For some, high school is a nightmare, a time filled with anxiety, dread, and the unyielding awkwardness that is adolescent skin care. For others, it was the best time of their lives
and then they became townies, got jobs at banks, and seemingly lost any and all ambition to do something else, at least that’s what their Facebook walls suggest, and it makes you depressed.
“To God be the glory.”
So said Oprah on the final day of her talk show. And, like Oprah, I’m leaving, too (although I don’t know what that quote is from, but it reminds me of “Stomp” by Kirk Franklin, which is always welcome). After months of writing for a blog that initially single-handedly paved the way for hilarious, irreverent, intelligent pop cultural commentary, I, too, am leaving to spend more time with Gayle.
Hopefully, you thought I was funny! At worst, I think some people thought I was a left-wing propagandist or something, because sometimes I took issue with famous people who I think are bad for our culture, but as any Real Housewife would say, “That’s just me and I won’t change for anybody. NOBODY can tell me what to do!” She’d also probably say, “HOW DARE YOU JUST SHOW UP LATE TO THE LAUNCH PARTY FOR MY LINE OF LUXURY ADULT DIAPERS!” And I would also DEFINITELY say that.
Big thanks to Michelle and Dan, who made BWE a blast, and to Mark and Matt, as well. And Photoshop GENIUSES Pete Schultz and Lauren Deiman. #VERYGOODPEOPLE
Anyway, if you’d like to keep up with me, I’ll be the newly minted Asst. Editor at New York Magazine’s pop culture hub, Vulture. And I blog on Tumblr. I only use Twitter to get updates on Danny DeVito, but I’m on it. And I made into a blog into a book that your mom might like.
Also, Gayle says hi!
So somebody got a tattoo with cursive and butterflies, and it’s apparently in homage to Ashton Kutcher of That 70’s Show and Twitter. It says “Ashton Kutcher i love you love is forever fan love you,” which might have been something lost in translation? Because those words don’t make sense together, but you just do, person.
Like you, I was initially baffled at how somebody could permanently etch some nonsense about the guy from Dude, Where’s My Car? into her skin. But then I remembered that, oh yeah, I have the face of Bea Arthur eternally plastered onto my left bicep. So joke’s on me, but not really because my tattoo is beautiful (and contains not a trace of irony, which is evident by my DVR, which is 99% Golden Girls, 1% House Hunters)! In fact, it’s the 25th 25 Most Hardcore Celebrity Tattoo on our list of …wait for it… 25 Hardcore Celebrity Tattoos.
25. Bea Arthur
Kiernan Shipka is moderately terrifying on Mad Men as the stubborn, tantrum-prone trouble child, Sally Draper. Give her an Emmy because, man oh man, she is good. Effective, to say the least.
In real life, she’s less scary because she’s pretty funny, as it turns out. She shot a Funny Or Die sketch in which she plays a child psychologist, much like the one(s) who charge the Drapers BANK to help pacify their li’l monster. And Danielle Fishel (Topanga) makes a cameo, which is awesome. And, um, also Eden Wood (making it the third day in a row I’ve posted about a pageant queen, so #shameonme).
Wednesday night was another snoozeworthy Republican debate. Things are, uh, not too good, considering the guy in the running for the job’s political experience is slinging pizza. PIZZA FOR PRESIDENT! (No, seriously, PIZZA for president! Occupy Pizza Street!)
If you’ll remember, Michelle Bachmann, at one point, was someone people were freaking out about because HOLY MOLY is she nuts!!! Anyway, she’s still around, although you wouldn’t really know it by the looks of things. See, moderator Anderson Cooper didn’t seem to acknowledge the poor lady every time she spoke up, calling his name to no avail. Luckily, someone spliced all the footage together and, boy oh boy, is she annoying!
Well, here’s a weird ratings ploy: Rosie O’Donnell, whose new talk show is now alive on OWN (Oprah’s network), invited The Big O back to her old stomping grounds in Chicago, where she introduced Rosie to tequila shots. Apparently, Oprah loves tequila shots almost as Rosie likes Ho Ho’s (no, seriously, she used to have her staff plant Ho Ho’s and milk cartons underneath the seats for her audience).
So, yeah, this is, uh, those two people knocking back tequila shots, which Rosie apparently has never done before. You know where this goes: first Oprah shows Rosie how to do shots, then Gayle introduces whippets, and everything just goes to sh*t.
We all love Beyonce for many reasons. She’s a great singer. She’s a great dancer. She’s even a good actress! Bey is an all-around, consummate entertainer who has proved her worth time and time again, painting herself as a modern day Diana Ross.
So, naturally, superfans attend her shows in droves, lining up to get an up-close look at the goddess herself. But that doesn’t mean it’s always appropriate for Bey to hand over the microphone, as you never quite know what you’re going to get. Case and point:
Last month, American solider Randy Phillips made the brave move to log onto YouTube and record a video of himself coming out to his dad over the phone, in the spirit of celebrating the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Whatever your politics may be, it’s got to be moving to see somebody free themselves from the shackles of repression in front of your very eyes (and, luckily, Dad’s pretty cool with it) (Mom, ehhh, not so much). To see someone suddenly become truly happy is an astounding sight, and, yes, I know I sound like Oprah right now, but #whatever. LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!!!
But at what point does catharsis become oversharing? Answer: when the pizza delivery guy gets involved. (GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GAY GUTTER!)
Toddlers & Tiaras BREAKOUT STAR (good title!) Eden Wood is ironically beloved by the denizens of adults who trape through every corner of the internet for pieces of nonsense that make your lunch break a little bit more fun. Something like, I dunno, Eden Wood in a kinda fake ad campaign? Or Eden Wood’s slowed-down, almost drunk-ish performance on The Talk?
Or a blessed new discovery by BWE buddy Lindsay Robertson, who points out that this terrifying Glamour Shot of Ms. Wood would make a “perfect” housewarming gift for people you don’t want to ever invite you back to their home again. Take it in:
It’s gonna be a good day.
Slacktory editor Nick Douglas wants you to know how to carve a pumpkin, since it is pumpkin season, after all.
Things you’ll need: pumpkin, knife, and patience. And maybe some stencils, a candle, and
MIND-NUMBING BOOZE a WHOLE BUNCHA LOVE.
And for good measure, go ahead and blow a cool G at Talbots for a top-of-the-line Missy-sized autumnal sweater, but make sure it’s the one with the barrels-of-hay-shaped buttons and ghost pins. Otherwise, you’ll be wasting a lot of money that you could have spent on
MIND-NUMBING BOOZE candy!