Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Jason Mraz vs The Jonas Brothers In The Cuddliest Cage Match Ever

In a conflict that’s been brewing on the back of middle schoolers’ locker doors for months, finally there is word that a Jason Mraz vs. Jonas Brothers beef is on like Donkey Kong, an epic fight bound to enrage the softest, most tear-stained section of the population. The battle began when  someone  noticed that the Camp Rock 2 song “Introducing Me” sounds oddly similar to Mraz’s “I’m Yours”, which we notices sounds an awful lot like every other Jason Mraz song. Coincidence? We think not.

Says Mraz, “I heard the song, and it was just a tremendous, tremendous horror of a tune.” We agree! Oh wait, you mean the Jonas Brothers song. We still agree! But admits Mraz, “I noticed a few similarities in the melody, but it wasn’t enough to pick up the phone and argue with somebody about it.” Well, when your phone’s  already made of gold with diamond buttons, we guess it’s not that big of a deal.

However, it’s not those millions in Jonas money he’s interested in: “If anything, I just wanted my $1.29 back that I spent on iTunes.” A statement which tells us two things: Jason Mraz is nicer than we may have given him credit for, and he SPENT $1.29 ON A CAMP ROCK 2 SONG. We’re sorry; we mean, invested. He invested in a Camp Rock 2 song.

by (@hallekiefer)

Master Of Great Timing Seth Rogen Proposed While Girlfriend Was Topless

While most prefer to pop the question over a romantic candle-lit dinner, Seth Rogen’s proposal to fiance Lauren Miller came at an even more intimate moment for the couple:  namely, when Lauren was naked from the waist up. On the first episode of Conan O’Brien’s new TBS show last night, Rogen explained that he was seized with a fit of marriage-related passion and ran into the couple’s bedroom to propose, only to realize “She was in our closet, changing, and she was literally only in her underpants.” See, this is why we want to be proposed to on a Jumbotron: it’d be way less likely that our areolas would be visible.

Seth, however, wasn’t about to slam on the breaks once the Engagement Train had pulled out of the station: “I had already kind of started [to propose]. … I didn’t picture it like this, and I know she didn’t picture it like this.” True, most women don’t fantasize about standing in a pile of old socks while an out-of-breath Seth Rogen wheezes, “Will you marry me?” But for the minority of us who do have that image on our vision board? Man, we’d wait topless next to our shoe rack forever if we thought for a second Seth might burst in with a diamond.

So what did Rogen do when he realized he’d already ruined any violin-and-champagne fantasies Lauren might have had? “I figured the only appropriate thing was to place the ring on her nipple, actually,” Seth laughed. Yikes! We’re happy for those two, but they had better hope the internet gets destroyed or something before their grandkids read this story. Sure, it would be an inconvenience to everyone else, but think of the children!

by (@hallekiefer)

Going Up Against Gaga Like “Fighting Jesus” Says Her Boyfriend’s Ex, Though Not As Fierce

Someone get LeAnn Rimes on the phone! There’s man-stealing a’foot and we know she’d want in! In recent dude-snatching news, apperently Lady Gaga’s boyfriend Luc Carl wasn’t just sitting around pining when Gaga sucked him up in her glitter hovercraft and whisked him away. At least not according to his ex actress Alex Stebbins, who claims she and Carl had a “perfect relationship” before he returned to on-again, off-again lovah Gaga.  Says Stebbins, “It was really hard to be with someone who has a really famous ex-girlfriend who would stop at nothing to get him back.” That sounds like the set-up for a really amazing ’80s teen comedy, not someone’s real life!

Says Stebbins, “I wasn’t going to go toe to toe with Lady Gaga, because that’s like fighting Jesus. She’s the most powerful woman in the world, and there’s no winning.” Imagine if you did try to tangle with Gaga though! It would be like an epic battle of good vs evil, except Gaga is both good and evil and you’re just a college junior who was on one episode of Law & Order: SVU. Maybe it’s just us, but if the Lady G wanted our man, we would graciously bow out, knowing the better woman won. The same as if Jesus wanted him, but we guess we’d have a few more questions in that case.

by (@hallekiefer)

Miley Cyrus Is Illiterate…In Spanish!

We might not be gorgeous, long-legged millionaire pop stars, but at least we know how to ask for the check if we ever save enough money to vacay in Mexico. And given that Miley Cyrus failed Spanish, that means we finally have one up on her. Admits Cyrus, “I failed Spanish. I’m really, really bad at it. It’s not really the words; it’s the pronunciation that’s the hard part.” Yeah, it’s not really the words, it’s how the human mouth makes sounds and how people hear them. We’re not going to lie; half the time we can barely understand what Miley is saying, and that’s when girlfriend is speaking English. Given Cryus’s smokey nasal drawl, her Spanish accent must sound like a seductive hillbilly robot. Which is a role that would make a great follow-up to Miley’s P.I. movie!

Prudes and nerds everywhere may have flown into a snit last week when photographers caught Miley holding a beer in a Spanish club, but this revelation explains everything. You guys, Miley was just trying to sound out the “Corona” on the label! Or maybe she was getting so bombed, she couldn’t have read Spanish if she was born in Madrid. The point is, we support learning in all its forms.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jake’s Not Ready For Taylor To See Him In His Birfday Suit. Neither Is Anne.

We know what you’re thinking: is Jake Gyllenhaal’s naked butt about to tear his new relationship with Taylor Swift apart? Reportedly Love & Other Drug’s star Gyllenhaal will not be taking his lady love Swift to the movie’s premiere. Allegedly the couple has yet to enter the Bone Zone, and Jake wants to wait before showing Taylor the goods, i.e. ruining all other men for her forever. Aw, that’s so sweet of Jake to be protective of her like that! We didn’t think the movie looked appropriate for children either.

Then again, if we were Taylor, we’d be pissed that everyone in America gets to see our new boyfriend in his glorious, well-tailored birfday suit before we do! A source claims, “Jake is making no secret that he spends most of the film naked. In fact, you get to see so much of Jake in the original cut that the director made a few edits to try and take the focus off Jake’s naked ass and back onto the story.” Is it redundant to buy two tickets for opening night right now? What if we know we are going to need the extra room for all the fainting we’ll be doing?

However, Swift isn’t the only woman getting enraged as the release of Love draws near. At a press junket over the weekend, Jake’s Love & Other Drugs co-star Anne Hathaway unleashed the manicured beast when reporters quested Gyllenhaal about the intense apple-picking he and Swift have been getting in to. “Hang on, hang on. I have to say something,” Hathaway interrupted, “I have been Jake’s on-screen love interest for years. You keep the conversation to me and only me or otherwise I’m going to get nasty! Thank you.” As you may recall, the two starred together in Brokeback Mountain in 2005. We know how you feel, Anne. All the good ones are either gay cowboys or dating Taylor Swift. Or both.

Jake joked about  Hathaway’s outburst, saying  “Don’t get Ella Enchanted pissed off,” to which Anne replied, “Don’t get Ella Enchanted pissed off, and I’m not obedient.” Comparing yourself a six-year-old princess movie to prove your point? Girrrrrrrrrrrl. Jealousy can be an ugly thing.

by (@hallekiefer)

Hilary Duff Marvels At Husband’s Giant Butt

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While Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie might be busy packing up their house for a big move,  the only junk that has Hil’s attention is that which is in her husband’s trunk. Says Duff, “I bought him a bunch of clothes for his birthday and I was like, ‘this is your size? It’s huge!’ But I don’t know. Maybe it’s because he has a big butt because he’s a hockey player.” We’d never heard the stereotype that hockey players have to wear Applebottom jeans (with the boots with the fur), but what do we know? We ain’t buying pants for any professional athletes.

Laughed Hilary, “Right now we have two separate closets, and mine is significantly bigger than his, but he needs a lot of space too! He has a lot of suits and his jeans are huge.” WE GET IT, Hilary.  As his wife cannot emphasize enough, Mike Comrie’s buttocks is simply enormous. His booty is so gigantic, in fact, that his jeans take up thrice the size of a normal man’s pants. Just throw some more junk in that trunk, they wouldn’t even have to pay for movers.

“It’s funny, now we’re moving into a smaller house and we’re going to have to downsize in a big way. It’s scary, I don’t know how I’m going to part with my things,” says Duff. Based on Hil’s little clues, we’re 98% sure Mike’s cavernous jeans were so mammoth they actually took over the Comrie-Duff household and forced the couple to take shelter in neighboring tool shed. Why else would a celebrity move into a smaller home? We mean, that’s the only plausible reason we can think of. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Conan Wants Tom Hanks, Celebs To Keep Their Mouths Shut About Their Dumb Movies

In an interview that makes us wonder if he wakes up with a tall glass of gin in his hand, Conan O’Brien bans actors from his new late-night show, saying “No actors, no actresses…I want to talk to people who are good at a craft, people who work with their hands.” What? No celebrities? Sorry, but we are not stay up past our bedtimes to see Coco interview a master electrician or quilt maker about how fascinating their jobzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Says O’Brien,”Will I bar Tom Hanks from the set? No, I will not. He can come, but he’s not allowed to talk about his project. He’s gonna keep his f**king mouth shut about his project.” Awww! Hanks is probably sitting at home with tears streaming down his face as we speak. But seriously, you’ll have actors on the show but they CAN’T talk about their movies? Just wait until you’re stuck chatting with Jessica Alba about woodworking or watching Megan Fox use a lathe,  then you’ll be reviewing that policy right quick.

As harsh as his new show rules might sound, Conan is fortunately willing to make things a little more interesting:  “If Jim Carrey or Tom Hanks accidentally mentions his project, I think the viewer should be compensated in some way. That would be a way to turn this economy around.”  And…we’re back on board! Can we somehow modify our TVs so money shoots out when a celebrity breaks the rule? Conan, you stock the first episode with simpletons (seriously, is Megan Fox available?!?!) and we’ll stand in the living room with a pillow case held open like it’s Halloween. Unless…oh no, is Conan joking? But…but…but that’s the way television was always meant to be seen! [Photos: /WireImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Attention American Idol Contestants: Keep Your Filthy Mouths Off J.Lo’s Songs

As if you weren’t taking your life in your hands by trying out in the first place, now J. Lo warns American Idol contestants against auditioning with one of her songs…or else.  “It was cute, super entertaining and flattering, but no,” says Jennifer Lopez of fools who’ve already dared mangle classic gems like “Waiting For Tonight” with their braying donkey voices.  We bet J.Lo must have been sweating in her Louboutins listening to her own songs, afraid that America would realize other people don’t need Auto-tune, eight producers, backing vocals and varsity lip synching skills to make most of her tunes listenable. Which has us thinking  negotiations to hire J.Lo as a judge  took so long because she kept demanding a trap-door that would open over a pit of ‘gators when the opening bars of “Jenny From The Block” started to play.

“They know we’re not out to cut them down or make a joke of them,” J.Lo says of the auditioning masses, “We’re trying to mentor them to the next step.” We’ve all seen the audition shows, Jenny; they are 95% about cutting delusional people down. Cutting people down and occasionally making fat guys in Princess Leia costumes get their backs waxed. It’s actually a blessing in disguise contestants can’t sing Jenny’s tunes.  Humiliating yourself on national TV is one thing, but adding “Love Don’t Cost A Thing” to the mix? Sometimes you have to protect people from themselves.

by (@hallekiefer)

Introducing Mel Gibson’s Beaver Poster: Good Luck Getting To Sleep Tonight

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ADDRESS YOURSELF TO THE PUPPET! Ah, we can imagine Mel screaming that at a terrified police officer now. Feast your eyes on the latest poster for Mel Gibson’s The Beaver, directed by Jodie Foster and starring Gibson as a man who believes his beaver puppet is a sentient being. Ten bucks says the movie was originally about a grieving father trying to sail around the world while befriending a scrappy tween, and then one day Gibson just showed up with the puppet on his hand…and no one had the heart (read: taser) to tell him no. Wow, just imagine all the other movies they could make based on Mel’s real-life lunatic behavior: See You Down At the Rose Garden, Desperately Seeking Sugar Tits, Babies Be Paying Rent, or What Women Want 2: Restraining Order Boogaloo!

Foster calls Gibson’s role “one of his most powerful and moving performances,” which is great to hear. What better way to revamp Mel’s career as a Hollywood hunk then a disturbing film about a puppet-controlled, mentally-ill person? We can’t want to see that mangy, gin-soaked animal accepting the Best Actor Oscar next year. And it’ll be even weirder that he’s wearing a puppet! [Photo: ComingSoon.net]

by (@hallekiefer)

A Collective “Duh” Fills The Air As Speidi Admits They Faked Divorce To Get Reality Show

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In news that will only shock and scandalize the grandmas of the world,  Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag admit they faked divorce proceedings in the hope of getting a British reality show.  The couple’s decision to fake-destroy man’s most sacred bond corresponded conveniently with an offer from British TV network ITV to cover the split, prompting them to move to Costa Rica, ostensibly so they could shoot scenes without passerbys constantly booing them. Says Spencer, “The divorce was real – just the idea behind it was different than most people’s.” These two can get married and gay couples can’t, everybody. Think about that next time you vote.

Unfortunately for…well, no one actually, the TV offer fell apart and Speidi were stuck with their dumb ol’ functional relationship…and not much else. Explained Spencer, “Divorcing was the only way to keep Heidi’s career going because everyone hated me so much. Look at Sandra Bullock – her divorce from Jesse James was the best thing to happen to her image.” Right, it wasn’t the years of popularity, dozens of films or the OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS that boosted her image; it was her husband screwing around with a neo-Nazi nudie model. The difference between Sandra and Heidi, however, is that Bullock eventually dumped the scumbag. Something to think about, both of you. Something to think about, America.