The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 is coming out next month, and we couldn’t be more excited*. More vampires? More werewolves? More of ALL THAT STUFF? Bring it on, Twilight.
Some new stills from the movie hit the net, giving us plenty of leg room to predict what’s going to happen in the next installment:
JACOB STILL NOT UGLY
THEY’RE GONNA HAVE SEX, BUT NOT WITHOUT PLAYING OUT EVERY FOREPLAY SCENE IN A MEG RYAN MOVIE
A hundred years ago, when people were calculating what Bill Clinton‘s post-presidential moves would be, a lot of people predicted he would become a Big Time Movie Producer. (A lot of people also predicted he would be a KINGPIN OF PORN, but all those people [read: me] grew up.)
So he’s moved into philanthropy and acting as The Good Wife to Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton, even though he’s the one who paved the way for Spitzer with those iconic, disgusting cigar-themed antics.
Nevertheless, ALL THE FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE WORLD have come out in support of Bill, which is evident in 2011 by a Funny Or Die video because that’s just #howthingsworknow. SPACEY FOR PRESIDENT [CLINTON]!
Are you environmentally conscious? Are you minimizing your carbon footprint? Do you wear sustainable shoes that benefit impoverished children and also do you eat gluten-free things even though you aren’t necessarily allergic to gluten? Then GOOD ON YOU. Seriously, thank you for trying to make this world a better place, because heaven knows the rest of us are still selfish jerks when it comes to that stuff.
But, yes, we should all recycle. Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein of the soon-to-return Portlandia remind us that recycling is, like, Etsy-level hip.
Love him or hate him, Zach Braff has totally optimized his Twitter following, posting a picture of himself “screwing a fan.”
Golf claps, Zach Braff. You did it.
[Twitter via Buzzfeed]
The existence of Jersey Shore is puzzling to many people, only because one would think that the novelty of East Coast “guidos and guidettes” might have worn off by now. But, no, people continue to eat up the finely-produced adventures of Shnooky, Jwho?, Michael Situation, and Deena DeVito as they binge drink, speak English poorly, and do everything in their power to decimate the image of the Italian American.
Consider Kathie Lee Gifford, resident crankypants, who had the gaul — THE GAUL! — to say in front of DeVito and Sammi Sweet Tarts that she can’t tell the cast members apart and that, basically, who cares about these people and why are they on her show?
Cut Harry Belafonte a break, you guys. He’s 84 years old, a living legend for his work in film and music and as an activist. And he’s about to be the focus of an HBO biopic and a new autobiography, so when he does interview junkets all day long, he’s bound to get tired and close his eyes for a moment because, you know what? He’s tired! He’s lived for eight decades! Leave him alone! You’d be exhausted, too!
But, man, the control room is probably a mess right now. You just do you, Belafonte! Daylight come and you wanna take a NAP! YOU DESERVE IT!
Crazy how not-alive he looks, right? Who knew Harry Belafonte slept in “coffin” position? #themoreyouknow
Going viral right now? Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses, a Tumblr dedicated to pictures enhanced by faces from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise, in which tiny Raphaels, Michaelangelos, and even Bebops are sketched onto the noses of famous human people like Justin Bieber, Jennifer Lopez, and (my persona favorite) soul singer Ledisi.
So, yeah, it’s pretty important, considering the fact that a photo of Lil Wayne as a baby but with tattoos and piercings on his face, as well as a Ninja Turtle on his nose, is your next tattoo, naturally.
If we took a time machine back to 2001, what do you think you would say if someone told you that, in ten years, we’d be spending A LOT of time “liking other people’s statuses”? You’d probably be like, “That’s weird.” (You’d also probably say, “This time machine is amazing!”)
It’s a strange phenomenon, this Facebook, and how it’s changed our lives. In terms of “building an online presence,” we’ve gone from Away Messages to Friendster profiles to Top 8 Friends to Status Updates to incessant Tweets. And, considering that Facebook isn’t about to go the way of MySpace anytime soon, you should listen to this guy remind us just how weirdly narcissistic we’ve become, and also how dumb it is to hear someone say “L.M.S.” aloud (and, worse, to know what it means).
[via Matt Cherette]
Enough with the rich, fabulous, and classy! SHOW US REAL HOUSEWIVES!
Well, considering that’s never going to happen (nor is the portrayal of actual classy women because, hi, have you seen these shows?), the second best we could ever hope for is a pitch-perfect satire on YouTube, which we receive in the form of The Real Housewives Of South Boston. Anyone familiar with life in and around Beantown can surely identify with the things that occupy these ladies lives: ciggies, big hair, and Marky Mark. And fights. Lots and lots of fights.
Actually, that sounds just like every other Housewives franchise.
Eden Wood proved herself to be THE BREAKOUT STAR of TLC’s
pedobait circus child beauty pageant parade Toddlers & Tiaras, especially when she KILLED IT on The Talk (inadvertently alerting people that The Talk is a thing). Sorry, we meant she killed it in the slowed-down version that went viral.
Anyway, now she’s a real model for a fake ad. See, the folks at W Magazine love a good joke, so they enlisted photographer to “shoot nine advertisements for fake products and sprinkle them in with the real ads,” which may or not be confusing, if you’re as dumb as me.
But it’s funny because Eden Wood is wearing Marchesa, and I’m told that’s more expensive than my favorite designer, Larc Yacobs (he designs exclusively for Dress Barn and TJ Maxx, so you probably don’t know him?).
[W via Jezebel]