Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Nick Cannon Escorts Mariah Down From Her Giant Heels, Introduces Her To Flats

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After she confirmed yesterday that she does in fact have a bun in the oven, we immediately started fantasizing about the plunging necklines and clinging fabrics of Mariah Carey’s inevitably fabulous maternity wear. Husband Nick Cannon, however, dreams only of getting Mariah out of heels and into flats. At first, we didn’t approve of the idea. Would you paint a rainbow a sensible beige? Would you have a peacock put on a conservative blazer? Then why make Mariah Carey walk on the ground with the rest of us mortals when she should be 4-to-6 inches higher than everyone else?  But then we realized…if Nick doesn’t intervene early, Mariah will be nine months pregnant and still teetering precariously on 5-inch Jimmy Choos. So we’re willing to consider it.

Explained Cannon on his radio show with Mariah as a call-in guest, “I go into the closet searching for some flats for my wife … She got a lot of damn shoes — it’s like a frickin’ Macy’s. [And] Mariah Carey does not own one pair of flat shoes.” Mariah sensibly pointed out, “To be fair, I had some boots from Aspen, some Dior boots.” But Nick wasn’t going to let Carey get away with seeming like less of a diva than she really is:  “Ski boots!”, he exclaimed. This story is confirming every fabulous, insane thing we always  suspected about Mariah…and we could not be happier.

Admitted Carey, “And then we did find some flats and then they were a regular ballet slipper, like a beige, and I was like, ‘I don’t think so.’” Why not just put a garbage bag on your foot at that point, we’d argue. Nick was pretty pleased with himself for helping with the wardrobe transformation: “Basically, I got Mariah Carey, the high-heel queen, to put on some flats. And this is amazing. I’m going shoe shopping today, needless to say, to buy you some flat shoes.” We wouldn’t get too cocky, Nick. God only help you if Mariah finds out they make heels for babies now. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Peruvians Pissed At Modern Family And Sofia Vergara For Goat Punchline

Modern Family is such a cute, funny show; it was only a matter of time before it insulted an entire nationality. The word is Peruvians are angry with Modern Family’s Sofia Vergara for a joke that had Peru as the punchline…and they want an explanation. The joke came in response to the character Jay (Ed O’Neill) gearing up to riff on Columbia, his wife’s homeland. Vergara’s character Sofia rants, “Ah, here we go. Because, in Colombia, we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. Do you know how offensive that is? Like we’re Peruvians!” Hoo boy, that is…not family friendly.

In response to the slur, Beatriz Merino, head of the People’s Defender’s Office in Peru, wants a response from the U.S. Ambassador, saying “No country should have to be offended.” Agrees Milagros Lizarraga, founder of Peruvian social network Peru USA Southern Ca, “It’s incredible that in a country where everything is politically correct, ABC would have a line of this sort.”  Everything is PC? Watch Glee and that idea will disappear before the first commercial break, believe us.

But it’s Vergara, not Modern Family’s writers, that is bearing the brunt of their anger. Said Lizarraga, “Many Peruvians think this is no coincidence, that she knew what she was saying, because an actress has the power to say, ‘No, I can’t say this because it would hurt my image. Unless she agrees with what she said.” Again, we have to say, we don’t think that’s how show biz works, at least if the musical Fame is any indication.

Vergara tweeted in response to several of her detractors, pointing out that it was her character who said the offending line, not her and, well, saying people’s ignorance made her laugh: “la ignorancia de creer que una actriz es el personaje que representa ,que ternurita,dan mucha risa jajaja.” While this isn’t a hard and fast rule, celebrities, keep in mind: using Twitter to address an international crisis? Rarely a good idea.

by (@hallekiefer)

Husband-Stealers Rejoice! LeAnn Rimes And Shape Magazine Have Your Back

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It’s been a whirlwind day for LeAnn Rimes and “other women” everywhere as news came that Editor-In-Chief Valerie Latona issued an apology for Rimes’ October Shape cover story. Responding to readers peeved over LeAnn’s story of adultery with current boyfriend Eddie Cibrian, Latona issued a statement explaining: “Please know that our putting her on the cover was not meant to put a husband-stealer on a pedestal-but to show (through her story) how we all are human. And this woman in particular found strength in exercise in what she said was her most difficult personal moment.” Remarkable that some readers wouldn’t like the idea of a toned, blond Grammy winner luring away someone’s husband and using a magazine article to talk about it. We mean, who doesn’t like a little betrayal with their reverse crunches?

Said Latona, the article “did not come across that way… And for that I’m terribly sorry.” If you recall, a married Rimes started dating Cibrian before he divorced his wife Brandi Glanville, leaving him torn between two women. Though given that Glanville was just arrested for DUI today, the decision between the two may not have been as emotionally grueling as we might think.

Latona has since backpedaled on her apology, insisting that, “The fact is a mere 40 readers out of almost 6 million readers wrote in to complain calling LeAnn a ‘husband stealer’ and a ‘terrible mistake for Shape.’ I wrote to those women apologizing that our cover choice did not make them happy – as I have done for other cover stars in the past.” Yikes, how many home wreckers has Shape had on their covers? That seems like a pretty specific niche to try and sell people.

Claims Latona, “My comments have been taken out of context. I used the words of the few unhappy readers who wrote in.” She continues, “I stand by the fact that LeAnn’s story is compelling – and her courage and strength in the face of so much adversity is compelling. That is why I put her on the cover of Shape for what is now the third time.”  Thank you! Finally someone is coming out to acknowledge the struggle that all husband-stealers must face. It’s not easy to get in good enough shape to snatch a married man. We have to work at it. We mean…they have to work at it. They.  Not us. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

PETA Offers To Pay Lindsay Lohan’s Rehab Bill For A Terrible Price: VEGANISM!

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PETA is up to it’s fame-whoring shenanigans again…and this time they want to take Lindsay Lohan down with them. Taking a break from covering Pam Anderson’s melons with…well, melons, or otherwise encouraging naked celebrities to wear vegetables for animal rights, PETA has offered to pay for Linday Lohan’s rehab stay if she eats vegan for a year. Lindsay claims that she cannot pay the $50,000 needed for rehab at Betty Ford, and PETA said they would pony up for a year of no meat or dairy…to the tune of $20,000. Wow, now that a drug-addicted celebrity is being forced to become a vegan for money, suddenly we want to do it too! We’ll just throw these breakfast sausages in the trash! Just kidding. We will kill a man if he touches our breakfast sausages.

A PETA rep explained, “After learning that Lindsay Lohan has fallen on tough economic times, PETA offered to help pay her rehabilitation bill as she recovers from substance addiction—that is, if she gives up one more toxic substance: meat. (In the U.S., eating animal-derived products exposes diners to antibiotics, pesticides, E. coli, fecal matter, and other potentially harmful substances.)” So the cocaine, alcohol and amphetamines, not so much worried about those? We guess they’re probably vegan…right?

Even stranger, Lindsay might actually do it! “It’s something she’s seriously considering,” says Lohan’s attorney Shawn Chapman Holley. But really, how in the name of seitan with brown rice and a side of steamed broccoli are they going to prove Lindsay doesn’t just wait until midnight to covertly wolf down a package of Slim Jims? Unless there’s a SCRAM bracelet that can detect meat sweats? A HAM bracelet, if you will. Oh, but Lindsay can just claim someone spilled a Reuben on her leg and then we’re back to square one. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Mike Tyson Would Have Worked With Mel Gibson “100%”. We Smell A Spin-Off!

Let’s not let Liam Neeson get wind of this, or else he is going to be super jealous. Apparently Mike Tyson says he would have worked with Mel Gibson “100%” on The Hangover 2, probably because he knows he has the upper body-strength needed to deal with Gibson on a daily basis. Zach Galifianakis? Not so much.

Says Tyson, “I’m not going to ever in my life point my finger at anyone. I don’t live in a glass house. None of us do.” Well, while it’s true most of us don’t live in glass houses, we’ve also never threatened to bury anyone in the rose garden outside of our actual houses. Soooooooo, it’s apples to oranges really.

Continued Tyson, “I work with anybody, as long as they’re respectful.” See, there’s the problem. From all reports, Gibson actually forgot what the word ‘respectful’ meant in order to make room in his brain for more racial epithets. It’s just science!

Some, reportedly even Gibson himself, criticized The Hangover director Todd Phillips for casting Tyson, a former drug-user and convicted rapist, but not Mel, who is also terrible. Didn’t their mamas ever tell them that two wrongs don’t make a right? Just because you have one criminal-level misogynist in a film doesn’t mean you have to pack the cast with them.  On the other hand, we’ve already started composing the theme song to The Mel And Mike Movie: Escape From Crazytown.  [Photos: Getty Images/]

by (@hallekiefer)

Patricia Arquette Goes Mama Grizzly While Defending Brother David Arquette

Since everyone and their mother (including us and our mothers) are shamefully giggling behind their hands this week about Courteney Cox Arquette’s husband and his emotional melt-down, it’s nice to see his sister Patricia Arquette defending David Arquette. Now, did she have to do it by losing her marbles on the red carpet? We’ll let the courts decide.

While with her bro at Wednesday’s ONEXONE Foundation Gala event in New York, Patricia hulked out on a group of reporters asking questions about the Cox-Arquette situation. Patricia snarled, “”How are you doing? How is your kid doing? Have you ever had anything happen in your life? What’s the worst thing that you’ve ever had happen to you? Do you ever masturbate? Have you ever had an abortion? I mean, can you imagine these kind of questions? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It’s not alright! It’s not alright!” Patricia, don’t give David any more ideas! He was probably standing behind her the whole time, furiously taking notes so he knows what embarrassing things to bring up in public.

And is it really “not alright” for us to ask questions about Arquette’s very public, very gruesome separation saga? Normally we would (reluctantly) agree with Patty, despite our own burning, evil love of celeb gossip. However, if someone willfully goes to a shock jock and dishes on the intimate details of their emotional and sexual life in a totally cray-cray manner? Sorry: they clearly want the public to know. And if that person does it more than once? On HOWARD STERN? At this rate David is eventually going to get his own program where he just read’s Courteney’s old tax returns out loud and sobs. We won’t even going to pretend we wouldn’t TIVO that.

by (@hallekiefer)

Kendra Wilkinson Almost Posed Nude For The Wrong Reasons!

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Call off the National Guard, you guys. The emergency is over. Kendra Wilkinson’s husband Hank Baskett successfully dissuaded the former Girls Next Door star and Hugh Hefner lady friend from posing in Playboy “for the wrong reasons.” We’re sure you’ll be sleeping soundly tonight knowing that crisis was averted.

Rumors sprung up earlier today alleging that Kendra wouldn’t be stripping down due to lingering baby weight. That claim seemed fairly dubious considering that based on a bikini pic Kendra tweeted this summer, girl weights about as much as a hummingbird…who happens to have giant breast implants. Instead, it turns out hubbie Hank was the one who pulled the plug on Wilkinson pulling off her drawers, after walking in on her getting a few test photos taken.

“He didn’t yell at me,” explained Kendra. “He wasn’t mad at me for doing that photo shoot. He actually sat down with me and he went over the reasons of doing it. And you know, my reasons weren’t right. I wanted to do Playboy for the wrong reasons. The wrong reasons are to prove people wrong, not to prove it to myself but to people and to put my middle finger up to everybody and be like, ‘I’m going to do Playboy!’ But that wasn’t the right reason, you know?” We would have to politely disagree, Kendra! Vengeance nudity the best kind of nudity (See also: Janet Jackson)! What’s the point of busting your buns to be a hot mom if you can’t silence the haters with a quick trou-dropping? If Kendra wants to take it all off, that’s between her, God, and the millions of red-blooded Americans that will be looking at her naked. Besides, what’s even the right reason to pose nude? Money? Oh wait…it’s money, isn’t it? [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

David Arquette Says He Cried After Post-Seperation Sex, Continues To Lose Mind

SOMEBODY STOP DAVID ARQUETTE! Doesn’t that man have any friends? Or family? Or a publicist? We are seriously thinking about stepping in ourselves (for a low, low fee!) to stop him from doing idiotic things like going back on Howard Stern and saying he cried after having sex while separated from wife Courteney Cox Arquette. Said David, “After the first girl I slept with … a few days later … I was, like, crying…It was the end of all the intimacy I shared with my wife. It was like a new thing. It was like … putting that away.” Strangely, boning a fist-fighting waitress couldn’t compare with “that emotional love that I always had with Court” following their 11 years of marriage. Hard to wrap your mind around, we know.

When Stern asked if Arquette was seeing other women, David coyly admitted that,”There’s some stuff happening,” then explained how he hooked up with some random Australian woman, despite being “still f***ing in love with my wife.” The whole episode seems like  one giant viral anti-drug campaign, as far as we’re concerned. Anti-drug or anti-marrying David Arquette. Either way, we have to teach our children early.

When asked if Courteney was sexing up her Cougar Town costar Brian Van Holt, Arquette got all vague and described Van Holt as “a cool guy … Any guy would be blessed to be with her. … I don’t have any hard feelings for anyone. This is life and we are just going through it publicly.” It’s only public because you keep going crazy and talking about it on the radio, David! Seriously, if someone had told us last month that we were going to have a David Arquette-induced stroke, we would have said, “Oh, I knew it.”

by (@hallekiefer)

Rihanna Says Chris Brown Assault Was A “Wake-Up Call”

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It’s been over a year and a half since the Rihanna-Chris Brown insanity of 2009, and one of them now admits that they have no regrets about the assault. Ironically, it’s not the one we would have assumed. Says Rihanna, “God has a crazy way of working, and sometimes when stuff happens you feel like, ‘What did I do to deserve this?’ Why was it backfiring on me? But I needed that wake-up call in my life. I needed a turning point, and that’s what God was giving to me.” Yeah, we’ve been hearing a lot of stuff about this God character. We mean, sure he works in mysterious ways, but come on. Let’s not go overboard with the turning points here, Lord.

According to Ri-Ri, the backlash after the assault wasn’t much better. “All this terrible stuff they say to you, it breaks you down,” she admitted. “[But] once you’re back on your feet — if you ever make it back on your feet — that’s the ultimate achievement.” Rihanna has definitely not been letting grass grow under those feet over the past year, touring like crazy, befriending Katy Perry and furiously recording her new album. And with Chris Brown slowly building his acting career and working on his upcoming album F.A.M.E., hopefully they will both continue to be very, very successful. And to stay very, very far away from one another. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

In Case You Had Any Faith Left In Humanity: Janet Jackson’s Breasts Bound As A Child Actor

Good lord, did anything not horrible happen to the Jackson family growing up? (Answer: probably not) As if Michael’s epically tragic everything wasn’t enough, apparently Janet Jackson had her breasts bound while working on Good Times as a child actress, a traumatic experience she describes in her new book. Says Jackson, “I was actually doing Good Times, and on our first day of shooting they bound my chest because they thought my breasts were too big.”  Are studios following some sort of mathematical formula to screw up child actors? Because that’s what it seems like.  It’s a testament to Janet being a bad-ass that she went on to become a multimillionaire performing artist rather than permanent changing  into sweat pants and burying herself in Butterfinger Minis. Which is undoubtedly what we would have done.

Explains Janet, “I got the part when I was 10, we started shooting when I was 11 — I was developing early. It made me feel that the way that I am, it’s not good enough.” Not that she let it hold her back! This puts Jackson’s Superbowl boob flash in a whole new light! Before it was a completely unintentional  (or, well, totally intentional),  semi-humiliating wardrobe malfunction; now it’s a spectacular F U to anyone who would dare try to restrain Janet’s goods, co-starring Justin Timberlake. And for that, Janet’s girls, we salute you.