Posts By garfinkn

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World’s Most Expensive iPad Contains World’s Most Poorly Placed Dinosaur Bone

This iPad contains the following things: A 65 Million year old dinosaur bone, about four pounds of 24ct gold, a housing made of 75 million year old rock from Canada, an Apple logo made of 53 individually set gems, and a front button made out of another 8.5ct diamond set in platinum surrounded by twelve other diamonds.

Well, this is hardly an original sentiment about this kind of thing, but let’s express it anyway: F************ck this. Beyond even the normal appalling-waste-of-wealth-reasons, just don’t put a goddamn dinosaur bone in your iPad. You can’t even see it. At least with stuff like the infamous diamond covered bra, you can see the diamonds. Here, the added value of the bone is pointless.  It’s like building a $3 million cable box that is only expensive because it has caviar in its center.

The little girl from the Christian Children’s Fund commercials does not approve.

Read more…

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Supercut: Titular Movie Lines

If a character at any point in a movie says a line that contains the title of that movie, it is automatically the second best part of the movie. The first best part of any movie is, of course, when the sassy supporting character goes, “Oh, helllllll no!” Hahaha. It’s even funny now just typing it.  But we’ll talk about that another time.

You’re about to be shocked at how often the titular line is said while someone walks toward the camera.

For more on titular movie lines, please see this Upright Citizen’s Brigade sketch from their old Comedy Central series.

Also, can someone out there put together a supercut of the “oh, hell no”s? That would really make everyone’s day.

Thanks, Urlesque.

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Kids From The Bully Bodyslam Video Get Interviewed

This is going to go down as the most heavily documented bullying event in history.

Last week, a video of a bully getting bodyslammed by his victim at a school in Australia went viral.  Below is a very comprehensive interview with both Richard Gale, the alleged bully, and Casey Haynes, the alleged slightly larger kid. It’s fascinating. Richard gale doesn’t simply come off as the little sh*t you expect and even want him to be. He’s just seems like a kid who, like every kid at some point, was mean to another kid. He claims that Casey Haynes attacked him first, and while that claim seems rather flimsy, you still feel for him.

The vitriol poured down on him that seemed so satisfying last week seems much harsher this week.

Ahhhh! Being a kid sucks so much. What a panicfest.

Thanks, Reddit.

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The Women 50 Cent Flirts With On Twitter: The Best New Single Concept Tumblr

There is a new single concept Tumblr that just got started yesterday called Fiddy’s Biddies.  It is a collection of tweets from 50 Cent in which he flirts with women followed by the Twitter profile pictures of those women. But how often does he really flirt with women on Twitter? Apparently, really often. And it’s kind of refreshing how indiscriminate he is. They’re all basically like this:

Fiddy! Go to the site. Have a good time. Check out some flirt skilz.

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Let’s All Look At Baby Giant Otters For A Minute

To begin with, giant otters are a real thing. It seems like they aren’t, but they are. They grow to six feet long and 75 pounds. Maybe we’ve all seen one before and thought it was a manatee? Who knows? We’re certainly not going to Google it.

Apparently, it is very hard to make these not-manatees breed in captivity, so these two born at the Zoo Miami represent only the second time a giant otter has ever gotten pregnant and successfully given birth in a US zoo. “Zoo Miami: Where Cute Things Finally F*ck.”

I call the hot one!

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Baby Saying F*ck It: The Most Safe For Work Not-Safe-For-Work Video Ever Recorded

By the traditional definition of NSFW, this video would have to qualify as being Not Safe For Work. But, like… just go ahead and watch this at work with volume up. Like the baby says, f*ck it, man. Nothing bad is going to happen to you — not on this baby’s watch.

This kid zoomed right past Que Sera Sera. She’s very advanced at being chill.

Thanks, Videogum.

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Please For The Love Of God Won’t You Let This Girl Hear You Say “Way-ho”

Let her hear you say “Wayo.” Just say it. What is your goddamn issue? If she’s going to take the time to ask you to say it for over three minutes, you could certainly put forth the minimal effort it would take to let her hear you say it. Girl got her Way-ho sweater on.

Sometimes when you watch a video, you think to yourself, “Wow, if I could somehow show this to somebody in the 15th century, they would be so, so confused about what life has become.” But then there are videos like this where we all might as well be that 15th century person. What the f*ck is this?

Thanks, Reddit.

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Reality TV Knowledge Now A Requirement For The SATs

First of all, for those of you who might not know, the SAT now includes an essay portion. Second of all, one recent version of the test included an essay prompt that contained the following question about reality television: “How authentic can these shows be when producers design challenges for the participants and then editors alter filmed scenes?”

So, now SAT questions can just be based on things people complain about on blogs? Perhaps next year they’ll ask if the end of Lost was bullsh*t or not. “For an ABC show about a loosely constructed world where rules were always a bit hazy, is it okay for the finale to include even more hazy rules and never answer some of the deepest questions posed in the series?”

You have to imagine that some of the kids most pumped to do well on the SAT might be among the least likely to watch and have a serious opinion on reality television. If you have a tiger mom, you’re probably not watching a lot of Real Housewives.

And the whole reality TV vs. actual things tension has special meaning for me because it was the basis of the biggest fight I had with my roommate freshman year of college. It was Tuesday, the night of the 2002 midterm elections, and instead of election coverage, my roommate demanded to watch the new episode of The Real World on MTV. I tried to yell at him about the irony of wanting to watch a show called The Real World instead of coverage of an actual event that would shape the future of the real world, but I lost the argument. I’m still pretty bitter about it.

Best actual quote from a student who was upset about the reality show question: “I ended up talking about Jacob Riis and how any form of media cannot capture reality objectively. I kinda want to cry right now.”

Thanks, The Daily What and New York Times.

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Kyle Puccia’s Cover Of Rebecca Black’s Friday Is Somehow AMAZING

There is a singer songwriter named Kyle Puccia. He did a cover of Friday by Rebecca Black. It’s like some sort of commentary on postmodern commentaries on irony.

Whoops! Kyle Puccia just skipped the Grammys and went straight to winning a Nobel Price. He is the Albert Einstein of Rebecca Black cover song artists.

This is so amazing that you don’t even for a second question the fact that the guy is wearing dog tags. The bar for how amazing a thing has to be before you don’t question dog tags is very high, and Kyle Puccia cleared it with room to spare. I suppose there is the chance that he actually served in the army, but if he has a broad enough character spectrum to have both served in the military and successfully covered an internet meme as a joke, he should already be President.

Thanks, Reddit.

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DISTURBING NIGHTMARE MUSIC VIDEO CHALLENGE: How Much Of This Video Can You Watch?

There is a band called Detroit Grand Pubahs. They made a music video for a song they wrote called Sandwiches. While the video displays many different sandwich components over the course of its running time, it actually has very little to do with sandwiches and much more to do with some sort of bizarre sexual fetish carnival. It’s like a Tim and Eric video if Tim and Eric weren’t funny at all.

Can you watch this whole video? See how long you can make it. Oh, and just a heads up: There is immediately a dwarf in a tuxedo holding enormous pickles. Good luck!

So? Are you okay? How’d you do?

Obviously this was found on Space Ghetto which, as always, I will not link to because it is terrifying and I don’t want to get sued by all of your parents.

And, yes, this video was made roughly 11 years ago, but if you’ve already seen it, you’re really the one with the problem.