Posts By garfinkn

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Justin Bieber Went To The White House Correspondents’ Dinner

The white house correspondents’ dinner is an annual dinner for those in the media who cover the White House and President of the United States.  The President and Vice President almost always attend as well.  The dinner has been held every year starting in the 1920′s.  At sometime in the 1980′s it became popular in Hollywood as well, and celebrities started getting invited.  This year, one of those celebrities was Justin Bieber.  G*dd**nit.

The celebrities who used to attend were usually at least the politically active types, the Alec Baldwins and Susan Surrandons of the entertainment world.  But this year,  Justin Bieber.  Now, I don’t want to go want to go off on a rant here, but having Justin Bieber at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is like having Dennis Miller present at the Kids’ Choice Awards, am I right?

I want to go to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.  And Justin Bieber beat me to it.  I’m jealous of Justin Bieber.  I can’t believe it.  In fact, I’m so jealous of him, I’m making Dennis Miller references.  Do you have any idea how jealous of Justin Bieber you have to be before you start making Dennis Miller references?  And he got to meet Marlon Wayans?!?!  Whaaaaaaaaat?

Read more…

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This Ad Is Not Alright

I have a friend who lives in Thailand.  Or maybe Taiwan.  I don’t pay attention enough.  Either way, she took a picture of an ad she saw in the Thailand or Taiwan subway.  Here it is.

I have no idea what the ad is for.  I hope it’s not for what it looks like it’s for.  I don’t even know why they would have an ad for that.

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Sandra Bullock Jewishly Circumsized Her Adopted Baby Or Something

Here are a picture and a headline that appeared on the Huffington Post yesterday evening.

For those of you who don’t know, a Bris is the ceremony during which Jewish baby boys get circumcised.  So, there are a whole lot of questions that this picture/headline combination raises.  Probably most of you already know that Sandra Bullock adopted a baby from New Orleans.  I did not know that when I read this.  So I was confused X 80.  I was all, “Sandra Bullock has a baby, Sandra Bullock has a Jewish Baby?  And the Jewish baby is black?  How did…what?”

At this point I was thinking that perhaps Sandra Bullock could have been Jewish all along without me knowing. I doubted it though; I have pretty good Jew-dar.  And I was pretty positive I’d already know if she were black, because they only thing more sensitive than my Jew-dar is my black-dar.

Anyway, it turns out, as you know, that the baby is adopted and also Sandra Bullock is not Jewish.  The Bris is just a weird thing she did.  But, Noah, how do you know for sure she’s not Jewish? Oh, because I found a website:  www.jewornotjew.com, which is apparently a thing that exists and is like a terrifying version of the Hot or Not website.  And what I learned is that Sandra Bullock for sure is not Jewish, but still got a six on some kind of weird Jew scale.

That is an actual screen grab from their Sandra Bullock page.  Is it offensive?  Ani lo yodeah!  (Hebrew for “I don’t know!”)

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So, That Relationship Between The Porn Star And Ulitimate Fighting Champion Didn’t Work Out

Porn star Jenna Jameson and mixed martial artist Tito Ortiz have ended their relationship.  Instead of just telling you what happened, I will recreate for you what your side of the conversation would sound like if somebody called you on the phone to tell you about it.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

YOU:  Hello, thank you so much for calling my phone.

Muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice.

YOU:  What?!  They broke up?!  I didn’t even know they were together!  Or who that guy is.  Who is that guy?

Muffled phone voice.

YOU: Oh.  Figures.  Ha.  What happened, did she, like, get messed up on drugs like a porn star and then he got abusive like a guy who beats people senseless for –

Muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice, muffled phone voice.

YOU: Oh, that is what happened.  Wow.  Or the opposite of “wow” I guess.

Oh, you.  You are so witty on the telephone.  Anyway.  Yeah, that was you finding out that Tito is accusing Jenna of being hooked on OxyContin and freaking out when she was confronted about it, and Jenna is claiming that Tito picked her up over his head and threw her in a bathtub.

Let’s Twilight this up.  Who’s on Team Jenna and who’s on Team Tito?  And….. the results are in.  Nobody is on Team Tito.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Wants More Kids So Let’s Help Her Name Them

Gwyneth Paltrow wants to have more children!  What a joyous day!  She just recently told People Magazine:

“I would love to have another child at some point. I feel very, very lucky that I have two healthy, nice ones.”

As we all know, Gwyneth Paltrow named her first kid Apple.  And that is ridiculous.  But, I can sort of see how maybe the kid might like being named Apple.  I used to pretend I had all sorts of crazy names when I was a kid like Devon or Rabbi-Cop (this was not a reference to Robocop but instead a name based on what I was positive I would be when I grew up).

Anyway, let’s all help Gwyneth name her future baby by way of a game called The Gwyneth Paltrow Future Baby Name Generator Game.  Here’s how the game works.  You pick a word, any word.  Done! It’s such an easy game.  I’ll go first.  Chair.  “Oooooh, good one,” you all say.  Yes.  I’m very good at this game.  Chair Paltrow. I’ll put it up on the board.  Let’s do another one.  Parabola.  Even better.  I’ll keep going.

The Board

1. Chair Paltrow

2. Parabola Paltrow

3. Food Paltrow

4. Seemingly Paltrow

5. Therefore Paltrow

You can play at home too!  And you should.  Send in all your great great Gwyneth Paltrow Future Baby Name Generator Game names.

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The Next Big Viral Obama Video

Let me first say that there is absolutely nothing funny about the recent West Virginia mine disaster.  Twenty Nine men, all of whom had friends and family who loved them, lost their lives.  Every day, they descended into a mine knowing that a certain level of danger was inherent in their work, yet, by all accounts, they were happy to do it.  They performed one of the few jobs left in America that actually produces something.  They dug into the earth and came back up with the very thing that allowed the rest of us to live our lives with comfort.  Our lights come on with the simple flick of a switch, but only because men and women like these have the skill and fortitude to, day after day, climb into the bowels of earth and tunnel further and further away from safety.  Now they are gone.  And there is nothing funny about that.

However.

There was this thing that happened during the memorial service.  As a man came to the podium to sing the national anthem, the TV cameras focused not on him, but instead, on Barack Obama who was singing along.  And it looked like this:

Very good, Mr. President.  You made it look like you were Mighty Mouse singing the national anthem.  You are the new Andy Kaufman.

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Jesse James’ Dad: Jesse James Is A Nazi…Still…And Again

Usually, it’s not fair to call someone a Nazi.  People use the word “Nazi” too much.   So much, in fact, that I think people even complain about other people using the word “Nazi” too much, too much.  But, Jesse James… It just keeps getting more okay for people to call him a Nazi.  From TMZ:

Jesse James’ father [Larry James] says he wasn’t shocked by the infamous photo of Jesse in Nazi garb — because he claims Jesse had a deep fascination with Hitler’s evil war machine that stems back to his childhood [...] Larry claims he gave Jesse information about the Neo-Nazi movement “as a joke” — but soon noticed that Jesse, “liked their war machine, he liked their uniforms, he liked their guns, he liked everything about them.

Obviously, nobody likes Jesse James.  He is awful.  But after reading this, I think his dad might be worse.  I like to imagine that even if I had a son who was a Nazi, I still wouldn’t throw him under the bus.  I mean, first of all, I’d be like, “Your Jewy grandparents are going to be very upset about this.”  But after that stern talking-to, I would be there to protect him.  Even after he married a movie star and then cheated on her with an even grosser tattooed Nazi than himself, he would remain my son.  Despite our differences, his pain would be my pain.  Jesse James’ father does not feel this way.  Because of that, I have the following to say to Larry James:  You, sir, are the Nazi.

Na, just kidding.  Go punch your son in the face.  He’s a d**k.  A big Nazi D**k.

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This Guy Turned A Hummer Into A Horse Carriage

This is an artist named Jeremy Dean.

He turned a Hummer into a horse carriage.  You can read more about him here if you so please.

Everybody is always like, “Noah, stop watching Dylan Rattigan on MSNBC while you’re blogging.”

And to them I say, “But I saw the hummer horse carriage story on that show just now and is an awesome story.”

“Touche,” everybody responds.

You want another picture?  Alright.

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