Posts By garfinkn


Capybara Is Really Into Water Pouring On His Head

The capybara is the world’s largest rodent. There’s a pretty good chance you knew that already. It’s one of those things a whole lot of people know and like to talk about at terrible parties. “And a banana is technically a berry. And, originally, Peter Sellers was also supposed to play Slim Pickens’ role in Dr. Strangelove.” Ugh, shut up, that guy. Nobody likes your party facts. “Haagen Dazs doesn’t actually mean anything.” Seriously, stop it.

Here is a great fact though. There is one specific capybara who really likes water constantly pouring on his head.

Don’t even talk to this capybara until he’s had his 3 hour long morning shower. “The average shower actually uses less wa –” NO! No more of that. Get out of here.

Thanks, Urlesque.


CBS Wants You To Give Your Girlfriend A Testicular Cancer Exam For Valentines Day

Listen. You should check yourself for testicular cancer. Of course you should do that. Guys, let’s all do that now. If there’s some sort of irregularity, go make yourself an appointment at the doctor.

Now that we have that out of the way, lets laugh at this CBS public service announcement about pawning off a self testicular exam as a gift to your Valentine because, whoa, man, what a mess.

“I think my boys are okay! Happy Valentines Day, Babe.” – Awesome Gift-Giver

Thanks, Videogum.


Kid Throws Up Like A Very Awesome Throw Up Pro

This video has special meaning for me. I, like this kid, am awesome at throwing up. I’ve always had a weak stomach, and, when I was young, I had a whole lot of throw up practice. If I got nervous, I threw up. If I fell down and hurt myself, I threw up. If my brother made me laugh too hard, I threw up.  So, with all that experience, I got used to it. I started to be able to just relax and let it come out. No straining, no heaving. It’s really a sight to see. And you’re about to watch this kid do it perfectly.

This is NSFPWAGOBTU (Not Safe For People Who Are Grossed Out By Throw Up). You know what, let’s just call that NSFMP (Not Safe For Most People).

NICE! Just wait until he starts drinking. If he’s anything like me, he is going to learn some very gross tricks.

And we should talk about the girl next to him. She goes from shock to enjoyment and right back to shock again. She is awesome thing #2 about this video.

Also, I would like to issue a blanket apology for this whole post.

Thanks, The High Definitite.


5 Fake iPhone 5 Rumors

The iPhone rumor mill is up and running again. It’s been months since the iPhone 4 came out, so, naturally, people have started writing and re-posting what essentially amounts to iPhone fan fiction. Yesterday, there was a whole to-do about Apple making an iPhone Nano. And then today, people were claiming the next iPhone will actually be bigger. Anything anyone can dream up about a new iPhone gets circulated as real possibility. So why don’t we just make up our own iPhone 5 rumors and see what happens? Some might turn out to be true.

1.) The iPhone 5 Used To Be Paul From The Wonder Years.

Josh Saviano, the guy who played Paul on the hit television show The Wonder Year, went on to get facial reconstructive surgery and had two ribs removed so that he could run multiple applications at a time.

Verdict: True

Read more…


Justin Bieber Gets Trick Photography Pantomime Fondled

Sometimes things come together just right in a photo, and it makes it looks like a sheepish, skull-capped Justin Bieber is getting his biebers tousled.

This camera angle is being so immature.

Obviously, there’s nobody to feel bad for here because this is not a real thing. BUT! If there were someone to feel bad for, it’s the guy on the right. The other guy is the one doing the not real manhandling, but his face isn’t in the picture. The guy on the right, however, is fully visible and now, through no fault of his own, his face is associated with dragging Justin Bieber through an airport by the kid’s kid-junk.

Thanks, Splash News.


Apparently Nothing On TV Is Real

Obviously, there are a lot of special effects used in TV shows, but this video compiled by Stargate Studios is going to FREAK YOU OUT.

So, that just ruined every television show that is on air right now. And it sort of seems unnecessary. They already have the helicopter! That’s the hard part. Just take the helicopter to the place. The only hard part about getting to places is not having a helicopter. We’re wasting valuable green screen that could otherwise be donated to the kids.

In the space immediately below, please imagine a picture of children that are in someway downtrodden with a speech bubble that reads, “Green screens, please.” I would just go ahead and make it, but you guys know how it is with pictures of downtrodden kids and Photoshop jokes. People get sad/mad.

Thanks, Reddit.


Let’s Fix This Rihanna/Drake Photo

During the Grammy Awards last night, Drake and Rihanna performed together. While it was overtly sexual, Drake did not actually sing directly to Rihanna’s ass for the whole song. It’s really fun to imagine he did though.

But, hold on. Rihanna’s stance looks strangely familiar. Anyone getting a Coppertone Baby feel? Let’s fix this picture with some amateurish Photoshopping.

Read more…


Really Cool Science News: You Can’t Get Pregnant In Space

NASA is the greatest. From

Powerful radiation in space would likely sterilize female embryos conceived there, NASA finds, and it could shrink sperm counts, too. At the moment, we don’t have the technology required to create spacecraft shielding to block the radiation, the Telegraph reports. “The present shielding capabilities would probably preclude having a pregnancy transited to Mars,” notes a scientist.

“Baby… baby. Baby! Baby– Shh, baby. It’s cool. You can’t get pregnant in space.” – Teenage Space Boyfriend.

How great does space sex sound? The two main problems with earth sex are babies and gravity, and space takes that junk right out of the equation. I bet NASA is now starting work to develop new high five techniques.

Conversely, let’s also discus how awful it would be to try give birth with no gravity. That would be horrifying. The delivery room would look like the inside of a lava lamp.


New Bruce Willis Wax Figure Requires A Lot Of Head Wiping

I guess we’ll deal with how this came about first. From Splash News:

Madame Tussaud‘s in London has created a new wax likeness of Bruce Willis after it polled visitors which male star currently not on display at the attraction they would most like admire on Valentines Day.”

That is a very weird poll question.  I’m surprised they didn’t end up having to make a huge wax figure of the phrase, “Excuse me?” Anyway, they made this Bruce Willis wax figure (for Valentines Day) and now they have to keep wiping his head all the time? What’s going on here?

Is this a joke? Are they joking about Bruce Willis having to wipe his head all the time? Is that even a thing? Stop wiping wax Bruce Willis’s head.

Lady, seriously. There’s no reason for you to– please stop.

Read more…


Here’s A Grown Man Crying About A Library

It’s 2011; gender roles have evolved. But there is still something inherently silly about seeing a grown man cry. Obviously, there are times when a man can and should cry. A library closing, however, is probably not one of those times. Getting misty eyed? Fine. Mist up. Get as eye-moist as you want. Let the black of your eyes glisten with sentimentality. But if you want to not end up as a web video, you should probably not blubber away in a high pitch voiced and then yell “sh*t” at yourself for doing it.

Somebody should do a dissertation about the the following irony: Libraries are closing and being replaced by the internet because the internet can provide all the information in a library plus the entertainment of a guy crying about a library being closed.

“Excuse me, miss, but do you have any books about over-the-top crying by men who are sad about library closings?” – Question you would never ask a librarian.

“Grown man crying” – Thing you can and probably have Googled. In fact, that is how I found this other video which, by the way, is one of the greatest videos.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.