Posts By garfinkn

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Be A Real Life Detective: The Jonathan Rhys Meyers Edition

Let’s play a little game here to see how good of a detective you would be.  Here’s how it works.  I’m going to have you read two headlines, and then I’m going to ask you if they are connected.

This is the first of two headlines that appear on the Huffington Post today.

So, that makes sense.  He’s definitely the type of guy to get banned by an airline.   When you see that headline, you don’t really need to click on it.  You basically get the idea.  But now, this second headline is also on the Huffington post:

So, it’s time to do a little critical thinking:  Are these two headlines connected?  Chose your answer and then find out if you are correct after the jump.

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Joke or Real Thing: Japanese People Have Robot Weddings

Most likely, nobody in your life who you have any affection for has or ever will made a joke about Japanese people using robots to officiate their weddings.  The reason why no one you like will joke about this is because it is a lame joke to make.  It’s way too on the nose and it would seem half-assed.  It’s like trying to make a Mexican joke by saying the Federales are headed by a pinata.  It’s stupid.  A joke about robots officiating Japanese weddings is just nothing. But sometimes… these things aren’t jokes.  Sometimes nationalities do real things that are like terrible stereotype-based jokes coming to life.  This following video is a real life Japanese joke.  “I now pronounce you a caricature  of your own culture.”  From the Associated Press:

Come on, guys.

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In Honor Of Betty White Week: The Golden Girls Credits The Way They Should Have Been

I don’t know if you’ve ever just been sitting around in your sweatpants looking at the Pepperidge Farm Wikipedia page, but I know that I have and it pretty much ruined my life. I just wanted to see how many different kinds of Milanos there were, but then things took a nasty turn when I saw this sentence right there in the middle of the Wikipedia entry:

“In an episode of The Golden Girls, Sophia complained about the high price of Pepperidge Farm cookies and said not to buy them with her money.”

And then my automatic response was to go, “Oh yeah! The Golden Girls!” So that’s how I ended up on the Golden Girls Wikipedia Page. And by the time I was done reading that page, there was no turning back. Because this happened:

“The theme song is “Thank You for Being a Friend”, which was a #25 Pop hit for Andrew Gold in 1978. The show’s version is a cover sung by Cynthia Fee.”

Whaaaaaaaat? That’s a real song? The theme for the Golden Girls is a cover of a whole real song that was written and sung by a guy who was apparently kind of somewhat famous? Yes. And that’s what blew my mind. So obviously I bought the Andrew Gold version on iTunes, and guess what? There’s a f**king verse in the real song about being old. But that’s not the verse they use for the show. Why would that not be the verse they use for the only television show in the history of the world to be about only old people? Instead they use the first verse about throwing a party with everyone you know. It’s a show about old people and instead of singing about being old they’re singing about buying a giant gift. Here, look.

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On The Topic Of Perez Hilton’s Self Image

Pretty much every one who writes about pop culture on the internet is in the business of writing about people who are, in general, more wealthy, more successful, and better looking than they are. I, clearly, am among those writers, but…just…let’s not worry about that for a second. Let’s instead crap on Perez Hilton for being one of those writers.

Perez Hilton is a desperate, dumpy man who makes his living, in large part, by pointing out slight physical defects in famous people. I think that he is at least somewhat aware of the irony, but the banner at the top of his website often makes me question that.  He always has an animated picture of his head to the right of his logo, and those pictures are, by and large, very generous in regards to the depiction of his face.

Lookin’ good, Perez.  But, come on.  You look way less un-monstery than those pictures would suggest.

But, just today, I noticed some much more realistic pictures that he started using.  Look at these:

Wow.  Yikes.  But, awesome.  Good for Perez.  I think he’s coming to terms with himself.  He’s growing as a person.

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The Real Oil Spill Disaster: This Picture

As a general request to all media outlets, can you please stop using this picture to illustrate the oil spill?   This particular screen shot is from the Drudge Report, but it’s also been on the Huffington Post, and I’m sure it’s also appeared in print.  They all need to stop it.

An oil spill is terrible.  It is terrible, and it is a disaster, and no one in journalism should hesitate to use an image that they he or she thinks will demonstrate the importance of the matter on which they are reporting.  But this picture does not do that.  This picture would make sense if the main issue with oil spills is that they are “so gross.”  That’s not really the problem at hand, though.

So in blunt conclusion:  Stop using that picture.  It looks like a hand covered in sh*t.

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Nightmare Sleeping Bag…You Know, For Kids

I suppose this is for children who are way less neurotic than I was growing up.  I couldn’t even sleep with my Big Bird stuffed animal without having a full blown night terror about there being a chicken on my back.  I would wake up yelling, “There’s a chicken on my back!”  I was always good at concise nightmare yelling.

That being said, this is a really great thing designed by somebody who’s name is Kendra Phillips.  Obviously, it’s going to ruin lives, but still, it’s really great.

“There’s a shark severing my lower extremities!” – Me, in an alternate 1988 where my parents bought this for me.

Thanks, TheDailyWh.At.

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Hey, Joaquin Phoenix, What If We Don’t Care?

As I’m sure most of you know, in 2009, Joaquin Phoenix decided to stop acting, become a hip hop musician, and have Ben Affleck‘s little brother, Casey Affleck, make a documentary about it.   Well, today, there’s news concerning that whole thing.  It’s finished!  From Contact Music:

“Affleck has now completed his film, titled I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix, and has previewed the footage in a bid to find a distributor. Reports suggest the picture features shocking scenes of the star apparently snorting cocaine, ordering call girls and having oral sex with a publicist – fuelling gossip the film is in fact a ‘mockumentary’.”

Here’s my problem with this whole thing, and I assume some of you might have this same problem with it.  I, like, uh… don’t care.  Here’s my imitation of all of us two years ago when somebody would bring up the name Joaquin Phoenix (which by the way never ever happened):  “Oh, the creepy guy from Gladiator! He was sure in that movie!”  I don’t’ have enough knowledge of or feeling for Joaquin Phoenix to want to see a film documenting his career change.  And I especially don’t care if it’s a hoax.  Is it even a hoax if nobody cares?

For example, if the guy who runs the pizza place around the corner from me suddenly told everyone that he was closing up shop to become a tailor, but then it turned out he wasn’t serious, that’s not a hoax.  That’s just a pizza guy lying.  His pizza simply isn’t good enough to get people invested in him to the point where anything involving his pizza could be considered a hoax.  In the same way, Joaquin Phoenix’s acting pizza isn’t good enough for his becoming a tailor rapper to be a hoax.  I strongly encourage all of you out there to join in me not caring about this.  We can all to to the park together – make a day of it.

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People Shouldn’t Be Messing With The Clarity Of The Word “Cheetos”

What I never considered a comfort in life until now is this: If you have a friend who’s running into a convenience store and you shout “Hey, can you grab me a pack of Cheetos?” he is for sure going to get you Cheetos. It might not be the exact size bag you want, but you’re going to be eating from that bag exactly what you wanted. At least that used to be the case. Our friends south of the border really screwed it up.

chidos1

I found this in a grocery store a while back. How upset would you be if you asked for Cheetos and got these instead? I’ll tell you how upset you’d be. Very. Because Chidos are disgusting. As you can see at the bottom of the bag, the chips are are chili and lime flavored. I guess that is technically true, but it would be more accurate to call them chili then lime flavored. Remember those old commercials for Mr. Goodbar where people used to argue the points “first you taste the peanuts then you taste the chocolate” versus “first you taste the chocolate then you taste the peanuts”? And you’d just think “Shut the f**k up. It tastes like a chocolate bar with peanuts in it.” Well in the case of Chidos there’s no argument. First you taste the chilli flavor. The gross, underwhelming chili flavor. Then some seconds later, in some cases as much as 15 seconds later, you get a horrifying lime taste at the back of your throat. Delicious cheesy powder never enters into it.

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Has There Ever Been A More Thoroughly Produced Commercial Jingle Than This?

The problem with most local commercials is that the businesses paying for them are relatively small and cannot afford a professionally made high quality commercial.  Such is not the problem for Cohen’s Fashion Optical.  Cohen’s is a glasses store chain in New York and I think they spent $5 million on this commercial.  If you don’t have the jingle from this commercial stuck in your head after watching it, you are simply not human.  It will make you truly feel that there is nowhere except Cohen’s that you could feel so smart and sexy.  There is God in this.

Didn’t this make you so fun and happy?

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Stan The Man Griffin Is The Best Science Fiction/Horror/Sensitive-Social-Issue Author Of All Time

I have a friend deep inside the publishing world who was kind enough to forward me a press release that he received late yesterday afternoon.  The release is for a book called Summoned The Novel which was written by a man named Stan The Man Griffin.  Here is the first paragraph from the release:

Holy s**t!!   I mean, clearly Stan The Man is forgetting about this:

But I’ll forgive him.

Anyway, let’s discuss more about Stan The Man.

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