Posts By glazere

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World’s Worst Person Is ::Drumroll:: A Mother Who Injects Botox Into Her Eight-Year-Old’s Face!

“My mom is 34, and she really likes when I do pageants, which I’m okay with and stuff because I get to dress up all pretty and cup my hand like I’m a princess and stuff? But sometimes, she makes my face hurt when she puts needles in it and pumps it full of in-ject…in-ject…in-ject-i-bles? She says that it’s so I don’t have wrinkles, even though I’m eight years old and she won’t tell people where she gets the Botox goop that she puts in my face probably because she doesn’t think I’m pretty enough (I guess? What other possible conclusion would I ostensibly make as an eight-year-old?), she is still a TOTAL PROFESSIONAL! I am definitely in good hands, and am being bred for a really well-adjusted upbringing.

It’s no big deal that my mom put me on national TV, either, showing me — again, a child — in an extremely vulnerable position, bruised from a painful procedure meant exclusively for Real Housewives and soap opera actors. You see the way she is basically breathing down my throat as the blond lady asks me questions? That’s because she’s a great mommy! She lets me skip on my feet (see the B-roll), except that hurts after MY MOM WAXES MY PRIVATE PARTS.

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WTF, DSW?

Jezebel‘s Jessica Coen went shoe shopping at DSW. Fair enough. That’s where you go for shoes when you aren’t “cash poor,” a term I’ve only recently discovered, and that is literally one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Anyway, girl just wanted some new, sweet kicks to wear around town because a lady likes her shoes (said Carrie Bradshaw at some point, I bet).

Anyway, when she got there, she thanked the good lord she wasn’t epileptic, since apparently DSW has decided to pretend they live in that area of Las Vegas where epileptics are prohibited from entering (a.k.a. EVERYWHERE) (p.s. my mom is epileptic, but that’s not the reason we never went to Vegas) (but that is also a reason we would never go).

DSW put up a sign — in bright, flashing lights! — that is, like, a visual mating call to Liza Minnelli and a deterrent for anyone who likes to not be vision-impaired. Dim your screen and ENJOY THE RIDE:

– Eliot Glazer

 

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‘Vito Bonafacci: In Search Of Truth’ Is A Real Movie, Possibly ‘The Room, Part 2′

In the words of Sophia Petrillo, Picture it: Last week. AMC Loews Village 7, New York City. The boyf. (JEALOUS?) and I go to finally see Source Code since we’d heard very good things and read positive reviews. The lights dim in the movie theater, and the first trailer begins to play. It is one of those melodramatic trailers where the self-awareness is so potent that you just know the movie is going to be — surprise! — a comedy.

But the serious tone continues, and it becomes unsettling. The orchestral strings. The gauzy lighting. The staid, detached acting that was so bad, it just had to be a tongue-in-cheek joke drenched in meta, Tim And Eric-style visual acrobatics. I look around feverishly, desperately hoping that I wasn’t having a stroke. What wasn’t anyone else laughing? Was my jaw the only one on the floor, in awe of a movie that is basically a poor man’s schizophrenic hobo’s, 90-minute-long episode of The Sopranos in which the title character, Vito Bonafacci, meditates on Catholicism? IS THIS REAL LIFE?

Well, turns out Vito Bonafacci: In Search Of The Truth is real. And it’s sponsored by Perillo Tours (no duh).

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What Could Will Smith Possibly Be Keeping In His Trailer?

Will Smith is filming Men In Black 3: We’re Still Doing This? in New York City, and a big stink has been made over his trailer, a two-story, 53-foot-long, 22-wheel truck nicknamed “The Heat,” nestled tightly along a street in the already-cramped neighborhood of SoHo. Locals complained about exhaust fumes and the strain it took on business, so Big Willy was banished by the Mayor to a private lot (never mind that his alleged apartment on Bond Street is literally blocks away from the set).

So what could Will Smith be keeping in his trailer that reportedly costs $9,000 a week?

  • Like, a million balloons
  • Osama bin Laden’s corpse
  • Elephants (for riding, not the circus or anything)
  • Ranka** farts
  • Willow Smith’s wigs
  • Will Smith’s ego
  • A skateboarding park
  • Vats of soup
  • Both Aunt Vivs

– Eliot Glazer

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Judge ‘Razzes’ Child Molester, And It Is Somehow More Awkward For The Judge

“I think you were born gayer than a sweet-smelling jockstrap”* and “I must have looked ravishing in my prom dress” are two things that you would usually reserve to say to a convicted child-molesting bus driver in private, right? Not so, according to a Wisconsin judge who fashions himself a very forward-thinking, potty-mouthed version of Judge Judy.

Weirder yet, he speaks graphically about the defendant’s d**k when referring to the homophobia of yesteryear, the kind of societal shunning that might cause an ashamed, closeted gay guy to allegedly go after kids — which, for the record, is not how that works, because exclusively linking pedophilia with gay men is unfounded and archaic.

Nevertheless, it is his courtroom, and if he’s going to trot out the best one-liners this side of an Elayne Boosler HBO special, we can’t stop him.

*How does he know?

[via Videogum]

– Eliot Glazer

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What Can’t Levi Johnston Un-See?

Levi Johnston “wrote” a book called Deer In The Headlights: My Life In Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, presumably a memoir about how he accidentally made a baby with the daughter of Professional Famous Person Sarah Palin, and how the Grizzly Hockey Mama Or Whatever challenged his I.Q. by being all, like, “Pretend you’re in this for the long haul because I’m going to be President of the World!”

On the book’s cover, Levi gives the most expressive facial expression he will likely ever give, so good for him for finding something he’s good at. But, we wonder, what is making Levi look so perplexed? On the short list, some guesses include:

  • Diapers
  • Sarah Palin’s personal tanning bed (that is real)
  • His Playgirl spread (“Aw man, no d**k?”)
  • Bristol’s new face
  • Angry caribou
  • A text from his agent reading: Dancing w Stars said no ):
  • A text from Bristol reading: U up? Wanna make BABY #2??? (:{
  • Boobs

[via Buzzfeed]

– Eliot Glazer

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Scotty McCreery Met Lady Gaga, And We Kinda Wish She Kicked Him In The Nuts

Last night on American Idol, Scotty McCreery (who, for the record, is apparently okay with going by “Scotty,” like he’s a terrier) welled up with tears during an Alan Jackson song, where he commemorated 9/11 with the lyrics, “I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran.” Yyyyeah, we know they sound alike, but they are, in fact, two different countries. Like Minnesota and Missouri, but countries. Different. Places.

Then he sang “Young Blood,” a Lieber & Stoller classic that Scotty turned into a sort of goofy, children’s-entertainer jamboree, his limbs all a’janglin’ and his hands barely caressing that microphone like a piece of corn. And that stupid, stupid grin. That cocky, arrogant, li’l-ol’-me? face that somehow elicits gushing from the crowd, the judges, and Ryan Seacrest, who anointed the kid with the weird term “Scotty The Body.” Exactly what body is he talking about?

The highlight of the evening, for us at least, was seeing Scotty mentored by Lady Gaga. Unlike the Idol judges, whose creative criticism doesn’t extend far beyond “Learn who you are!” and “Be in it to win it!” Gaga took a vested interest in helping enhance each contender’s performance with actual suggestions, telling Scotty that he should adopt some sex appeal by pretending he’s — GASP! — kissing a lady!  A real, live lady!  In fact, Gaga scared the smirk right off of Scotty’s face, forcing him to kiss the cross around his neck and mutter, “Lord, this is not my doing.”  ::Shudder:: Isn’t that, like, a line of dialogue reserved exclusively for Tyler Perry‘s Madea?

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Regarding The Real Housewives Of New York City, Herb Gets It

Herb Cohen is a retired Professional Negotiator who worked for the CIA, FBI, and the Federal Justice Department. He helped craft the governmental response to the Iranian Hostage Crisis and the highjacking of TWA Flight 847, and he was involved in the Camp David Peace Talks.

Now, he’s a Jewish retiree from New York living in Florida. Somehow, he got roped into watching The Real Housewives Of New York City, and is addicted (granted, this is regarding last season). He has learned nearly every facet of the show, but watches the women with the understanding that they are all pretty terrible. Dude hates The Countess LuAnn (as he calls her). He thinks Bethenny Frankel is lying about her father’s death. And, actually, he loves Bobby Zarin.  (And he thinks Alex’s name is Alec, as in Baldwin, which is amazing.)

Everything you wanted to know about The Real Housewives Of New York City but didn’t want to ask, Herb Cohen will tell you. If you thought Michelle Collins‘s mom, Judy, was the only sharp-tongued Jew in Florida hungry to share her thoughts on the show, you don’t know Herb. After the jump, some choice soundbytes:

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This Guy REALLY Likes President Obama

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new meme. Some guy met President Obama and went all Jim Jay Bullock on him, extending his wrist like the regal thing he is, while also giving his best OMFGGGFace.

The photo was taken at a Democratic National Commitee event in Austin, Texas, on Tuesday, where this guy even slide his glasses up onto his head so that he could get a look at our handsome Prez. In the words of the fallen Manila Luzon, “Girl, WERK!”

Naturally, you can find our stupid Photoshop projects after the jump:

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Haters Gonna Hate, But We Still Have No Clue What This Dude Is Saying

Did you know people still use MySpace? We thought it was just for music now, but apparently people like So Exclusive use it to refute the haters or something? Granted, there are a lot of hatin’ fake-ass *****s and ******s online, always ready to hate. In the words of So Exclusive (quoting Nicki Minaj), these haters are some “itty bitty piggies,” so there go you.

So Exclusive, who is a model or something?, has “real” fans, too, and he just wants to let them all know what is real. And what is real is basically surreal, because, honestly, we don’t understand a word this guy says. Some things he might be saying in the NSFW video (which you can watch after the jump) — although we have no way to be sure — include:

  • “Warfare”
  • “Viggo Mortensen”
  • “Fakeass bitchass ******”
  • “Paging”
  • “Hanes Her Way”
  • “Get your weight up”
  • “Teepee”
  • “London”
  • “Sinbad: It’s Just Family”

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