Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Happy Holidays From The Addams Family! We Mean, The Kardashians!

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We are seriously torn about the Kardashian’s new Christmas card. On the one hand, we will defend any extended family’s right to be as fabulous as they want to be, no matter what time of the year it is. On the other hand, they look like a community theater cast of Clue that might have actually killed someone. Can the grandmas and co-workers of the world handle a holiday card filled with so many divas?

Gushes Khloe about the picture, “Christmas cards have always been a REALLY big deal in my family. For as long as I can remember, my mom has made it a point to go all out, whether it was a ninja turtles themed card, or bringing a Santa into the mix, each year she always managed to top the year before. I’d have to say though that our card this year might be my favorite. It turned out beautifully — just SO glam! Plus, Mason is in it, which makes it even more special.” Okay, we’ve finally decided how we feel about this: we’re on board! Leave the dumpy sweaters and reindeer antlers for the commoners. This year, the Kardashians are bringing a big Crock-Pot full of fierce to the holiday potluck, and there’s plenty to go around! [Photo: Khloe Kardashian's Blog]

by (@hallekiefer)

Joel Madden Blindsided By Wedding Elephant

We were already a little iffy about Nicole Richie’s wedding elephant (you can’t tell us that thing didn’t poop EVERYWHERE, you guys), but knowing that Joel Madden didn’t know about the elephant beforehand makes it seem even weirder. “I was like, ‘what?’” said Joel when he first spied the beast. “Then I just laughed- Nicole getting an elephant and not telling me is typical of our relationship.” That’s something you should take to couples counseling, Joel, not brag about to People. Our fiance secretly hiring a circus animal to attend the happiest day of our lives seems like the kind of thing that would give us trust issues.

According to Joel, however, nothing can conquer love, not even a shopping spree at the zoo. Though Madden says he’s usually the “no guy”, he admits “But if there’s one time I want her to have the craziest thing she wants, it’s the day we marry.” That’s drling, though we would still flip out if our beloved pulled anything like that. The only gigantic, stinking animals allowed at our wedding will be those to whom we are directly related, thank you very much.

by (@hallekiefer)

Fergie and Will.I.Am Sued For Sampling George Clinton

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As if their outfits weren’t enough, the Black Eyed Peas have embarrassed themselves in a totally new way. News on the street is that the Black Eyed Peas are being sued by George Clinton of Parliament-Funkadelic fame for sampling his 1979 song “(Not Just) Knee Deep” for remixes of a Peas tune. The suit names Fergie and Will.I.Am, as well as their label, for sampling the Clinton song in a remix of “Shut Up” from their 2003 album “Elephunk,” and on a remix featured on the deluxe addition of their 2009 album “The E.N.D.” Hmm, maybe the lawsuit will inspire Will.I.Am to write a really dark, moody concept album about dealing with the legal system. Oh, and getting crunk, of course.

Unfortunately for the Fergie and the gang, Clinton alleges that they didn’t just use the hook without permission, which would have been a jerk move in and of itself. No, the singer says that when producers tried to obtain rights to use the song in 2009, he expressly turned them down. On top of that, Clinton says his signature was forged on the release form and he has never seen a dime in the form of payment. Let’s hope the Peas don’t have beef with all of the artists they’ve sampled, or else they’ll be sued approximately 1 billion times. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Diddy Called Out On The View For Having 6 Kids With 3 Women

You can’t see it, but we are fanning our faces with both hands, trying calm down after seeing Barbara Walters call Diddy out on The View for have six children with three different women. While Diddy Dirty Money was on to hype their new album Last Train To Paris, Barbara wanted to find out why Diddy hasn’t settled down with any of his baby mamas Misa Hylton-Brim, Kim Porter or Sarah Chapman, eventually blurting, “What’s your trouble?” It is so horrifying uncomfortable to watch. It’s like your Grandma asking you why you aren’t married in front of your entire family, except it’s on TV and Joy Behar is leaning over her shoulder, giggling.

Diddy handles his business though, getting over his initial shock to explain, “The reason of it, why I’m not married yet, I don’t have the exact reason…I know I haven’t been ready…My father was killed when I was three years old, and my mother was a very strong woman, and she just said, I love your father and I’m not going to have no other man around…But on the flip side, I never got the chance to see the way a family lives. But I’m not giving you an excuse. I’m just giving you my background.” Seriously, what other explanation did Walters expect? “Why, I just hate condoms, Barbara!” Please, nobody wants to see Elisabeth Hasselbeck having an aneurysm on camera.

by (@hallekiefer)

Charlie Sheen Cleared Of Criminal Charges Surrounding Coke-Fueled Hotel Room Trashing

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Apparently when Charlie Sheen scoffed “A guy has one bad night and everyone goes insane, panics,” he meant everyone but the NYPD. Earlier today, Charlie Sheen was cleared of criminal charges stemming from that October 25 hotel room trashing, when we all learned more than we wanted to about how Charlie conducts his personal life. Following the incident Sheen’s companion for the evening, porn star Capri Anderson, pressed charges against the actor, alleging that Sheen held her against her will on their room at the Plaza Hotel while on a drug-fueled rant. Or as Charlie might put it, “literally every Monday night.”

Sheen was also not charged at any point with cocaine use or ransacking his hotel room, despite the fact that he did so much of both. Sheen then went back to his role on Two And A Half Men, where he is allowed to interact with a child and be broadcast into millions of decent people’s homes. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Natalie Portman Talks Depression, Weight Gain While At Harvard

While being interviewed by Vogue, Golden Globe nominee Natalie Portman opened up about depression and weight-gain while she was in college at Harvard. “I gained my freshman fifteen or 20 and had superdepressed moments. That Cambridge winter is tough. It was important to know how to go through that and how to get myself out of it. You start learning how to ask your friends or professionals for help, or go to mentors,” Natalie revealed. Now that our Seasonal Affective Disorder has kicked in, it’s a good reminder that if someone as gorgeous and successful as Natalie Portman gets depressed this time of year, it is clearly all in our heads.

Despite the insane demands put on her by playing a nearly skeletal ballerina in Black Swan (and just working in Hollywood in general), Portman somehow manages to be semi-normal about eating. “I swear, I eat. I ate a bagel an hour ago. I consume my own weight in hummus every day. I cook a lot, and I even do vegan baking. I like pleasure, I like joy. I’d never get to the point where I would starve or injure myself like [my character] Nina does. I’m the opposite—when I’m hungry, I eat, and I always make sure I’m eating something delicious.” Maybe cut back on that hummus by a couple gallons so your stomach doesn’t explode, Natalie, but other than that, we’re glad to hear it!

by (@hallekiefer)

Ryan Reynolds And Scarlett Johansson Are Splitting Up?!?!

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In news that leaves us unexpectedly devastated, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting divorced. But..but…but we picked them for the Hottest Baby Ever Made pool! They can’t bail on us now! Reports suggest that the couple’s busy acting schedules are behind the split, which Johansson apparently initiated. “The big problem with their relationship is the distance. They spent a lot of time apart when they are working…She’s been unhappy for a while,” says a source close to the couple. “After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage,” said the couple in the statement. “We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Johansson and Reynolds have allegedly been separated for two weeks, the break-up coming two years after their wedding in September 2008. Rumors swirled earlier this fall that the marriage was on the rocks when Ryan declined to make a cameo while Johansson hosted SNL, but were easy to dismiss since the couple seemed so happy otherwise. The fact that Scarlett forgot Ryan from her Tony acceptable speech doesn’t look good in retrospect, either. We are honestly way more depressed by this news than we ever thought possible. We mean, once you’ve loved the hottest man/woman alive, where is there to go…but down?

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by (@hallekiefer)

Justin Bieber Cleared Of Charges In Assault Case

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You mess with the Bieb, you get the…um…sweet smile and adorable wink? In case there was any question in your mind, Justin Bieber has been cleared of criminal charges stemming from an incident in which a 12-year-old boy claimed Bieber punched in him the face at a Canadian arcade. “This investigation into the incident is now complete and no charges will be forwarded as the evidence collected [doesn't] support doing so,” said Corporal Turley of the Richmond Royal Canadian Mounted Police, suggesting that Justin Bieber has officially become so charming, he has gained total control over the Mounties.

Initially Justin was accused of the crime on October 15 at the Planet Lazer Entertainment Center in Richmond, British Columbia. Evidence quickly came out, however, that his tiny accuser had been bullying Bieber with homophobic slurs. You might think being heckled by a seventh-grader when you’re a high-school-age pop star wouldn’t be so intimidating. If so, you have clearly never been to Canada. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jessica Alba Denies Making Anti-Screenwriter Comments, We Step Away From The Haterade

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We’re not going to lie; we may have let our inner hater show a little bit last month when Jessica Alba told Elle that “good actors never use the script, they just make stuff up as they go along.” Ugh, that just sounds so dumb! However, Alba has come forward to clarify that her so-called-quote was, well, made-up by the interviewer as she went along. “That wasn’t true. Just so it’s clear, films don’t even get made and nothing ever gets a green light unless there’s great material. That’s always a #1 thing before you can get a director, actors or a studio even interested in anything.” Thanks for the quick lesson in Film Making 101, Jessica! We’re pretty sure everyone on the planet was aware of that movies need screenplays except for, you know, you.

Alba places the blame squarely on Elle for making her sound like a complete diva. “There was an article written recently where I was completely and totally paraphrased and things were taken out of context and mushed together. It was a four-hour interview that got condensed into a page and a half for a fashion magazine.” Alright, Alba, we guess we’ll put our claws away for now. But if you think we are going to be this nice after we see Spy Kids 4: All The Time In The World, oh man, you should think again. [Photp: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Miley Was A Bullying Mean Girl, Her Best Friend Claims

Miley has been a bad, bad girl, and this time it’s not even salvia and/or nudity related! According to Miley’s best childhood friend Nicole Mullen-Holm, during middle school Miley Cyrus bullied other kids with homophobic and fat-hating slurs. “Miley is a liar who bullied girls and was a real b—- to everyone,” Nicole reports. And you though Billy Ray was disappointed before!

In her memoir Miles to Go (the title of which is so terrible, it basically qualifies as bullying), Cyrus claimed that she was the one who was the target of other cruel kids. “The girls took it beyond normal bullying. These were big, tough girls. I was scrawny and short. They were fully capable of doing me bodily harm,” Miley wrote. That’s not how Mullen-Holm remembers it, though. “Miley became so mean, I remember her shouting at an overweight girl calling her ‘lesbian’ and ‘d–e.’ Miley was a cheerleader and was with the ‘in’ crowd. She was never bullied in elementary or middle school. If anyone even touched her it would have been the end of the world. Her dad would own the school!” Hmmm, sounds like one of these girls must have been hitting the bong pretty hard to come up with their version of the story. Any guesses as to which one?