Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Joe Francis’s Wife Allegedly Bails A Month Into Marriage

In news that should surprise absolutely nobody, reportedly Joe Francis’s wife Christina McLarty has moved out of the home she shares with the Girls Gone Wild mogul, ostensibly after she rolled over one day and realized that she was married to Joe Francis. Though Francis’s rep denied earlier this week that the couple had split, sources reported to RadarOnline that McLarty is now living with her mother. Wow, we do not envy Christina the gauntlet of relatives, friends and random strangers lining up to tell her “I told you so.” We mean, they undoubtedly told her so. But still.

Though there hasn’t been any official statement about the break-up, Francis reportedly opened up about the couple’s problems over Christmas. “He was talking about the details of the separation openly while at the Kardashian holiday party. Christina moved out a bit after Thanksgiving,” a source claimed. The couple wed the first week of November after dating for four years, which makes their marriage approximately one month longer than we would have possibly imagined. If we had to guess, we’d assume Francis is currently drowning his sorrows in the wet t-shirts of America’s youth. Sometimes you have to bury yourself in work to get through this kind of terrible news. 

by (@hallekiefer)

Ashton Kutcher Gets Ripped For The Apocalypse

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This isn’t the first time we’ve had a panic attack after reading Men’s Fitness, though usually it’s over the state of our ever-expanding gut, not Ashton Kutcher’s Apocalyptic predictions. “It won’t take very much, I’m telling you. It will not take much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle,” Kutcher predicts, as if that’s a normal thing to say in a magazine interview. We can only imagine the hell that’s going to break loose if Twitter ever shuts down. Ashton is going to start driving a tank through the streets of L.A. within the hour.

Kutcher, however, is not merely concerned with the end of the world; he’s also determined to get totally huge in the meantime. “All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the end of days. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I care about,” Kutcher explains. So Ashton can rescue Demi Moore after society collapses and take his t-shirt off at the beach? This Armageddon fitness program has something for everybody! [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Reese Witherspoon Is Engaged!

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Ugh, will these celebrity holiday engagements never end?!?! Just kidding, you know we squealed loud enough to shatter glass when we found out that Reese Witherspoon is engaged to boyfriend Jim Toth. Rumors had been swirling that Toth went to Jared’s, but it wasn’t until today that Reese’s rep confirmed that the two are officially getting hitched. “They are extremely happy,” her rep said. Put away your grandmother’s vases; we feel some more shrieks coming on.

Toth and Witherspoon have been dating since January 2010 following her break-up from Jake Gyllenhaal. Even more adorably, not only does Reese love Jim, her kids do, too. “Ava and Deacon are happy with him,” a source confirms. The image of Reese’s kids as a little flower girl and ring bearer is making us hyperventilate from too much cuteness. We’re just going to put our heads down for a while while you guys bask in the couple’s happy hand-holding. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Nicki Minaj Fantasizes About Tim Burton. Being In His Movies, That Is.

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We already see Nicki Minaj in our dreams; why not on the big screen as well? In an interview with King, Nicki talks about her acting aspirations, which are temporarily on hold until she gets done destroying the rap game. “I’d like to play someone in a Tim Burton movie, where I get dressed up and painted and crazy,” Minaj revealed. It’s almost time for a Edward Scissorhand remake, right? If Nicki still has the claws she wore in Ludacris’s “My Chick Bad” video, Tim can basically start shooting tomorrow.

Not that Minaj would just settle for the emo stylings of the Beetle Juice director. “Then I want to be able to do some action stuff, like Angelina Jolie…And then I’d like to just play a regular girl who, you know, is facing the world. Something really sentimental and organic, that girls all around the world can identify with. You know, how Jada Pinkett Smith did in Jason’s Lyric.” Or let’s just re-make Jason’s Lyric, since no one remembers it at all (sorry, Jada!). Frankly we’re ready to re-shoot the whole Criterion Collection if it means we get to see more Nicki. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Rupert Everett Blasts Jennifer Aniston’s “Tasteless Rom-Coms”

Somebody’s snarking on Jennifer Aniston, and surprisingly its not about her empty womb or lack of a man-friend. In an interview with BBC4, actor Rupert Everett criticized Jennifer Aniston’s “tasteless rom-coms.” Everett wasn’t really concerned that The Bounty Hunter was so terrible it sent 75% of its viewing audience into a coma; instead he wondered how Jen can keep making putrid movies like The Switch and still get cast in major motion pictures. “Okay, something will go wrong. Like Jennifer Aniston will just have one too many total flops. But she’s still a member of that club. And she will still manage to — like a star forming in the universe — a whole lot of things swirling around and suddenly solidifying into yet another vital tasteless romcom: a little glitter next to the Crab Nebula,” Everett complained. We love Jen, but we agree: girlfriend must have made a deal with the Devil to be starring in anything more dramatically challenging than Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch.

Rupert is nothing if not out-spoken, and he is more than willing to also call out Hollywood for what he as a gay actor sees as a hetero bias. “Show business is ideally suited for heterosexuals… It’s a very heterosexual business. It’s run mostly by heterosexual men… and I think the position of women in show business is quite difficult.” Particularly if you’re Jennifer Aniston, we guess. Though with all the jokes about her Cathy-like dating history, maybe an insult aimed at her acting ability will seem like a nice change of pace!

by (@hallekiefer)

Kelly Osbourne Accuses Ex Of Sleeping With “Hundreds” Of Men And Women

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We here at TheFABlife would never, ever, ever condone infidelity of any kind. That being said, if you’re going to cheat, we say go big or go home. After breaking up with him this past summer, Kelly Osbourne insulted ex Luke Worrell on Twitter on Christmas after some particularly slimy rumors emerged about him. Some of the tweets have since been deleted, but Osbourne did not hold back her opinions about her former fiance. “Luke Worrall is the biggest piece of s—. He has been trying to get back with me. I only came home for Christmas to see him, meanwhile he has been f—ing hundreds of girls, as well as men, behind my back,” Kelly raged. That is truly heinous, but at the same time…Worrell must have incredible time-management skills.

“I think the best part of this situation is that I have been painted out 2 be the crazy 1 when all I did was tell the honest to gods truth,” Osbourne complained after her onslaught. Honey, don’t you know there is no way to not look crazy while engaging in a Twitter fight? Take a look at the past two years of Courtney Loves life and you’ll see what we mean. “Dont think I have ever felt so stupid he made a fool of me going to be off Twitter for a while never felt heart brake like this in my life,” Osbourne tweeted today. Quitting Twitter isn’t the way to get revenge, Kelly! Just get out that phone book and start lining up dates for the new year. Two can play at this slutty game! [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Rihanna And Matt Kemp Throw In The Towel

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Time for our girl RiRi to ring in the new year with a new man, now that the Rihanna and Matt Kemp break-up rumors seem to be confirmed. “It happened over the last few weeks. She basically was just over it,” said a source. Look Matt, Rihanna didn’t sing “Only Girl (In The World)just because it sounded amazing. She also meant every word of it.

The break-up was far from one-sided, though; the L.A. Dodger’s outfielder was apparently exhausted by all the Frequent Flyer miles he was racking up. “He just can’t keep up with her crazy travel schedule. Matt’s sick of always following after her like a puppy dog all over the world. He wants something more normal,” an insider reports. Personally, we would hide in Rihanna’s checked luggage if it meant we could watch an episode of Arrested Development with her, but maybe that’s just us. “It was never as serious as it looked. It was always just [about] having fun,” added the source. And when it comes to having fun, we’re positive that Rihanna’s 2011 will be like a trip to space camp and Sea World combined.  [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Lily Allen Joins The Holiday Engagement Parade

We definitely thought we had heard silver bells on Friday. Turns out they were actually wedding bells for the approximately 1 billion celebrity couples getting engaged over the holidays, which now includes Lily Allen‘s engagement to boyfriend Sam Cooper. Cooper reportedly took a knee while the couple were vacationing in Bali on Christmas Day. “Lily is absolutely beaming and emotional at the same time,” said a source close to the couple. The pair was so excited, they immediately started telling their fellow vacationers the happy news. Some children get to wake up to the magical sound of reindeer hoofs on the roof, others to singer-songwriter Lily Allen pounding on their hotel room door to show off her rock.

2010 was a particularly hard year for Allen, who suffered from her second miscarriage in November. The first was in 2007 with then-boyfriend Ed Simons of The Chemical Brothers. “She had no idea Sam was going to propose and said ‘Yes’ instantly. He’s been her rock for her since the couple lost their baby and she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him,” said the source. We wish the happy couple all the luck in the world, and look forward to January 2 when we won’t have to be repeatedly reminded of our singledom by famous people in love. At least until February 14, that is.

by (@hallekiefer)

Lea Michele Blows Off True Grit‘s Hailee Steinfeld

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Lea Michele has always seemed like sort of a diva, but lately she’s coming across like the villain in an ’80s teen movie. According to an interview in J-14 magazine, Lea Michele blew off True Grit’s Hailee Steinfeld’s autograph request. Explained Hailey, “When I was auditioning for True Grit, I was on the Paramount lot. I was wearing clothes from the 1800s that were big and uncomfortable. Glee also films on the lot and I love the show, but I haven’t really followed it. I saw Lea Michele just walking to her trailer and I was like, ‘That’s the girl from Glee. I’ve got to go ask for her autograph!’ So I walked up to her and asked for her autograph, but she walked by and a guy came and said, ‘Sorry, now’s not a good time!’” We’re hoping Lea sincerely didn’t hear Hailee speak, because it takes a heart of ice-cold stone to ignore a little cowgirl with a pen and piece of paper.

Hailee, however, apparently doesn’t resent Michele for her supreme diva-ishness. “So I had to walk all the way back to the car wearing what I was wearing. I was practically crying on the way home. I was so sad! But she’s beautiful and she has an amazing voice,” Hailee said. This story is like something you’d submit to Seventeen’s Traumarama, except instead of falling on your butt during the pep rally, you end up sobbing in front of Matt Damon while wearing chaps. You’re on our list, Lea.

by (@hallekiefer)

Coco Apologizes For Accidentally Stealing Jimmy Kimmel’s Rudolph Joke

It takes a strong man to admit he’s wrong, but it takes an even stronger one to admit that he might have accidentally ripped off Jimmy Kimmel. Earlier today Conan O’Brien apologized for copying Jimmy Kimmel’s Rudolph video in a web-exclusive message he posted to his TeamCoco site. While both bits involved Sarah Palin gunning down the beloved Christmas icon, Coco’s video aired this past Wednesday and Jimmy’s video premiered two weeks ago. In all honesty, Conan could do a entire word-for-word reenactment of Wayne’s World and we wouldn’t care, but it is nice of him to clear the air.

Conan’s version of Rudolph’s untimely demise has since been removed from the show’s website, but Jimmy’s Kimmel Kartoon is still viewable online. What do you think? Is this case of unintentional plagiarism, or just a really easy joke? Given that former Governor Palin did shoot a reindeer on her reality show Sarah Palin’s Alaska, and has proudly talked about devouring delicious caribou and moose, we’re going to assume it’s the latter. More importantly, would Sarah Palin eat Rudolph if given the opportunity and/or proper ammunition? Our guess is: probably.