Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Jay-Z Says MC Hammer Is “Going To Be Embarrassed,” Even More So Than Usual!

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The most random hip-hop beef ever continues today as Jay-Z responds to MC Hammer’s music video insults, saying Hammer’s “going to be embarrassed.” You’re about 20 years too late for that, Jay! Oh wait…you mean embarrassed by his recent insane video or by his entire career? NEITHER?!?!

In an interview about his upcoming memoir Decoded, Jay-Z laughed, “He’s going to be embarrassed, I said some really great things about him in the book … It is what it is. He took it the wrong way.” Given that Jay-Z used his verse on Kanye’s song So Appalled to rap about how “Hammer went broke”, we’re pretty sure that the angry MC took it the exact right way.  Then again, those giant gold medallions didn’t buy themselves, now did they, Hammer…?

In the end though, Jay-Z doesn’t seem all that apologetic about his crack. Surprised that Hammer would mind being made fun of by a rap superstar in song, Jay-Z said, “I didn’t know that [topic] wasn’t on the table for discussion.” Oh, it is definitely still on the table. It is on the table next to a huge pile of shimmery purple harem pants, where it’s always been. And always will be.

by (@hallekiefer)

Prepare For Your Mind To Be Blown: Katy Perry Almost Opted For A Breast Reduction

Get ready to pick your  eyebrow off the top off your forehead, because according a new interview Katy Perry once considered breast reduction. Says Perry, as a 13-year-old, “I had really bad back problems and was a little bit thicker. Then I grew up and lost the baby fat and said, ‘Hey, this isn’t all that bad.’” Wow, and to think: Katy could have ended up some boring ol’ nuclear physicist if she had gone through with reducing her jiggle. Thank the gods she didn’t take them down a cup size; how would adolescent boys know when to enter puberty? From whence would the nation’s breast-mounted whip cream lasers flow? Imagining the possibilities is like It’s A Wonderful Life, but with nipples. Seriously though, Katy, America needs those jugs almost as much as your career needs them. Well, everywhere in America except Sesame Street.

When chatting about the fitted clothes worn during a photo shoot, Katy explained, “I’ll tell you about my boobs and fashion. It can be hard to wear those looks because they’re best on people who have no curves or thighs. I don’t have a Kate Moss body, but I’m very proud and happy with mine.” Ah yes, how hard it must be to be happy with KATY PERRY’S PERFECT  BODY. What a struggle Perry must go through each morning as she pulls on a new latex minidress and faces the new day. Seriously, we just gained 5 pounds of rage weight just thinking about it (admission: it was actually from eating fudge).

Though…would you mind if we pointed out the elephant in the room here? Or rather, the two saline elephants jammed into the skin-tight rhinestone bustier? Are we honestly supposed to believe that Perry was just naturally build like Jessica Rabbit without a boost from a medical profession? IT CANNOT BE TRUE.  Now if you’ll excuse us, this rage fudge isn’t going to eat itself.

by (@hallekiefer)

All Hail The Hova In 2016?

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It’ll be Jay-Z For President after Barack leaves office, at least if Hov has anything to say about it. Says Jay-Z about his aspirations beyond being a hiphop legend: “Give me a chance. Maybe in eight years, I’ll be the president.” And why not? Plenty of former performers have had a political career later in life: Sonny Bono, Ronald Reagan, Justin Bieber. O sorry, we were just gazing into the future there for a second.

But before we can (finally) call Beyonce the First Lady, Jay-Z isn’t ready to give up on President Obama just yet. Says Jay-Z, “In order to judge someone, you have to judge what they inherit. He inherited the worst economy, war, just a horrible time in American history. So if we think he can solve that, I mean, we don’t think he’s God, do we. He’s a human being. He’s going to need time to figure that out.” Um…if things are bad now, imagine how dire they might be in the next decade? Jay-Z will literally have 99 problems, though a bitch will not be one. Unless of course you count every individual person in the Tea Party, in which case there will be A LOT.

Says Jay-Z, “In order to get to that sort of success and that dream, you have to go through some peaks and valleys. It’s been two years.” We hope Jay turns out to be every bit the stellar leader we imagine he would be. And if not, don’t blame us: we voted for Bieber. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Love & Other Drugs Uses The Most Effective Ad Campaign Of All Time: Naked Jake Gyllenhaal

Movie makers often spend millions on the trailers, commercials and viral videos necessary to get people off their keisters and into a sticky movie theater seat. Jake Gyllenhaal’s Love & Other Drugs, on the other hand, appeals to its base with the strongest, and cheapest, ad campaign we’ve ever seen: the promise of Jake’s naked butt. Let’s break down the campaign point-by-point to show you what we mean:

In the November issue of Esquire with hits newsstands tomorrow, Jake explains, “I was naked a lot in the movie. I was naked in more of it than was even in the final cut. A director’s cut? I don’t even know how that would be rated.” That statement just guaranteed hundreds of millions in DVD sales right there. The movie could be a line-by-line remake of Good Luck Chuck and still at least 50% of the America population will buy a copy to watch in slow motion. And then another copy for when their DVD players burn a hole through the first one.

When asked who was more nervous about the nudity, Jake or co-star Anne Hathaway, Gyllenhaal laughs, “Annie, because as a woman I think it’s harder. She said at one point, ‘Well, we’re both topless and we both show our butts.’ And I was like, ‘Hmm, but it’s a little different for you.’” See, there’s something in this movie for everybody! Don’t care for a naked Gyllenhaal? Might we offer you something in a lovely Hathaway?  It’s like a real-life episode of Mad Men over here, and we are furiously entering our credit card info into Fandango to prove it.

by (@hallekiefer)

Demi’s Dad Blames Hollywood, Stress, Anyone But Demi’s Dad For Her Stint In Rehab

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He’s no Michael Lohan just yet, but already Demi Lovato’s dad blames Hollywood for his daughter’s entrance into rehab. Says Patrick Lovato, “There are a lot of pressures. That is one of the things I worried about when she signed with Disney.” We’re inclined to agree with him. Girlfriend added “national teen star” to her plate when most kids her age only had to deal with stresses like “get learner’s permit” and “hide bra so friends don’t put it in the freezer.” And believe us, those were hard enough to deal with as it is!

Demi’s family’s dramatic influence, however, started even earlier than her contract with Mickey. Explained Patrick, “[Demi's mother] Dianne and I each played in a band and we toured all over the United States and Canada and our oldest daughter Dallas went with us and I could see then what the pressures would be like for a child on tour because it was hard on Dallas too.” Right, so then you…had your younger daughter start acting on Barney & Friends when she was seven? Lovato was quick to add: “She enjoyed it because we were always on the road and we had a nice bus and it wasn’t too bad but the hours were difficult.” Hmmm, sounds like Dina Lohan and Patrick would have plenty to talk about if they ever got together. Better not though; their combined stage parent power might rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

Pop Lovato could not confirm reports that his daughter had been bullied prior to her decision to enter rehab, explaining “It’s been a couple of months. I’ve had cancer, I’ve been in the hospital for two months and I just got out.  She hasn’t visited, she’s been too busy, she’s been way too busy,” adding “She’ll be fine. She’s strong alright.” This story keeps getting sadder and sadder! Good luck to both Elder and Little Lovato, who we hope recovers quickly and enjoys a relaxing break from the career she’s had since the first grade. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Pink Thinks “Parents Need To Beat The Crap Out Of Their Kids”

In the latest “Why did she even say that out loud?” celebrity news, apparently Pink supports parents hitting their children, lamenting “I think parents need to beat the crap out of their kids. I think the whole spanking thing and how it’s all gotten PC is for the birds.” For the birds? Apparently using the same parenting style as your grandparents also means using same slang.

The singer’s own parents kicked her out of the house at 15, a move that she looks back on and claims, “I deserved it. I would have kicked me out when I was 8.” So heads up to Pink’s kids: once you hit second grade, you should have your Dora book bag packed and ready to go, just in case.

Of her own father, Pink says “He put me through a wall…it’s the only reason I’m still alive.”  And that’s how corporal punishment helped Pink totally avoid drug and alcohol abuse and created the emotionally stable individual her songs describe her to be. Just kidding. Has anyone ever heard Family Portrait?  That song is no joke.

Pink explains that she had always felt like an underdog, starting “When I came out of my mom’s vagina.” So for a while now. The singer feels lucky she “did all of the crashing and burning early,” rather than in the public eye like Lindsay Lohan. Pink, we’re glad you feel okay about your parents’ child-rearing choices. But we’re personally going to stick to the ol’ Time Out Chair, if that’s alright with you.

by (@hallekiefer)

Overshare Alert! Lisa Rinna’s New Lips Make Kissing, “Something Else” Much Easier

It’s sort of sweet to find out that Lisa Rinna’s new post-surgery lips make smooching her husband Harry Hamlin a breeze. But she couldn’t have just stopped there, could she? “Trust me,” Rinna says coyly, “now that I have removed the silicone from my lips, I feel sexier and Harry loves them. It makes kissing and something else much easier.” Ugh, Lisa, come on! That overshare was so wrong, part of our brain just shut down. At the end of the series The Walking Dead, they’ll probably reveal the zombies were just people who read that quote about Lisa sexing her husband. That being said, if Rinna had a medical procedure that makes kissing, among other things, feel like she’s making out with a helium balloon, we’re glad she took the steps to finally get it fixed.

Explains Lisa, “I remove the cover of magazines when girls who have had too much plastic surgery are on them. That’s the last thing my girls need to see. All these young Hollywood actresses need to stop trying to be the next Angelina Jolie and learn to love themselves.” You’re going to have to remove more than just some magazine covers, Lisa. For starters, all of your family pictures from the past 15 years.

Lisa also warns women who might still be considering the silicone lip injections Rinna maintained for years: “I want young women to learn to love themselves. You don’t need to change anything especially your lips.” Lisa is nothing if not the poster child for bad plastic surgery. Maybe she can start a D.A.R.E.-type program that visits acting classes and rehab clinic, sort of a Scared Straight for struggling actresses. First stop: Betty Ford.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jay-Z Regrets Big Pimpin’ Lyrics: “What Kind Of Animal Would Say This Sort Of Thing?”

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If you were an internationally renown rapper with millions of dollars and a wife by the name of Beyonce, you would probably be pretty happy with your artistic choices, right? But apparently Jay-Z regrets Big Pimpin’, his 1999 monster hit, for its unfortunate lyrics, an admission that retroactively spoils hundreds of Spring Breaks the nation over.

Says Jay-Z, “Some [lyrics] become really profound when you see them in writing. Not Big Pimpin’. That’s the exception. It was like, I can’t believe I said that. And kept saying it. What kind of animal would say this sort of thing? Reading it is really harsh.” Given that Jay-Z is older, wiser and madly in love with a talented bad-ass like Bee, lyrics such as “You know I thug em, f**k em, love em, leave em/Cause I don’t f**king need em,” probably seem like the height of douchebaggery. Then again, we all danced to it, so what does that say about us? Oh right, that we’re douche bags too.

Looking back with distaste at his verse, however, is only a symptom of a bigger issue. Says Jay-Z, “We have to find our way back to true emotion. This is going to sound so sappy, but love is the only thing that stands the test of time. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill was all about love. Andre 3000, The Love Below. Even NWA, at its core, that was about love for a neighborhood.” So is the world ready for a kinder, gentler Jay-Z, with lyrics about visiting the in-laws and throwing his grandma a birthday party? Oh, who are we kidding? With beats like his, Hov could read his grocery list and a spontaneous wet t-shirt contest could still break out at any moment. At ANY moment. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Ricky Martin Cried When He Came Out, As Did Your Best Friend’s Mom

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According his Oprah appearance this Tuesday, after coming out Ricky Martin was “crying like a baby”. Ironically, that is also what half of the female population of the planet was doing after Ricky Martin came out.

In the episode, Martin discusses his coming out email, in which he declared “I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man.” We know hind-sight is 20/20, Ricky, but that statement’s only 86 characters. Come on, Twitter was made for this kind of stuff.

Says Martin, “When I realized, okay, I just pressed send, whoo … I was alone. I was in my studio alone for a minute. My assistant walked in and I just started crying like a little baby. I started crying.” Also weeping like a baby that day? Your best friend’s mom, your favorite aunt and your 60-year-old cubicle mate who constantly sings Nobody Wants To Be Lonely under her breath. We mean, we could barely hear our Cup Of Life remix CD over all that weeping!

It was Ricky’s twins Valentino and Matteo that finally inspired him to take the leap out of the closet: “I couldn’t take it anymore. It was too painful. But I guess the most important thing is my children … When I was holding them in my arms I was like, ‘What, am I gonna teach them how to lie?’ Whoa, that is my blessing right there. Then, when I was holding my children I said, ‘Okay, it’s time to tell the world.’ ” What is this wet stuff coming out of our eyes? Our cold icy hearts seem to be melting at the combination of coming out success plus hot dad plus cute babyness. Either that or our brains are leaking. Which is still  less embarrassing than crying at a Ricky Martin post, so let’s go with that. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Ron Howard Defends The Dilemma’s Awful Gay Joke

In case you weren’t going to see The Dilemma due to its recent controversy, don’t worry: director Ron Howard defended the gay joke in question on anti-censorship grounds. In case you weren’t going to see the movie because it looks terrible, you can probably stop reading right now.

For a little background, Universal removed Vince Vaughn’s gay joke from the film’s trailer following protest by GLAAD. Previously Vaughn could be heard saying “electric cars are gay.”And if that knee-slapper isn’t worth making an entire section of the population feel bad, then we don’t know what is!

Says Howard, “I believe in sensitivity but not censorship. I don’t strip my films of everything that I might personally find inappropriate….I defend the right for some people to express offense at a joke as strongly as I do the right for that joke to be in a film.” Ron has definitely taken a stand against censorship before. Who doesn’t remember the dozens of gay jokes that pepper Cinderella Man and Apollo 13? Frost/Nixon was basically one long  gay joke? Or…at least that’s how we interpreted it.

Warns Howard, “But if storytellers, comedians, actors and artists are strong armed into making creative changes, it will endanger comedy as both entertainment and a provoker of thought.” We wouldn’t want anyone to be denied the thoughts provoked by a joke about electric cars being homosexuals, now would we? Thoughts like, “What?” or “Is that supposed to be funny?” or “Oh my god, why am I in this theater watching The Dilemma when I could be anywhere else in the whole world right now?” [Photos: Getty Images/]