Posts By garfinkn

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Aflac Duck Voice Auditions: Everyone No One Is A Winner!

I think we can all agree that it is okay for news organizations to sometimes cover soft news. Lighter personal interest stories have their place in informative broadcasting. But, CNN should really put a different logo up for stuff like this:

Hahaha, Gilbert Gottfried must be rolling over in his Camry. (We all just assume he has a Camry, right? What’s he going to drive, an Escalade? Get out of town.)

Now, let’s take a moment to offer some constructive criticism for all those who tried out:

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New York City To Get 23 Foot Tall Teddy Bear

So, this is a thing. From Reuters:

A 23-foot high, bronze teddy bear slumped under a black bedside lamp will be on display for five months in midtown Manhattan from next week and be a highlight of the Post-War & Contemporary sale on May 11.

The 35,000 pound sculpture, Untitled (Lamp/Bear), is the work of New York-based Swiss artist Urs Fischer. Brett Gorvy, Christie’s deputy chairman for Post-War and Contemporary Art, described Fischer as the Jeff Koons of his generation.

Also, at night time, the lamp lights up. This is just nice. Nothing to make fun of here. Park Avenue in Midtown could really use a giant teddy yellow bear. Right now all they’ve got are corporate headquarter buildings and this one pretty chill Chipotle on 48th Street that is slightly less crowded than most.

The only issue here is that… well… it kind of looks like the teddy bear is about to be put to death by way of the electric chair. Maybe it’s a statement on capitalism. Or electric chairs.

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Ranger Than Fiction: The Black Power Ranger Rap

Aside from the fact that the guy’s inhale sound is hypnotically annoying, the video is still a pretty good thing! Just ignore the inhale sound. Focus on the imagery and the accurate lyrics.

(NSFW because of language and overdramatic inhaling.)

The major accomplishment of this video was having the Power Ranger’s metallic mouth move. Remember how all the Power Rangers’ helmets all had metal mouths that wouldn’t move when the rangers talked? That was the worst. It doesn’t take much effort to make a show seem flawless to a fifth grader, but that was such a glaring error. “Come ON, Saban Entertainment.”  – You As A Kid

And how badly do you want a V.R. Troopers rap now? Oh, not at all? Fair enough.

Thanks, The High Definite.

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Christopher Walken Lookalike Attempts Kidnapping, Gets Arrested, Has Funny Mustache

According to TMZ, this is not Christopher Walken but, instead, a 68 year old man named Tony A. Kadyhrob. And instead of being in movies, he tried to kidnap a 19 year old girl at Rider University. And instead of having no mustache at all, he has a very silly one.

I’ve got obvious joke fever, and the only cure is more neck skin.*

Maybe if Mr. Kadyhrob tried to class it up a little, he wouldn’t have to try to abduct people against their will. This guy knows what I’m talking about:

*So sorry

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Guy Uses Fake Leg To Stop Robber

NBC News had a report on Friday about a convenience store customer named Steve Cornell who helped stop a robbery with his fake leg in Middletown, Massachusetts.

Just so you don’t end up disappointed, you should know right now that the guy did not remove his leg and throw it at the robber So, that sucks a little bit. But, it’s still a feel-good story. Here’s the report:

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Will Guy Freaking Out Alone On DC Subway Become The Next Meme?

There is a new video going viral today. It is a phone-cam recording of a man named Yonathan Elias realizing he is alone on a DC Metro car and then going happy-style-crazy-go-nuts about it.

(Slightly NSFW language)

Okay, so now let’s figure out if this is going to get meme-ified. Will this get a couple million views? Will copy cat videos come out featuring college kids running around the library at night yelling “I’m actin’ a fool in the library by myself!”? Will an a Capella group get their terrible beat boxer to back them up while they sing “I can jump, ah-ah! I can do whatever I want, ah-ah!”? It’s hard to say. It would be nice if it did though. It would be a solid replacement for Rebecca Black‘s Friday. We’re all about ready to start moving on from that. Your thoughts?…

Thanks, Urlesque.

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The Queen’s 40 Year Old Underwear Is Royally Gross

According to TMZ, a British auction house is holding off their sale of the Queen Elizabeth‘s old underwear until after Prince William and Kate Middleton‘s wedding. Classy move, British auction house. You know what isn’t classy though? Thrift store underwear.

Guh-YIKES. In fairness to underwear, the Queen, and the United Kingdom in general, it does look like they have yellowed a bit with time and aren’t necessarily the original color. But still. The thought of having to put those on is terrifying.

Apparently, the Queen left these on a plane in 1968. Let’s all hope this was some weird accident and not the Queen trying to flirt with the pilot.

“I prefer to keep my lady parts encased in a massive coffee stained doily.” – The Queen.

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Watch This Dumb Thing: The Ultimate Pat Toomey Fan Video

The following is an Ultimate Fan Video for Republican Senator Pat Toomey from Pennsylvania. Some of you might remember the Ultimate John Cena Fan Video. If you don’t, here is quick recap of how Ultimate Fan Videos work: They are very dumb and make no sense. Got it? Great.

It is important to note that Ultimate Fan Videos are not at all an endorsement of the people for whom they are made. They are simply celebrations of misrepresented song lyrics. Nobody should mistake the six hours I spent editing this as a sign of admiration for Pat Toomey. We don’t need to get into a whole political thing here, but let’s just say that my leanings are somewhere in the region of the polar opposite from Pat Toomey’s. He thinks there should be no taxes for corporations. Whatsoever. It’s kind of intense. For this next one minute and 20 seconds, though, we are all ultimate Pat Toomey fans.

When are Joe Cocker and Pat Toomey just gonna DO IT already?

Thanks to @joemande for helping out.

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EMERGENCY ALERT: TORTOISE GONE MISSING FROM ZOO

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TORTOISE?!?! He has gone missing from the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado. His name is Butti, and zookeepers are concerned that somebody might have stolen him to keep him as a pet.

The main zoo guy is all like…

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Who Else Has The Lindsay Lohan Homeless Guy Slept With?

TMZ is reporting that a homeless guy near the 405 freeway in Los Angeles has been spotted holding the following sign.

Now, did this guy actually sleep with Lindsay Lohan? I don’t know. I’m not a rocket scientist. But if he did, he should remember that sleeping with Lindsay Lohan is just like sleeping with all the other homeless guys she’s ever slept with.

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