Posts By garfinkn

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The 5 Worst The Office Bobblehead Dolls

At the NBC Experience Store in New York’s Rockefeller Center they have an enormous amount of crap you would never ever want. For example, try getting psyched about the shirt at the right.

Even in the unlikely event that you had a friend who happened to have both seen Psych and also liked it, this would be a terrible gift. “I would have rather you just saved the money and stopped being friends with people.” – Your Friend who likes Psych. But one thing in the store that it is possible someone somewhere might actually enjoy is their line of The Office bobblehead dolls. The only problem is that they are the world’s least accurate bobblehead dolls. Here are the five worst ones.

1.) Stanley

It looks like instead of having an artist just look at pictures of the characters, they got some sort of police sketch artist equivalent of a sculptor who kept interrupting people as they described the character’s faces. “Okay, so this guy is black? Say no more!”

Not even close.

Read more…

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Opposite Of Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Quits Smoking

Most people have no issue with Lindsay Lohan whatsoever in that they don’t know her or have anything invested in how her life turns out. But, even for the small portion of the population that actually cares, it’s hard to imagine that anyone’s issue with her is that she smokes. Nonetheless, this is a thing that happened today. From TMZ:

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ she’s continuing on the path to a healthier life by kicking her nicotine habit … cold turkey no less. We’re told Lindsay quit about a week ago and now works out with a trainer every morning.

Haha. Okay, Lindsay Lohan. This would be kind of like if someone stole stuff, couldn’t hold down a job, constantly got drunk with her mom, and then said “okay, I’ll quit smoking.” It’s scarily similar to that.

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Florida Woman Gets Drunk, Pulls Out Teeth, Looks Like Ann Burrell From The Food Network

This is the story of two women. The first is a woman named Tina Masta from Naples, Florida who “got drunk, stripped naked, pulled out her own teeth and then hurled them into a canal. When cops arrived, [she] even asked them for a pair of pliers to remove more of her molars.” The second woman is Ann Burrell who is a chef with a strong personality on the Food Network. These two women have little in common other than the fact that when the former gets pull-out-teeth-drunk, she looks a bit like a falling apart version of the latter.

This is basically pre-hab for Ann Burrell.

Drunk lady story from Splash.

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Pudgy Guy’s Belly Getting Shot By Air Pellets In Slow Motion Is Art/Literature/The World

Listen to the music. Let your eyes absorb the unfolding drama. This is art. There is something so soothing about this video’s detachment from its subject’s pain. It is as if Albert Camus directed it.

You cannot catch a glimpse of this video without pondering how our whole universe came into existence. The air pellets impact the body like asteroids hurtling into some faraway, cold planet on which perhaps there our other beings with minds not unlike ours. This is life. This is what is.

We are all that man’s pudgy belly, and his pudgy belly is God.

Bless you, The Daily What.

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Christina Aguilera Story Fits Nicely Into Celebrity Couple Arrest Form

As you have no doubt heard by now, Christina Aguilera was taken into custody after she and her boyfriend, Matthew Rutler, were pulled over early this morning for drunk driving. According to TMZ, Aguilera was booked for public intoxication while Rutler was taken in for driving under the influence. Aguilera did not end up getting charged, and both have been released after Rutler’s $5000 bail was paid.

From now on, everyone should just use this very simple form that you can fill out every time a celebrity couple gets into trouble with the police. We present to you the Celebrity Couple Arrest Form.

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Sandwich Place Redeems Itself With New Sandwich Names

A few weeks ago, Katla McGlynn at Huffington Post Comedy posted a picture of a menu from a local Brooklyn corner store/sandwich shop called Hana Food.  Hana Food is a great little place. It’s open all night and the employees are very nice.  However, they seem to fumble a little bit with their sandwich naming. Their menu originally contained sandwich names like the “Gay Boy” and the “Butter Face.” They also had a sandwich with avocado and jalapeno called “The Illegal.” What a mess.  But, after complaints presumably, they crossed out those names on all the menus and wrote in more innocuous titles.

Then, last night, Hana Foods came roaring back into the sandwich naming game. This time they went the really-on-the-nose-route and, in doing so, absolutely knocked it out of the park.

For the record, no. You cannot use Hanna Foods’ bathroom. Though that is a perfect name for a sandwich with sausage and corned beef on it. Weed is a good name for a sandwich too, but it probably could have used an exclamation mark at the end. “Weed!”

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Cat, Rat, Dog, Sunglasses And Chair All Live Happily Together

From Splash:

“The harmonious inter-species dog-cat-rat family are the family of Animal Whisperer Brian Cottrill. The happy animals all reside in Venice, California where Brian hopes his displays of effective animal training and psychology will help the reputation of his beloved pit bull terriers.”

Your Coworker: What are you looking at?

You: Oh, just a cat and a rat on a chair and a dog in sunglasses.

Your Coworker: Together?! Holy sh*t, are they like a family or something?

You: Yes.

Your Coworker: Let’s all get candy for lunch.

As if the dog in sunglasses wouldn’t have been enough. What a cool dog. Anyway, that trainer, Brian Cotrill, seems like an awesome guy. I bet he has a smile plastered permanently to his face. No?

Read more…

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Next Die Hard Movie To Go In New Direction

Yeah, there’s no new Die Hard movie. This is all just an excuse to post a picture of Bruce Willis posing with Goofy and Minnie Mouse on a Disney trip he took yesterday. Interesting thing to note: if things were to work out between Bruce Willis and Minnie Mouse, Bruce Willis would then be to Mickey Mouse what Ashton Kutcher is now to Bruce Willis.

Thanks, Splash Photos.

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Baby Cracks Up At Ripped Paper, Provides Nice Contrast To Past 24 Hours

The past 24 hours have no doubt left us all more cynical and jaded than ever. There was last night’s Oscars. There were this morning’s Charlie Sheen interviews. Actually, those might have just been the same thing. No one can be positive that last night’s Oscars weren’t just cocaine fever dream inside of Charlie Sheen’s mind. Either way, we could all use a break from terrible.

Remember. It is not written that we, as humans, must have award shows and drug fueled sit com stars. The video below is our future. Let’s all pin our hopes on this baby growing up and fixing all of this.

Yeah. We’re gonna be okay.

Thanks, The Daily What.

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What Do You Think: Does This Commercial Talk About F*cking Dresses and Goddamn Feather Shoes On Purpose?

This new commercial for Loemann’s is more puzzle than commercial. Does it know it’s funny? Does it intend the censorship of brand names to make it sound like women are excited about f*cking dresses, f*cking watches, and goddamn feather shoes? It’s unknowable.

So, let’s get it sorted out. What’s going on with this commercial? Is it funny on purpose and, therefore, not that funny, or serious on purpose and, therefore, actually funny? What do you think?