Posts By hopperd

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Garfunkel And Oates Explain The Sobering Difference Between 29 And 31

Garfunkel And Oates 29-31

Here’s the latest song from Garfunkel & Oates, the Riki Lindhome / Kate Micucci musical-comedy duo with an improbable knack for funny songs that always contain just a bit more truth than you’re ever usually expecting (and I expect a LOT of truth in my comedy songs – it’s why I only ever listen to Weird Al’s Rick Rubin sessions).

The song’s called “29/31″ and explores the mindset of the same woman at age 29 and age 31, causing those of us riiiight in that age range to definitely laugh at this and not re-evaluate the potential harrowing circumstances of our current lives because it’s just a comedy song I keep reminding myself ha ha ha sound of laughter!

Watch at your own risk, age pals (language NSFW):

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Game Of Thrones Recap: Blackwater For Blackelephants

Game Of Thrones Blackwater

It’s Game Of Thrones Season 2, Episode 9, the second-to-last episode of the season, entitled “Blackwater”, because it’s a shot-for-shot recreation of the brutal “Blackwater” battle depicted verbatim in the source material – this Doobie Brothers song:

You don’t even WANT to know how violent next week’s “What A Fool Believes” Season Finale is.

This week’s episode picks up where “The Prince Of Winterfell” left off, with Joffrey valiantly striding into battle with his new sword “Hearteater”, his new shield “Brainpuncher”, and his trusty dagger “Juguluarpeeronner”:

For the record, Joffrey’s sword is actually a nonfunctional prop purely for adorable purposes, not unlike baby shoes.

Read more…

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New Best Simpsons Tumblr: “I Don’t Remember These Simpsons”

By now, you’ve likely seen the amazing Movie Simpsons Tumblr (if you haven’t, go there now and hang out forever byeeeee!), but continuing this trend of random but awesome new Simpsons Tumblrs, I couldn’t stop laughing at “I Don’t Remember These Simpsons”, a collection of viewing guide descriptions from recent forgettable Simpsons “episodes.”

An example:

Simpsons Tumblr

There’s only a few up at the moment, but they’re golden. And hopefully we can collectively guilt the Tumblr-operator into posting new ones every single minute, because we are the internet and are insatiable (but screaming UPDATE YOUR TUMBLR!!! at a stranger is the sincerest form of internet-flattery).

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Facebook Posting Explained In One Graph

We just did some official statistical research about Facebook and compiled this interesting but mathematically precise graph that finally explains why every post in your Facebook feed is from someone you don’t care about:

Facebook Graph

That explains SO MUCH. I knew that 7-month factfinding statistical survey would pay off – that dude from my Level 1 improv class’ baby got so big in that time.

NEXT STUDY: “Seriously, Where’d That Sh*t On My Timeline Go?”

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Drug Dealer Somehow Arrested After Taking Photo Of Himself With Cocaine In His Mouth Wearing A Money Crown

So, what’s the dumbest photo of YOU on Facebook? I’ll bet it’s pretty dumb, but not quite as dumb as this photo of Ayub Hagos, a reported drug dealer in Britain who was arrested for heroin and crack possession, plead not-guilty, then changed his plea after police found a number of photos on his phone of Hagos holding a bag of cocaine in his mouth and fanning 20-Pound-Notes while wearing a crown of money:

Drug Dealer Money Crown

According to Splash News: “Ayub Hagos took the photo of himself on his mobile phone along with other images including piles of cash, guns, knives and white powder.” He also had several photos of him flexing his abs in the mirror with heroin lining the cracks of his six-pack, and emailed 34 d*ck pics to various girls with the words “I AM SMOKING CRACK RIGHT NOW” drawn on his shaft along with an arrow pointing upwards at himself at a bunch of crack he’s holding.

Long story short, I’m no longer embarrassed of that one Facebook pic where I’m slightly squinting and look a little stupid. (Full Disclosure: I am still super embarrassed of every Facebook pic ever taken, I just lied briefly to complete that joke)

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Adam Reposa Is Just A Great Lawyer And Patriot

Adam Reposa LawyerHere’s an “ad” for a “lawyer” and “person” named Adam Reposa, a self-proclaimed “Lawyer, Patriot and Champion” (Legal triple-threat!)

The ad figuratively and literally kicks the sh*t out of any actual local lawyer commercials you’ve ever seen (besides possibly these people – rawr!)

He isn’t just going to trial, he’s putting THE WHOLE SYSTEM on trial, and by “the whole system” we mean some dude’s car window and by “putting it on trial” we mean kicking:

Ehhh, not sure he’s committed enough. Think I’ll just hire these handsome devils.

(via Videogum)

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50 Celebrity Names That Sound Like Game Of Thrones Characters

New Party Game! In apropos of nothing, we’ve spent the last two days coming up with Celebrities Whose Names Sound Like Game Of Thrones Characters – meaning, actors, musicians, athletes, and other famous people whose real-life names contain some combination of fantasy-ness, pseudo-ethnicity, and juuust-slightly-offitude worthy of a bonafide Westeros inhabitant.

Here are our favorite 50 Celebrity Names That Sound Like Game Of Thrones Characters, along with descriptions of who their names would be on the show (not who they’d be, just the names), ranked from 50 to 1 in order of Game Of Throneyness. Leave your own suggestions in the comments – we stupidly can’t get enough of these:

50. Baz Luhrmann

Director of Moulin Rouge; Shifty mage apprentice to the warlock Pyat Pree

49. Jurnee Smollet

Played Jess on Friday Night Lights; Homely Winterfell commoner who attracts Theon’s affections


48. Joaquin Phoenix

Star of Gladiator and Walk The Line; Standard-Bearer of House Feynix (Season 5)


Read more…

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New Dark Knight Rises Banners Are So Great, I Might Go See The Dark Knight Rises Now

Still not sure if you should go see the next installment of the best series of movies ever that will invariably break box office records regardless of what viral promotions occur online between now and July 20th (in my Google Calender since the day I got my phone)?

Good news! The Dark Knight Rises just released four new super-detailed banners, and they’re awesome (Click for Very Very Large Version):

Dark Knight Rises Banners

You can check out the other three equally-great posters over at CHUD.

As for whether or not I’m gonna go see The Dark Knight Rises, I don’t know, I’m still on the fence. Maybe if Papajohns.com comes out with a kick-ass Android “Splat The Bat!” minigame I’d consider it?

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This Roy Halladay Bobblehead Is The Worst Bobblehead Ever Made

We’ve seen some sh*tty bobbleheads in the past, but this recently-recalled bobblehead of Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay is just on another level of hilarious/confusing badness.

Take a look and give it a second, then go “zuwhaa?”:

Roy Halladay Bobblehead Error

Forget the fact that it doesn’t look like Roy Halladay or that Halladay throws right-handed and this thing is holding the ball with its left – those are AMATEUR sh*tty bobblehead mistakes. What really makes this one exceptional is the fact that regardless of his handedness, NO ONE IN BASEBALL EVER DOES THIS IN A GAME EVER.

Why is he winding up the opposite way of where he’s throwing (With his wrong hand)? They’ve been making Bobbleheads for like 80 years (ever since that President Taft bobblehead, which was just President Taft), clearly they understand how baseball throwing operates – how did this one turn into some frickin’ M.C. Escher impossible-figure?

Speaking of which, do they make M.C. Echer bobbleheads? Cause if not, I’ve got 900,000 high school geometry teachers who are about to mail me their cash.

(via Zoo With Roy)

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Happy Birthday Bob Dylan, From Dewey Cox

Walk Hard Bob Dylan Song

May 24th is Bob Dylan’s birthday (happy 71st, person whose music I’ve heard!), but rather than bore you with the obligatory internet “The 71 Greatest Dylan Songs For Star Wars Boobs” list, here’s our favorite 1-minute Dylan parody/homage ever: The very deep Bob Dylan ripoff song from the movie Walk Hard:

You’ll be missed, Bob Dylan. In heaven, we mean, as long as you continue to be alive, which is good!