Posts By garfinkn

by

So The New James Bond Movie…Wait, No, Now We’re Talking About A Broccoli Woman

Did you just read the headline for this blog post?  You did, didn’t you?  And probably it made you a little confused.  You might have read it and then by the end of the headline you were disoriented and maybe even a bit angry.  Well, that’s exactly how you would have felt if you read part of this Huffinton Post article (Bold lettering and the word “motherf**king” added for emphasis):

Producers say work on the next James Bond film has been halted indefinitely because of uncertainty about the future of distributor Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc. Producers Michael G. Wilson and [motherf**king] Barbara Broccoli say development of the movie was suspended after MGM failed to find a buyer.

And that’s about as far as it’s possible to get when you read that article because for the rest of all time ever you’re distracted by the idea that there is actually a woman named Barbara Broccoli.  Obviously “Broccoli” is a hilarious last name to have, but the alliteration with “Barbara” is just perfect.  Barbara Broccoli.

Read more…

by

Sometimes A Gif Is So Good That I Literally Repost It On This Blog And Then Write About It In A Hyperbolic Way

So, we all like the Discovery Channel show, Mythbusters. Or maybe we don’t, but we at least we watch marathons of it when there’s nothing else on.  We’re all on the same page more or less.  Anyway.  Adam is goofy and Jamie looks like a walrus wearing a hat.  Therefore, this:

I have no idea who made this GIF or why they made it, but I am going to marry it.  And I am going to take its last name (so sick of this Garfinkel bulls**t).

Thanks, Reddit.

Another thing real quick:  That might not be a walrus.  But I don’t care and I’m not going to do the research to find out.

by

Colin Farrell Was Not, I Repeat NOT, Involved In A Street Fight

From Contact Music:

A representative for Colin Farrell has confirmed the actor was not involved in a street fight on Saturday night (17Apr10) – photos apparently showing him in a scuffle featured a lookalike.

The Miami Vice star was said to have grappled with a fellow partygoer outside London’s Cafe De Paris before onlookers broke up the brawl.

Photographs of the incident showed a man who bears a striking resemblance to the Irishman being restrained by pals – but Farrell was in Los Angeles at the time.

So.  Yeahhhhh.   I guess Colin Farrell wasn’t in that street fight that I didn’t at all know about ever until I read that he wasn’t in it.  Cool.

But this all leads to an unavoidable question:  Why on earth are people not getting into street fights with Colin Farrell?  That guy, with his weird v-neck shirt and necklaces.  Somebody street fight him already.  Please.  Look at this guy:

Somebody street fight this guy.

by

George Lopez Has The Best Monologue Endings Of All Time

George Lopez is the best at everything.  Literally everybody knows that and literally nobody would ever disagree.  He is perfect and his TBS talk show, Lopez Tonight, is perfect.  Because the whole show is perfect, it’s hard to say which part is best, but if I was forced to make a choice, I would say that the last joke of his monologue is the crowning achievement of every show.  He always delivers an absolutely awesome joke and then throws to the band to play him out.  Oh boy, is it awesome to watch.  My friend, Joe Mande, and I decided to compile the last monologue jokes from ten consecutive Lopez Tonight shows to make something we call the George Lopez Game.  Please enjoy it, and I know you will enjoy it because all of these jokes make a lot of sense, are well written, and are undeniably hilarious.

Note To Reader:  This video is now on a VH1 player because the original was taken off Vimeo.  George Lopez is, as you would expect based on his so far flawless character, very vigilant.

by

50 “Fiddy” Cent Is Getting Un-Inked

50 Cent is getting his tattoos removed.  Yayyyyy!!!!  Or Boooooo!!  I don’t know.  I’m sure some strong emotion is warranted; I just don’t know in which direction it should be manifested.

According to People.com he is trying to get into acting and feels that his tattoos are holding him back.  I feel like this is the story that never gets told to our inner-city youth.  “Before you start running around with a bad crowd and getting all tattooed up, just remember this: that could potentially keep you from costarring with Chase Crawford in the upcoming drama Twelve.”

(A note to the reader: 50 Cent will be costarring with Chase Crawford in the upcoming drama Twelve.  He got away with the tattoos this time.)

It’s hard to even imagine what 50 Cent would look like without tattoos though.  Wait hold on… Oh, okay.  I’m just getting word that we just got a hold of a picture of the newly tattoo-free 50 Cent.  Let’s take a look:

Read more…

by

This Guy’s Going To Teach You To Flirt; Uh Oh, He Just Had Sex With All Of Us

There is a website formerly known as Expert Village that is now eHow.com.  The people who run this website are absolutely experts as you can for sure tell by their former name.  They know how to do a whole ton of stuff and sometimes they post videos on YouTube showing you how to do those things.  One thing they know how to do really well is flirt.  Are you worried that maybe you’re not the best at flirting?  Well worry not anymore, because you’re about to get taught how to do it by a guy who looks like Hal Sparks with a soul patch.  If you’re looking to get f**ked like super efficiently, I strongly recommend watching the whole thing.  But if you’re in a hurry and you just need a quick HJ to get by you can totally just watch 1:28 to 1:47.

Oh he’s good.  All of all of our things (your and mine and his) are absolutely COVERED in all kinds of gross stuff.  Was it good for all of us?  Yes, it was.  Remember when he wanted to eat OUR F**KING EYEBALLS OUT OF OUR FACES?!!   That was so hot.

Thanks, @meganganz

by

Video Of The Tuesday: A Man Cries Hard And Weird

Well, we’ve got another video to post.  Sorry, guys, but the internet is having a really good video day.  I promise this is great.  It is titled “Best Cry Ever” and that is a very accurate title.

Here’s why it’s brilliant.  You see that the video is called “Best Cry Ever.”  Then the video opens on a guy crying, and the guy is just alright at crying.  And you’re like, “Oh boy, this is a disappointment.”  Then, all of the sudden, there’s this other guy crying.  And you’re like “Now, this is the best cry ever…wait a minute…THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS GUY THE WHOLE TIME!!”  What an awesome Tuesday.

Thanks, Reddit.

Update:  This is, as I had originally suspected, from A&E’s Intervention

by

Conan’s Surviving Just Fine

Yesterday, it was announced that Conan would be moving to TBS in November.  He also started his live theater tour in Eugene, Oregon.  Here’s a clip of him playing I Will Survive at that show.

by

Oh, Shoot, The Pope Is Coming; Put You D**k Away!

Here’s a fun thing that is actually happening in the world.  The Pope is visiting Malta and a local mayor is now demanding that a huge phallic sculpture near the airport be taken down before the pontiff arrives.

You guys want to go on a terrible rapid fire joke spree?  No. Nobody does.  But that’s what we’re gonna do.  Here are some terrible jokes about this that not even I think are funny.

1.)  They’re actually just going to pour cold water on it until it shrinks so much nobody notices it.

2.)  I think that’s a Hell’s Angels Smurf’s penis.

3.)  That’s what a totum pole would look like if Native Americans just had sections of penises for their heads.

4.)  I think that’s Michelle “Bombshell” McGee’s penis.

5.)  (A guy on a boat scoops chum into the water.  He looks up and is startled by the statue.) “We’re gonna need a bigger prostitute.”

6.)  I think that’s Avatar’s Penis.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got.  You guys can play too in the comment section (please don’t).

Thanks, Huffington Post.