Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

T.I. Says Prison Is Making Him “Smarter,” Drops Album From Behind Bars

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We were angry about our student loans before; we’re furious now that T.I. says prison is making him smarter. And we’re over here getting our master’s degree, like a chump! “The longer I sit, the smarter I get,” the rapper wrote in a letter posted to T.I.’s website. Despite the whole jail thing, T.I. is starting to look like a brainiac to us. Not only is he releasing an album while incarcerated, he also snagged such monster guests as Kanye West, Kid Cudi and Christina Aguilera. Says T.I.,”It does’nt [sic] matter how long it’ll be before the next time you see me. What matters is that I’ll be a better man before that time comes.” As of now T.I. has only served 2 of his 11-month sentence. So think what a genius he’ll be by next summer!

Not that jail time has been easy, of course. In response to his fans’ well-wishes, T.I. asks, “How do you tell God Almighty that all you wanna do is LIVE LIFE ???  What if all you wanna do is be a father to your kids, a husband to your wife, and son to your mother.” We guess…don’t carry around drugs? Or illegal guns? Or violate your probation for said guns by possessing drugs? Really, any of those seem like an excellent place to start. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Khloe Kardashian Compares Airport Security To Public Rape

Ho boy. Look, we know everybody’s been up in arms about the TSA making passengers get patted down or sent through a full-body scan. But is it really going help anything to hear that, according to Khloe Kardashian, airport security is just like being raped? While chatting with George Lopez last night, Kardashian described her traumatic encounter with an aggressive security employee, claiming, “They are basically just raping you in public.” So why not go through the full-body scan, girl? “I don’t want that X-ray to see everything, honey,” explained Khloe. Hmmm…which is worse, groped or nude? Either way, no amount of complimentary beverages in the world is going to make us feel less weirded out.

Still, how bad could it be to get felt up by security? “They say, ‘OK, I’m going to be patting you down and I’m going to be touching the crease of your ass.’ That is so inappropriate,” said Khloe. Yeah, inappropriate is one word for it. Also “horrifying.” Looks like we better start walking to our parents’ house now if we want to get there by Christmas!

by (@hallekiefer)

Justin Timberlake’s Busted Leg Shuts Down Production Of New Thriller

We always knew that Justin Timberlake was awesome at plenty of things besides being a singer. Being an athlete, it turns out, is not one of them. Or that’s what we’re guessing from the news that Justin Timberlake’s stunt injury shut down production of his new movie for 2 weeks. The film Now, a thriller co-starring Olivia Wilde, Amanda Seyfried and Big Bang Theory’s Johnny Galecki, is set in a future distopia where time is traded as a currency—which everyone is going to wish they had more of after Timberlake puts them 2 weeks behind.

Justin was crutching around last week, as he tries to heal from having damaged his calf muscle during filming. “He hasn’t heard anything about the MRI results, but they’re freezing production until he’s off crutches and able to act again,” says a source. Guess you can’t just have Justin sit down for the entire movie with one leg up. Unless his shirt was off, in which case probably no one would even notice.

by (@hallekiefer)

Angelina Jolie Would Never Get Plastic Surgery (But It’s Okay For Us Uggos!)

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Sure, Angelina Jolie might occasionally get called a home wrecker, but if somebody’s going to steal your man, it should at least be the most gorgeous woman on the planet, right? And according to Angelina Jolie, plastic surgery has not nor will it ever be part of her beauty regimen…meaning all that hotness is natural. “I haven’t had anything done and I don’t think I will,” Jolie told an interviewer from the Daily Mail. As reluctant as we are to believe her, pics from Jolie’s modeling days suggest she’s telling the truth. Still, some small part of us was hoping Jolie would reveal she’d looked like Sasquatch before she ponied up for massive plastic surgery. But that’d be too much to ask, wouldn’t it, Universe?

While Angie is content to maintain her beauty by washing her face before bed with unicorn tears and angel kisses, she heartily supports fuglies going under the knife if they want to. “But if it makes somebody happy then that’s up to them. I’m not in somebody else’s skin to know what makes them feel better about themselves. But I don’t plan to do it myself,” Jolie explained. If we were in somebody else’s skin, we would hope it would be Angelina’s. Hey, maybe we can trade skins! A word of caution: this one leaks. A lot. [Photo: Getty]

by (@hallekiefer)

James Franco Got His Bad Boy Start Stealing Bottles Of Cologne

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It turns out James Franco wasn’t born with many leather-bound books and an apartment smelling like rich mahogany, like we had believed. While appearing on a new episode Inside The Actor’s Studio, James Franco admitted to getting up to some trouble as a tween. Or to put it another way, Franco owned and operated the black market at his middle school. “I guess my life of crime started by stealing cologne,” Franco explains, which undoubtedly made host James Lipton’s beard pop right off his skull. Only Franco could make filching things from the mall seem seem sexy. It started with cologne, now he’s stealing hearts, movie roles, your girlfriend and/or boyfriend…

Says the 127 Hours actor, “We’d keep them [cologne sample bottles] in the locker, in our gym locker at school and we’d sell some from the lockers.” Franco also discusses also working at a McDonald’s after dropping out of college his first time around, where at “the drive-through window…I would practice accents.” See, maybe the guy who sold stuff out of his gym locker and worked at McDonald’s from your junior high will turn out to be a Golden Globe winner! But almost certainly he won’t. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Is Kim Kardashian Pregnant With Kanye’s Baby?!?!

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Just when you think you’re not going to get through your Monday alive, rumors start popping up that allegedly Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s baby. Woo, that’s better than a cup of coffee! According to Media Take Out, “(We) spoke with a person VERY CLOSE to Kim Kardashian this morning. And according to them, Kim is PREGNANT!! Kim has been seeing Kanye off and on for years now. But this summer, they [hooked up] five or six times. Kanye told her that he didn’t want anything serious, but Kim really likes him.” Imma let you finish, but KIM IS ALLEGEDLY GOING TO HAVE ONE OF THE BEST BABIES OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!

If he or she exists, of course. We’ve heard rumors about Kanye and Kim dating before, but could a little egomanical bun really be in Kim’s oven? According the source close to Kardashian, reportedly “Kim is being very secretive about everything. She calls him almost non-stop and wants to know what she should do.” Hmmm, as much as we want this to be true, it seems like the kind of rumor we shouldn’t believe until that baby is out of the womb and twittering. We’ll reserve @LittleBabyKanyeKardashian just to be sure! [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Michelle Williams Packed On 15 Lbs Due To Her Character’s “Self-Hatred”

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Ugh, would you look at those heifers?! Just kidding! These two are so gorgeous and perfect, it’s like we died and woke up in Beautiful People Heaven. Apparently while shooting their new film Blue Valentine, Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams got into some pretty fierce competition to see who could pack on the most pounds…and Michelle won! “She gained about 15, 16 pounds. He gained 14,” said Blue Valentine director, Derek Cianfrance. “Michelle was eating a pint of ice cream for breakfast and dinner and avocado sandwiches all day. She wanted to do it. She talked about her character having a certain self-hatred.” Clearly! Why else would you eat delicious ice cream morning, noon and night if it wasn’t because you hated yourself? Or because you love ice cream?

So how did someone with the bone structure of a wood nymph gain another 1/5 of her body weight? “She ate that [Purely] Decadent stuff made with coconut milk. Supposedly the coconut milk, the oil, has a lot of fat in it, and it’s hard for your body to break it down.” Oh, so maybe her character really did hate herself. We’d personally have to lose a lot of self-esteem before we switched over to eating coconut fat. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Mila Kunis Saw Justin Timberlake’s “Bits And Pieces” During “Uncomfortable” Sex Scene

It’s out of the lesbian hate sex frying pan of Black Swan and into awkward rom-com fire of Friends With Benefits for Mila Kunis, who must burn through merkins like Danica Patrick burns through spare tires. On Ellen today, we got an earful about Mila and Justin Timberlake’s Friends With Benefits sex scene, and it sounds…painfully awkward. “I love him. He’s adorable!” Kunis gushed about co-star Timberlake, but then admitted that the two “got to have very uncomfortable scenes for two weeks” when they had to get down to bidness in front of the camera.

But wasn’t so much the fake boning that weirded Mila out as it was the peanut gallery staring at them while they filmed it. “I mean, regardless there’s like 150 crew men watching and you see each other’s bits and pieces,” said Mila. When it comes to Justin Timberlake, we personally would accept any bit, piece or other teeny little scrap that came our way. “The whole thing is just wrong,” complained Kunis. Ah, but is it wrong that getting it on with Justin Timberlake in front of 150 burly Teamsters is now one of our top fantasies? It is? Awesome.

by (@hallekiefer)

Bob Saget Fondly Recalls Diapering The Olsen Twins

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Full House’s Danny Tanner will always be our ideal sitcom dad, but jokes about how Bob Saget diapered the Olsen Twins when they were infants is really damaging the fantasy. Praising Mary-Kate and Ashley as “incredibly loving and generous,” Bob then reminisces “The joke I have with them is that I diapered them. They were three months old and doing the show and I also had a baby and there was a time when I knew how to diaper them really quickly. Of course, I had permission.” We don’t care if he had written permission from President Ronald Reagan, this still makes us super uncomfortable. Meanwhile, we’re sure the Olsens are just thrilled that their TV dad is bragging about helping with their diaper rash.

When asked if minded that he’ll be remembered primarily for his signature dad role, Saget argued “I don’t know if that’s true. What happens if I explode on the street and they say it’s ‘American’s Funniest Death’? It could be the video show or it could be a new show.” Well…it’ll probably be that exploding thing, if that actually happens. Sure, we all loved ABC’s TGIF line-up, but being splattered with exploding-person parts would make some serious headlines. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Josh Duhamel Kicked Off Plane For Refusing To Turn Off His BlackBerry

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Sometime it’s a fine line between bad boy and douchebag, but that line was erased yesterday when Josh Duhamel got kicked off a plane for refusing to shut off his BlackBerry. According to sources, Duhamel was “very rude”, “taunting the attendant” after being asked three times to shut off his phone for take-off. See, we were always under the impression that having a cell phone on would make the plane plummet out of the sky. Hmmm, or maybe that’s just something we saw in Soul Plane

The flight already delayed, other passengers had to spend even more time flipping through SkyMall as the pilot returned the plane to the gate and two officers escorted Duhamel off the flight. Fergie’s husband was reportedly on his way from New York’s LaGuardia airport to Kentucky when he decided to act the fool. According to Josh’s rep, the Transformers star was texting about his flight being delayed and that “He’s sorry.” We’d be sorry too, if we ended up on a 12-hour bus ride to Louisville. [Photo: Splash News Online]