Posts By garfinkn

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Goodbye BWE, It’s Been Fun!

This is my last post on BWE.tv. I have always said that I would stop blogging about pop culture either when we caught Bin Laden or when my H.R. mandated time limit for freelancing was up — whichever came first. It turns out they both happened on the same week.

Anyway, you can still read things I write on my own blog: www.noahgarfinkel.com or follow me on Twitter: @noahgarfinkel. I use both of those platforms to mainly write about commercials or how I accidentally brushed my teeth with cortisone cream.

I have greatly enjoyed my time here at BWE.tv with Michelle, Dan, and Sarah. They are — all three of them — very funny people who are excellent at g-chatting; I will miss working with them. I have also very much enjoyed the wonder that is blogging from home. It’s so great! In case you were wondering what it’s like to have this job, I have made this following reenactment of every post that has been published by any blogger from their home. It is my goodbye present to you.

(Reenactment after the jump.)

Read more…

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A Comprehensive History Of Cinco De Mayo

There’s something strange about blindly celebrating a holiday about which you know nothing. It seems only fair that if you are going to use a day as an excuse to party, you should at least have some basic information about that day’s history.

In that spirit, let us present to you this video that very competently explains all that is Cinco De Mayo. Produced a few years ago, this comprehensive history of the holiday can be a useful tool in classrooms.

Good luck tonight, you guys. And remember: If you’re going to drive drunk, don’t do it! #IneffectiveSlogans

Thanks, Space Ghetto. (Visit the site at your own peril. For the most part, It’s terrifying.)

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You All Know Bristol Palin Didn’t Have Plastic Surgery, Right?

Sometimes a friend of yours will put a picture of you on Facebook, and when you see it you’ll think, “Whelp, I sure look like a different person who is a big weirdo in that picture.” You know why that happens? BECAUSE YOU LOOK WEIRD A LOT! Sometimes it’ll look like you’ve lost weight when, in fact, you’ve just gained a jacket. Sometimes you’ll look like an 8 year old when, in real life, you just went to Super Cuts. Then there are angles and lighting and shadows. You probably look weird most of the time. Have you ever tried searching for a usable picture of a celebrity on the internet? It’s terrible. You can’t find a picture of Bruce Springsteen that actually looks like Bruce Springsteen because Bruce Springsteen, like you and everyone else, looks weird a lot.

Yesterday, a picture of Bristol Palin started going around the internet in which she looks, you know…weird.


So, inevitably people have started wondering if she got some plastic surgery done on her face. The same thing happened with Bristol’s mother, Sarah Palin, back in June when people thought she got breast implants. At the time, I made the same argument:

I’m no breast expert, but one of the few things I know about them is that sometimes they look bigger than they do at other times.  That’s how you end up sleeping with your friends.  There was no brand new chemistry the two of you felt that night at the bar; the female one of you just wore a halter top.  That’s how that works.

So, please. Let’s stop this whole genre of thing where, when somebody applies different makeup or puts on a new dress, we ask if they had surgery. It’s much more likely they just look weird.

And, frankly, it is immensely unfair to keep putting people in a position where they have to defend the Palins. No one wants to have to do that.

Palin image from Buzzfeed.

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FINALLY: A Direct Answer About Sh*tting In Space

It’s appalling how long we all had to wait for this. NASA knows we’ve always wanted to know, and for them to withhold this information until now is criminal. “You didn’t ask!” NASA will say. OF COURSE WE DIDN’T ASK!! We are living in a society! And, frankly, our fear of their response being “You mean you don’t know?” and our ensuing humiliation was just too great to overcome. We silently yearned to know, and NASA wallowed in that silence, smug with their privileged knowledge of how to hygienically sh*t in space. They are sick — all of those Astronauts, they are sick.

Now, let’s each go off to our own private place and sate all of our basest space-sh*t curiosities. From National Geographic’s Known Universe:

So, now we know. What a relief, what an enormous weight lifted. This unbelievable lightness… It feels almost as if… this must be what it’s like after you sh*t in space.

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Re: Your Transforming Zombie-Proof House Inquiries

Thank you for contacting us in regards to your interest in purchasing a transforming zombie-proof house. We are happy to tell you that we were able to locate a home that very specifically fits your requirements. Please review the photos below while we get some preliminary paper work drawn up for you.

Regular Mode:

Zombie Mode:

While we were at first skeptical that it would be possible to fulfill your specification that the house have “only one entrance located on the second floor after crossing a drawbridge,” it turns out, as you can see here, that this home will in fact fit those parameters when in Zombie Mode.

We strongly recommend you click here to read more information. You will be quite happy with the details.

BWE Real Estate looks forward to finalizing this deal with you.

-BWE Real Estate

(Thanks to All That Is Interesting for the story and to @Ashfrieds for the tip.)

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David Hasselhoff Helps Launch Nickelodeon Land In England For No Apparent Reason

Nickelodeon opened a theme park in Blackpool, England today. David Hasselhoff was there to help launch it. Why? BECAUSE KIDS LOVE DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!!

What is going on here? We can only assume there was some sort of situation like at the end of Ghostbusters with the Stay Puft Marshmallow monster. Presumably, Nickelodeon was told by an evil spirit to “chose the form” of their promoter, and the head guy couldn’t help having David Hasselhoff enter his mind. “You have chosen.” The evil spirit then said. “What did you just do?!?” all of Nickelodeon yelled at the head guy. “I couldn’t help it. It just popped in there!” he responded. And just like that, David Hasselhoff appeared as the nightmarish celebrity promoter for a British children’s amusement park.

Who do you think is more disappointed in themselves: David Hasselhoff or Nickelodeon? It’s a close call.

Thanks, Splash News.

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Will Ferrell Shaves Off Conan’s Beard

A Brief History Of Conan O’Brien‘s Beard:

Conan, since he started out on Late Night on NBC, had never had a beard. He grew out his sideburns at one point, but that didn’t count. Then, after just seven months as host of the Tonight Show, there was this whole debacle with NBC and Jay Leno, and Conan left TV. Everyone was very sad about it. But then Conan returned to TV on TBS. Everyone was so excited. But, also, Conan had this new beard. He was like, “I grew this beard, aren’t you super pumped?!?!” And everyone was like, “…Wellllll….” Eventually Will Ferrell starting making threats about coming on the show and making Conan shave. Then, last night, Will Ferrell actually came on the show and actually shaved Conan’s beard.

Here is that:

Then during the commercial, they got the rest of the beard off. And now Conan looks like a normal human being again.

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This Is Clearly The Best Talking Dog Video

This is the best way this kind of thing has ever been done.

GOOD JOB, EVERYONE! Everyone. It feels like we, as a society, willed this to happen. USA! USA! There is no other thing in recent history that has brought us together more than this talking dog video. What a nation wide catharsis. Whoo! Are you guys still jacked up? No way we’re going to be able to fall asleep tonight. Let’s all just enjoy this. You want to also give credit to George W. Bush for the dog talking video? Fine! Whatever you want! It doesn’t matter, let’s just all be happy about it for little.

Thanks, The Best Of YouTube.

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How Kids Are Learning About Bin Laden And 9/11

This is the opposite of everything pop-culture and humor related, but it’s fascinating. Yesterday, the Huffington Post put up this article about the methods teachers are using to explain to their young students what exactly is going on in the world right now. That’s something a lot of us probably had not even considered during these past two days. How does one adequately detail Osama Bin Laden and 9/11 to someone who either doesn’t remember the event or might not have even been alive for it?

The issue of Bin Laden and 9/11 is something that most of us came to understand only by way of living through it and absorbing the ensuing onslaught of information that followed as we all sat staring into our TVs. Our knowledge of 9/11 feels more like instinct than a body of facts that had to be learned. So, how do we translate this knowledge that seems so inherent in us to somebody for whom the story can only be an intangible history lesson? One way some teachers are trying to do it is by showing their students this following video produced by an organization called BrainPOP. The video was just updated yesterday to include Bin Laden’s death.

It is a cartoon, and there is a beeping robot in it, but it’s profoundly sterile and efficient.

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Andy Dick’s New Mug Shot: The Best Andy Dick Is Capable Of Looking

From Splash News:

Andy Dick smirks in his mugshot after being arrested at a restaurant in Temecula, California for allegedly being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The 45-year-old comic was listed on the booking sheet as 5ft 10in and weighing 155lbs. He was apparently at 9.20pm on May 2 at a Marie Callenders, not a restaurant chain known as a celebrity hotspot.

The big story here is obviously the reminder that Marie Callenders is a restaurant. That’s always fun to remember. It gives you hope that Totino’s will open up a pizza roll stand.

But, also, Andy Dick looks like a respectable middle aged man all of the sudden. Granted, he is under arrest, so something not that respectable is clearly going on. But, just going on appearances, it looks like he’s going to be okay forever now. Let’s all go celebrate! You guys wanna meet up at the Sunny D Bar?