Posts By garfinkn


Everything About This Guy’s Life Was Short

We’ve got some sad news for you this morning.  According to the Huffington Post, the shortest man in the world died yesterday at the age of 21.  His name was Pingping (obviously).   He was two feet five inches tall and, according to this picture, loved cummerbunds and clam shell cell phones.

His death was announced by a spokesperson for the Guiness Book of World Records as Pingping is now in a 106 billion-way tie for the most dead person on earth.


The Best Commercials In The World Are Happening Right Now!

Most people aren’t in love with commercials. I get that. But there are some truly amazing commercials on TV right now and you need to be in love with them. For example, there is currently a Verizon commercial that is a parody of another commercial.

Excuse me, Verizon…did you just Weird Al a Big Red chewing gum commercial. Oh you did? Well, obviously it’s the greatest.

“You’ll watch YouTube on a Horse”? Get out of here; that’s amazing. I’ll break down why. “You’ll watch YouTube on a horse” is far enough out that there that it makes you think that they only used those words in order to be congruous with the original lyrics – like they’re trying to rhyme with the original jingle. But the lyrics for that part of the jingle in the Big Red commercial are “your fresh breath goes on and on.” Not even close! Therefore, it is brilliant and you should love commercial.


Remember PG Rated Cocaine Festivals From The 80s?

I know you don’t remember The Man with One Red Shoe , but just listen for a second.

In 1985, Hollywood released a film titled The Man With One Red Shoe. It stars Tom Hanks, it is rated PG, and most importantly it is available to watch instantly on Netflix. Now, I watched this whole movie, but I cannot stress this enough: you should not watch this whole movie. What you should watch, however, are 30 seconds from the opening credits because there is an impromptu foreign dock worker cocaine party.

First of all, yes, “cocaYEEN” IS how you say cocaine in any language that isn’t English. And, yes, EVERYBODY does cocaine. If cocaine appears, everyone will do cocaine as if they are Bedouin cocaine fiends at a cocaine oasis after they haven’t seen cocaine in a 100 miles.

But also, there is clearly someone in the background who is like, “Only do cocaine of this side of the Mercedes! Nobody do cocaine off the other side of the Mercedes.” And then their boss is like, “Everyone, stop doing cocaine off that Mercedes! You’re at work! You can’t just do cocaine at work. Haven’t you ever been to work before?”

Oh, how I miss the 80’s. I was a toddler and cocaine use was totally PG. What a decade.


Minute It To Win It Totally Won It (It = Me Over)

Ed. Note: Please welcome a new contributor to the empire, Noah Garfinkel. You might recognize him from his many appearances on Best Day Ever, or maybe he bought pot from you one time. He is hilarious, you will love him. Enjoy his very first post, about the NBC docudrama “Minute to Win It.” — M. Collins

Basically, here is what happens when you see an advertisement for a game show hosted by Guy Fieri called In It To Win in which somebody has to take a lot of tissues out of a box in a minute: You’re like, “What an immensely stupid idea.  I hate Guy Fieri and I hate tissues and I will for sure watch every episode of this show.”  And then you can’t wait to watch the show.  And then you watch it and, oh boy, you love it.  You love it so much that you are seriously considering calling Guy Fieri by his name instead of “Nightmare Face.”


It is undeniable.  Watching people try to stack apples, knock glasses off of podiums with a yo-yo tied to their ass,  or blow a bubble across a room into a hula hoop is really fun.  And, as if all of that wasn’t enough, you even get to watch a chubby man try to give a million tiny pantomime B.J.s with a pedometer on his head.

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