What would we do without NMA, the Taiwanese team that turns big weird headlines into bigger, weirder animated videos about as technologically advanced as Peter Gabriel‘s video for “Steam” (love you, Petey Gabes!)? We certainly wouldn’t have a slightly better retelling of the awful mom who apparently lied about feeding Botox into her kid’s head for beauty pageants. See, in this scenario, Britney Campbell actually has a switch in her back, which her mama turns when she wants her to “perform lies.”
Plus, if we had a machine that could detect whether someone had Botox like they were walking through a scanner at an airport, we’d line up all the Real Housewives and get to business. Good thinking, NMA!
— Eliot Glazer
Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s “alleged longtime mistress” Gigi Goyette was pictured outside of her Malibu home on Monday. The former child actress claims she was only 16 when their affair (which ended in 1996) began, and that two days before Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy for Governor of California, she signed a confidentiality agreement to keep mum on the subject in exchange for dollah bill$, y’all.
Here are other “alleged” facts about Gigi Goyette (that we completely made up):
- She has the best name of the best French whore Muppet we’ve never met
- Her entire wardrobe is comprised of leftovers from the set of Dream‘s music video for “He Loves U Not“
- Her tummy tattoo is probably of Tweety Bird wearing a cap backwards, and saying “Keep your twap shut!”
Diane Keaton Chyna Doll is her hero
- She “raises the roof” every time she cashes a receives a ten dollar residual check from Little House On The Prairie
- She got “this close” in making it into the cast of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills
- She knows Joyce Leslie personally
- By the end of the year, she will know Dr. Drew personally
- She would “totally take down” Maria Shriver in an arm-wrestling match
- She’s seen Junior “like, a million times”
- There’s a dead body in that trunk
[via Splash News Online]
— Eliot Glazer
Tweeting is the new talking, you guys, by which we mean using Twitter is a means to an end if you like to yell things. Now, “Big Business” has taken notice and rolled out corporate Twitter accounts, finally giving voices to the dog food, pizza, and lady douche kits that have, for so long, kept quiet.
So let’s talk to corporate brands! It’s only a few days old, but the blog Dumb Tweets At Brands captures perfectly the essence of the stupidity of Twitter, and why it’s important to threaten physical violence against Sam (of Sam’s Club).
Two teachers from Clinton Avenue Elementary in New Haven, Connecticut are being investigated for something. Something bad, probably. What exactly, we’re not sure, and we’re just going to pretend we don’t know what Google is.
Reporter Erica Grow should have been able to tell us, but “it’s a lot to remember,” so DEAL WITH IT.
[via The Daily What]
– Eliot Glazer
If you haven’t been watching the web series Broad City, you’ve been missing out. Sure, everyone talked about Bridesmaids as if its success would signal the beginning or end of women in comedy being relevant, but it’s easy to forget that smart girls who poop also exist on the internet.
Abbi and Ilana* are two young gals in the big city on whom Sex And The City is completely lost, since they prefer beer and riding the subway to Cosmos and …acting as if the subway doesn’t exist. In fact, their priorities are a lot different than Carrie Bradshaw’s (cookies > Manolos), and Amy Poehler agrees.
Ti**ybumping: it’s for everyone now.
*My sister, NBD.
— Eliot Glazer
When you blog for a living, weekends are usually considered blessed days during which you can get away from Katy Perry, Real Housewives and brilliant cats. But sometimes, when you’re like me, your inbox still gets bombarded with majorly weird e-mails that make zero sense whatsoever. And this was one of those weekends.
With a subject reading: “Aryelle El Thessa – The Great Perfect Example of Ali Jammal / El Shaklan with Extreme Type” I had noooooo ideeeeea what I was reading, but, y’know, HORSES! (These are horses, right?) (Why do they look so upset?)
More WTF after the jump:
We thought that talking like a slutty baby was exclusive to kinda-rapper/maybe-singer/autobot Ke$ha, whose girly warbling cornered the market when it comes to talking like a grown-up, sassy toddler going all “come hither.”
But video from Lady Gaga‘s fashion shoot for V Magazine Japan has surfaced, and Gaga goes all goo goo, putting on that weird whisper that could easily be blamed on the time of the day (personally, I sound like Bea Arthur in the morning) (and you don’t hear me complaining).
In fact, at the tail-end of the video, you’ll even hear some lady say, “Aw, isn’t she sweet?” as if Gagz just peed her metallic, rhinestone-encrusted diaper, which simply sends us over the edge [of glory] (psyche!).
— Eliot Glazer
Of all people from whom you would never expect a sense of humor, semi-famous professional Real Housewife of Atlanta Nene Leakes tops the list. But Ellen Degeneres has somehow shaken some sense into the 7’4″ terrifying Celebrity Apprentice dropout, and coaxed her into appearing in a funny sketch in which she’s actually funny, displaying an unexpected load of self-parody.
Next up: Camille Grammer doing kabuki theater for Funny Or Die? Anything is possible!
[via The Real OC 2 NYC]
– Eliot Glazer
Fact: I’ve never watched Top Chef (but I’m sure it’s great).
Fact: I do not have genitalia that I could realistically refer to as a “fish taco.”
Fact: Sam Talbot, former Top Chef contestant and head chef at New York restaurant Imperial No. Nine, is really good at eating fish tacos, evident in the way he wraps his succulent lips around them in this Daily Candy video tutorial. If you care about food, you should know that he uses halibut and a lot of lemon juice
yeah yeah yeah take off your shirt already!
If you want the recipe, click here. If you want to watch someone really handsome cook food, click on the video below:
“Everybody’s connected to outer space today.” – Joann A. re: texting
Local news affiliates try very hard to come up with exciting features for their shows and newscasts, but nothing comes close to New York’s Fox 5, who have very wisely tapped a Brooklyn dweller named Joann to head up a series of videos called “City Rant.” Also called “The Real Housewife of Bensonhurst,” Joann A. is a wife, mother, and one of the funniest ladies we’ve ever had the pleasure of watching. Her complaints about parking wars, overpriced groceries, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s d*ck are genuinely hilarious, and a welcome reminder that, for most people with real bills, living in New York is nothing like what you’ve seen on extended pipe dreams like Sex And The City or The Real Housewives Of New York City (i.e. when you pay a bloated electricity bill, chances are you aren’t spending most of your time launching lines of designer Silly Bandz and attending auctions benefiting paper cut awareness).
Andy Cohen, if you really want to give a mouthy, ethnic broad a show, Joann A. is your lady. Teresa Guidice only wishes she were this funny.
See more Joann here!
— Eliot Glazer