Obviously you don’t have to be a woman to enjoy Paul Rudd‘s piercing blue eyes or a tiny giraffe in a spaceship. But considering that there is a large contingent of people who don’t care one way or the other if the San Francisco Fifty Minus Oners or the Baltimore Black Birds win the Big Plate this Sunday (and many of them are female), we like that some Super Bowl commercials are giving us what we want (besides snacks), which would be our celebrity boyfriends and baby astronaut killer whales. We’re only assuming Samsung was thinking of us when they hired Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd for their Super Bowl spot. Do they both have insane hair? Yes. Do we care? Only in as much as they both more adorable this way.

Rudd’s chiseled jawline aside, both Kia and AXE are going the astronaut route this year, which is smart because there is no sector of the population that isn’t totally into space travel. And if said space travelers happen to be in the same commercial as a devastatingly hot lifeguard…well then, that’s just smart advertising! Go Fifty Minus Oners!

Listen up, everybody. If you write a tell-all in this day and age, you had better bring it. Heck, Kris Jenner wrote a tell-all about herself in which she exposes her own infidelities. If you aren’t exposing someone’s love child or some Mommy Dearest-level insanity in your scandalous memoir, we are not even going to check it out from the library. It’s these high standards that made us so bummed to read about the “secrets” revealed in Christopher Gaida‘s new book Arm Candy: A Celebrity Escort’s Tales From The Red Carpet. Despite having escorted celebs to red-carpet events (entirely platonically, as we were saddened to find out) for fourteen years, some of Giada’s non-revelations include:

• Helping calm down Megan Fox at the 2007 Teen Choice Awards when she allegedly “freaked out” backstage.
• Walking three feet in front of Sharon Stone and not looking back per her request at the 1999 Vh1 Vogue Fashion Awards.
• Perhaps most dauntingly of all, remaining calm while Julia Roberts yelled at him at the 2000 GQ Men of the Year Awards. When he meet Julia again ten years later, she apologized.

These…that’s the only…where…if you are at an awards show and there is alcohol, how is there no…we cannot even deal with the disappointing level of divaishness in these anecdotes! The man attended events with Stone, Fox, Roberts, Angelina Jolie, Cameron Diaz, and Jessica Alba and not one of those ladies put a cigarette out on his forehead or did meth out of her makeup case? Julia Roberts even apologized, for pete’s sake! We’re 100% positive that someone did something particularly rascally and Gaida just didn’t want to blow up their spot, but that’s just not going to cut it nowadays. We need the dirt or don’t bother cutting down the trees! It’s just a waste of paper!

[Photo: Getty Images]

While we’re not exactly foaming at the mouth to help these goons achieve their pursuit of 15 more minutes of fame, we are loo-ooo-ooving the craziness Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are coming up with to try to be relevant. Like their claims that they spent $10 million dollars believing the Mayan Apocalypse was drawing near, for example. “We made and spent at least 10 million dollars,” Spencer allegedly told OK! Magazine. “The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.” Of course, Speidi’s End Times shopping spree story is probably slightly less humiliating than the actual story, which is probably that they spent it for no reason. They just dumb. No cataclysmic world catastrophe needed!

Of course, asteroid panic isn’t the only bizarre thing these two claim to be up to. As you might recall, earlier in January Pratt claimed that someone had “stolen” his phone and threatened to leak “intimate photos” of Montag. Haha, okay. Sure, guys! Fortunately that did not happen, perhaps because we already saw a number of Heidi “intimate photos” in Playboy…three years ago. “Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end,” Pratt sighed to OK! “I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.” On the other hand, if Speidi actually did spend all their cash in some kind of End of the World frenzy, that would explain why they are trying to force us to care again. Haha, sorry guys! The gig is up! We will always love and cherish Heidi’s “Body Language,” and this is it as far as you two are concerned.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

We’re not claiming to be Dakota Fanning experts or anything. We like think of the five hours we spend each night watching her old movies and researching the veracity of her IMDB page as pleasure rather than business, but either way we know that Dakota Fanning’s much-touted nude scene in the upcoming film Very Good Girls is nowhere near her most scandalous cinematic moment. “Yeah, well, I’ve never done that before and I’m very newly allowed to do that,” the Breaking Dawn – Part 2 star told MTV about her nude sex scene. “I was newly 18, so yeah, it was, it’s kind of a sensitive thing, but it’s a part of life.” ” Added Dakota, “No one’s ever comfortable [doing love scenes].” Okay, fine, but how comfortable were we supposed to be watching Dakot’s other films?

Think about it: Dakota and Kristen Stewart smooched out for 2010′s The Runways, a scene which is allegedly historically accurate but clearly shot in a way that suggests it’s supposed to be “super-scandalous.” We can all remember the controversy surrounding Fanning’s rape scene in 2007′s Hounddog, which was shoot in 2006…when the actress was 12. Last year Dakota starred in Now Is Good, in which she played a girl dying of leukemia…while trying to lose her virginity. Compared to the rest of her oeuvre, actually, an 18-year-rold Dakota stripping down for a straight forward sex scene is downright wholesome. We’d almost go so far as to say it makes us miss the days of I Am Sam, but nothing is that strong.

Photo: Getty Images]

For seven seasons, 30 Rock fulfilled our most American need: “to sit on a couch talking on the phone about a TV show they’re watching based on a YouTube clip.” Well…okay, everything except the YouTube part. Now at 8:00pm EST tonight, the show draws to a close with double episodes “Hogcock!” and “Last Lunch.” We learned so much about the universe created by Tina Fey and her team of affable weirdos, from Liz’s struggle to find love to the importance of finishing your morning shower scotch. The most valuable lessons we learned, however, had to do with being famous: what to do with your new-found wealth (spend it on exotic sharks!), how to maintain your youthful glow (eating any placentas you can get your hands on!) and how to never, ever, ever go out with Mickey Rourke. A man with a catapult and a sex grill? That’s a deal breaker, ladies!

So we thought we’d round up the show’s 15 most important lessons about being a celebrity, which will be tremendously helpful if we manage to get cast in The Rural Juror 2 or Honkey Grandma Be Tripping In Jail. As Dr. Spaceman once put it, “There’s not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it’s erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety.” Ah yes…we believe you call that fame.

[Photo: NBC]

We’ve already been waiting for two years for the alleged Annie remake with music by Jay-Z. Now we’re thinking the movie was destined to take forever so it could feature a different leading lady. According to Variety, while Jay-Z is still penning the musical’s music, Will Smith is still producing and Easy A‘s Will Gluck is directing, Willow Smith is no longer involved. Which we think is kind of good news, since Quvenzhané Wallis is clearly the best choice to play the lead character in the new Annie!

Think about it: Quvenzhané is 9, while Willow is already…oh our God, Willow Smith is only 12?!?! The fact she isn’t even a teen yet and she’s given “Whip My Hair” to the world makes us look at our resume and weep. Okay, so while Willow is clearly still young enough to play the musical’s titular orphan, her musical tastes already seems a little mature for such kid’s fare. Did you hear her most recent song “Sugar And Spice”? Willow doesn’t seems like she wants to be dancing around with a dog and a bald guy. Quvenzhané, however, would bring the same intense, adorable energy to the remake as she did to Beasts of the Southern Wild. The only thing that could make an Annie remake better is if a Best Actress nominee starred in it, right? Right.

Related: Quvenzhané Wallis: 7 Reasons To Love The Youngest Best Actress Oscar Nominee

[Photo: Getty Images]

10) Damon and Elena, Vampire Diaries

Want to turn up the intensity of a first kiss? Make it a death bed kiss, like Damon and Elena’s! When a man says “I deserve to die,” how can you say no to that? (Note: yes, we know Damon kisses Elena on her forehead earlier in the series, but come on. Come on.)

How do Nick and Jess measure up? Apples and oranges. You simply cannot compare a sweaty, devastating kiss and an adorable, thrilling friend kiss.

Do we even have to make the requisite Dazed and Confused joke? You know, the one that goes “actor Jason London must have been Dazed and Confused after he was arrested following a bar fight in Scotsdale, Arizona”? Seriously though, something confusing must have happened to the ’90s actor for him to have allegedly punched a bouncer, made a homophobic slur at police officers responding to the brawl and…um…pooped his pants in a cop car following his arrest. “Guess what f—–?  I f—ing love this.  I f—ing own you guys so hard.  I’m rich and I’m a motherf—ing famous actor!  F—ing look me up, bitch,” TMZ claims London told the police before soiling himself. This kind of puts brother Jeremy London‘s whole “I was kidnapped and forced to take drugs” incident in perspective, but what if we were to tell you that this isn’t even the most baffling part of this story? The most baffling part is London later went to Twitter to address the incident.

“Guys, the TMZ report is a total f—ing lie. I got jumped by three 250 pound bouncers. They knocked me out and beat me for several minutes,” the actor tweeted today. “Some guy thought I was hitting on his girl and had me jumped. My wife was in the next room, had no idea what even happened. I hate Arizona.” Claims London, “I would never say or do the crap they are reporting. Have faith in me. The truth will come out and you will see.” Speaking of crap, that’s what this all comes down to, doesn’t it? The world needs to know if Jason London intentionally pooped his pants or not and everything will become clear! Ugh, this whole thing is making us nostalgic for pre-pants pooping, Dazed & Confused-era Jason London…

[Photo: Splash News Online]

Hey, remember those two things you hoped to God you would never have to see? Well, it turns out they both exist and could at any point surface on the Internet. They’re like Internet Jaws: you never know when they’re going to strike! First of this evening’s nightmares is a nude vintage sex photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger that surfaced in Penthouse founder Bob Guiccione‘s storage locker, a locker which we’re betting smells so, so, so gross. The New York Post reports that the pic involved the former governor “performing a sex act,” a description we find terrifying in its vagueness. There’s no word as to whether the storage unit’s new owner plans to publish the image, but considering he bought Bob Guccione’s storage unit after the famed pornographer went bankrupt, we’re assuming it’s only a matter of time until we know even more about a man we know way too much about…

Meanwhile, in another corner of our terror mind, MTV star Bam Margera posted a music video to YouTube in which he (in the absolutely disgusting words of TMZ) can be seen getting a “drink from his own yellow fountain.” The clip also contained nudity and filthy lyrics, so as a YouTube rep explained, “The video was taken down because of the content. It was flagged by users and a policy team believed it contained too much sexuality per our terms of use.” Ugh, just reading about these two abominations makes us want to flag our eyes! (“Flag” is where you wrap a flag so tightly around your head that you can never see anything again, especially a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger and a pee-drinking Bam Margera, right?)

[Photo: Getty Images]

Karrueche Tran, what have you been doing since Chris Brown allegedly dumped you in October? It took you this long to realize what a pile of celeb gossip gold you have in your back pocket? You are the other woman in the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama, after all. We would be more surprised if you didn’t use the exposure to further your career, like posing topless for the cover of Rolling Out magazine.

“I try my best to just ignore the negativity, which is hard for me because it’s a lot to deal with. But I try to keep a positive mind and stay strong and not put energy into it,” Tran told Rolling Out. “People only see you in blogs and they think they know everything about your life. There are things that go public and everything that comes out is not the truth,” Karrueche adds. Okay, but if RiRi hadn’t had made veiled references to you on Twitter, would you be posing for your first ever magazine cover? Weird as it is to say, Rihanna has given you a great, terrible gift, girl.

Says Tran, “I hope people can learn from my story. I want to be remembered as someone who remained positive through such a negative situation. Regardless of what you’re put through or what is going on in your life, keep a positive spirit. That will help you get through it.” Meanwhile, despite the fact Chris Brown publicly dogged her for Rihanna (and vice versa), Karrueche is currently branching out from modeling to designing…Chris Brown’s women’s clothing line The-Kill. “Chris started his fashion line and wanted to start his women’s line. He asked me to be the head of the line. I brought along Ugo Mozie and MiMi Gazelle as my creative team,” she explains. As proud alumni of the Get That Money, Honey School of Economics, we could not be prouder.

[Photo: Rolling Out]

Taking a break from helping the homeless and spending millions on billowing harem pants, Russell Brand continued his transformation into a hairier Mother Teresa last week by staging a walkout at L.A.’s Golden Bridge yoga studio. No, it wasn’t to support a free Tibet or protest the use of non-organic sage in the community cleansing ceremonies. Instead, Russell rallied his fellow yoga students to storm out of class in support of his yoga teacher friend Tej Kaur Kalsa because the studio wouldn’t let her out of her contract. Yes, we know it’s not as sexy a cause as we would have hoped, but still. This is the same guy from Get Him To The Greek! Baby steps, people.

“Russell absolutely adores Tej, and she has become something of a guru to him,” RadarOnline said of the incident. “Tej told Russell that she wanted to quit teaching at the studio, but claimed they wouldn’t let her out of her contract. That made him spitting mad and he vowed to take action on her behalf!” Instead of slapping everyone with his rolled-up yoga mat, however, Russell put on his disobedience leg warmers and stood up during a regularly scheduled class last Tuesday to defend Khalsa. “Golden Bridge is not treating my friend in a respectful manner,” Brand declared to the class, which happened to include Demi Moore. “After years of dutiful service, they refuse to let her out of her contract. If you’d like to continue to study with her, follow me!” You just know everyone in that studio was waiting to see if Demi sighed and put her shoes back on, which she and half of the class did. According to a Golden Bridge employee, however, “There wasn’t a contract problem though, she just quit. Yes, there was a walkout in class, I didn’t actually know that Russell Brand led it, but he was there and so was Demi Moore. Neither Demi nor Russell have been back since.” We’re not sure what revolution this is, but Russell Brand sure has begun it! First a yoga class, then Lululemon, then the world!

[Photo: Splash News Online]

Let’s be real, shall we? Some of the Mean Girls actors have moved on to better things. Amanda Seyfried has literally blown up in the past six months (well, not literally), Rachel McAdams is firmly on the A-list and Tina Fey is now writing a Mean Girls musical with her musician husband Jeff Richmond, which is pretty much the pinnacle of human achievement. “I’m trying to develop it with my husband, who does all the music for 30 Rock and I think Paramount’s onboard,” Fey told E! at the SAG Awards. After gushing about her love of Mariah Carey, Tina added, “Maybe she can play Amy Poehler’s part in the musical.” Oh wow, Mariah singing “You Girls Keep Me Young” with a Chihuahua chewing up her bazooms would go perfectly with the show-stopping number “The Limit Does Not Exist” and the Unfriendly Black Hotties choir. (Yes, we’ve been writing this musical in our heads for the past eight years. What’s your point?)

Other Mean Girls actors, however, would potentially be available to join the musical based on the beloved 2004 teen comedy. We’d love to see Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels) reprise his role. Daniel Franzese (Damien) seems due for a career reboot. Rajiv Surendra (Kevin Gnapoor) has been in exactly one production since Mean Girls, so let’s do this! As for Lindsay Lohan herself…well, obviously we’d love that but let’s not get crazy just yet. Ooooh, what’s Glenn Coco been up to these past seven years? You go, Glenn Coco! While we try to figure out where he’s gone, check out the Mean Girls main cast then and now:

[Photo: Getty Images]

There’s a time and a place for everything, but rarely is the time “right before the SAG awards” and the place “the red carpet” for discussing criminal accusations of sexual battery. We’re guessing Glee‘s Mark Salling would disagree, of course, seeing as how he addressed a new lawsuit against him with E!’s Ross Matthews before the awards ceremony last night. “You hear about fraudulent lawsuits all the time, [but] ’til it happens to you, you really don’t grasp what it does, not to just you but your family,” the Glee star explained. “You want the legal process to happen as fast as possible, but it takes time. I want the chance to defend myself — and I will, vigorously.” Do you think that felt weird to talk about with Nicole Kidman standing five feet away? We imagine it’d be weird to talk about anything with Nicole Kidman standing five feet away.

Apparently the Glee star has been accused by his ex-girlfriend Roxanna Gorzela of a variety of horrible things: allegedly forcing her to have sex without a condom, allegedly grabbing her and allegedly shoving her to the ground where she struck her head. The only thing more awkward than talking about lawsuits and crime on the red carpet is to talk about them on Twitter, which Salling, um, also did. “You kind of have to learn as you go,” Salling said yesterday about dealing with the accusations, “but like anything else you have to stay positive and count on the people that do know you and love you.” And your publicist, who we’re assuming was standing off-camera, frantically waving at Mark not to talk about it right before the awards ceremony.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Well, this is embarrassing. No, we’re not referring to our scrapbook of wedding plans for our fantasy Bradley Cooper wedding. You know we spent a lot of time and effort on that. We’re referring to producer/director J.J. Abram‘s awkward casting rumor gaffe. It all began when the Star Trek director claimed Bradley Cooper was psyched to potentially play Lance Armstrong in the film based on the upcoming book Cycle of Lies: The Fall Of Lance Armstrong. “[Cooper] sent me an email and we’ve been talking,” Abrams told Entertainment Tonight. Seemed reasonable enough (both Lance and Bradley have a similar intensity and devastating cheekbones), until we found out that J.J. hadn’t…actually…mentioned to Bradley that he was supposed to be interested. Man, this is just like when we sent out the invites to our wedding to Bradley Cooper with out technically meeting him first. We feel you, J.J.!

Considering how quickly the movie rumor mill churns, it’s kind of surprising stuff like this doesn’t happen more often. Seeing as how Abrams directed Cooper in Alias in the earlier ’00s, J.J. was probably just getting everyone psyched for Bradley’s potential role in the film and he forgot to play one important call. “Oh my god, that’s so nuts!” the Silver Linings Playbook star clarified to Access Hollywood about the rumors of his involvement. “I was in Manchester, doing the BBC morning show… I had no idea what [the interviewer] was talking about. I didn’t even know that J.J. has the rights, I had no idea. I don’t know anything about it.” Oh, maybe J.J. got one of those Google bot emails from Bradley’s account and just assumed he was in to play Lance? That seems like a reasonable assumption, right?

[Photo: Getty Images]

Tonight’s Screen Actors Guild Awards were not as tipsy-casual as the Golden Globes nor as formal as the Oscars almost certainly will be, but they were still chock full of funny, touching quotes from everyone from Amy Poehler to Tina Fey to Dick Van Dyke. And while it technically was not “out loud” and therefore does not count as a quote, did everyone see Bryan Cranston‘s adorable daughter mouth “I love you, Dad” while he was onstage? After we finished dying over how cute that was, we rounded up all our favorite bon mots from tonight’s ceremony for your reading pleasure:

1) “I was cast in my first movie at 12 years old in the role of Chevy Chase‘s niece. Today, I would play his wife. In two years, I will play his mother. I’m Jane Krakowski and I’m an actor.”

2) “My father warned me that if I did anything artistic, I would look like a hooker. I told him, ‘With these huge boobs I inherited from your mother, I already look like a hooker.’ I’m Sofia Vergara, and I’m an actor.”

3) “I’m just so thrilled I have dental.” Anne Hathaway, accepting her Best Female Actor In A Supporting Role award

4) “I wonder what it’s like to act on a show that makes people laugh versus a show that makes people really tense.” Homeland‘s Damien Lewis

5) “I share this with my sweet friend Amy Poehler, who I have known so long…..Amy, I’ve known you since you were pregnant with Lena Dunham.” Tina Fey, accepting her Outstanding Female Actor in a Comedy Series award

6) “Our finale is on this Thursday at 8:00 up against The Big Bang Theory. Just tape The Big Bang theory for once, for crying out loud!” Tina Fey

7) “If we can absorb any of you into our cast, if you need jobs…” Jesse Tyler Ferguson to the casts of 30 Rock and The Office while accepting Modern Family‘s Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy Series award.

8) “Wolverine is getting chased by Gladiator, Catwoman gets knocked up and for some ungodly reason gives her baby to Bellatrix Lastrange and Borat. Wolverine agrees to raise Catwoman’s baby and she grows up to star in Mama Mia!” Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway describing the plot of Les Miserables, 2013-style.

9) “I’ve knocked around in this industry for 70 years and I’m still not sure what it is that I do.” Dick Van Dyke being adorable while accepting his Lifetime Achievement award

10) “I’m world famous for my cockney accent.” Dick Van Dyke

11) “Swordplay. Midnight. Bastard. Mustard. Murder. Sandwich.” Neil Patrick Harris and Amy Poehler dramatically presenting the Outstanding Male Actor In A Drama Series Award

12) “For tonight at least, I’m well endowed.” Bryan Cranston, hoisting his Outstanding Male Actor In A Drama Series award for Breaking Bad

13) “We were not expecting this! Shut the French windows!” Downton Abbey‘s Phyllis Logan accepting their Outstanding Ensemble in a Drama Series award

14) “Now I have this naked statue, which means some of you voted for me, which is an indescribable feeling.” Jennifer Lawrence accepting her award for Outstanding Female Actor in a Leading Role award

15) “It occurred to me that it was an actor who murdered Abraham Lincoln, and it seems only fitting and every once and a while an actor tries to bring him back to life.” Daniel Day-Lewis, accepting his Outstanding Male Actor in a Leading Role award

[Photo: Getty Images]

Uh, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo? We don’t really know you or what you’re about or understand your role in the Manti Te’o fake girlfriend saga. Heck, we barely understand any part of the Manti Te’o fake girlfriend saga. We do, however, know Dr. Phil and as such we are cringing at your decision to sit down with the good doctor to discuss your side of the story. We know you want to respond to Manti’s Katie Couric interview, but dude, did you not see Dr. Phil’s interview with Dina Lohan last fall? Where Lindsay Lohan‘s mom came across as defensive, evasive and potentially inebriated? Based on that interview alone, we can say with some confidence that Dr. Phil is not the person you want to sit down with if you don’t want to run the risk of seeming like a total nutburger. He will hang you out to dry if you get weird.

Not that we know for sure that you’re as weird as Dina Lohan. It’s just that…well, you might be. Even if you aren’t, the allegations that you helped fabricate a fictional woman named Lennay Kekua to lure Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o into a fraudulent long-distance relationship are going to be pretty hard to explain. Sure, there are some interviewers who could successfully unpack the complicated but ultimately human elements at play in this saga. Those interviewers would be Oprah and…uh, Oprah. Just Oprah. Unless you are going on Dr. Phil to make everyone feel really, really, really bad for you (and you just might be!), we think you should rethink this move.

We are dying at what an adorable little fancy man Katy Perry makes in drag. The singer stopped by Ellen today to celebrate Ellen DeGeneres‘ 55th birthday (did Ellen make some kind of deal with an evil wizard to look that good?), and to channel her inner dude in an amazing three-piece suit, toupee and mustache. We could honestly watch Katy dance her silly gentleman dance all day, but we had to take a break to round up the other female celebs from Lady Gaga to Gwyneth Paltrow to Amanda Bynes who look amazing in drag. And by “amazing,” we mean “like Daniel Radcliffe with a weird, sparse goatee.” Seriously, take a look.

There’s a lot of eye-brow raising details about the alleged Robert Kardashian diaries his widow Ellen Kardashian gave In Touch Magazine this week. For example, the fact she gave them her late husband’s personal diaries at all. Or the fact that Ellen did not immediately turn said diaries over to the police as evidence of alleged child abuse committed by Kris Jenner. “Kris was kicking and beating her and said she was going to kill [Kim]!” a diary entry dated Aug. 24, 1989 claims. “Kim was hysterical.” Good lord!

The diaries, allegedly written by the Kardashian sisters’ late lawyer father, also claim that Kris Jenner had an affair with soccer player Todd Waterman and left her children at home for days a time. “She doesn’t leave a number in case of emergency. She doesn’t care!” Robert allegedly wrote on Dec. 15, 1989. “She left [the] kids and screwed all night!” If any of this is true, the Kardashians must have undergone years and years of family counseling in order to be friends with their mother at all. Or maybe they didn’t, which might explain at lot…

As you might recall, last January Ellen Kardashian told the media Robert had admitted to her that daughter Khloe Kardashian is not his biological child. Khloe’s paternity drama has continued until today. “The continuous spread of egregious misinformation is just plain wrong, and it would be irresponsible of me and a disservice to my family to not address it at this point,” Khloe said of the rumors last week. ‘I want to say loud and clear that these are toxic, baseless and disgusting rumors and none of them are true.” As for these new Kardashian rumors….toxic? Check. Disgusting? Check. Baseless? Well, if the diaries are handwritten, that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are real, right? No one could possibly write something with a pen if it wasn’t true!

10) James Franco, Unspecified Movie

You didn’t think we would have forgotten that time James Franco watched a gay prostitute entertain a client to prepare for a role as a gay sex worker, did you? The fact he told James Lipton about it on Inside The Actor’s Studio is the one thing we still like about that guy!

9) Joaquin Phoenix, I’m Still Here (2010)

The Master actor grew out his beard, acting crazy on Letterman and basically committed to pretending his life was falling apart in order to film a faux documentary about his downward spiral. It didn’t exactly “work” per say, but we appreciate the lengths he went to in order to almost pull it off.

7) Adrien Brody, The Pianist (2002) and The Jacket (2005)

In addition to learning to play Chopin and dropping down to 130 lbs to play a Holocaust victim Wladyslaw Szpilman in The Pianist, Brody spent hours in a sensory deprivation tank to prepare for the horrors of The Jacket. All of which makes us so, so bummed to see that he is in that InAPPropriate Comedy.

6) Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight (2008)

Heath Ledger deeply immersed himself in the role of the Joker in The Dark Knight. “I sat around in a hotel room in London for about a month, locked myself away, formed a little diary and experimented with voices — it was important to try to find a somewhat iconic voice and laugh. I ended up landing more in the realm of a psychopath — someone with very little to no conscience towards his acts. He’s just an absolute sociopath, a cold-blooded, mass-murdering clown,” he told Empire Magazine. Anyone who has seen the movie knows why Ledger got that posthumous Oscar.

5) Natalie Portman, Black Swan (2010)

Everyone made a big deal about how much weight Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis lost to play dueling ballerina in the 2010 horror movie. How about the fact Natalie Portman allegedly learned to be a professional dancer in less than 12 months? Especially when she probably hungry all the time?

4) Christian Bale, The Machinist (2010)

Oh, Christian Bale lost approximately 63 lbs to play the emaciated protagonist in The Machinist. No big whoop.

3) Daniel Day-Lewis, My Left Foot (1989)

Before he became Lincoln, the actor played Christy Brown, a writer born with cerebral palsy and limited to the use of his left foot. So just to clarify: Day-Lewis earned a Best Actor Oscar for his role using only his left foot the entire movie, not to mention his confinement to a wheelchair during the entire shooting of the movie.

2) Robert De Niro, Cape Fear (1991)

We loved him as Bradley Cooper‘s neurotic bookie dad in The Silver Linings Playbook, and he didn’t even have to file down his teeth like he allegedly did to play the ex-convince villain Max Cady in Cape Fear.

1) Chloe Sevigny, Brown Bunny (2003)

While the kids might know her as American Horror Story: Asylum‘s resident nymphomaniac Shelly, the Big Love actress took her method acting to the extreme by performing oral sex on Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny. The movie was terrible, but Chloe’s dedication deserves an award of some kind.

[Photo: Magnolia Pictures/ Focus Features/ Warner Independent Pictures/ Warner Bros. Pictures/Fox Searchlight Pictures/Filmax Entertainment/Miramax Films/Amblin Entertainment/Vincent Gallo Productions]

“At the end of the day I probably let myself down, I let my family down, I let other people down,” Prince Harry sighed during a recent interview about his nude Las Vegas photos taken last August. To which we say…do you even know your family, Harry? Maybe things were different when Queen Elizabeth II was a girl, but if the last couple decades have taught us anything, it’s that you could barely be considered a British royal without at least one scandal in your back pocket. So don’t worry, Harry! You’re just joining other infamous royal scandals such as…

1) Kate Middleton’s bottomless nudes

Can Harry really feel too bad about everyone seen his nakedness when his new sister-in-law inadvertently showed the world hers while honeymooning in France last September? Kate Middleton obviously had no intention of anyone seeing her sans pants or sans bra, but then again…neither did Harry.

2) Fergie’s toe-sucking incident

Some of you kids might be too young to remember this, but for a while the only Fergie people cared about is not BFFS with will.i.am. Well, maybe she is; we don’t know her personal life anymore, not since Sarah Ferguson divorced Prince Andrew, Duke of York in 1996. Why did they get divorced, you ask? Peep this 1992 photo of a topless Sarah getting her toe-sucked by American financial advisor John Bryan, which was published in Britain’s The Daily Mirror, and you’ll have all the information you need. Luckily, daughters Beatrice and Eugenie thought to distract us with their insane hats during Kate and William‘s wedding, so their scandalous mom never came up during the coverage.

3) Princess Anne and the mistress’s baby

Princess Anne wed Mark Phillips in 1973, meaning they were married for 12 year before he fathered daughter Felicity with New Zealand art teacher Heather Tonkin. Needless to say, things did not really pan out between the royal couple after that, and they split in 1992.

4) Squidgygate

While Princess Diana dealt with a lot of scandal during her lifetime, one of the first eyebrow-raising debacles involved phone conversations between her and friend James Gilbey published by Britain’s The Sun during her marriage to Prince Charles. Did you know he nicknamed her Squidgy? Did you know Princess Diana was miserable in her marriage for a long time? Should we even know that?

5) Prince Charles’ tampon talk

Speaking of embarrassing phone calls, the leaked conversation between Prince Charles and then lover/now wife Camilia Parker Bowles in which he expressed a desire to be reincarnated as her tampon(!) is probably the most embarrassing phone call every made.

6) Princess Diana’s tell-all interview

In 1995, Princess Diana discussed her relationship with Major James Hewitt, Prince Charles’ affair with Camilia and her struggle with disordered eating with Panorama host Martin Bashir. Makes regular ol’ nudity seem downright discreet…

7) Harry’s paternity rumors

Speeeeeeaking of James Hewitt, you might have heard the (totally and completely unsubstantiated) rumors that Diana’s polo playing ex-lover is Harry’s biological father, which is some Kardashian-level ish up in here.

8) Pretty much everything Prince Philip says

Queen Elizabeth’s husband a.k.a. Britain’s dirty grandpa Prince Philip is basically known for his offensive gaffes. For example, he apparently joked with British students at China’s North West University, “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go slit-eyed.” Yeah, we’d rather the world see us naked than hear us say something like that.

9) Harry’s Nazi costume

If Harry’s going to be embarrassed about something, it should probably be this…um…Nazi costume he wore to a costume party in December 2004.

10) The undercover Fergie operation

Not to be outdone (if someone wearing a Nazi outfit could ever be counted as “outdoing” someone else), Fergie was caught in 2010 attempting to sell “access” to her ex-husband and other royals to undercover reporter Mazher Mahmood. Royals: they’re just like the rest of us! Unfortunately, the rest of us happen to be normal people who sometimes act like total idiots.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Quit sharpening your swords and making blood oaths everyone: Michael J. Fox and Taylor Swift are cool! Well, obviously they are cool. If we could pick three celebs to have lunch with, they would be two of them. (The third would be Jesus, since he could just take his lunch and make four lunches. Free personal pan pizza, ya’ll!) We mean they are cool, in as much as Taylor is not offended about those hilariously mean jokes Michael J. Fox made at her expense this week about dating his son Sam. That kind of cool.

“Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good. Thank you for having my back,” TSwift tweeted this afternoon. Frankly, we think it’s a testament to Taylor’s sweetness that she was able to get over comments like “Taylor Swift writes songs about everybody she goes out with, right? What a way to build a career.” and song title suggestions like “‘Sam, You Piece of S—’” so quickly. She probably reasoned that Michael J. Fox might want to be able to use the Internet at some point in the future without all her fans nailing him to the cyber wall. Does anyone think we’ll look back at this moment and realize that this is how her relationship with Sam Fox actually started? Yeah, we think so too, Mwahahahaha!

[Photo: Getty Images]

We’re betting the second Lance Armstrong agreed to do that revealing Oprah interview this week, a million Hollywood execs shed a single tear, knowing there could be only one Lance Armstrong cheating scandal movie. According to Deadline, Paramount Pictures and producer JJ Abrams beat them all to the punch, closing the deal on the filmmaking rights to the proposal for Cycle of Lies: The Fall Of Lance Armstrong, a book to be written by sports reporter Juliet Macur. That’s right: they bought the proposal to a book that has not yet been written. Now we want to shed a single tear over how genius that is.

Since it’ll be a little while before shooting starts, we have plenty of time to pitch potential actors to play America’s Most Hated Athlete (You’re welcome, Manti Te’o!). As for who should play his ex Sheryl Crow…um, obviously it should be Sheryl Crow herself. Wouldn’t you love to star in your ex’s downfall story? Meanwhile, we’d love to see Sheryl across from…

Matt Damon: Matty D. might be the only actor capable of making us feel real empathy for Armstrong. Or at least deter us from trying to punch him through the movie screen.

Michael Shannon: The Man of Steel actor has Armstrong’s lean good looks, as well as the cojones tan grandes to try to quibble with Oprah on the minor points of a humiliating cheating scandal.

Matthew McConaughey: If McConaughey doesn’t get the Oscar for The Dallas Buyers Club, channeling Armstrong would be a great second try!

Nic Cage: We’re talking about full throttle, sweat-drenched, windswept hair Nic Cage as Lance Armstrong. A story this insane and sweeping deserves an equality epic leading man.

[Photo: Getty Images]