Posts By garfinkn

by

You Can’t Process Charlie Sheen With A Normal Brain Says Charlie Sheen

Here’s a little background if you’re not yet up to speed. Charlie Sheen was supposed to do an exclusive interview with ABC News. ABC News had huge plans to air different parts of their one of a kind interview on all their news shows, get people talking about the whole thing, and really just rake in that Charlie Sheen interview money. But then, OUT OF THE BLUE, it turns out Charlie Sheen also did an interview with NBC News. It’s almost like you can’t even trust megalomaniac star actors who are on 43,000 drugs anymore.

Anyway, what is happening to Charlie Sheen is undeniably sad. It would be nice if he could step out of the public eye and take care of his problems in private with the help of a loving family and professionals who know how to get people through to the other side of substance abuse. That, however, is not happening, and now we all have to feel like jerks for being wildly entertained by Charlie Sheen explaining on television that he’s “bitching a total frickin’ rockstar from Mars” and that “you can’t process [him] with a normal brain.”

From the Today Show this morning, he’s a clip of the NBC interview:

But remember the movie, Lucas? He was so nice in that.

by

Here Is An Insultingly And Overtly Fake Soccer Injury

In America, most of us don’t know that much about soccer. We know we’re supposed to pretend to like it once every four years and that players pretend to get hurt a lot, but that’s about it. Well, good news. The following video focuses on half of those things, so we can all follow it without getting confused. Surely, you’ve seen footage before of a player clearly not getting hurt and then fake crying about it, but this one is pretty mind blowing and only gets better with every slow motion replay (of which there are MANY).

That is what I imagine younger brothers have to do when their older brothers are too lazy to initiate the “stop hitting yourself” game on their own.

And now, let’s talk about the time clock for a bit. They were 76 minutes into the game already! That’s insane. For a second I was like “Jesus, there are 76 minutes to go?!” and then I remembered that soccer tries it’s very best to remove all suspense and has the game clock count up instead of down. Then again, that was everyone’s favorite part about playing on a soccer team at 8 years old. With no warning, a whistle would blow and you’d get surprise orange wedges and drink pouches. Now, there’s a whole generation of us out there who have a Pavlovian response to whistles where we automatically assume we’re about to get some Capri Sun. Good job, soccer. Keep doing your thing and we’ll all see you at a crowded bar in three years.

Thanks, Best of YouTube.

by

George Mason University Band Plays Rage Against The Machine

College! How great is college? It’s a place where people come together to spend equal time learning and doing pointless things that are entertaining to watch on YouTube. One of the most prestigious interesting-to-watch-on-YouTube things you can do while getting your degree is taking two dissimilar musical styles and putting them together.

Your Dad: You mean like the Boston Pops?

You: Ugh. No, dad. Not like the– Wait, actually, yes. Sort of like the Boston Pops. Sorry.

It’s one of the reasons college lip-dub/a Capella performances of rap songs are so quick to go viral. It is refreshing, though, that this following video is not an a Capella thing or a lip dub. It is just an orchestra doing a really good job of playing a song that is hard to imagine being done by a large band. Good job, George Mason University which is apparently a school just outside of DC.

I guess the Save the Music thing is over now because that sh*t is SAVED. More like Pleasantries Against the Machine.

Thanks, Reddit.

by

“Marijuana Bikini Model” Is The Best New Job Description

As you have probably heard, it has come to light in the past day or so that , Charlie Sheen‘s new girlfriend, Natalie Kenly, is a model who has regularly posed for marijuana magazines. Somehow, through the magic of internet synergy, everyone has begun referring to her as being a “Marijuana Bikini Model” as if that is a thing that already exists and that every one has heard of before.

That is a fantastic job title. it is succinct as it is impressive. And even if you get confused and screw the whole thing up, the worst case scenario is that you think the woman wears bikinis made out of marijuana. (For the kids: marijuana bikinis are illegal and you should not wear them.)

It appears that TMZ is the site that coined the term, so anyone linking to their story has started using it as well. Just google “marijuana bikini model.” You’ll see the magic. I hope Natalie Kenly gets the world’s best business cards made.

TMZ, Gawker

by

Let’s Discuss How This Creepy Japanese Thing That’s Going Around Makes You Feel

This video making it’s way around the internet is not NSFW in the traditional way. There’s no nudity and there is no bad language. But it is still Not Safe For Work in that you probably will be fired if any coworkers catch you looking at it. It’s gross and it’s weird and it’s very Japanese, and, at the moment, nobody seems to know exactly from where it came. Let’s all watch it and then talk about our feelings.

Whelp, that was the worst. It made me feel like I wanted to leave every building possible and then dig a hole to crawl into only to leave it as well. Here is what I imagine is everyone’s running commentary while watching that video.

Uch, don’t do that. That’s weird.

Oh, no! Definitely don’t do it back!

No. Nope.

NO!

Why would she…

Why would either of them….

I have to leave.

So, let’s hear it. How did it make you feel. This isn’t about them anymore (Them = those people that just ruined all of our lives). This is about you and your feelings. Are you also creeped out? Or did this kind of… do it for you? Gross. This did it for you?! NO, I’M SORRY! No judgments here. If you want to say this was in some way okay with you, that’s fine. Well, it’s not fine, but it’s a thing we can deal with together. Go ahead, pour your heart out.

Thanks, The Daily What.

by

Just A Really Awful Guess On Jeopardy

It’s probably very stressful to go on Jeopardy, but there is no excuse for this. Here is a clip from an episode that aired this week.

Yes, something like “What is What’s New Pussy Cat?” or “What is Pussy Galore?” has probably been a correct answer on Jeopardy before. I think we can all agree, however, that “pussy” has no place in a guess. Note to all future Jeopardy contestants: No Pussy Guessing. They should hang a sign back stage.

Read more…

by

The New Universal GIF For “Oh, This Pleases Me”

You may or may not have, at some point, seen the commercials for Ally Bank. In one of their commercials, there is a man interviewing a potential hiree. The interviewer asks the  guy to tell a little about himself. The potential hiree lists a few things, one of which is, “I can my own homemade jam: apricot.” To this, the interview responds with the following facial expression that is perfect.

So here’s what should happen now. We should all use this GIF as an internet abbreviation for being moderately pleased by something.

Here’s how it would work –

Read more…

by

Facebook Adds New Options For Your Relationship Status

From The Huffington Post Tech:

Facebook has added two new relationship status options users can include in their online profiles: “in a civil union” and “in a domestic partnership.”

The new fields are being rolled out in the U.S. and several other countries, including Canada, France, the U.K., and Australia, starting today.

“This has been a highly requested feature from users,” said Facebook’s Andrew Noyes, manager of public policy communications. “We want to provide options for people to genuinely and authentically reflect their relationships on Facebook.”


So that’s a thing! Apparently a “highly requested” thing.

Obviously, this is an improvement, and whatever small steps we take to become more accepting as a society are nice and good. But… as for the people who were going out of their way to request this of Facebook… really, guys? You set part of your day aside to email a complaint that you could not adequately express the seriousness of your relationship in social networking shorthand. That can’t be any higher than around 745th on the list of things that need to get done for the LGBT community.

And, frankly, as a single male, I would like more specific options for my status as well. There’s nothing I can click so that Facebook will explain that there’s a girl in ———— with whom I have some level of ——- and —— —— but that we haven’t —————– since that time she ——- and I ——- a —– ——- without a shoehorn. How come there’s no option for that?

by

Revisiting A Nightmare BLT And A Very Frank Discussion About Bacon

A few months ago, I posted about a BLT wrap I got from a Brooklyn grocery store called Sunac. The main focus of the post was about how there was a shocking amount of bacon in the wrap. “There was a single leaf of lettuce, two thin slices of tomato and A PILE OF BACON THE SIZE OF TWO FISTS.”

As I explained, I love bacon. I think it’s really great. I, however, did not enjoy the experience of having “a mouthful of bacon the same way you get a mouthful of apple when you bite into a granny smith.” It was disgusting.

So, I went on with my life as normal for about half a year, but then, the other day, I started thinking about that BLT wrap again. “What’s up with that Sunac BLT wrap?” my mind asked my brain. “Has it improved any?” Today, I went back to check. I think it got at least a little better. But not by much…

Read more…

by

How Come You Didn’t Come Up With Laser Cat Bowling Yourself?

Even if you don’t own a cat, you at least have access to a cat. A lot of your friends have cats; your neighbor has a cat. Your aunt definitely has a cat. Cats are around. And the one thing we all know is fun to do with cats is the game where you point a laser and watch a cat chase it. It’s one of about 3 things you can actually make a cat do. So, with that being said, how did each of us not independently come up with this very obvious  game that, frankly, looks like a barrel of fun?

I have the disposable cups. Who’s got a cat and wants to go halfsies with me on this game?

Thanks, Reddit.