81 year Best Director Oscar winning streak… DUDES STILL TOTALLY OWN HOLLYWOOD. High fives, dudes. We did it.

No one wants to see some stupid princess complaining about her woman problems for two hours. We want to see swords and stones and space pirates and raining meatballs and TANGLED STUFF. “Tangled” is a movie title I can get behind. It’s strong enough for a woman, but pH balanced for manly dudes with junk.

“Rapunzel”? What is that, a WNBA team or something? Get out of here with your “Rapunzel.” Read the sign. This clubhouse says “No girls allowed.” Dudes, lets all go see Tangled and then hit up a strip club. Guys night out!

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TRAILER MIX: Tron Legacy, B.Y.O. Blacklight

I’m really not sure who this movie is for. Were people demanding a Tron sequel? Or did some studio executive mistake the “Tron Guy” phenomenon for actual interest in the movie Tron? This movie could be Jeff Bridges‘ answer to Jamie Foxx following up his Oscar win with the movie Stealth.

If I didn’t know anything about the original movie, I would have thought this was a big budget adaptation of a 5th grade birthday laser tag party. However, it has a guy dressed as Ziggy Stardust David Bowie playing air guitar on a light up hockey stick, so it can’t be THAT bad:

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While You Were Baking A Shiv In To A Cake For Lil Wayne

  • Betty White has confirmed that she will appear on Saturday Night Live. Hopefully Keenan Thompson is already working on his Rue McClanahan impression.
  • Lindsay Lohan is reportedly suing E-Trade over their new commercial character “Lindsay the Milkaholic Baby,” claiming it is based on her. She is also suing Froot Loops for their new mascot “Cokehead the Anorexic Turtle.”
  • The ratings for this year’s Oscars were up 14% to 41 million people. To ride the ratings momentum, next year’s awards will be hosted by Peyton Manning and renamed “The Super Bowl Olympics Idol.”
  • Kathy Ireland disputes claims that she was on meds or alcohol while interviewing celebrities on the red carpet at the Academy Awards. However, her limp right arm is being suspiciously silent on the matter.
  • Dane Cook and two of the Jonas Brothers have reportedly auditioned for the role of Captain America in the upcoming movie. If any one of those gets the role, I will definitely be moving to Captain Canada.
  • Thanks to Conan O’Brien, the one person he follows on Twitter can now pay for her dream wedding. The ceremony will be presided over by the Reverend Masturbating Bear.

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How Should Lil Wayne Spend His Year In Jail?

Lil Wayne started his one year prison sentence today for his gun possession charge from 2007. He could be out as early as October, but that’s still a long time from now. How should Weezy spend his months behind bars?

Here are some ideas, Wayne:

  • Figure out which classic films sync up perfectly with “Tha Carter III” (My guess is either The Maltese Falcon or Meatballs).
  • Help the warden launder money in an elaborate public works scheme but then escape through a sewer pipe and withdraw everything before you’re caught and wait for Morgan Freeman in Mexico.
  • Make every recipe in the Julia Child‘s prison cookbook.
  • Take some time to evaluate your relationship with Rivers Cuomo. I don’t think it’s helping either one of you.
  • Learn to whistle. Rap needs more whistling.
  • Convince the guards you’re actually FBI agent Sean Archer with Lil’ Wayne’s face.
  • Listen to that “Forever” song you do with Drake as much as possible, because it will never, ever get old. Seriously.
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    Can Sandra Bullock Become The World’s First EGORT Before Halle Berry?

    30 Rock coined a term for someone who has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and a Tony*. However, with Sandra Bullock‘s big double win at both the Oscars and the Razzies this weekend, we may need a new word if she can win the other three. I’m going with EGORT… or possibly GROTE.

    If Sandra wants a Grammy, she should probably just do the audiobook for the novelization of Hope Floats. Here is her Razzies acceptance speech in case you missed it:

    *CORRECTION: It was pointed out by commenter Dick Baguettes that Philip Michael Thomas first coined the term “EGOT” back in his Miami Vice days. But EGORT definitely started RIGHT HERE.

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    So Who Got The Drunkest After The Oscars?

    The most important question of last night’s Oscars is not who had the best performance, but who got the drunkest after the show. I went through about 60,000 photos and twelve cups of coffee to find the people I thought hit the cash bar the hardest. I’ll let you decide who got the most sauced in Hollywood last night:


    Jeff Bridges

    Carey Mulligan and/or Jeremy Renner

    Read more…