Posts By Becky Howard

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Madonna’s Marriage Contract With Guy: Scheduled Sex And Kaballah Lessons

We are so confused about the daily twists and turns in the Guy and Madonna saga, we don’t know who’s the baddy or the goody anymore (hey, we like to have easily identifiable characters in a divorce. Paul McCartney = good, Heather Mills = bad. Christie Brinkley = good. That older bloke who shagged a teenager = bad!). But suffice to say, as more and more stories are deliberately leaked to the press are dug up by Britain’s unscrupulous tabloid papers, it sounds like that marriage was a very miserable place to be.

Witness the latest salvo dished out about Madonna’s control-freakery: a marriage contract specifying amongst others, how often they should do it and what exciting exploits they should get up to on evenings together. …

“It stated that Guy had to ‘work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing’ and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge. It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows ‘to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.’ Guy, 40, was instructed never to shout at Madge, 50, but instead look her in the eye and say: ‘I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.’ The marriage rules said both parties must … ‘not use sex as a stick to beat one another,’” according to The Sun.

Our favorite bit is when they claim Madonna says, ‘Contract, Guy, contract’ whenever he naughtily broke any of the rules. Love it. We can’t wait till this saying hits the streets. …

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Zac Efron’s NBF: Michael Jackson

We should have guessed it already, but hey, guess what? Michael Jackson loves High School Musical! You could have placed money on it. Of course the 50-year-old Peter Pan of Pop would like an all-singing all-dancing extravaganza starring fresh-faced teenagers. In an otherwise dreary interview with Heat magazine, Zac Efron reveals that Blanket’s dad called HSM director Kenny Ortega to talk directly to him.

“I’ve been wanting to talk to Michael Jackson my whole life. But as soon as Kenny handed me the phone, I was at a loss for words. I have never been so speechless. He said he loves High School Musical. It was motivation for us,” said Zac.

Really? What sort of motivation? To try and grow stubble and signs of adulthood as soon as possible? It’s OK, we think you’re too old for a sleepover now, Zac. [Source: Heat, Photos: WireImage]

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OMG! Guess Who This 40-Year-Old Hottie Is?

Seriously, we nearly choked on our cornflakes. Expecting to see bespectacled, cowboy-hat wearing, foghorn voice-blasting, tight leather jean-wearing pop star Anastacia on the English breakfast show GM:TV this morning, we were amazed to see Naomi Watt’s more glamorous sister appear in her place. Instead, of course, it was Anastacia, who has gone through a quite stunning image makeover. Who knew some laser eye surgery, a haircut and a new stylist could look so good?

“It’s totally freaking people out,” she said. You’re not kidding! In other, Anastacia-related news today, she’s ‘fessed up that she previously lied about her age, but it was the Evil Record Company’s Fault. Speaking to Heat magazine, Anastacia said:

“When I started with Sony, they brought it up innocently. ‘You know, you’re 30 … it’s not a problem but we’d love to make your age a little younger, and you look so much younger … most people lie about their age in this business.’ It seemed very innocent the way they were telling me. But over the years it’s been something that’s really bothered me. Now I can say that I’m 40 and proud to be 40!”

You go, lady. Paging Fergie

[Source: GMTV, Heat. Photo: Getty Images]

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Paris Hilton – Now On Sale, 50% Cheaper!

Paris Hilton is STILL in London and STILL doing the rounds of clubs every fricking night, leading to the ever-more-tedious shots of her doing that imperious pout she does so well. But there is a silver lining, which is that she’s not raking in the obscene amounts of money she was previously just for turning up and pouting away.

“Paris demanded £50,000 from Paper nightclub. They were prepared to pay — but on the condition that she turn up twice, not go anywhere else before or after that evening, and stay for a minimum of two hours. But she didn’t want to adhere to all the conditions so the club cancelled her appearance. Whisky Mist also refused to pay. But she went there anyway because there was a chance that she would bump into royalty — and she did in the end. The only club that paid her was Movida, and that was £25k,” a friend told the London Lite paper.

Ha-HA! The credit crunch has (almost) hit Paris! Maybe this is karmic payback for professing ignorance about the financial meltdown in the first place. [Photo: Splash News Online]

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Elle Macpherson’s Reported New Man An Ex-Coke Fiend

Update: Elle Macpherson denies being romantically involved with Brian Burgess

It’s hard to find a good man, we know. But pity poor Elle Macpherson (if you can muster any sympathy for the stunningly beautiful multi-millionaire businesswoman and model), as she’s slipped down the dating food chain a bit. First she married legendary fashion photographer Giles Bensimon, then she had a long-term relationship with financier Arpad Busson — now engaged to Uma Thurman. She then was spotted with little-known British actor Ray Fearon, but now who’s Elle’s latest squeeze? Why, she’s hooked up with an Australian removals guy whose previous job was a cocaine smuggler!

After snaps surfaced of Elle driving around London with “Aussie Man With A VanBrian Burgess, it’s come to light that he was found guilty of trying to smuggle 4kg of cocaine out of the U.S. in 1996 and spent four years in prison before being deported to the UK. Apparently, according to his colleague John Hess, he’s now a bonza bloke and “spends most of his time counseling people with drug and alcohol addiction.” Actually, it sounds like he’s got just the right sort of past to fit in with any A-list crowd. You’re nobody unless you’ve been to rehab/prison/had an eating disorder/drug addiction, do you hear us? NOBODY. [Source: Daily Telegraph, Photo: WireImage]

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Amy Winehouse Still A Mess, Back In Rehab

Only a few days ago Amy Winehouse gave a bizarre — but incredibly articulate for her — interview to a French journalist through her flat intercom, so we were kind of hoping that all might be getting a little better in the wacky world of Winehouse. But as predictable as Liz Hurley giving us a good full-frontal shot of her boobs again, snaps of Amy in the weekend papers showed her looking out of it once more … and being taken away to rehab AGAIN.

This time she’s in a clinic suffering from a “chest infection,” according to dad Mitch — and still hasn’t turned up for a police interview after she allegedly assaulted a woman fan last month. She didn’t look the picture of health, either, what with her lovely yellow teeth, scabby skin and half-crazed look. It’s SO A/W 2008! So cool that even Cindy Crawford (pictured above) dressed up as Amy for Halloween this weekend, and guttingly looked so much hotter than the real thing.

Call us old romantics, but with Britney on the mend, we’re willing for another A-list car crash to sort themselves out in time for Christmas. We’ll probably have to find another one, though, eh, Ames? [Source: News of the World; Photo: X-17 Online]

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Russell Brand Will Tell Your Granddad If You Shag Him

He’s made a career out of being an incorrigible man-whore (OK, and funny with it), but Russell Brand is now facing a bad-taste overload after he left obscene messages on an 78-year-old actor’s phone. The VMAs presenter called up legendary Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs during his BBC Radio 2 show and left explicit messages on his phone about doing the dirty with his granddaughter Georgina.

“In a minute we’re going to be talking to Andrew Sachs. The elephant in the room is, what Andrew doesn’t know is, I’ve slept with his granddaughter.” Russell said, while fellow presenter Jonathan Ross shouted in the background, “He f**ked your granddaughter.” Not knowing when to shut the hell up, Russell left two more message, in one promising he wore a condom and he did her on a swing. Jonathan added that “he did her over the couch.” Nice.

The BBC is now facing censure for allowing the broadcast to be, er, broadcast, Russell’s made a half-assed apology and all 3287 (approx) girls who slept with Russell are now thanking profusely that their granddads aren’t famous ex-sitcom actors. [source: Daily Mail, Photo: Getty Images]

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Miley’s Dad Tries To Stop Her From Doing It

It’s heartening that even our teenage megastars have to endure the OMG-please-don’t-say-the-’s’-word chat from parents. Perhaps sparked into action by recent Scandalist posts (we like to perform our social duty), Cyrus Papa, Billy Ray, recently sat down young jailbait star Miley to give her a talk about the birds and the bees.

“We brought Miley up with good morals and strong religion, but she’s at that age where she is bound to be experimenting and her hormones are going nuts,” the predictable “friend” of Mr Achy Breaky Heart told The Sun. “I told her in no uncertain terms that her career would be over if something stupid were to happen and she would no longer be a role model for young girls, something she takes very seriously.”

Euphemism-tastic, Dad! Yes, Miley needs to be careful of “something stupid,” while “experimenting.” God forbid a teenage girl should think about boys in, you know, that way. Do the words “horse,” “stable door” and “bolted” mean anything to you? [Source: The Sun, photo: Getty Images]

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Angelina Will Marry Brad Because Of Shrek

Yes, we’ve been willing it for years — just think of the wedding pictures! Gasp! — but it seems a poorly-voiced animated green monster will be the glue that finally unites Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Giving an interview to Italian Vanity Fair, Angie discusses why she and Brad haven’t tied the knot yet, and why their kids are nagging at them to show some fricking respect and do it, already.

“Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, ‘Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?’”

Well, Angie, you could always wriggle out of it by explaining that Shrek and Fiona aren’t married because they don’t exist in real life? We jest. Don’t make Shiloh cry, please. She also half-promised to stop acting and focus on the Brangelina Bunch: “The kids are my priority, so it’s possible that from now on I will make fewer movies. I may even stop altogether.” Well, we’ve heard this all before , so we won’t hold our breath. [Source: Daily Mail, Photo: Getty Images]

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Peaches Geldof Enrages New York With Patronizing Column

The great international celebrity swap treaty continues apace — having given us Paris Hilton in recent days, we in the UK have now bequeathed you Peaches Geldof (ha!). And “surprisingly,” it seems you don’t want her. The professional famous daughter has snagged a column in Nylon magazine, cringily subtitled “British Invasion,” and her first, incredibly pretentious column has failed to win her any new fans — on your side of the pond or ours. …

“America is a strange place, a place of contradictions, but a place that never fails to change one’s world view,” Peaches writes. “[I] buy pizza from street vendors, run through Times Square marvelling at its energy, and source new vintage boutiques.”

Profound. However, the comments pasted by enraged New Yorkers tell another story. “I’m in awe of what an astoundingly abysmal piece of sh*t this is,” says Aaron while Slackjawed adds, “Never write anything again. Please.”

Unfortunately, it seems somebody in your country is paying Peaches to write this crap. We’re able to ignore her now — especially after her so-bad-it’s-awful MTV show, Peaches: Disappear Here totally bombed in the ratings — but we’re thinking about your welfare. Can you really stomach any more?

[Source: Nylon magazine, Photo: Splash News Online]