Jake: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
Mom: Thanks, babe. Hold up, I’m just transferring money from my savings to my checking.
Jake: Are you done?
Mom: Almost … Okay, done! Hi, honey!
Jake: Hi. Mom. Why are you carrying a papoose?
Mom: Oh, this thing? It’s just an ergonomic alternative to a purse. I am a rich white lady, you know.
Jake: It’s cool. Hey, how do I look in this plain track jacket and khakis that doesn’t manage to show off my flawless body?
Mom: You look great, Jake. Really.
Jake: You think so?
Mom: Would I lie to you? Your own mother?
Jake: I know, I know. It’s just that there are surely some horny bloggers that would love to see me wear tighter clothes because everything about me is allegedly perfect, including the fact that I volunteered at a homeless shelter on my bar mitzvah, which is amazing.
Mom: Honey, you just do what makes you feel good.
Jake: Okay, cool. Then baggy, unrevealing clothes it is. Best Week Ever can suck it! Thanks, Mom. You always know how to make me feel better.
Mom: Anything for you, love. Now get in my papoose!
— Eliot Glazer
“Girls, girls, girls!” — Motley Crue
Megan Amram is a notable comedy person (because calling her a “comedian” would be lumping her in with, like, Arsenio Hall) whose blog and Twitter are wildly followed because she is essentially the female equivalent of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim: a brilliant absurdist comic, but with a vajyna (that’s how you spell it, right?). She will soon be a darling of the alt-comedy world, which will surely annoy some of you, but deal with it.
She and her friend, Kate Riley, filmed a fake commercial for a sex line (“1-800-69″). It’s on par with — if not better than — Tina Fey‘s fedora and oil stains in 1-900-OK-FACE. But that’s like comparing apples and oranges and fake sex line commercials. And, like we once to say in the nineties, don’t go there.
— Eliot Glazer
In my inaugural post, I promised you that I would bring you news items of MAJOR IMPORTANCE, including audible animal farts. And I’m not the kind of guy to renege on my promises, okay?
I’m not here to “smoke [anyone] out of their holes,” you guys. I’m here to give you valid reasons to stop filing reports and filling out spreadsheets and adjusting your bow tie (this is what happens at real jobs for real people, according to movies).
So here she is in all her glory: video of a dalmatian puppy taking a bath and letting one rip.
America, America, this is you.
— Eliot Glazer
Of all the Real Housewives of New York City, Kelly Bensimon is the not the worst. Personally, I think Jill Zarin is the worst — a greedy, vindictive yenta-turned-fame-monster who is, simply, bad for the Jews (Michelle Collins‘s mom, Judy, is with me on that one).
Unlike Jill, Kelly Bensimon is not threatening. She is just a supremely weird lady who, against all odds, appears on a television show in which she is expected to think fully-realized thoughts and speak in coherent sentences (mostly in the form of heated insults predicated upon arguments about, like, who may have farted while drinking champagne at a fundraiser for paper cuts). And, if you’ve ever seen the show, you know that she is being paid for a service she cannot provide.
That peculiar ineptitude translates just as poorly onto her personal YouTube videos, a recent one which features KKB dousing her hair in lemon juice, salt, oil, and booze, and doing that thing where she pretends she’s making a joke to cover her tracks in case anyone takes her words seriously. “I’m doing this for you guys,” she claims. “We’re doing this together!”
Last we checked, the video had 111 views, so…it’s okay, Kelly. You don’t have to “do” “anything” for “us.” Go ahead and cash your checks, and congratulations on everything. Well-deserved.
[via Stoopid Housewives]
— Eliot Glazer
There are several reasons I like Rene Russo.
- She’s a good actress.
- She was in The Thomas Crown Affair, which is awesome.
- Although she is a well-known actress, she has avoided being a tabloid staple because, frankly, she isn’t an a**hole.
- She looks her age, which suggests that she hasn’t desperately caved to the pressures of chasing youth the way so many actors and actresses do with plastic surgery (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s just cool to see a middle-aged actress besides Susan Sarandon, Angela Bassett, and Meryl Streep with skin that doesn’t look like a Mylar balloon).
- She helped me realize I was gay.
What kind of guy are you into? Do you like them strong and masculine, dark and brooding? Maybe he plays the guitar, has a silly haircut, and can pass for Jewish?
What about a guy whose face is so smooth, it resembles porcelain (which might even earn his the nickname “Porcelain”)? He’s of a the gentler variety, a sensitive soul whose saucer eyes can make despair and longing seem romantic!
Or how about the dude who looks like a California dream: blond, shaggy hair, serious muscles, and pillow lips that run the risk of distracting you from his rock hard six-pack?
Now, what if we told you he plays a high school student just because he can?
You’re in luck! Take your choice from this ‘Glee‘-ful spread of three of the boys from McKinley: Chris Colfer, Chord Overstreet, and Mark Salling, all curled up together on a bed, making your Teenage
Wet Dream come true.
Wow, Dan Savage was right: it really does get better.
— Eliot Glazer
In no way do I understand what a Real Housewife is. Andy Cohen, he with the sh*t-eating grin and bags of money (you know the ones — with the dollar signs labeled on the front?) created a monster when he turned The Real Housewives into a flourishing Bravo franchise, pumping up the ego of dozens of women who were known in small circles for nothing more than being wealthy and probably annoying.
Anointing these ladies with the power to overuse the word “drama” and debate endlessly about who is the most “classy” (which is, itself, a moot point because collecting checks for appearing on reality television is, by default, at the bottom of the low-cultural rung), Andy has turned back the dial on feminism by about thirty years by painting these women as nothing less than shrewd, loud, abrasive Mean Girls. And even if it is entertaining (which, granted, it is), it’s extremely unhealthy behavior to reward in 2011 when Tina Fey, Bridesmaids, The Hairpin, Broad City, and Nancy Pelosi exist.
So the idea that Nene Leakes, a tall, loud, unrelenting meanie from The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, would quit The Celebrity Apprentice is baffling. She was obviously kept on the air to make good TV because she likes to be scream at people like Star Jones (who, ironically, has made it clear that she not only knows how to do things, but is focused on raising money for charity). But when Star made a stink about Nene’s combative behavior and it was validated by Donald Trump — of all people to make decisions about treating others with respect and kindness — she quit the show. Why, asked Wendy Williams (in the video after the jump)? Because Nene “makes her own decisions,” “nobody tells [her] what to do,” and she wants to “surround [herself] with people who love and care about [Nene].”
As if the “feud” between 17-year-old Justin Bieber and 53-year-old Marg Helgenberger wasn’t amusing just enough for how f*cking weird it is (someone needs to make “Team Marg” tee shirts because I will wear one), it’s nice to see dreamy Anderson Cooper poke his nose into that bizniss.
An expert on the situation (LOL) was on his show, 360, talking about how Marg called Justin a “brat,” and he retaliated by taking to his Twitter account to bash the CSI star, who probably thinks Twitter has something to do with “whatever the Angry Birds is” (I know 53 is far from ancient, but I’m just pretending she knows about Twitter as much as my mom, who is roughly the same age as Marg, so just play along).
Anyway, some brilliant producer at 360 thought that, during this very important segment, it was a perfect to air a video of young Anderson — wearing a Jamiroquai hat before Jamiroquai wore those hats — on a game show called To Tell The Truth. Anderson is the son of famous rich socialite Gloria Vanderbilt, so it totally makes sense that, as a child, he was involved in some weirdass nonsense like this. But all these years later, Anderson, who recoils in embarrassment at the site of something so damn…well, embarrassing, is still equally adorable.
Now if only he would take off his shirt more often!
Big news in the world of the greedy and talentless: Bristol Palin, original Teen Mom (so gangsta!) and daughter of
former governor political pundit Reality Show Star Sarah Palin (and owner of a BRAND! NEW! FACE!), is getting her own reality show on the Bio channel. Bristol will move from Alaska to L.A. with her kid, Tripp, where she will work at a charity and room with the little brother from That’s So Raven.
If you break that down, what it really means is that the attention-hungry, money-starved daughter of her attention-hungry, money-starved mother is transitioning from gaining notoriety for having a kid out of doomed wedlock and failing at being a ballroom dancer to pimping out aforementioned kid as she continues to clamor for the last fourteen minutes while under the guise of being charitable (as if anyone moves to L.A. to work in non-profits). Cool, cool, cool. We’re glad to see that she’s going to publicly raise her child with That’s So Raven, and that she’ll get a little money while she’s at it. She works very hard!
Meanwhile, the show doesn’t yet have a title, so we’d like to offer up some suggestions:
- Bristol Palin’ s Los Angeles
- Bristol Takes A Tripp
- That’s So Raven, Part Two: Hey, Where’d Raven Go?
- Bright Lights, Big City, New Face, New Kid
- Bristol Palin: Gimme Money Gimme Gimme!
- Dude, Where’s My Face?
- Paging Child Services
- Bristol And Kyle: Who And Who?
- Suck It, Johnston!
- Charity Sounds Boring
- Sinbad: It’s Just Family
— Eliot Glazer
Hey! There’s this guy, Sterling Hurst, who is an actor, comedian, and writer (and also part of the sketch group Mandoodle). He is very handsome and friends with my sister, who pointed out on her personal blog that, although he is neither Black nor a geek, he looks EXACTLY LIKE JALEEL WHITE, the actor who portrayed Black geek Stephen Urkel on Family Matters.
And he does!
Somebody page Laura Winslow’s beeper! NEW HOTTIE ON THE MARKET!
— Eliot Glazer