Posts By garfinkn

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This Dog Cost $1.6 Million

A coal baron from Northern China bought an eleven month old red Tibetan Mastiff for ten million yuan ( just over one and a half million dollars). “I will give you ten million yuan for one lifetime with your puppy.” – Chinese Coal Baron to dog breeder.

It’s strange to think of a dog as “expensive,” but that is a really expensive dog. And you know that within three days, that coal baron is gonna be all like, “我倾斜相信I被支付十百万元那的事在我的地毯的粪!” (I can’t believe a paid ten million yuan for a thing that sh*t on my carpet.”)

Also the dog’s name is Big Splash.  According to multiple reports, that name translates in Chinese to “Hong Dong” which is scarily similar to what a racist person would guess that translates to.

Thanks, Huffpost Green Section, although I’m not sure what this has to do with the environment.

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An Embarassing Situation At The Donald Trump Roast

This YouTube clip has all the hallmarks of a video that will be removed from the internet very soon, so watch it while you can. It’s a video of The Situation from MTV’s Jersey Shore performing on the Comedy Central celebrity roast of Donald Trump. His jokes go over very poorly.

Hahaha, who wrote those jokes? The Situation? Ohhhhh, wait, that makes sense.

Thanks, The Daily What.

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A Slightly Less Vampirey But Much More Gay Twilight

The following trailer is for a movie called Vampire Boys.

Here is what the director’s letter to potential investors probably read like.

“Greetings, potential investors. I would like you offer you an exciting opportunity to get involved in the movie making business. What we are setting out to do here is revolution the way film is experienced. With our team of actors and presumably non-union crew members, we hope to take all the elements of the Twilight series and reassemble them into a more static, selfconsciously acted hunk of  saccharine Gothic gayness. With your help, we can make this a reality.”

You’re going to have so much fun realizing this isn’t fake.

Thank you again, Videogum.

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Best Holes Of All Time Video Is Literally About The Best Holes

You can’t help it. You see that there’s a video called Best Holes Of All Time and you assume it’s going to be something crass. It’s not, though. The Best Holes of All Time is literally and unapologetically about actual holes — specifically the best holes. I know it’s hard right now to imagine what could possibly constitute a “good” hole, but I promise that at least one time while watching this video you will say to yourself, “Wow, that is a really good hole.”

Well…. Pretty good holes, right! If you would like to share which was your favorite hole, please feel free to do so. If you think that’s a little too personal, that’s cool too.

Thanks, Reddit.

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The British Version Of Big Cardboard Checks Is So Lame

This is a picture of Hugh Grant at South Bank in London with a woman named Dr. Ann McPherson who founded a charity called Health Talk Online. They were posing together at a celebration for the 10th anniversary of the foundation. But it totally looks like she just won some kind of low budget British sweepstakes where they give her a huge cardboard coin redeemable for a single pound.

Picture from Splash.

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Gilbert Gottfried Fired From Job As Aflac Duck Voice

You might have known both, one, or niether of the following two things. 1.) Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of the Aflac Duck. 2.) Gilbert Gottfried really likes to Tweet earthquake and tsunami jokes about Japan immediately after Japan suffers from earthquakes and tsunamis. It turns out the second thing made it so the first thing isn’t true anymore.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Aflac Inc. has severed ties with comic Gilbert Gottfried, the longtime voice of the insurer’s duck mascot, after he made a series of crude jokes about the Japan earthquake and tsunami via Twitter.

“Gilbert’s recent comments about the crisis in Japan were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac,” Aflac Senior Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer Michael Zuna said in a statement Monday, reports TMZ. “There is no place for anything but compassion and concern during these difficult times.”


In case you were wondering what the Tweets were, they were all along these lines:


I was going to explain a whole thing here about why Gilbert Gottfriend shouldn’t have been fired, but then this following Gchat conversation happened when another blogger messaged me. This is a verbatim transcript. (Punctuation has been corrected.)


Other Blogger:  So, I wrote a thing about Gottfried getting fired from Aflac for making sh*tty Japan jokes, and my take is yes, he should have shown better judgment and not made those jokes, but Aflac can’t hire an infamously raunchy roast comic and then fire him for being an infamously raunchy roast comic. Does that make sense?

Me:  Uhhhhh, yes. And I was literally writing that same post.

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A Brief History Of Movie Title Sequences — Shut Up, It’s Interesting

For South by Southwest, a guy named Ian Albinson put together a montage of movie title sequences starting from 1916 and ending with present day films. This whole thing is really great and is going to make you want to watch movies right now. You’re probably going to end up watching your Netflix Instant Queue at work later today. That’s fine. I’ll write a note to your boss so you don’t get fired (I have a lot of pull with your boss!).

A Brief History of Title Design-

A Brief History of Title Design from Ian Albinson on Vimeo.

Thanks, The High Definite.

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A Snake Bit A Model’s Fake Breast And Then Died

The Daily News Reported yesterday afternoon that a snake that had bitten Israeli model Orit Fox‘s fake breast has now died of silicon poisoning. (The guy in the picture is a guy, not the snake.)

Orit Fox‘s attempt at seductive posing with a massive boa took a bizarre turn when the snake bit one of the Israeli B-Lister’s surgically enhanced breasts in the middle of a shoot for a Tel Aviv radio station, ABC of Spain reported. All was going well for the silicone-addicted Fox until she tried to ramp up the sex factor by licking the snake. The move proved costly as she loosened her grip on the reptile, which went straight for the model’s left breast implant and latched onto it for several seconds before being pulled off by an assistant. Fox was rushed to a local hospital, where she was given a tetanus shot. According to several media sources, the snake wasn’t so lucky and died of silicone poisoning.

The video below shows the snake biting her. But what we really should get into here is not the micro-issue of a snake biting an implant. We should instead explore the macro-issue that is this question: Why was any of this even happening in the first place?

Who wants a real snake and a plastic looking lady? This is such a lazy approximation of sex appeal it’s astounding. It’s as if aliens put this scene together for us based on one clip from Wayne’s World and a claymation remake of a Baywatch episode. “Am I right, you guys?!” the Aliens would say collectively, seeking approval for their creation. “No. Good God, no,” The people of earth would respond as one.

Go ahead. Watch the snake bite her. It’s the only thing left to do before we all get taken up to the weird alien strip club mother ship.

Read more…

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1988 Middle School Rap Video Still Great In 2011

Most people can probably remember some great moments from their middle school assemblies. My two favorite middle school assembly moments were both from student council presidential election speeches. One year, Kelly put on a yellow smiley face tee shirt and, in lieu of a speech, sang to the tune of The Monkees’ Daydream Believer that she was going to finally get our school some vending machines (she actually won, and she actually got them — it was very impressive). And then there was Justin who, with all the gravitas he could muster, proclaimed that his ideas could not be tidily put into a pre-written speech. He held his print-out in front of us, crumpled it into ball, and discarded it to stage right. He then proceeded to read from another print-out on the podium (he did not win).

It would be difficult for me to say with any certainty what anyone else from my school remembers as the best assembly moment, but I can say with confidence that if you went to Lexington Junior High in Lexington, Kentucky in 1988, this is absolutely your favorite memory.

Thanks, Videogum.

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The Bully Bodyslam: A Frank Discussion

Perhaps the saddest permutation of bullying is when a kid gets physically attacked by a smaller kid and doesn’t fight back — when the kid being bullied has the needed strength and power to successfully respond, but does not. It’s as if the child has such a distorted and negative view of himself that he can’t see that he is capable of ending his own torment.

This following video has become viral today and deservedly so. It captures the exact moment a larger kid stops accepting bullying as a reality and realizes that he doesn’t have to take abuse from anyone, much less someone who is a tiny little assh*le. Both of the kids in this video will remember this moment for the rest of their lives. One will remember it as the moment that he found it in himself to take destiny into his own hands, and the other will remember it as the time he stumbled around punch drunk after being dropped RIGHT ON HIS CHILDHOOD FACE.

This video captures the kind of triumph that is only possible during youth. It is rare as an adult to have an epiphany, much less one that can be so immediately put to use. “Wait a minute… what the hell are we even talking about here? I am enormously strong.” – This Kid. And a quick warning: The video is kind of intense.

You don’t normally root for the bigger kid, but this is perfect. It’s like that scene in the remake of The Karate Kid where Jackie Chan beats up a gang of 11 year olds and your’e totally on Jackie Chan’s side. (Yes, that actually happens in a movie that is legal to watch.)

Also, for the record, the bodyslammed kid was okay. So, let’s all relax.

Thanks, Towleroad.