Posts By glazere

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Toddlers And Tiaras Breakout Star Eden Wood Is Now A Model, But Not Really

Eden Wood proved herself to be THE BREAKOUT STAR of TLC’s pedobait circus child beauty pageant parade Toddlers & Tiaras, especially when she KILLED IT on The Talk (inadvertently alerting people that The Talk is a thing). Sorry, we meant she killed it in the slowed-down version that went viral.

Anyway, now she’s a real model for a fake ad. See, the folks at W Magazine love a good joke, so they enlisted photographer to “shoot nine advertisements for fake products and sprinkle them in with the real ads,” which may or not be confusing, if you’re as dumb as me.

But it’s funny because Eden Wood is wearing Marchesa, and I’m told that’s more expensive than my favorite designer, Larc Yacobs (he designs exclusively for Dress Barn and TJ Maxx, so you probably don’t know him?).

[W via Jezebel]

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Photos Of People Weirded Out By Guy Fieri, Who Is Allegedly “Weirded Out” By Gay People

A former producer of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives says its host (and Human Devil) Guy Fieri has come out railing against the second winner of The Next Food Network Star, alleging the following:

“You have to protect Guy from all of his poop jokes. Anytime any woman mentioned ‘cream,’ Guy went into a sexual riff. When cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy’s eye line, because it’s always on breasts.”

Fieri also needed protection from homosexuals, or at least advance warning. Early in the show’s run, Page got a phone call from Fieri, who’d just walked out of a restaurant in a huff.

“Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners,” Page remembers. “He said, ‘You can’t send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!’”

Man, if that’s true? Gross. Is it true? Fieri says that parts of the article include “total fabrications,” but, like, look at the guy. Can you see him? Can you actually see what he looks like? Rumor has it that one out of every twenty viewers who watch Guy Fieri on TV claim they’ve taken a time machine back to 1998, when spiked and gelled frosted tips, wrap-around sunglasses, and Smash Mouth were all socially acceptable. So it’s hard to say what is and isn’t real about the guy.

Nevertheless, we found some great pictures of other people being weirded out by Guy Fieri:

Rachael Ray

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Danielle Staub Attends Bitch Party

On Sunday afternoon, dog owners and enthusiasts in New Jersey gathered in Hoboken for the Liberty Humane Society’s eighth annual “Bark in the Park” charity walk. Former Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub brought her signature threatening stare and Joker-face smile to the festivities, where she was accompanied by her daughters and their personal bitches, chihuahuas Sasha and Paradise.

Why, who did you think we were talking about?

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Introducing Grandma Mushmouth, Farmer’s Daughter And Internet Icon

One YouTube commenter gave it his best shot at translating whatever is being spoken by 107-year-old Ella Ellagard,who was on the news talking about something or other, but who cares because WOW, THIS LADY!!!

Oh, I milked cows! I milked 8 cows every night and morning. Get up in the morning at five o’clock and give ‘em light, and my dad, he’d go back in and get an old pail for the eggs.

Don’t take our word for it, though. Just take a listen and see if Grandma Mushmouth (as she’s being called across the vast internet) is actually talking about working on a farm or, like, being abducted by aliens. Or yarn. Or bananas. Could be anything, really.

 

[via Matt Cherette]

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Drake Is Proud Of Oprah, Tyra, And Basically Everyone

Drake has a new album coming out next month. It’s called Take Care.

It doesn’t really matter how you feel about Drake. You’ve got to hand it to the guy: he knows how to market an album in 2011. In an age of social media “gurus” and ghost tweeters (gross!), Drake figured out a very clever way to get famous people to pay attention to him. In the spirit of the upcoming single, “Make Me Proud” — the chorus of which has him chanting “I’m so proud of you” — he Tweeted the very same line to A LOT of important, relevant, famous women, like Oprah, Serena Williams, and Taylor Swift. And Gayle King. And…Ellen Page? And Kat Dennings? Okay, sure!

For the record, Kat replied.

[via The Knoblr]

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Lady Gaga Unleashes Her Inner Marilyn Monroe On Bill Clinton

This past weekend, Yahoo! broadcast the “Decade of Difference” concert, celebrating ten years of Bill Clinton‘s foundation, the Clinton Foundation. Attendees included Bono, Stevie Wonder, and Usher, but the gal who stole the night was, as usual, Lady Gaga.

Before singing “Bad Romance” — which she dubbed “Bill Romance,” because, y’know, letters — she told the crowd, “I’m having my first real Marilyn [Monroe] moment,” which President Bill Clinton later confided made him think he would “have a heart attack for [his] 65th birthday.”

To which Hillary added, “Wait until I tell him Gaga’s babysitter was once Monica Lewinsky!”

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So You Think You Know Everything About The Fresh Prince?

EVERYBODY thinks s/he knows the ins and outs of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air. Sure, you can recite the theme song backwards. Sure, you can distinctly recall there being two Aunt Vivs. Sure, you are well aware that the butler was gay. What? That’s not confirmed? He just sounded gay, maybe British? Got it, got it, got it. Sorry, Geoffrey.

Also amazing: “The Carlton Dance” was set to Tom Jones, but it was based on Courtney Cox in Bruce Springsteen‘s “Dancing In The Dark” video, which is somehow even MORE White!

And, uh, did you recognize Will’s cab driver during the opening theme? Because, wow, it’s actually someone very famous (hint: his name rhymes with “Shwincy Bones”). Six more thing you never knew about The Fresh Prince after the jump!

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Do You Miss Steve Jobs Enough To Get Him Shaved Into Your Cranium?

Someone visited an Apple Store in New York and made it very clear how much he missed Steve Jobs, the iconic tech god behind all the surrounding products. In fact, dude got Steve Jobs’s face shaved into his head with the phrase, “Be different, Think Different.”


So this is what they mean when they say you’re getting a “geek boner,” right?

(Also, no one says that.)

[via Kyle Supley]

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Kirk Cameron’s Sad, Meaty Birthday

When one reads about a celebrity birthday bash, it usually sounds like quite an ostentatious affair in which the rich and fabulous take over some club in New York, L.A., or Vegas named, like, PHYRE or NITEBOOM or something. There’s top-notch bottle service, a very strict guest list, and some skank/douchebag always ends up dancing on tables a couple hours into the night, usually Rumer Willis or Andy Dick.

Kirk Cameron, on the other hand, prefers a quieter, more depressing affair.

Looks like a blast. Sandwiches? Half a bottle of juice? CONDIMENTS? Let’s get this party started!

This lady knows what we’re talking about:

Although, in Kirk’s defense, he is pretty busy making CREEPY RELIGIOUS VIDEOS.

[via Buzzfeed]

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Retirement Looks Fun, Except For Rosie The Bulldog

All you need to know is that the title of this YouTube video reads: “My crazy parents singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to their dog!”

Just going out on a limb here, but we’re going to wisely assume that whomever posted this video (let’s call her “Melissa”) has recently — in the past six or seven years — really settled into life, putting down a mortgage and helping nurture her kids through the awkward years. Melissa and her husband, Rich, both maintain full-time jobs, but in between work, the kids, keeping a moderately clean house, and trying to get out once every seven months or so, she really does make an effort to stay in touch with her parents, Vic and Louise. Sure, they live moderately close, but you know how life gets. Things just happen. Karate, lacrosse, gymnastics, blah blah blah… Nevertheless, Melissa loves her folks very much, and they’re wonderful grandparents! But lately, retirement seems to have really taken a strange turn for the lovebirds. Either they’ve gone a bit stir crazy, or…well, no, that’s definitely it. The long, lazy days of golf, water aerobics, and Early Bird Specials has really taken its toll, and, although they’ve always loved their bulldog, Rosie, it’s just gotten…out of hand, to say the least:

 

As always, a big thanks to YouTube for letting us imagine completely false things about imaginary people. See you next time!

[via Say OMG]