I’ve never been really into conspiracy theories in general. But what I am really into are conspiracy theories that I make up myself while reading the Huffington Post at my Father’s apartment in Houston, Texas after going to the dentist for the first time in five years (NO CAVITIES!!!!). Anyway, there were two stories I saw and I am convinced they are related. Here’s the first story:
I saw this and I was all like, “Okey doke.” You know, just a regular old “okey doke,” because I don’t really ever say “no doy.” But then…. I saw this story:
Oh boy. Ricky Martin is going to be president. This is totally lavida loca. This is upside inside out. This is the Macarena. Ricky Martin wrote Macarena, right?.
So the biggest YouTube star of the past two weeks, the Piano Chatroulette Guy, finally did an interview. Oh boy, did he do an interview. He did a 15 minute interview. I was really into his original video, and even I don’t like this guy 15 interview minutes worth of time. Also he pronounces “pianist” with the stress on the “a.” “PiAnist,” he says.
I definitely like the piano chatroulette guy less now. I feel bad about saying that though, because he’s in a rough spot. No one has ever seemed gracious when talking about fame that they’ve garnered from YouTube. Even so, there was something particularly saccharine about this guy that left me feeling uneasy. How do you guys feel about it? Tell me your feelings. Or feel free to record your feelings in song form while playing the piano and then post it on YouTube. It’s up to you.
In a small village in Colombia, children take a 1,200 foot high zip line to school. That is what this news story is about, and there are some fantastic photos they have posted along with the article. You should really click on that and look at them. But like….they don’t tell you how the kids get home. They just talk about how the zip line is the only way for the kids to get to school, which is just….that can’t be true; the quickest way to school is never an extreme sport. And if that was somehow true, the kids would go to school once and then be stuck there for the rest of their lives.
Oh, and you’re probably wondering, “What does that girl have in that sack?” Schoolbooks you might guess. Nope. It’s her younger brother. The older kids (they define older kids as 9 years old) take their little siblings to school in a sack that they carry with them on the zip line.
Come ON, Colombia! You can’t do that. But if you are going to do that… can I also do that? Can I come over and do that? That looks so fun. I’ll even be on of the in-the-sack people. School’s cool, school’s cool.
I feel like there’s a 75% chance this story is a hoax and I’m going to look like an idiot, but hey, this is the Big Leagues. We take risks.
Thank you, boingboing.
Just moments ago, Barack Obama signed into law the health care bill that passed the House of Representatives yesterday. And to celebrate, Joe Biden said the F-word.
Just after Biden introduced Obama to make a few remarks to the press, Biden says into Obama’s ear “This is a big f**king deal.” Here’s a picture of it happening.
To watch the video, check it out on the Huffington Post because we can’t embed it. It’s kind of hard to hear him say it, but if you listen to it a few times, you finally hear it, and you’re like, “I want Joe Biden, need Joe Biden.”
Oh, Sh*******************************t!!! WE HAVE TO GET THE F#*K OUT OF HERE!!
Oh my god, are we all okay? Jesus, that was nuts. Let’s just settle down. At least he wasn’t looking directly at us. Wait!….
Yeah, you want to read about Dancing With The Stars. That’s fine. This is a show you watch. You watch things like American Idol and Dancing With The Stars, and then you go to parties where people make fun of those shows, and you say, “No, they’re actually really entertaining if you just watch them.” These are mainstream programs to be sure, but you still manage to make liking them seem quirky. And while you’ll never convince me to watch these shows, I will admit that your love for them is immensely charming to me. See, it’s our ability to see each other’s flaws in a positive light that makes “us” work.
Anyway, I got you this for you for our anniversary. It’s a clip of Kate Gosselin looking absolutely 1987 stunning while she dances in a manner that leads a judge to compare her to a shopping cart, which sounds lame but is actually a solid zing. I was going to try to make fun of her dancing myself, but the shopping cart line is way better than anything I came up with. So far this is my best comment about it: Oh, MAN, is she bad at dancing or what?!
Okay, we’re back on track. We found an actually good internet video that is perfect in the way that only internet videos can be perfect. It’s a video of a baby who hates Miley Cyrus and loves Bon Jovi. In other words, this our daughter. We gave her up because we were young and stupid, but she is in good hands and we can accept that even if we made a mistake, this is the life that is best for her now.
Thank you, buzzfeed, and thank you, baby.
It’s a slow internet day. There’s nothing I can do about it, and there’s nothing you can do about it. All we can really do on a day like this is try our darnedest to find something to watch. Today, the thing we’re going to watch is a student getting arrested in class. It’s about five minutes long, but please PLEASE feel free to just start at around 2:30. What you’ll notice is that the woman/girl/I-have-no-idea-what-her-age-is probably doesn’t deserve to get arrested, but you’re still so happy she’s getting arrested.
So that’s the thing we watched. We sure did watch that. My favorite part is how the police have to ask if she needs and ambulance because they are police and the girl has to say yes because she is s@%#y. I also love her “you’re making me do this” mentality. I think she and I will get married now. Does LegalZoom do eventual restraining orders?
As you may or may not know, the PBS program Reading Rainbow went off the air in 2006 after two decades on television. But if you were checking LeVar Burton’s Twitter on Friday (which you totally were) you would have seen (and you totally did see) this:
This will probably affect none of our lives directly but is so great! I mean, we’re not going to watch this show, you and I. That’s not something we’re going to do. But just the idea of it being on television is comforting. I also really like the idea of it being “Rainbow 2.0,” because the “2.0” gives LeVar a more than adequate excuse to host the show like this:
“Captain, our photon tazers are set to hyper-literate!” This is going to be the best.
We’re all familiar with Ashley Madison, right? It’s that website where married people go to find other married people to sleep with. And I assume we can all agree that it’s sort of offensive. But what’s more offensive is their commercial — that commercial where the guy and the girl are fooling around, and a title card says, “this couple is married,” and then there’s a record scratch and you see a second woman, and then there’s another title card that says, “but not to each other!” and then the second woman yells, “Oh no you didn’t!” while she climbs on top of the guy and slaps his ass. If you haven’t seen it, it’s this:
Ridiculous. And of course she yells, “Oh, no you didn’t!” Because in this situation, clearly the woman is going to yell either “Oh, no you didn’t” or “Oh, helllllll no.” But do you really think that woman is going to yell, “Oh, helllllll no?” Oh, helllllll no.
ANYWAY. This past week, the good people at Ashley Madison updated the commercial to make an Avatar “joke.” It’s not really an Avatar joke, but it’s definitely an Avatar “joke.” Look at this:
Ashley Madison, clearly you’re awful. But trying to capitalize on the success of Avatar three months after it’s release and subsequent Oscar loss is actually more reprehensible than the very concept of your website. That being said, there is a Smurf movie coming out next year and you should totally redo this commercial with blue people.
One more thing: did James Cameron do that commercial? It looks great!