Posts By garfinkn

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TMZ Is The Best At Being TMZ: The Tiger Woods Press Conference

If you’re anything like me, you are right at this moment sitting in your boxers, microwaving your lunch, and watching the Tiger Woods press conference on mute.  And let’s face it.  You are a lot like me.

Because you are so much like me, you are also reluctantly visiting the TMZ website and noticing that not only are they live streaming the Tiger Woods press conference, but also LIVE STREAMING ONE OF TIGER WOODS MISTRESSES WATCHING THE PRESS CONFERENCE!

Wow, TMZ.  You really nailed it.  This is what technology was made for.  Back when Galileo invented discovery, he knew one day we’d all watch a porn star watch a guy she slept with answer questions about golf.  And finally.  Here we are.

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Here’s A Commercial Where They Trick People Into Smelling Cat Piss And Then The People Are Okay With It

This came on at around 3:30 in the morning when I was watching CNN:

Oh man.  Where are we even going to start with this one?  Oh yeah, the part where they all huff the cat piss.  The lab coat guy is great.  Completely unprompted, he just takes a big whiff of the cat piss, and before the nice blond lady can even start her talk about how you can take a big whiff of the cat piss, this guy is already off to try to get other people to take a big whiff of the cat piss.  AND THEN THEY DO!  Don’t DO that, other people!

And then, of course, you can eat the cat litter.  Because it’s just corn.  So basically what they’re saying is that 15 seconds prior, they had people take big whiffs of what was just cat piss mixed with corn.  Now, I haven’t done any experiments myself, but I’m at least pretty sure that corn and cat piss don’t cancel each other out enough for taking a big whiff of cat piss to be pleasant.

Also, the name of the product is “World’s Best Cat Litter.”  Maybe they should have spent a little more time working on the name and a little less time taking big whiffs of cat piss.

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Here’s An iPhone App Fight That Is Great

This is a truly great video that I had a really great time watching.  I feel like you will feel the same.

Oh, Carl.  That is exactly how it used to sound when I fought with my mom in middle school.  S**t got NUTS.

Thanks to TheDailyWh.at.

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Nicolas Cage’s Hair Cut: Safe For Work, But Just Barely

Technically, there is nothing inappropriate with looking at this picture of Nicolas Cage at work, but maybe try to make sure nobody sees you doing it.

Oh man, I really hope that hair do is Gone in 60 Seconds.  I have an adorable niece who doesn’t need to see this and I am going to be Guarding Tess all week to make sure she never finds out.   I bet the existence of this picture is already Raising Arizona‘s therapy prices.  Good god, he could walk into a Wayne Newton concert and make everyone start Leaving Las Vegas.  He is certainly Bringing Out the Dead person look.  This is the worst.  Uch, and Snake Eyes was a terrible movie.  What was he thinking?

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The Jesse James Nazi Story That Keeps On Nazi Giving

Listen.  Jesse James is probably not a Nazi.  Even his mistress, Michelle “NaziBombshell” McGee, is probably not a Nazi.  She’s definitely closer to being a Nazi than Jesse James is, but that’s not what I’m going to get into here.  What I’m going to get into is Jesse James’ recent explanation for the picture of him wearing an S.S. hat and sieg-heil-ing.

The hat was a “gag gift” to Jesse from his Jewish godfather, attorney Joe Yanny told CNN. As further evidence his client is no neo-Nazi, he added that Jesse spent a month in an Israeli kibbutz.

I say this with no irony:  Oy.

Here’s the thing.  I get Nazi jokes.  I really do.  If somebody gave me a Nazi hat, I would probably put it on and sieg a hearty heil.  But what I would not do at the same time as that is be famous and take a picture of it.  In the event that I did, however, I would certainly not try to explain it away with a “some of my best friends are Jews who give me Nazi hats” explanation.  And furthermore I would not add that I spent a month in Israel on a kibbutz.  You know who else spent a month on a kibbutz?!  Hitler!  (Probably not true.)

Works Cited: Huffington Post

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Surprise!!! Native Americans Are Offended By Heidi And Spencer’s New Native American Names.

Apparently, Heidi and Spencer Pratt announced yesterday that they are adopting Native American Names in an attempt to be more spiritual.  Heidi is now White Wolf and Spencer is now Running Bear.

Sure.

Let me first explain why this is not controversial.  Everybody is in agreement this is stupid.  There is no controversy.  We’re all on the same page. This is what Heidi and Spencer do.  They do something idiotic and then we all talk about it.  And that’s fine.  They’re making a good living off of it and nobody gets physically harmed.

I only explain that so that I can say this:  Hey Native American spokespeople, there is no need to make a statement about this.  We’re already on your side; we’re already all generally offended by Heidi and Spencer.  Making a statement cannot possibly benefit you because — Oh, what’s that?  You already had a representative from the Rosebud Sioux Tribe make a statement?  To TMZ?  Oh boy.  Well let’s read what you had to say:

“Continued stereotyping such as this by people ignorant of our traditional ways is very disrespectful and only hurts our efforts to curtail these stereotypes.”

Oh… Actually, that’s pretty good; very well stated.  I stand corrected.  Wait.  You have one more thing to say?

“[We're espeicially upset because] the names they have given themselves are legitimate names in our tribe.”

NOOOOOOOOOO!  You messed UP!!!!  Now we’re all just thinking about how it’s a at least a little funny that those are legitimate names.  And you also gave Heidi and Spencer credit for being accurate.   You have to listen to me when I talk to you about public relations.

(By Way Of TMZ.)

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Even Bruce Willis Gets Regular-Person-Drunk Sometimes

You know when you’re like…pretty drunk;  you’re okay, and you can think straight in your own head, but you’ve basically lost the ability to speak normally with any confidence?  Well that happened to Bruce Willis at a Hornets/Lakers game.

Ah, man, Bruce.  We’ve all been there.  Fortunately for us, we don’t have to talk to a sports journalist about Bruce Willis movies when that happens.  Being a celebrity looks really hard.

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This Video Will Be On All Of The Blogs Because It Is An “All The Single Ladies” Video.

This video has Beyonce’s “All The Single Ladies” it it.  You know what that means:  it will be on everything!  It also has a baby in it.  And you know what that means:  See above!

Clearly the best part is the look on the blue shirt girl’s face when the kid first begins crying.  She is very unhappy with that dad.  “Daaaad-UH! she says with her her eyes.

(Thanks, reddit.)

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Here’s A Guy Who Shouldn’t Have Pistol Whipped His Mom 12 Years Ago.

Okay,  this is a really long crazy thing.  So let’s just start at the beginning.

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.  They are a rapper band.  Or something.  You remember them from the mid-to-late 90′s when their song “The Crossroads” was all the some of the rage.  Anyway, one of the rapper band members –  the one pictured above on the far right –  is named Flesh-N-Bone.   He was arrested on Monday, and the scene was described by the Huffington Post as such:

Thirty-six-year-old Stanley Howse – whose stage name is Flesh-N-Bone – was in jail Monday, a day after he was taken into custody during a show in the group’s hometown of Cleveland.

Sheriff’s spokesman John O’Brien says deputies didn’t wait until after the show because Howse seemed to notice them, invited audience members to the stage and tried to slip out. He was arrested backstage.

O’Brien says Howse was wanted on domestic violence and felonious assault charges. The rapper is accused of striking his mother with a gun in 1998, leaving a 1-inch (2.5-centimeter) gash on her head.

That’s it.  Those are all the facts as published.  Okay?  No, not okay.  It makes no sense.   First of all, why did the police feel they needed to go out of their way to explain their reasons for not letting the concert finish?  I think pretty much every one was pre-okay with that.  And then the whole it’s-been-12-years thing.  There is a rational explanation for that.  And I get it.  But given just this description of events, you have to do a lot of your own deductive reasoning to figure it out.  And I believe the most logical series of events one can put together from the above story is as follows:

Read more…

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Whelp…Looks Like Someone Invented The iShirt.

Are you tired of all those lame shirts that never ever let you know when you have a new email?  There must be a better way!

Introducing:  The Shirt That Tells You When You Have An Email!!!!!

Yeah, so this is a thing that a guy made.  But, it’s not like he just made a tee shirt that tells you how many emails you have.  He also made a video about it which includes the phrase, “It’s going to tell the lily pad using the dongle, and then that lily pad is going to show the number on these LEDs.”

Don’t worry, it’s completely dish washer safe.

Thanks, engadget.