Posts By garfinkn


Let’s Check In On All Our Childhood Search Engines

Everyone loves Google.  Google is great.  And everybody remembers the first time they made a “what happens if you Google “Google?” joke and thought they were the first one to come up with it.  That was an important moment in all of our lives.  But, before Google became “the” search engine, there were all those other search engines.  We don’t use them anymore, but they’re still there — just hanging around.   Let’s see what they’re up to.  Whuddup, Yahoo?

Yahoo’s still sort of a thing.  They’ve got a solid weird news section (otherwise known as “oddly enough”) that I still look at sometimes.  Sadly though, I usually do a search for “yahoo weird news” on Google to get to that page.  But, I’m sure a lot of great aunts out there still Yahoo, and good for them.

AltaVista though?  Oh, man.

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Well, This Little Girl Is Going To Grow Up And Murder A Boyfriend Named Steven

If you keep watching random YouTube videos by way of clicking on the video suggestions on the right hand side of the screen, you will eventually end up watching a whole series of videos of kids throwing temper tantrums.  I just watched like 50 child temper tantrum videos.  Most of them are innocent enough.  Kids freak out and yell.  It’s what they do.  And that’s fine.  But this kid…oh, boy.  She starts off so normal sounding.  But then by the end she just sounds like a full grown adult who is probably going to murder Steven.  You see, she loves Steven.  Steven is the only one she loves and she wants him to come to Japan.  She loves no one else and never will.

I promise you this is more murder-y than cute.  Don’t think this is cute or you will surely die at the hands of a jealous significant other.


A Very Fun And Nice Email From Jesse James That Is Not Gross (Na, It’s Gross)

After your sex scandal begins with a fully tattooed lady who dresses up like a Nazi, it would seem like it would be hard to maintain that level of bluuuuuhhhh-gross-what-are-you-doing.  But Jesse James really excels at keeping a steady and consistently creepy stream of information coming out.

This week, one of Jesse James’ other mistresses released a few of the emails he sent her.  Here’s one:

January 9, 2007
Jesse – “In a meeting?”
Merilee – “No…I’m done.”
Jesse – “Need anything before I split?…..”
Merilee – “Some tums.”
Jesse – “I have some special fluid that you can drink and i t makes it all better….”

Good innuendo, Jesse James!  You’re such a clever writer that I almost didn’t even realize you were making a c** drinking joke, which, by the way, is a really really good c** drinking joke!  And you know who loves c** drinking jokes?  Women with stomach aches who are requesting medication.   You nailed it.

A Note From The Author:  At one point during the writing of this post I had a typo and accidentally wrote “c** drking.”  My computer then suggested that perhaps I meant “C** Dr. King.”  I cracked up.  My apologies to the King family and late reverend himself.

Thanks, Huffington Post.


Can We Start Trying A Little Harder When We Name Our Ice Cream Trucks?

Yesterday, I was walking around in Williamsburg, Brooklyn which is the neighborhood I moved to shortly after buying a pea coat.  And while walking around I saw this poorly named ice cream truck:

Mister Best Ice Cream.  Good going, guy who owns that truck, you idiot a**hole.  First off, don’t spell out “mister.”  Secondly, you can’t have three words following “mister.”  There’s only supposed to be one word after “mister.”  “Mr. Cream.”  That would have been fine.  Even two words after “mister” is acceptable.  “Mr. Ice Cream.”  But, that third word is the worst.  Way too on the nose.  Mister Blog Writer Guy Who’s Upset says, “change that name, Mister Best Ice Cream.”

Next Time on BWE:  Is “Family Tree” a good name for a dollar store?



The following video is terrible.  It is disgusting and offensive and disturbing.  But it is so overwhelmingly disturbing that it is, in fact, undeniably remarkable and history making.  First of all, the title of the video is “P***y Eating 101.”   And while there are no actual female parts involved in the video, (I don’t think there were any female parts even within 35 miles of where this was filmed) it is still somehow more pornographic than actual porn.  The whole thing is just a guy sitting in front of a camera and performing pantomime cunnilingus while My Heart Will Go On plays in the background.  Click on the horrifying screen shot if you want to watch the video which, I MUST WARN YOU ONE LAST TIME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO WATCH!!

I told you not to watch that.  I don’t know what you want me to do.  You were warned.  I think this guy does a better tutorial though.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.  Thanks a whole lot (scarcastic).


A 100 Second Long Guide To Doing Your Taxes

There are two guys who are friends of mine and they are funny and they make videos for Details Magazine.  Yeah, they make videos for a magazine.  Don’t worry about it.

Their names are Gabe Delahaye and Max Silvestri.  They are currently doing a series called Gabe and Max’s 100 Seconds. In this one, they tell you how to do your taxes.  In the words of a poorly written description for a YouTube I once saw, “watch them how they do it.”

“Oh my god, Noah.  You actually know them??”  You’re goddamn right I do.


The Arrested Development Movie is The Ross and Rachel Of My Generation

Is the movie going to happen?  Is it not going to happen?  Is the movie going to marry that weird British girl, Emily, or perhaps date Mark?  Well, it seems like for the time being, we finally have an answer.  Chandler Bing David Cross said in a recent episode interview with that they really started turning the Ross character into a huge p***y around season 3 and the show never fully recovered in all likelihood the movie will not be happening.  He believes the general consensus to be that it’s just been too long since Arrested Development actually aired and everybody from the cast is working on his or her own thing.  But seriously…I never ended up watching the last few seasons of Friends.  Did Ross and Rachel end up together?  I know Chandler and Monica did, but I just never got caught up on the Ross/Rachel thing.  They had a kid together.  I know that much.


This Is An Old Lady Saying “Snus” A Whole Bunch Of Times

This past Sunday, Lesley Stahl from 60 Minutes did a report on a tobacco product called Snus (pronounced “snoose”  like  “loose”).  Obviously, this required Lesley Stahl to say the word “Snus” at least a certain number of times, but, man, she really over did it.  She loves saying “Snus.”  Snus is way too ridiculous of a word to say as many times as she did.  It sounded like an insane Dr. Seuss book.


TMZ Is The Best At Being TMZ: The Tiger Woods Press Conference

If you’re anything like me, you are right at this moment sitting in your boxers, microwaving your lunch, and watching the Tiger Woods press conference on mute.  And let’s face it.  You are a lot like me.

Because you are so much like me, you are also reluctantly visiting the TMZ website and noticing that not only are they live streaming the Tiger Woods press conference, but also LIVE STREAMING ONE OF TIGER WOODS MISTRESSES WATCHING THE PRESS CONFERENCE!

Wow, TMZ.  You really nailed it.  This is what technology was made for.  Back when Galileo invented discovery, he knew one day we’d all watch a porn star watch a guy she slept with answer questions about golf.  And finally.  Here we are.