Posts By glazere

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America, Meet The Real Housewife Of Bensonhurst, Brooklyn

“Everybody’s connected to outer space today.” – Joann A. re: texting

Local news affiliates try very hard to come up with exciting features for their shows and newscasts, but nothing comes close to New York’s Fox 5, who have very wisely tapped a Brooklyn dweller named Joann to head up a series of videos called “City Rant.” Also called “The Real Housewife of Bensonhurst,” Joann A. is a wife, mother, and one of the funniest ladies we’ve ever had the pleasure of watching. Her complaints about parking wars, overpriced groceries, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s d*ck are genuinely hilarious, and a welcome reminder that, for most people with real bills, living in New York is nothing like what you’ve seen on extended pipe dreams like Sex And The City or The Real Housewives Of New York City (i.e. when you pay a bloated electricity bill, chances are you aren’t spending most of your time launching lines of designer Silly Bandz and attending auctions benefiting paper cut awareness).

Andy Cohen, if you really want to give a mouthy, ethnic broad a show, Joann A. is your lady. Teresa Guidice only wishes she were this funny.

See more Joann here!

– Eliot Glazer

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Dog Likes Peanut Butter Too Much, Methinks

Things that are bad for dogs: grapes, onions, and chocolate.

Things that are okay for dogs that dogs usually love: peanut butter, cheese, and carrots.

Things that are okay for dogs but not necessarily when they could possibly suffocate, unless I’m out of line here (which I very well may be, but that’s because I’m obsessed with my dog and it cost $1,500 when he swallowed sugarless gum) (suggestion: do not leave sugarless gum out if you have a dog): jars of peanut butter on their heads.

– Eliot Glazer

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Ke$ha Is Kidz Bop


We never really stopped to think about it, but exactly who goes to a Ke$ha concert? It’s an appropriate question, right? Her music is essentially computer-generated dance pop that tries to embody a sort of extraterrestrial hipster vibe, although it all boils down to being silly, radio-friendly nursery rhymes that, like Kashi Keisha Ke$ha herself, are vaguely annoying.

So who is shelling out actual currency to see her perform live? Because it appears that people really are paying money to watch K’ue$t Que C’e$t Ke$ha warble into a microphone, upon which the sound is then digested by a computer to sound purely robotic. Who would pay Earth Cash to see that happen?

Answer: MOMS AND DADS! Yup, the baffling answer to the question is that children are going to see Ke$ha put on “baby slut voice” when chirping about drinking whiskey for breakfast. These pictures from Cobrasnake (via Hipster Runoff) prove it, and now we’re even more worried for America’s youth. If you thought Facebook was robbing our kids of their innocence, witness children wearing socks on their arms and glitter on their eyes. SAVE THE BABIES!

Read more…

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Locomotive Curt: Your 2011 Summer Jam

Early apologies to Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Kanye West. These major players may have thought they would have the summer jams of 2011 down on lock with their respective albums, but it’s high time they make way for a newbie. Locomotive Curt is a mix of Rebecca Black, Afroman, and Weird Al (not bad!).

He is, indeed, a child, and he and his friends do a lot of walking on railroad tracks and cul de sacs in (“railroad tracks and cul culs de sacs”: SWEET RHYME! YOU CAN USE THAT, LOCOMOTIVE CURT!). But you probably did the same thing, and your time would likely have been spent a lot more wisely if you, too, had YouTube when you were young and confused about stuff, but had a remarkably savvy take on musical parody.

[via Holy Loly]

– Eliot Glazer

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We Expected More From Caroline Manzo

The Real Housewives are terrible people. They just are. It’s a law of nature. But if any of them are to be commended for being something less than reprehensible (because they’re basically mean, trite, and obsessed with platitudes, helping suffocate feminism in exchange for perpetuating the myth of ladies as hyperemotional, bitchy harpies), it’s Caroline Manzo. The voice of reason and mother hen on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Caroline has come across as a well-rounded, well-spoken, tough Mama who works a real job and raises kids with level-headed sensitivity.

Oh sh*t. Ugh, no no no. Why oh why has Caroline gone and designed a line of handbags? Nobody wants that! Oh man, and she even “showed” them at a so-called boutique that looks more like the dressing room at Marshalls? This is no good, guys. And then she splays herself out on a weirdly-placed leather coach, where she’s literally covered in a pile of her handbags? UGGGGGGGGH.

It’s a sad day in Franklin Lakes, you guys.

[via Stoopid Housewives]

– Eliot Glazer

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Wish We Were There: Kathie Lee And Hoda’s Pajama Party

“This is actually going out over the air?” — Matt Lauer

Good question, Matt. The beautiful disaster that is the fourth hour of The Today Show is consistently some of the best stuff on television. Kathie Lee Gifford has morphed from weepy-eyed, goodie two-shoed martyr to a sassy, post-menopausal y wino. And her partner in crime, Hoda Kotb, is a Serious Journo-turned-kooky-underdog-in-heels. We adore both women, and would pay money to be in the non-existent audience, especially today, when Hodawoman and KLG held a “pajama party,” where they — and a handful of other ladies — discussed Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s lovechild and sleeping naked.

So, yes, Matt. This was live. And it’s the best.

 

– Eliot Glazer

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Assign Weirdo Celebrity Couple T-Pain And Ke$ha A Stupid Name

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson. David Arquette and Courtney Cox. John Travolta and a woman. In our swollen, celebrity-obsessed culture, we very quickly become obsessed not just with famous people, but famous people that don’t seem to make sense in a relationship together. She’s too good for him, or he’s too good for her, or one of them is far too good-looking for the other (you know, like how Christie Brinkley looked hideous next to Billy Joel). It’s all very important stuff.

However, we couldn’t have seen the pairing of T. Payne T-Pain and Kashi Ke$ha coming from a mile away. But a photo tweeted by the rapper, singer, and mega-producer responsible for making Auto Tune an ideal way to give singing careers to people who can’t “sing,” per se, T-Pain shows him sharing eskimo kisses with the glittery garbage bag that is Ke$ha. Since the new thing we do is combine names to give a stupid name to a “power couple” (see: Brangelina, Bennifer, TomKat and Roygis) (Regis Philbin and wife Joy), what shall we call this gruesome twosome? Options, naturally, include: Ke$h-Pain, Ta$ha, Mr. Mr. and Mrs. Pain, and Koo$hball Painzies. Oh, and also Calvin and Kesha.

Leave your suggestions in the comments!

– Eliot Glazer

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Is This A Young Dr. Dre On A Game Show? Who Cares?

Some people are saying that this video of a kid on Child’s Play, a game show from the 70′s, is Dr. Dre. Some people are saying it definitely is not Dr. Dre (it’s probably not).

Doesn’t matter: footage of this kid talking about the polyamory lifestyle and accessing financial security in women to the host, Bill Cullen (who was probably a very nice man, but because it’s the seventies and he’s got those glasses and he leans in so close to Tiny Dr. Dre/Ronald Blair Wilkinson III, he’s a creep by default) is priceless.

Somewhere, Dr. Dre or Ronald Blair Wilkinson III is laughing.

[Reddit via Dangerous Minds]

– Eliot Glazer

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Who Would You Rather (Fancytown Edition): Cory Monteith Or Chord Overstreet?

It is very weird, I think, that I, a grown adult, am attracted to actors who portray high school students on Glee. It’s just weird, perpetuating this stereotype that high school students are, like, SEXXXY. They can’t be sexy. I was in high school. You were in high school. We all know that high school students are generally aloof and they smell odd and their zany hormones keep them that way, at least until college when indie music, sex, and tempeh will give them the chance to cool out for a little bit.

All that being said, Cory Monteith and Chord Overstreet are both very much legal (in fact, Cory is actually older than me, pushing 30). So that makes me feel a tad less guilty that I can’t choose which actor looks better in a suit and glasses. I’m not a twelve-year-old girl, either, but if I were, I might have to lean on toward Chord, just because those pillow lips were crafted from a Sex God Angel. But Cory should hang around, too, because …oh, hey, I’m still twelve years old in this scenario, so, actually, you know what? We’re about to get detained by the Creepster Police.  BYEEEEEEE!

– Eliot Glazer

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Zach Galifianakis Breaks Into The MSNBC News Room

Last Saturday night, Zach Galifianakis was at 30 Rockefeller Center to watch his Hangover 2 co-star Ed Helms host Saturday Night Live. Because Zach is awesome, he decided around 1:30 AM to make his way into the MSNBC news room on a different floor, where he proceeded to — according to the video below — sit at a desk and turn his head when other people turned theirs.

He was seated behind anchor Veronica De La Cruz as she delivered the news, quiet as a mouse, but willing to later take a picture with Veronica and the early morning news crew.

See, this is why being famous could be so much more awesome for smart people! Sure, you get last-minute reservations at fancy restaurants, and you can cut the line at events without hassle, but imagine the perks of sneaking into a news room when nobody’s looking? That’s the kind of juvenile behavior that could only be demonstrated by someone as brilliantly demented (and famous) as Zach.

[via HyperVocal]

– Eliot Glazer