Posts By garfinkn

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Just A European Guy With A MACHETE SLINGSHOT!

Here are some quotes from this video just so you know what you’re about to get into.

“It’s a machete shooting slingshot… actually a slingshot crossbow.” Oh, okay. Got it!

“I take this machete. You see I carved a notch into the tip.” Right, carving a machete. We totally follow you.

“What is it good for? Nothing. Except for attracting people’s attention on YouTube.” Mission accomplished.

So, obviously this guy is great and hopefully is a dad. If this invention would have been introduced in the first episode of The Walking Dead, that show would have been one episode long. The same applies for MacGyver. And probably even Magnum, P.I. for that matter. Any show, really. This is the invention to abbreviate all action based narratives.

Thanks again, Space Ghetto, though, as always, I will not link to you because of genitals, nightmares, and potential lawsuits.

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The Prince William And Kate Middleton Toilet Seat

“I’ve got a toilet seat. And the only cure… is Prince William and Kate Middleton.” – English Person Who Doesn’t Understand Toilets, Royalty, Or The Cow Bell Blue Oyster Cult Sketch

Let’s discuss the many ways in which this is a bad idea. While the word “throne” is often used as a term for toilets, there is something distinctly unroyal about them. It’s probably that you sh*t in them. That’s probably the unroyal thing about them — the sh*t. So, that’s issue #1.

Now, issue #2. Is it that hard to draw Prince William and Kate Middleton? Why does no artistic likeness of them look anything like them? What is that? Just trace a magazine cover, England. But this is really more of a general concern about the art surrounding this impending wedding than it is a problem with this specific toilet seat, so let’s move on to our final issue, issue #3: This Toilet’s Surroundings.

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The Olsen Twins In A Clip Titled “Adorably Racist”

This is a clip taken from one of those 9o’s movies staring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. The title of the clip, “Adorably Racist,” has it’s pros and cons. On one hand, it is a very good title in that it gives you the perfect level of warning for what is going to happen. On the other hand, it preempts any good joke you want to make. The title and video together are a closed joke system that allows for no additional jokes. Look.

See?

Person 1: Hahaha, that seemed especially silly and racist out of context.

Person 2: Hahaha, yeah, but the title just f*cking told us that. Go to hell.

Thanks, Reddit.

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Best Player On Haifa, Israel’s Basketball Team: Jermaine Jackson

Last night I was scrolling through the guide on my cable box looking for something to watch. On the YES Channel (the cable network for the Yankees) there was a show airing called “Inside Israel Basketball.” It looked like something that had the potential to be groundbreakingly silly, so I put it on. What I learned immediately is that the best player on Haifa’s professional basketball team is this guy:

His name is Jermaine Jackson. Hahahaha. Israel.

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Guy With 2,747 Toothpicks In His Beard Explains Everything At The End Of Video

There is currently a video going around of a man who inserted a record breaking 2,747 toothpicks in his beard. The first minute and five seconds of the video are just that, a man putting the toothpicks in his beard, and we can charitably give the guy a 6.5 out of 10 for the effort. Where the video gets amazing, however, is just after the one minute five second mark when he very suddenly starts answering every question you could possibly have about what just happened. Most videos on the internet, no matter how short, will usually leave you with a couple of questions. This video leaves you with no fewer than six questions and they are all answered IMMEDIATELY. Ten out of ten for the answer section.

“Jesus, where is this guy from? And who on earth would take the time to shoot this for him? How long was he growing that thing for anyway? Does he still have it? And is this guy at all aware of how intense his accent is as he goes bald?” – You, but don’t worry. You’ll know soon enough.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

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A Few Words On The Extent To Which Chris Brown Is A Complete F*ck

Chris Brown appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America today. After an interview in which he was questioned about the now two year old Rihanna incident, he got angry, broke a window with a chair, took off his shirt (obviously), and stormed out of the studio before his second scheduled performance.

Let us quickly comb through today’s events and examine how they highlight the extent to which Chris Brown is a complete f*ck.

First of all, if you want people to stop asking questions about your violent outbursts, you probably shouldn’t respond to a question about your violent outburst with ANOTHER violent outburst.

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The Kevin Bacon Game, But Harder And With Photos

It’s time to play the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game using photos. It’s a bit different than the movie version. In this version, you start using a picture of Kevin Bacon with another person, and then try to link that person through other pictures back to the original. You, however, cannot use movie posters or still frames from movies. They all have to be real photos. Can we do it?! Let’s see.

We’ll start with this picture of Kevin Bacon with his wife, Kyra Sedgwick, at last night’s Knicks game.

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Yeah, Boyeee! THAT’S How You Recover A NASA Shuttle Rocket Booster!

Oh, snap! Motherf*ckin rocket just bobbin’ in the ocean. NASA be all like, “Tie that sh*t to a BOAT, son!” Haaaaaa! And you know what kind of D this in? H, son. HD!

NASA released footage for the first time ever late last week of a rocket booster being recovered. Now, here’s some educational rap from Ghostface Killah about the cosmos. He also explains evaporation.

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How I Met Your Mother Russia

There are a number of opinions you can have about CBS’s How I Met Your Mother. Maybe you hate it. Maybe you love it. Or maybe it’s your TV McDonald’s equivalent, and you watch it because it’s on, but then you find that you’re ashamed at yourself when it’s over. Well, whatever your feelings are about it, get ready to have those same feelings right now… BUT IN RUSSIAN!

Someone in Russia — off the top of my head, I will guess his name was Anatoly — decided to make a Russian version of How I Met Your Mother. What you will first notice is that Russian versions of TV shows look a whole lot like porn parody versions of TV shows, but with way less sex and way more Russian. The second thing you will notice is that they absolutely nailed it.

If they made some kind of of Shazam type iPhone app that recognized sitcom rhythms instead of songs, it would recognize this as How I Met Your Mother in about two seconds. Good job, Russia.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

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A Very Confusing Windshield Decal

Okay, let’s break this graphic down piece by piece. First, there is an SUV — perhaps the same make and model of the actual car it’s on. Then, resting in an amorphous white space, there is a strawberry being run over by said car. Above it all are the two bits of text: “De Creme” and “Umm You Know You Want It.”

How any of these images or words relate to each other is so far a complete mystery. Is the strawberry leaking cream somehow, like some sort of strawberries and cream dessert? Could that be what the “creme” is referring to? As for the “Umm You Know You Want It,” Do we know we want the strawberry? Or do we know we want the car? Is the “you” perhaps referring to the strawberry as part of a suggestion that the strawberry wants to be run over by the car?

Can anyone figure out what any of this is? All theories are welcome.

Thanks, @AshFrieds