May 21st marks THE END OF THE WORLD. How do we know? Because the Bible guarantees it, according to Family Radio. In fact, they also predict that the end is nigh because gay people are…around, or whatever. But we think that, aside from a really old book of fairy tales and men kissing men and ladies kissing ladies, there are clear signs within the realm of pop culture that signal the inevitable end of time. These examples are so defiant of reality, sense, and logic that they, too, guarantee that the world is going to explode at 6:00pm on Saturday!
Because, honestly, how can we live in a world where these things exist?
21. Napoleon Dynamite is coming back…to TV…as a a cartoon???
20. Simon Van Kempen’s “I Am Real”
19. Melissa & Joey is an actual television show…on television
If Meryl Streep‘s portrayal of Anna Wintour in The Devil Wears Prada is any indication, the lady is a dragonbeast. The editor of Vogue — also as evidenced in the documentary The September Issue — is not the kind of person with whom you want to get into a shouting match (or even a whispering match) (LOLOL @ the idea of a “whispering match”).
If, in fact, you don’t think gay people deserve the right to get married, then Anna will probably cut you, which you can tell simply by the look in her big, beautiful, terrifying eyes. “Having the right to say ‘I do’ is as fundamental as having the right to vote,” she says on behalf of the HRC’s New York For Marriage Equality campaign. And she’s got a point: if Larry King can
walk hobble down the aisle with, like, a thousand different women, why shouldn’t gay men and women get the right to make the same mistakes?
Just try looking Anna Wintour straight in the eyes and telling her that gay marriage should remain illegal. She will turn you gay faster than a lacrosse player at a Kylie Minogue concert.
As I write this, I’m seated in a
Portland Brooklyn cafe next to a bearded F2M and a gay dude who looks like a lesbian, and they are screaming with laughter about DJ Kool Herc*, and I’m not making any of this up. I’m not even in Williamsburg, either, the borough’s mecca for rich twentysomethings who dress like homeless people who dress like fancy pirates.
So it only makes sense that I’m simultaneously watching a video from sketch group Harvard Sailing Team about hipster music, which has been studied, dissected, and parodied endlessly, although there still really is a band called !!!. That, alone, warrants satire, as does the F2M next to me who seriously won’t shut up about DJ Kool Herc (it’s official: I’m moving to Manhattan) (Manhattan, Kansas — why, what were you thinking?).
*Dear DJ Kool Herc: did you know you were still relevant among hip hop nerds and F2M’s? Congratulations!
— Eliot Glazer
Remember when everyone learned what “freewalking” (or Parkour) was years ago on MTV: True Life or something? It caught on hardcore, and people started being dummies and jumping off walls (I was definitely one of those dummies, FYI).
Well, that nonsense is DUNZO, you guys. Australians have introduced us to a new “urban sport” called planking, or “lying flat on stuff, face down.” It’s reeeeeeeally stoopid, and totally necessary in the world of Stupid Sh*t We Do, Photograph, And Upload To Facebook. Athletes, babies, and old people: everyone’s doin’ it!
— Eliot Glazer
Oh wow! Unless it’s fake (which it may very well be because the internet is a liar), Drew Carey signed an autograph in 2003 that pictured him bathing in a tub filled with beer or something? This is from when Drew Carey was larger, and also Whose Line Is It Anyway? was in its 17th season. Now he’s both thin and the host of The Price Is Right, so: OLD NEWS!
…Unless, of course, you’ve been waiting patiently for a picture of Drew Carey shirtless, in which case: CONGRATULATIONS! There isn’t really much to say about Drew Carey (raise your hand if you’re a fan of “Drew Carey’s comedy”), so, y’know, TAKE IT IN!
[via CTRL + W33D]
— Eliot Glazer
After much fanfare for her new album, Born This Way (which will be released next week), the singles and leaked tracks from Lady Gaga‘s upcoming album have proven, stylistically, very confusing. As soon as “Born This Way” dropped, everyone accused Gagsy of ripping off Madonna (personally, I do think it resembles “Express Yourself,” but the song has grown on me, in its weird, ethereal glory) (also, the video is just f*cking rad as all get-out).
The title track was soon followed by “Judas,” “The Edge Of Glory,” and now “Hair” (and the just-leaked “Marry The Night“). Maybe we’re alone here, but these songs are just so…odd. Not in the cool, performance-art way, either, that Gaga executes sartorially. “Born This Way” does a pretty great job of marrying 90’s power pop with spacey, echoing downbeats and Gaga’s signature spoken-word refrains, but “Judas,” “Hair,” and “Marry The Night” are — of all things — super Jock Jam/La Bouche-y. And the ballads “You And I” and “Americano” are very much by-the-book, so…they’re fine.
And while we can’t turn off “The Edge Of Glory,” it might be because it sounds like Celine Dion covering Mike & The Mechanics, with a seriously hilarz sax breakdown that sounds like Weird Al snuck into the studio. We love it, but it’s ridiculous to think that it’s an actual Lady Gaga song. It’s like the song was written for a Nickelodeon movie, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s insane to think that Lady Gaga sings about “dancing in the flames” in 2011. …Right?
Just kidding. They don’t call him “Harrison ‘Good Times’ Ford.” They call him “Harrison Ford” because he is just like his name sounds: a strapping, alpha male action hero (we’ll forget about Morning Glory).
But Harrison’s become somewhat of an old coot in Hollywood circles. I mean, if anyone is going to be considered an “old coot,” it’s definitely going to be the Vice Chairman of the Board of Directors of Conservation International. That’s Harrison’s title, which he wore proudly while attending the 15th annual Los Angeles Dinner benefiting Conservation International.
Oh, and Kung Fu Panda was there, so someone was like, “Harrison! Be a sport and pose with a giant cartoon bear! Seriously, do it for the Conservation International!” And Harrison was like, “Uh…yeah, I’m not gonna… Okay, we’re doing this, are we?” ::Serious Cough:: Alright. Check out this …fun, FUN stuff.” ::Serious Cough::
— Eliot Glazer
I don’t have babies, but it is obviously a very hard job. It must become so difficult that the sound of baby toys becomes just insurmountable. Bells and whistles and giggles can all take their toll on a new mommy or daddy, especially when their life becomes nothing but that (and also: burps, poop, pee, farts, crying, bottles, feedings, pumping, and a lack of sleep) (can you tell I recently visited a new mother of twins?).
Well, somebody got their hands on a kid’s toy, a telephone with light-up numbers that says the name of the number as your press the dial. Someone also realized that, if you press the buttons fast enough, Simon-style, you can make it curse! HARDCORE CURSES!
It’s so stupid. Good morning! (Video NSFW):
– Eliot Glazer
Did you hear the news? The world is ending at 6:00pm EST on Saturday!!! There have been some very levelheaded people trapzing around New York City warning us of the oncoming disaster. In fact, my friend, comedian Bex Schwartz reminded me (so I can set my alarm accordingly) that earthquakes will erupt in every time zone at the same time! She even pointed me to the really well-done, very trustworthy web site of the brilliant minds behind the fun stuff: Family Radio (just because the content hasn’t been updated since 1997, you can be sure they know that the end is nigh).
That gorgeous graphic above features a very timely countdown clock, as well as horns, flags, and a guarantee from the Bible that we are doomed! Doomed, you guys! Family Radio also warns us that the end is near because gay people would prefer not to be persecuted for dating and stuff. In fact, says Family Radio, thanks to the stupid “worldwide successes of the Gay Pride [and] same-sex marriage movement, God has given convincing evidence that the world is on the threshold of Judgment Day.” THANKS A LOT, THE GAYS! YOU’RE LITERALLY DESTROYING HUMANITY WITH YOUR FILTHY KISSES!
Anyway, I am gay, too, but I’m going to take a break from my constant, evil man-sex (and making sure my dog is taken care of when my homosexual Jew heart disintegrates into soot or whatever) to tap creaky prop comic Gallagher so that he can help you figure out what to do if you happen to be driving on an interstate on Saturday at 6:00 PM. RESERVE YOUR HELICOPTERS NOW!
Remember California Dreams, the awkward, carbon copy of Saved By The Bell that never quite caught as closely as the Bayside gang? Granted, both were a signature staple of their time: canned laughter, klutzy blocking, and terrible jokes, all executed by twentysomethings dressed up as teens (when twelve-inch fly Mom Jeans were very much the norm before we knew what Mom Jeans were).
Enter “Teen Wheels,” a spot-on, Tim And Eric-style send-up of those creaky tween sitcoms of yesteryear. Pretty girl in humongous khakis? Check. Dude in ribbed tees talking about dating woes? You bet. Dead secretary at driving school, transported Weekend At Bernie’s-style? Okay, sure!
Get on board, guys.
P.S. Great web site, too (.biz 4EVR).
– Eliot Glazer