Posts By garfinkn


One Big Reason To Never Have A Baby

You can try to make a baby if you want. That’s up to you. But just know that it’s possible that something like this might try to come out of you eventually.

This is newborn Eric Byron. He is 13 pounds AND 2 ounces. He used to be inside of a person, and then he — I’m guessing — unzipped his mother from the inside as if he were wearing a gorilla suit and then stepped out into the world. Jesus Christ. Look at his head. He’s like an upside down snowman.

Oh, I’m sorry, Eric. Is being enormous boring you?

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Buy The Fuxedo, The One Piece Tuxedo

There is a guy named Jon Murray and another guy named Andy Stuckey. They are both great guys. First of all, Jon invented a snack that is a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup inside of an Oreo. So, already, that’s pretty wonderful. But also, these two guys have been working on a thing for years (literally years) called the Fuxedo. The Fuxedo is a tuxedo built like coveralls. You just step into the pants, and then zip up the front. The cummerbund, jacket, and bow tie are all attached. They actually had two made just for them a few years back, and they straight up wear the thing to actual weddings. But, they have always wanted to find a way to mass produce them cheaply enough to be able to sell them to other people. Well, they’ve finally done it! Kind of!

Hahaha, $299! Okay, guys. But seriously, it is impressive they actually got this done. There were tons of problems with making it dry-cleanable, but they finally did it.

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See How Long You Can Watch A British Girl Yell Curse Words On A Train

This is like the beginning of a Mythbusters experiment where they have to test the whole cast’s tolerance to pain by seeing how long each of them can keep their arm in ice water. But instead of testing pain tolerance, we’re testing tolerance for watching a British girl yell curse words on a train. And instead of putting arms in ice water, we’re watching a British girl yell curse words on a train. We’ll all write down the time we reached in the video before stopping it so we can establish our personal baselines. Sound good? Good. Science is fun!

I made it to 1:10, took a small break, watched a little Food Network, then went back and finished the whole thing. How’d you guys do?

Thanks, The High Definite.


Five People Who Should Be Super Bowl Baby Face Smushed

Earlier today, I posted about the Super Bowl commercial that featured a baby being catapulted against a window and then sliding down that window cartoon style. Shortly after that, I discovered that you can go to the website and insert whatever face you went to be window smushed.

I now present to you GIFs of five people who are more deserving of being face smushed than a baby or even a test baby (in the commercial, they say the smushed baby is a “test baby.” Okay.) SPOILER ALERT: Two of these people are in the Black Eyed Peas.

Click on the images to make the GIFs play.

1.) Will.I.Am: Because he participated in the Super Bowl Half Time Show

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Debate: Is Mark Feuerstein Too Famous To Work On His Laptop In A Coffee Shop?

This is Mark Feuerstein typing on his laptop at a coffee shop in Los Angeles.

You might not know Mark Feuerstein by name, but you know that face. “Decent Looking Jew Face Guy” may or may not what you call him in your head. He’s the guy from USA’s Royal Pains, which you have never ever watched, but he’s been in a whole lot of stuff that you have watched. What exactly? I don’t know off the top of my head, and you probably don’t either, but he’s definitely in things.

So, this all brings us to the question: Is Mark Feuerstein too famous to bring his laptop to a coffee shop just to casually do some work? He is on a USA show that seems to be doing pretty well, which you would think would automatically qualify him as too famous for coffee shop laptopping. But, then again, the guy from Burn Notice, which is also on USA, is clearly unfamous enough to coffee shop laptop it. This is a close one. What do you guys think? Mark Feuerstein looks like he’s pretty on the fence about it.

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Another episode of Kids React To Viral Videos

There is an ongoing series of videos by The Fine Brothers called Kids React To Viral Videos. This is the 5th episode of that series. It’s the same thing every time. It’s just little kids watching viral videos and then talking about them. AND IT’S GREAT! It makes you feel the same way a Pixar movie does, but without the hundreds of millions of dollars it takes to make them. Sorry, computer animated fish/insects/cars/toys. You’ve been undermined.

Okay, quickly we’ll run through the best moments. “I don’t really get into politics considering that I’m ten.” F*cking fantastic. William nails it every time. And then seeing identical twins disagree about whether or not an internet video is funny… why wasn’t the parent trap just about that? It’s so good.

Now for an updated rundown of who the kids look like. Grant still looks like Grant Imahara from Mythbusters. So there’s that. And Zach still looks like Bill Maher, but on this episode I’m getting more of a Julian Assange vibe. Anyone else feeling that? And then there’s Lia who… Whoops! Nope, we can’t talk about Lia without getting very deservedly arrested. That girl makes me Early-Harry-Potter-Hermione uncomfortable. Oh, hold on, I have to get the door. Yup, it’s the police. Let me take care of this, and I’ll be right back in five to ten years.


The Most Memorable Moment From Last Night’s World Series Thingy Or Whatever They Call It

Let’s begin by agreeing that “memorable” does not necessarily equal “best.” Okay? Okay.

During last night’s big American football match, there was a commercial for featuring a family packed into a hotel room that was so small — HOW SMALL? — so small that the mother threw her baby against glass window. The baby then stuck against the window for a brief moment before sliding down . You know… like babies do. We all immediately knew someone would make that moment into a GIF. And we were right. Within two hours of the game ending, we had this:

I am so excited for the new subway ads. “Never ever shake your baby. Throwing them against windows is cool.”

This is the closest a commercial has ever gotten to a straight up dead baby joke. Unfortunately, I like my dead baby jokes like I like my coffee… not all over my TV.

Thanks, The Daily What.


Just A GIF Of Mila Kunis Putting Her Fist In Her Mouth

So, this is Mila Kunis putting her whole fist in her mouth. Here you go!

Mila Kunis

The thing that’s nice about it is you can tell she’s really having a good time. She’s totally smiling with her eyes. And it’s black and white so it’s classy.

Sarah Marhsall: Forgotten. Good job, Mila Kunis.

This was found on Space Ghetto which, as I have explained many times before, will not be linked to because, in general,  it is a place where disturbing things go to rot and get more disturbing.


Woman Grows Nails For 22 Years To “Meet Oprah And A Lotta Mo’ Celebrities”

SPOILER ALERT: At some point in this video you will see this exchange happen.

Fingernail Lady: I cannot tie shoes.

Actual Reporter: Do you type on a computer?

This whole thing is such a mess of journalism and humanity. First of all, somebody decided this was news. And, second of all, this lady wants to meet Oprah and become famous, so in order to do that she grew out her finger nails for 22 years. Someone had a lousy guidance counselor! (Both the fingernail lady and the reporter.)  Don’t bother trying to be nice inside of your head while you watch this. It won’t work.

Obviously, Rose, the lady who does the fingernail lady’s nails, is the best lady.

Actual Reporter: You must be very proud

Rose: I am not sure about that.

Thanks, Business Insider.


The One Person Pony Dance Party Super Cut

The song Pony by Ginuwine has a different meaning for everyone. Well, it has the same meaning for everyone in that it is very definitely about sex perhaps with or perhaps without a pony, but beyond that, it probably takes you back to the time and place you most associate with that song. For you, that time and place might be when you were a kid riding in a car with your older sibling. Or perhaps you most associate Pony with sitting on your couch watching MTV during your teens.

For me, this can only bring back memories of Bar Mitzvah parties from late 1996 to early 1997. Every Bar Mitzvah party required that this song and the “I like the way you work it — no dignity” song be played at least once. Sometimes twice. “Very interesting fact about your experiences at Bar Mitzvah parties, Noah!” – All of you.

The people below, however, have a different experience with Pony than you or I. For these people, this song is loneliness. This song is desperation. This is the song that plays in their head and on their stereo as they cry out for attention from the one person for whom they feel comfortable making personal dance videos.

Thanks, The High Definite.