Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Khloe Kardashian “Disgusted” She Lost Her V-Card At 14 To An Older Man

In case you had any lingering questions about how Khloe Kardashian lost her virginity, the Kardashian sister spilled the beans on The View yesterday, saying she lost her v-card to an 18-year-old man…when she was just 14. “Looking back, I think that’s not a normal thing,” Khloe reasoned. Um, you think? We’ve seen episodes of To Catch A Predator that were less creepy than that. Khloe even says she felt sort of “conned” by the guy. Explained Khloe, “Well, not conned, but persuaded, because he was older and I felt I wouldn’t be accepted or cool or whatever.” Seriously, where is Chris Hansen when you need him?!?!?

After the two slept together, “I felt so disgusted with myself,” Khloe admits. “I stopped talking to him and actually didn’t have sex for three years after that because I knew I was young and I knew I wasn’t ready.” We’re glad Khloe did the right thing for her. Now she’s Lamar Odom’s wife, and the other guy is probably getting offered iced tea by an actress disguised as a 13-year-old as we speak. Then BAM! Creep gets Hansen’d.

by (@hallekiefer)

Some Day, Somehow Beyonce Is Going To Learn To Cook, Says Tina Knowles

beyonceandtinasplash

Since we’re all on our way to our families’ house to celebrate Thanksgiving/get grilled about our life choices, it’s sort of reassuring to know that, yes, you could be Beyonce and your mom would still find something to make a comment about. When it comes to her daughter’s accomplishments Tina Knowles could not be more thrilled. Well, she could be a little more thrilled, since according to Tina Knowles, Beyonce can’t cook.

Says Tina, “Cooking is the one thing she hasn’t gotten into. She hasn’t mastered [it], but I’m sure she’ll be a good cook once she makes up her mind.” Yeah, once she makes up her mind to do something important for a change! We for one think Beyonce should just just keep having her personal chef make her meals; he would just be a waste of money if she didn’t. Besides, wouldn’t it be nearly impossible for Bee to cook without knocking one of her 16 Grammys into the sauce pan? Those things must be everywhere!

So is Jay-Z going to have to choke down dry turkey and bland stuffing at a Carter-Knowles dinner this year? Reveals Tina, “They’re actually out of the country, so it’s going to be different, but it’ll be good. They’re getting their own tradition – so we have to let go.” We agree with that Tina. Let go, and let Beyonce eat lasagna or pad thai or whatever other kind of food she herself did not make, in peace. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Terminator 2 Star Edward Furlong Ordered To Stay Away From Wife

edwardfurlongwenn

Even though Christian Bale blew it big time in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, we thought we’d have at least one John Connor who wouldn’t ruin our childhood memories with his knock-off Batman voice. Unfortunately, our youthful innocent is being tainted in a completely different and horrible way as news emerges that Los Angeles authorities have issued Terminator 2′s Edward Furlong a restraining order to stay away from wife Rachel Kneeland. Though rumors of Edward Furlong’s divorce from his actress wife popped up over a year ago, the couple is inexplicably still only separated. You know how you have paper work you’re always meaning to do, and you keep forgetting, then all of a sudden you have to get a restraining order against your spouse? Let this be a lesson to us all.

The 3-year restraining order came after Kneeland reported to authorities that Furlong drove past her home incessantly and refused to take a drug-test before seeing their kid. Ho boy. That news, combined with the fact that Furlong has basically morphed into a broke-down Pee-wee Herman, is pretty much the most terrifying thing we could possibly imagine. The order states that Furlong cannot contact his wife via email or telephone, own any handguns, or consume alcohol or drugs 12 hours prior to his visitations with the couple’s son Ethan. Though you know what they say about restraining orders: if you need one, there’s probably not much hope you’re actually going to listen to one. Because you are super crazy. [Photo: Wire Image]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jessica Simpson Not Happy About Carving Up The Tofurkey This Thanksgiving

This year, Jessica Simpson’s vegan Thanksgiving plans with fiance Eric Johnson mark the first Turkey Day the two will have spent together as a couple…as well as the first where Jessica didn’t get to tear into a warm, delicious turkey like a rabid raccoon. While on Jimmy Fallon’s show last night, Simpson complained, “After getting out of the NFL, [Eric] went to this healer and is very healthy. For Thanksgiving we have to make a Tofurkey! It doesn’t sound right! It’s gonna be jiggly and weird.” Jeez, Jessica, just suffer through one day of tofu and you can go back to normal, non-jiggly meat foods. Like hot dogs. Besides, there’s always vegan pie. Just eat 12 slices. We’ll be doing that anyway, and we’re not even vegan!

Simpson also explained that where she’s from, “veganism” actually translates into “bacon on the side, please.” While Jessica admits “when [Eric] cooks vegan, it’s good,” she explains,”I’m from Texas – I’d fry a steak. We eat all casseroles and giblets!” We hope the happy couple has a great holiday, but even more than that we hope Jessica enjoys her first Thanksgiving meal where one of her relatives’ hearts doesn’t burst like a water balloon from a massive giblet overdose.

by (@hallekiefer)

As Soon As That Baby Drops, Pink Is Taking Her On The Road

62571830

Let’s hope they make teeny, tiny, infant-sized acrobatic harnesses, because according to Pink, pregnancy is a beautiful thing…if you’re looking to add a new bassist. Says the madre-to-be, “As soon as the baby can say ‘mama,’ I’m going on the road. We are going to be a traveling family gypsy band with garlands in our hair.” It’ll be like the Partridge Family, but with more swearing and bottle-smashing! Or less. We don’t know; we weren’t there.

Though the singer and her man-mate Carey Hart don’t know for sure if they’re carrying a little soprano or a little baritone, Pink’s doctor may have already put in the deciding vote. Exclaims Pink, “I’m terrified because she thinks it’s a girl! My mom has always wished me a daughter just like me. I’m terrified one of us will go to jail.” Anyone else think a little Pink baby would basically look like a smaller, less filthy Ke$ha? It’s a seriously terrifying thought. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Ke$ha’s Ideal Man? A Homeless Lumberjack Holding A Bag Of Quarters

62532286

AKA, exactly what you’d think Ke$ha’s boyfriend would be like. Throw a fetish for spare change on top of it, and you have…well, you still have the kind of weird ish we assumed girlfriend would be into. You might think we already know everything we’d want to know about Ke$ha’s dating life (Ugh, sorry), but in her new Complex interview, Ke$ha explains her ideal man is “Like a big bearded guy with a bag of quarters. I think it’s some weird pirate fantasy that was unfulfilled in a past lifetime.” Right, because when historians use the term “pirate,” they actually mean “unkempt hipster with a sandwich baggie full of coins.”

But what else, the interviewer asks, would he have to have to win Ke$ha’s heart, besides a Paul Bunyan face and enough money to purchase a pack of Ramen? “You would also have to have a big dick, and I don’t really know anything about that. Then you’re probably good to go.” So just to be clear, all you need to be Ke$ha’s ideal man is: a disgusting, matted face rug, bus fare, and a giant wiener. Though we’re going to go ahead and assume she’d be willing to settle for just the quarters. Possibly the wiener. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Mila Kunis On Her Extreme Black Swan Weight Loss: “All You Saw Was Bone”

eli-mila-kunisgetty

Black Swan, the holiday film we’ve all been waiting for, is coming out next week and to get you ready, here’s more upsetting news about Mila Kunis’s Black Swan weight loss. Though Mila’s spoken about their punishing ballet routines before, now she admits that weeks of intense practice drove her weight down to a minuscule 95 lbs. Meaning she lost, what, three pounds? We gained that much just looking at pictures of pie online this morning.

Says Kunis, “My mom freaked out, She was like, ‘You have to promise me this isn’t going to affect you.’ I was like, ‘I promise it won’t, but it might take me a little time to be OK with having a little more fat on me.’” After seeing the toll the movie took on her body, Mila had to admit, “I could see why this industry is so f****d up, because … I would literally look at myself in the mirror and I was like, ‘Oh my God!’ I had no shape, no boobs, no ass … all you saw was the bone. I was like, ‘This looks gross.’” Ew, that’d be like looking in the mirror each morning and seeing a left-over Halloween decoration. Or Rachel Zoe.

However, despite the fact that Mila had the sensual appeal of a coat rack during filming, she claims her Black Swan sex scene with Natalie Portman is still going to everything we hoped for. Says Kunis, “In real life, I looked disgusting, but in photographs and on film, it looked amazing.” The magic of movies! In real life those ladies might look like two broomsticks tumbling around in a cement mixer; on screen they look like $12.50 well-spent (does not include popcorn/soda expenses). [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jessica Alba Says Fantastic Four Movie Almost Made Her Quit Acting. We Were So Close!

Maybe it’s just us, but we love new cranky Jessica Alba. First she complains about her gorgeous body, then she scoffs that “good actors never use the script,” despite having appeared in The Love Guru, which many consider to be a modern-day Casablanca, if Casablanca had been terrible. Now we find out that the world almost lost our angry gem as it’s revealed in her upcoming Elle interview that making Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer almost made Jessica Alba quit acting. Which is fitting, since that’s the film that almost made us give up on going to the movies. Or having eyeballs.

Apparently Jessica’s  fury was unleashed when Silver Surfer director Tim Story tried to keep her from, you know, actually acting. “[The director told me] ‘It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica.’ He was like, ‘Don’t do that thing with your face. Just make it flat. We can CGI the tears in.” That is…deeply messed up. Here we were, thinking movie makers had to draw emotions on Jessica Alba’s face because she was a bad actress. Now she might be terrible, and we have no way of knowing it!

After that incident Alba started to doubt her whole life trajectory. “I’m like, ‘But there’s no connection to a human being.’ And then it all got me thinking: Am I not good enough? Are my instincts and my emotions not good enough? Do people hate them so much that they don’t want me to be a person? Am I not allowed to be a person in my work? And so I just said, ‘F**k it. I don’t care about this business anymore.” Thank god Jessica decided to forge ahead, despite everything. What would we have done without such gems as Good Luck Chuck, Valentine’s Day and Little Fockers? We just hope there’s no backlash against Alba for speaking out like this, or else she’ll have tears streaming down her face for sure. And it won’t take no $32 million budget and a supercomputer to put them there.

by (@hallekiefer)

Do Not Read Prior To Boarding: Leo DiCaprio’s Plane Makes Emergency Landing

leogetty

Warning: do not read this if you are planning to fly this week for Thanksgiving. If you don’t heed our warning, be ready to drop some serious change on a fifteen-hour train ride or leisurely boat trip back to your parents’ house, because word has it that Leo DiCaprio’s plane engine failed, putting the actor and his fellow passengers at risk of crashing. Oh wow, is this what the floor looks like close up? Who knew it was this dirty under our desk?

In a story that makes us literally weak in the knees (and not due to Leo’s quiet masculine charisma), reportedly DiCaprio was on a Delta flight leaving New York’s JFK airport for Moscow when unexpected engine failure required the plane turn around and land in New York. Says his rep, DiCaprio “wishes to commend the actions of the pilot and flight crew in bringing the plane to a safe landing,” just as soon as they can get him to stop hiding in the overhead luggage compartment.

Apparently the Inception star was headed to the Russian Tiger Summit, a four-day conference on tiger extinction headed by Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Hmmm…if we could have pictured anything cuter than future Great Gatsby co-star Carey Mulligan standing next to DiCaprio, tigers would have to be it. After the plane safely touched down,”Leo signed autographs for all the crew members when they landed,” which is a lot classier than what we would have done: screamed, deployed the emergency slide and thrown up all over the tarmac. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Get Ready For Your Heart To Hurt: Jay-Z Shot His Own Brother When He Was 12

Ugh, it’s only Monday and already we are trying not to cry in our cubicle, although suprisingly it’s over an incredibly sad celeb story and not just Taylor Swift’s new bangs. While most of us think of Jay-Z primarily as the talented millionaire who gets to sleep next to our queen Beyonce, the road from his childhood in Brooklyn to international rap superstardom was nowhere near as dreamy.

In an interview with The Guardian, the rapper recently opened up about how at 12, Jay-Z shot his brother Eric after his sibling stole a ring from a tween-age Hova in order to feed his drug addiction. Still know as Shawn Carter, Jay-Z reveals that after the incident, “I thought my life was over. I thought I’d go to jail forever. It was terrible. I was a boy, a child. I was terrified.” If the thought of a little baby Hova dealing with something so horrible doesn’t make your eyes get at least a little misty, you literally aren’t a human being.

Luckily his brother recovered from the injury, never reporting the incident to police and even apologizing to Shawn in the hospital for the effects of his addition. While the interview marks the first time Jay-Z has opened up about the incident, he did write about it on his album “In My Lifetime, Vol. 1″ on the song “You Must Love Me”, in which he raps, “Saw the devil in your eyes, high off more than weed, confused, I just closed my young eyes and squeezed.” Despite the fact while that growing up, he himself was shot three times, Jay-Z believes,”It’s like there was some rogue angel watching over us.” Ugh, why doesn’t this damn cubicle have a door?!?! Now everyone is going to know why our paperwork is all wrinkly with tear stains.