Posts By garfinkn

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Oh, Good. The Cheat-On-Your-Spouse Website Is Co-Opting Avatar Now.

We’re all familiar with Ashley Madison, right?  It’s that website where married people go to find other married people to sleep with.  And I assume we can all agree that it’s sort of offensive.  But what’s more offensive is their commercial — that commercial where the guy and the girl are fooling around, and a title card says, “this couple is married,”  and then there’s a record scratch and you see a second woman, and then there’s another title card that says, “but not to each other!” and then the second woman yells, “Oh no you didn’t!” while she climbs on top of the guy and slaps his ass.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s this:

Ridiculous.  And of course she yells, “Oh, no you didn’t!”  Because in this situation, clearly the woman is going to yell either “Oh, no you didn’t” or “Oh, helllllll no.”  But do you really think that woman is going to yell, “Oh, helllllll no?”  Oh, helllllll no.

ANYWAY.  This past week, the good people at Ashley Madison updated the commercial to make an Avatar “joke.”  It’s not really an Avatar joke, but it’s definitely an Avatar “joke.”  Look at this:

Ashley Madison, clearly you’re awful.  But trying to capitalize on the success of Avatar three months after it’s release and subsequent Oscar loss is actually more reprehensible than the very concept of your website.  That being said, there is a Smurf movie coming out next year and you should totally redo this commercial with blue people.

One more thing: did James Cameron do that commercial?  It looks great!

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This Guy’s All Like, “Whoops, Obama Is Talking.”

Okay.  I know probably most of you weren’t watching news about health care all night long.  And that’s okay.  Not everybody is super in to that kind of thing.  But if you weren’t watching, you missed something totally awesome.  No, not passage of a bill that will expand health care coverage to over 30 million people!  What are you, a nerd?  The totally awesome thing was a guy that accidentally walked out behind Obama during his speech.

HAHA!  That guy is great.  That is the best way you can do that — in the White House — while the President is talking.  How did he not know a speech was going on?  What a doofus.  I love him.  Let’s check that out again in GIF form?  Absolutely.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Mom Is Really Into Eco-Dental Hygene.

So, uh. Dina Lohan …she sort of invented a toothbrush. OR SOMETHING. From Contact Music:

LINDSAY LOHAN’s mother DINA is launching her own environmentally-friendly toothbrush in a bid to raise awareness about water conservation. The Lohan Green Tooth Brush is a liquid-free device that claims to save the user two gallons of water a day.

Alrightttttttttt.  Why is….?  Like, if you….  What are we all doing here?  On earth.  What is this?  Who is it that thinks the mom of a young, seemingly troubled actress is the appropriate spokesperson for any toothbrush, much less a niche eco-toothbrush?  Because the only person I can imagine thinking that Dina Lohan is the right person for this is Dina Lohan, but she clearly didn’t do this alone.  She had help.

So, to Dina Lohan and her toothbrush aides, I would like to say this:  NOBODY IS USING TWO GALLONS OF WATER A DAY TO BRUSH THEIR TEETH!  This isn’t the 80′s.  We’re not standing around with the water running while we brush our teeth.  We all got the pamphlet in first grade.

Is it possible to file a cease and desist order based on something being s***y?

Thanks to friend Matt James for the Lohan-Toothbrush-Photoshopping.

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Alright. I Guess We All Look At The Tattooed Lady Dressed As A Nazi Now.

First of all, you should all understand that if for any reason you also blog about this, you will end up saving this image file as “Nazi Bombshell” and you will feel very uncomfortable about it.  Second of all.  This is not a photoshop thing.  This is a real thing.  Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, the lady who slept with Sandra Bullock’s husband, actually did a Nazi themed photo shoot, and TMZ got a hold of it.  Look!  There’s more!

Yikes.

Let me just put this question out there:  Who has this many fetishes?  I can understand a tattoo fetish.   But a tattoo fetish and a Nazi fetish?  At the same time?  Who wants this?  Well, I’ll tell you who wants this (the answer after the jump):

Read more…

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Check Out This Completely Arbitrary Car Art!

Uhhhhhhh…….

This was brought to our attention by friend Dave Horwitz who points out that there is,  “NO indication that this is an ad for a business. Just a guy who’s passionate about dogs, vests, cigars, Kenny Rogers, and poker.”  (The sheet music is for Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler.”)

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A Braille Rubik’s Cube! Finally? Sure, Finally!

Anytime somebody thinks of a way to make something accessible to a group of people that would otherwise not be able to enjoy it, it is a wonderful thing. The idea of a braille Rubik’s Cube is a very good idea.  Nobody is denying that.  But there is something about the braille Rubik’s Cube that is not a good idea.   And that is this: it is all white.  Just because it’s meant for blind people doesn’t mean it has to be colorless.

You can have colors and braille together.  Colors and braille are not in opposition.  They are total nonoverlapping magisteria. Having colors on the braille Rubik’s Cube can only serve to help.  If the cube is braille-ed and colored, a blind Rubik’s Cube solver can get all the same instantaneous credit a sighted Rubik’s Cube solver would get.  He can just hold it up and go, “Done!”  and everybody can be like, “Indeed, brilliant blind man!  I can tell immediately that you have, in fact, solved this Rubik’s Cube.  A million genius points to you.”  But if it’s just an all white cube with bumps, it’s a much more complicated process.  “Come feel what I did!” doesn’t have the same cache.  It sounds gross.

Thanks for the picture, boingboing!

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I Never Thought The Gayest Story In The World Would Involve A Vagina

So, here’s a headline from today:  “Boy George: Lady Gaga Asked Me To Sign Her Vagina.”

This is like a headline from The Onion if The Onion was the worst.  Wow.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against Lady Gaga or Boy George or gayness for that matter, but this is a lot to take in.  It’s kind of like the way I love cheeseburgers but think the idea of a quadruple bacon cheeseburger seems excessive.  There’s a gay icon asking a former gay pop star (former star, not former gay)  to sign a part of the body that by definition has no appeal to to the second party whatsoever.  I’ve never seen Lost.  Is this what Lost is about?  If so, I totally get why everybody thinks that show is so nuts.

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An Open Letter To That Tattooed Lady Who Is Ruining Sandra Bullock’s Life.

Dear Tattooed Lady,

I, along with everyone else today, read on every single website in existence that Jesse James is cheating on Sandra Bullock with you.  And then I actually read one of the whole stories, and it turns out that the reason we all know about this now is because you decided to tell the story to In Touch magazine.  On behalf of all people, I would like to say to you this:  Not cool, tattooed lady.  Way not cool.  Now I’ve got a couple of questions for you:

Really Tattoo Lady?  You couldn’t give Sandra Bullock a whole two weeks to enjoy the crowning achievement of her career?  You thought 10 days after her winning an Oscar was about the right amount of time to wait before you sent her world into a tailspin?  You couldn’t just let her have March?  Were you afraid that if you waited until April nobody would be able to use the “Sandra Bullock Blindsided” headline?  You shouldn’t have been afraid of that.  I promise that would have still been all the headlines.

Also, you said in your interview that you were given the impression that Jesse James and Sandra Bullock had split up.  Fair enough.  I can believe that he gave you that impression.  But maybe, just maybe, you could have tried to…I don’t know…CHECK.  That’s an easy thing to check.  Like, I didn’t even check, and I knew.   You could have checked with me.  I would have been like, “Oh yeah, they’re still together.”  And then you would have been like, “Okay, but I’m going to sleep with Jesse James anyway.”  Because, come on, look at yourself.

Anyway, all of that being said, I love you very very much and there is nothing so horrible that you can’t tell me about it.  I’ll always be here for you.

Kisses,

Noah

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Lil Wayne…You Look Different

Sometimes when you’re reading through celebrity news (you know, cause it’s your job), you come across a story that interests you.  For example, you’ll be on contactmusic.com and see a headline that reads, “Lil Wayne‘s Attourney Requests Trial Postponement,”  and you’re like, “Lil Wayne!  What are you up to THIS time!?”  And you fully intend on reading what you assume will be an interesting story.  But then you click on  link and you get so distracted by the photograph the website chose to illustrate the article that you will never actually get to reading the article.

Let me have a word with this website for a minute.

Contactmusic.com, you are a good website.  You’re thorough and I’m pretty sure you’re British.  But why?  Why on earth would you fail to use an actual picture of Lil Wayne and instead post a picture of a misguided Pinkberry employee with a tattoo of Lil Wayne.  And furthermore, why would you then choose to caption the photograph simply as “Lil Wayne” instead of something more accurate like “Not Lil Wayne?”  Don’t get me wrong.  I think it’s awesome.  If I were writing something about Lil Wayne, I might even use this picture with this caption.  But let’s face it.  I’m not you and you’re not me. We’re not us.  I write silly things, and you write serious things.  Granted, the serious things you write are about silly people, but they are serious nonetheless.   I mean, clearly you get a pass because this is a very funny thing that you’ve done, but I need you to know that it is very weird that you’ve done it.