Posts By glazere

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‘California Dreams’ Has Nothing On ‘Teen Wheels’

Remember California Dreams, the awkward, carbon copy of Saved By The Bell that never quite caught as closely as the Bayside gang? Granted, both were a signature staple of their time: canned laughter, klutzy blocking, and terrible jokes, all executed by twentysomethings dressed up as teens (when twelve-inch fly Mom Jeans were very much the norm before we knew what Mom Jeans were).

Enter “Teen Wheels,” a spot-on, Tim And Eric-style send-up of those creaky tween sitcoms of yesteryear. Pretty girl in humongous khakis? Check. Dude in ribbed tees talking about dating woes? You bet. Dead secretary at driving school, transported Weekend At Bernie’s-style? Okay, sure!

Get on board, guys.

P.S. Great web site, too (.biz 4EVR).

– Eliot Glazer

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Angry Birds And Adele, Together At Last

Would you have ever guessed that two of the biggest cultural phenomenons of 2011 would be moody animated birds and a folky, English singer/songwriter? Yep, even in an age of Grand Theft Auto and Auto-Tuned robopop starlets (hey, Ke$ha!), there is still room for 2-D video games and Adele. So that’s refreshing.

The Key Of Awesome knew it was high time to capitalize on both things, since Adele has been at number one on the charts forever and Angry Birds are going to start replacing real birds (here’s hoping!).

– Eliot Glazer

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When In Rome…Be The Worst Bus Driver Ever

So a bus driver was suspended after someone filmed him trying to configure his e-mail while using two cell phones and steering with his elbows in Rome. He was driving passengers to the airport, where those on board with a fear of flying should have just been looked up and been like, “Okay, sh*t. This is way worse.”

According to The New York Times, the driver was employed by a subcontractor “with its own management and board,” meaning it’s not positive that driving the bus with his elbows was actually grounds for being fired.

If we were in Rome, you know what we would say right about now? “Mamma mia!” …But only because we’d have stopped to see the Italian leg of the Mamma Mia! tour.

Why, what you were thinking?

[via The New York Times]

– Eliot Glazer

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Zonkie: Sure, Why Not?

There used to be this kid in my high school class who suffered from some sort of unspecified ailment. Whatever it was left him with enormous, floppy jowels and in a perpetual state of baldness. It would have earned him more sympathy if he didn’t use his “weirdness” to gain attention, like when he would spill the beans on alleged tales of incest and when he would charge a dollar to shake his pronounced jowels back and forth, like raw chicken cutlets defying gravity.

It was always creepy. But it wasn’t “zonkie” (sure, we’ll use that as an adjective).

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Lisa Ling To Hyperactive Evangelical Wannabe Chiropractor: ‘Really?’

People aren’t watching enough OWN. Seriously. If you aren’t watching The Oprah Winfrey Network, you’re missing out. Gayle King is out of her mind. “Behind The Scenes” showcases Oprah being a total weirdo (just try keeping count of the times Oprah candidly uses the term “crazyass”). And “Master Class: Maya Angelou” had us both sobbing and lactating.

But one of the network’s gems is “Our America With Lisa Ling,” in which Lisa delves into social issues like any other newsmagazine show, albeit with a certain youthful zest that makes it feel less staid than “60 Minutes” and “Dateline.” (Is “Dateline” still on TV? What year is it?)

One on recent episode, Lisa explored evangelical faith healers, and boy oh boy, is there a lot to work with here. Whether you’re agnostic or, say, The Pope (in which case, awesome hats, dude), it’s easy to see why Lisa looks mildly terrified. A bunch of sweet, well-intentioned kids bounce up and down in a room, screaming like it were a nursery school full of oversized toddlers, all of whom suffer from major separation anxiety.

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Rebecca Black, Meet Gabbie Rae

Rebecca Black was one big ol’ exercise in irony, wasn’t she? A kid who paid money to record a song and music video, both of which were really, really bad, but cemented her as the biggest YouTube video of 2011? Yeah, that sounds about right. And who said irony was dead? (Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter did, actually.)

Rebecca was birthed from Ark Music Factory, an actual factory (we wish!) where parents poop out money so that their kids can basically have the best Bar Mitzvah video ever. And now, Big Boi of Outkast, is entering that market with Purple Kidz, a similar record label that will be feature a roster of young artists, and will be run by both Big Boi and his sixteen-year-old daughter, Jordan. That’s right: Big Boi’s kid got a f*cking record label for her birthday! Not bad.

Here’s the weird thing, though: Jordan must be doing something right, considering that the first “big” act out of the gate is 12-year-old Gabbie Rae, whose song, “Neverland,” is actually pretty good, as is the cute video. Someone tell CJ Fam that there’s a new kid in town, and she’s not going down without a fight.

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Simon Van Kempen ‘Performs’ ‘Live’ ‘Music,’ Triggering The End Of The World

There’s a theory that the end is nigh, and that 2012 will be the end of us, according to the calendar of the Mayans or something? In American culture, the existence of cultural memes like Bristol Palin, Donald Trump for President, and Simon Van Kempen, it can be argued, prove that any formidable element of talent is no longer necessary in achieving even the slightest modicum of success. We now live in an age in which wealthy people can become significantly more wealthy by having sex on camera with Brandy‘s brother. It’s sad, you guys.

The aforementioned Simon Van Kempen is married to Alex McCord, a cast member on The Real Housewives Of New York City, itself an exercise in validating negative ideas about grown women who behave like teenagers you hate. Simon likes attention a lot, too, so he recorded a “song” called “I Am Real” in which he opines about being a “celebrity” and being bad-mouthed by middle-aged women on Twitter.

Instead of reading to his kids last night, he showed up at Andy Cohen‘s playhouse to “perform” the song on Watch What Happens, Cohen’s vanity project talk show in which his staff giggles at the boss’s puns while the facets of society crumble around us all. All eleven viewers sat agape as Simon (who later performed the song at New York gay club Splash, because, sure, okay) fumbled in place beneath a mirrorball, doing this weird thing with his mouth that was either meant to be “sexy” or the signs of a mini-stroke.

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Don’t Tell Mr. Roku To Do His Homework

We already showed you the biggest kid in the world this morning, so how about we shift gears to The Coolest (not that obese children aren’t awesome, but that’s just not the primary concern).

Lots of kids are cool (cue: me in a trenchcoat and fedora, tip-toeing away from a playground). But then there are those like Mr. Roku — a child who actually goes by “Mister” — who is a Japanese child and wrestler, lucha libra style.

The little guy somehow wipes the floor with grown-ups, which makes him both awesome and a babysitter’s nightmare.

Video after the jump:

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This Jew’s ‘Wonton’ More From His Asian Constituents

Dan Adler is a Democratic candidate from California, hungry for a seat in the state’s 36th Congressional District. He’s also hungry for Moo Shoo chicken, kabuki performances, and picking up his dry cleaning. What do those things all have in common? Asian people!

In fact, Dan Adler’s wife is Korean, which apparently makes it okay for him to rally Asian voters by shooting a campaign ad in which he courts a sassy dry cleaner dressed like the love child of Rue Maclanahan and Kim Jong Il. “You’re Jewish!” she alerts him in her signature tongue, reminding him that he should be scarfing down potato pancakes instead of making small talk with her.

John Kerry had Bruce Springsteen. Barack Obama had Stevie Wonder. Dan Adler? Dude’s totally got “Chopsticks” on lockdown.

[via The Awl]

– Eliot Glazer

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The Daily Mail Would Like To Introduce You To The World’s Fattest Kid

Suman Khatun is a six-year-old girl from West Bengal, India, who weighs roughly five times more than she should, according to The Daily Mail. They also came up with some very necessary statistics to describe Suman:

  • She eats mud when she her parents refuse to feed her
  • She will eat 15 biscuits and ten bananas “just for an afternoon snack”
  • She weighs as much as “two Kylie Minogues” and “one Great Dane” (which, incidentally, makes up a “Dannogue”)

Suman’s mom says her daugther is hungry “all the time and all she does is cry. I don’t like seeing my daughter so sad so I feed her. What am I meant to do?”

Normally, we would suggest Mom say no so that her daughter can, y’know, live? Maybe take a walk? But before we go that far, we realize there’s definitely someone who’d like to “weigh in,” if you will, on her young competition.  Donna Simpson, show us how it’s DONE:

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