Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Samsung Gives Us Paul Rudd, Kia Gives Us Baby Astronauts In Some Super Bowl Ads…For The Ladies

Obviously you don’t have to be a woman to enjoy Paul Rudd‘s piercing blue eyes or a tiny giraffe in a spaceship. But considering that there is a large contingent of people who don’t care one way or the other if the San Francisco Fifty Minus Oners or the Baltimore Black Birds win the Big Plate this Sunday (and many of them are female), we like that some Super Bowl commercials are giving us what we want (besides snacks), which would be our celebrity boyfriends and baby astronaut killer whales. We’re only assuming Samsung was thinking of us when they hired Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd for their Super Bowl spot. Do they both have insane hair? Yes. Do we care? Only in as much as they both more adorable this way.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Don’t Worry, Julia Roberts! This Red Carpet Escort’s Tell-All Reveals Only The Most Boring Scandals

Celebrity Escort Writes Tell-All

Listen up, everybody. If you write a tell-all in this day and age, you had better bring it. Heck, Kris Jenner wrote a tell-all about herself in which she exposes her own infidelities. If you aren’t exposing someone’s love child or some Mommy Dearest-level insanity in your scandalous memoir, we are not even going to check it out from the library. It’s these high standards that made us so bummed to read about the “secrets” revealed in Christopher Gaida‘s new book Arm Candy: A Celebrity Escort’s Tales From The Red Carpet. Despite having escorted celebs to red-carpet events (entirely platonically, as we were saddened to find out) for fourteen years, some of Giada’s non-revelations include:

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by (@hallekiefer)

Speidi Says They Spent $10 Million Assuming The Mayan Apocalypse Was Real. Seems About Right.

Speidi Says they Spent $10 Million In Apocalypse Prep

While we’re not exactly foaming at the mouth to help these goons achieve their pursuit of 15 more minutes of fame, we are loo-ooo-ooving the craziness Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are coming up with to try to be relevant. Like their claims that they spent $10 million dollars believing the Mayan Apocalypse was drawing near, for example. “We made and spent at least 10 million dollars,” Spencer allegedly told OK! Magazine. “The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.” Of course, Speidi’s End Times shopping spree story is probably slightly less humiliating than the actual story, which is probably that they spent it for no reason. They just dumb. No cataclysmic world catastrophe needed!

Of course, asteroid panic isn’t the only bizarre thing these two claim to be up to. As you might recall, earlier in January Pratt claimed that someone had “stolen” his phone and threatened to leak “intimate photos” of Montag. Haha, okay. Sure, guys! Fortunately that did not happen, perhaps because we already saw a number of Heidi “intimate photos” in Playboy…three years ago. “Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end,” Pratt sighed to OK! “I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.” On the other hand, if Speidi actually did spend all their cash in some kind of End of the World frenzy, that would explain why they are trying to force us to care again. Haha, sorry guys! The gig is up! We will always love and cherish Heidi’s “Body Language,” and this is it as far as you two are concerned.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Anyone Scandalized By Dakota Fanning’s New Nude Scene Stopped Following Her Career in 2006

Dakota Fenning Talks Nude Scene

We’re not claiming to be Dakota Fanning experts or anything. We like think of the five hours we spend each night watching her old movies and researching the veracity of her IMDB page as pleasure rather than business, but either way we know that Dakota Fanning’s much-touted nude scene in the upcoming film Very Good Girls is nowhere near her most scandalous cinematic moment. “Yeah, well, I’ve never done that before and I’m very newly allowed to do that,” the Breaking Dawn – Part 2 star told MTV about her nude sex scene. “I was newly 18, so yeah, it was, it’s kind of a sensitive thing, but it’s a part of life.” ” Added Dakota, “No one’s ever comfortable [doing love scenes].” Okay, fine, but how comfortable were we supposed to be watching Dakot’s other films?

Think about it: Dakota and Kristen Stewart smooched out for 2010’s The Runways, a scene which is allegedly historically accurate but clearly shot in a way that suggests it’s supposed to be “super-scandalous.” We can all remember the controversy surrounding Fanning’s rape scene in 2007’s Hounddog, which was shoot in 2006…when the actress was 12. Last year Dakota starred in Now Is Good, in which she played a girl dying of leukemia…while trying to lose her virginity. Compared to the rest of her oeuvre, actually, an 18-year-rold Dakota stripping down for a straight forward sex scene is downright wholesome. We’d almost go so far as to say it makes us miss the days of I Am Sam, but nothing is that strong.

Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

30 Rock‘s 15 Most Valuable Lessons About Being A Celebrity

30 Rock finale

For seven seasons, 30 Rock fulfilled our most American need: “to sit on a couch talking on the phone about a TV show they’re watching based on a YouTube clip.” Well…okay, everything except the YouTube part. Now at 8:00pm EST tonight, the show draws to a close with double episodes “Hogcock!” and “Last Lunch.” We learned so much about the universe created by Tina Fey and her team of affable weirdos, from Liz’s struggle to find love to the importance of finishing your morning shower scotch. The most valuable lessons we learned, however, had to do with being famous: what to do with your new-found wealth (spend it on exotic sharks!), how to maintain your youthful glow (eating any placentas you can get your hands on!) and how to never, ever, ever go out with Mickey Rourke. A man with a catapult and a sex grill? That’s a deal breaker, ladies!

So we thought we’d round up the show’s 15 most important lessons about being a celebrity, which will be tremendously helpful if we manage to get cast in The Rural Juror 2 or Honkey Grandma Be Tripping In Jail. As Dr. Spaceman once put it, “There’s not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it’s erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety.” Ah yes…we believe you call that fame.

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[Photo: NBC]

by (@hallekiefer)

Sorry Willow! Quvenzhané Wallis Is Clearly The Logical Choice For The Annie Remake

Willow Smith Is Out Of Annie Remake; Quvenzhane Wallis Should Be Cast

We’ve already been waiting for two years for the alleged Annie remake with music by Jay-Z. Now we’re thinking the movie was destined to take forever so it could feature a different leading lady. According to Variety, while Jay-Z is still penning the musical’s music, Will Smith is still producing and Easy A‘s Will Gluck is directing, Willow Smith is no longer involved. Which we think is kind of good news, since Quvenzhané Wallis is clearly the best choice to play the lead character in the new Annie!

Think about it: Quvenzhané is 9, while Willow is already…oh our God, Willow Smith is only 12?!?! The fact she isn’t even a teen yet and she’s given “Whip My Hair” to the world makes us look at our resume and weep. Okay, so while Willow is clearly still young enough to play the musical’s titular orphan, her musical tastes already seems a little mature for such kid’s fare. Did you hear her most recent song “Sugar And Spice”? Willow doesn’t seems like she wants to be dancing around with a dog and a bald guy. Quvenzhané, however, would bring the same intense, adorable energy to the remake as she did to Beasts of the Southern Wild. The only thing that could make an Annie remake better is if a Best Actress nominee starred in it, right? Right.

Related: Quvenzhané Wallis: 7 Reasons To Love The Youngest Best Actress Oscar Nominee

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

How Did Jess And Nick’s First Kiss On New Girl Stack Up To These 10 Monumental TV First Kisses?

Nick and Jess kiss on New Girl
We’ve been on our death bed all day, trying to recover from Nick and Jess’s first kiss on New Girl last night. Could that kiss have been any better? On one hand, dear God, no. The heavy breathing? The two small kisses at the end? We aren’t made of stone here, people! On the other hand, there is nothing more gratifying than a long-awaited TV kiss, and there have been a number of shows who absolutely killed it. How do Nick and Jess compare to, say, a Sam and Diane? A Damon and Elena? A Pam and Jim? Using our totally objective (read: highly personal) opinions, let’s see how their first smooch stacked up to the epic TV first kisses that came before:

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by (@hallekiefer)

After Allegedly Brawling And Pooping His Pants, Dazed Jason London Tweets About His Meltdown

Do we even have to make the requisite Dazed and Confused joke? You know, the one that goes “actor Jason London must have been Dazed and Confused after he was arrested following a bar fight in Scotsdale, Arizona”? Seriously though, something confusing must have happened to the ’90s actor for him to have allegedly punched a bouncer, made a homophobic slur at police officers responding to the brawl and…um…pooped his pants in a cop car following his arrest. “Guess what f—–?  I f—ing love this.  I f—ing own you guys so hard.  I’m rich and I’m a motherf—ing famous actor!  F—ing look me up, bitch,” TMZ claims London told the police before soiling himself. This kind of puts brother Jeremy London‘s whole “I was kidnapped and forced to take drugs” incident in perspective, but what if we were to tell you that this isn’t even the most baffling part of this story? The most baffling part is London later went to Twitter to address the incident.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Which Is Worse: An Arnold Schwarzenegger Sex Pic Or Bam Margera Drinking His Own Pee?

Bam Margera Urine Drinking Video Pulled From YouTube; Arnold Schwarzenegger Sex Pic Found

Hey, remember those two things you hoped to God you would never have to see? Well, it turns out they both exist and could at any point surface on the Internet. They’re like Internet Jaws: you never know when they’re going to strike! First of this evening’s nightmares is a nude vintage sex photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger that surfaced in Penthouse founder Bob Guiccione‘s storage locker, a locker which we’re betting smells so, so, so gross. The New York Post reports that the pic involved the former governor “performing a sex act,” a description we find terrifying in its vagueness. There’s no word as to whether the storage unit’s new owner plans to publish the image, but considering he bought Bob Guccione’s storage unit after the famed pornographer went bankrupt, we’re assuming it’s only a matter of time until we know even more about a man we know way too much about…

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by (@hallekiefer)

Karrueche Tran Finally Figures Out How To Play The Chris/Rihanna Drama: With Toplessness, Honesty

Karrueche Tran Rolling Out Cover

Karrueche Tran, what have you been doing since Chris Brown allegedly dumped you in October? It took you this long to realize what a pile of celeb gossip gold you have in your back pocket? You are the other woman in the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama, after all. We would be more surprised if you didn’t use the exposure to further your career, like posing topless for the cover of Rolling Out magazine.

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