Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Halloween Comes Early When Evan Rachel Wood Gushes About Ex Marilyn Manson

marilyn-manson-evan-rachel-woodgettyimages

Halloween is just around the corner, and what better way to make your spine tingle and your skin crawl off your bones then to listen to what Evan Rachel Wood has to say about her ex, Marilyn Manson? Gushes Wood, “He had a hand in raising me!” Spooooky! O wait, we mean super gross! Considering the two dated when Wood was a teenager, Manson probably was exactly like a father to her: a creepy, make-up-wearing father who kisses you on the mouth. If the idea of Marilyn Manson’s lipstick smears on your teenage face doesn’t scare you, no evil thing will.

Wood raves about her long-time on-again, off-again beau: “Oh, I’m always gonna love that guy. He’s a genius, he’s an amazing artist, we’re still friends. Some things just aren’t meant to be.” Yeah, some things aren’t meant to be because people grow apart, and some things aren’t meant to be because all the forces of good in the world are actively trying to pull your fright-fest relationship apart.

Luckily dating Vampire-Dad doesn’t seem to have affected Evan’s career success. Moreover, her co-star in Mildred Pierce Kate Winslet tipped Woods off to a hair-raising secret. Says Evan, “I always had a rule that I was only going to do topless and never the whole package, I have to have some kind of mystery! But she then explained to me what a merkin was…” If there’s anything more horrifying than a tiny wig of fake pubes, we pray we never have to see it. Happy Halloween, everybody! [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Director of The Hangover 2 Explains Why Mel Gibson Got The Boot. Hint: ‘Cause He’s Terrible

After a week of rumors and gossip-mongering (you’re welcome), The Hangover 2′s director Todd Phillips now confirms that yes,  Mel Gibson got the boot because some of the cast (i.e. everyone except Todd Phillips) was not ready share a craft services table with Mel’s wack-a-doodleness.

Defending Gibson (sort of), Phillips explains, “He’s one of our finest actors and, quite honestly, one of our finest directors. But The Hangover 2 is a family … and as much as I loved the idea, a lot of people didn’t … I didn’t want anything to come in between that family.” You see, it’s a lot like your real family at Thanksgiving. Your dad reluctantly invites ol’ racist Uncle Mel even though you all know he’s just going to drink the cooking sherry and call your new boyfriend “sugar tits”, and it’s not until Uncle Zach Galifianakis threatens to quit that Uncle Mel has to leave. Or something like that. Our point is: good call, Todd!

Reportedly having put up the biggest stink against Gibson’s cameo, Galifianakis joked on Monday that director Phillips was  “the worst Jew in Hollywood,” explaining, “that’s an inside joke.” You guys, it’s one thing to kick Gibson off the movie, but to steal his lines?  For shame. We as an audience really don’t mind waiting for another one of Gibson’s secretly recorded rants to hear another gem like that one. No, really. We don’t.

by (@hallekiefer)

Ryan Gosling Says The Mickey Mouse Club Was “Depressing”, Mainly Because He Sucked At It

57001766

We can imagine plenty of reasons why Ryan Gosling might remember the The Mickey Mouse Club as “depressing”: insane stage mothers, hideous outfits, lax child labor laws.  Or was it because, as Gosling mentions in an interview with Steve Carrell, “in my age bracket, there were seven kids, three of whom were Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake.” Explains Gosling, “It was kind of depressing because when I got there, they realized that I wasn’t really up to snuff in comparison with what some of the other kids were able to do.” No wonder Gosling thought he blew! Imagine being compared to 3 of the biggest pop superstars of the past 15 years. Also, you’re 8.

Reminiscences Ryan, “I remember one time they put four of us in a dance routine, but I was so off. I was on the end, so they just pushed the shot in closer on the other three guys to frame me out. I would just come in at the beginning of the show and then come back at the end, and occasionally I’d have a sketch here or there, but I didn’t end up working that much, which was disheartening.”  If it makes you feel any better Ryan, now you’re starring in a hotly anticipated movie with Michelle Williams and Britney Spears has pretty much forgotten how to dance…or sing…or do pretty much anything that would require concentration. And Christina Aguilera may have been an adorable child, but now? She’s looking like Marilyn Monroe got trapped in a tanning bed. From where we’re sitting, you and Timberlake are neck-and-neck for Least Fail. And that is not a depressing place to be at all. [Photos: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Joan Collins Confirms That Jennifer Aniston, Every Woman In Hollywood Doesn’t Cut It

60048657

Most people would have immediately apologized for publicly ripping on a fellow actresses’s looks. Then again, most people would have had to be drunk to do that in the first place. But only Joan Collins would have the moxie to go back in and insult the other gorgeous actresses her interviewer edited out of her crazy rant.

When explaining her snarky comments about Jennifer Aniston, Collins said, “The bottom line is that I talked about several actresses, among them Catherine Zeta-Jones, Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox. Unfortunately, everybody got cut out [except Aniston and Jolie]. Typical. That’s the way it goes.” So, to make sure everyone got it the first time: Jennifer Aniston is about as hot as a high school gym teacher. Also not beautiful? ALL OF THESE OTHER WOMEN. It’s a list we completely disagree with, too! Make fun of Aniston Plain and Tall all you want, but Catherine Zeta-Jones? Scarlett Johansson? Megan Fo…okay, we get that one. If Joan Collins wants to call Megan out for looking like a dime-store Angelina knock-off, she has our blessing.

After Joan’s initial barbs, Aniston’s reps dismissed them, saying Jen had “no need to engage with that nonsense,” which is ironically what every man in America keep saying about dating Jen. We hope Zeta-Jones, Johansson and Fox all catch wind of Collins’  rudeness, and Collins keeps having to clarify her comments, insulting bigger and bigger groups of people until finally she makes fun of an actual unattractive person. We’re assuming it’s going to be us. [Photos:  Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Matt Damon And Lady Damon Welcome New Baby Damon

matt_damongetty

We should have know Matt Damon was in the process of becoming an adorable dad again last week; our Fantasy Husband Alert was going off non-stop. Matt Damon and wife Lucia Damon greeted their fourth baby, Stella Zavala Damon, who joins big sisters Gia, Isabella and half-sister Alexa. Let’s see:  okay, Zavala is pretty weird, but they kept it to a middle name and balanced it with a fairly normal first. Well-played, Mr. and Mrs. Damon. It looks like this kid is going to get out of middle school without too much psychological scarring.

We’re sure the baby is cute and all, but we’ll be saving our squees for the cutest one of all: Papa Damon. Says Matt, “If I had a bucket list, I’d say raising my four girls to be strong, good women would be No. 1.” Squee! Based on the movie we would have thought jumping out of an airplane or befriending Jack Nicholson were more bucket-worthy pursuits.  But then again, no one actually saw that movie, so…  Strong ladies are a excellent goal also, especially considering that with four of them Matt and Luciana are well on their way to assembling their own private army of offspring. Unfortunately for baby Damon fans, Matt says,  “This is it. Our lives are full and wonderful and we’re done having kids.”  You mean, with your wife, right? Right? We take your silence to be a ‘yes.’ [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Liam Neeson Replaces Mel Gibson In The Hangover 2, Should Sleep With One Eye Open

mel_liam_main

Liam Neeson better get fitted for a mouth guard and stay away from any and all hot tubs in the near future, because apparently Neeson is replacing Mel Gibson in The Hangover 2. The actor’s rep confirmed, “It’s true pending clearance of cast and crew background check,” which will hopefully weed out the strange new P.A. who looks  lot like Mel in blond wig and heels. Liam seems thrilled about the casting choice, gushing, “I just got a call to do a one-day shoot on Hangover 2 as a tattooist in Thailand, and that’s all I know about it. I just laughed my leg off when I saw The Hangover, I was shooting in Berlin earlier this year and rented it on the hotel TV.”  First you laugh your leg off, and then Mel Gibson chews it off after he sneaks into your trailer. Either way, it’s a movie you’ll never forget!

An insider working on The Hangover 2 reportedly confirmed that it was Mel’s currently reputation (i.e. demonic possession) that got him dropped from the film, revealing, “They don’t want him to be in the movie and serve as a platform for some creepy comeback. They didn’t want that energy or to shoulder what would come with having him apart of the film.” We are only half joking when say this switcheroo is the thing that will finally send Gibson over to the dark side. We mean, Mel Gibson charged a baby rent; you seriously think he will take this slight lying down? [Photos: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kat Von D Threatens To Sue Her Producers In Order To Protect Nikki Sixx’s Precious Feelings

15822640
Roll out the sterile gauze and get those antibiotics ready! Apparently Nikki Sixx and Kat Von D are slobbering all over each others’ tattoos again, and Kat’s so afraid of hurting her boo’s little baby bunny feelings that she has threatened to sue her show’s own producers if they showed footage of her insulting him. Because she was riding high on boner fumes during her brief but disgusting tryst with Jesse James (and because she is a paragon of elegance and poise) Kat took it upon herself to rip Nikki a new one while the cameras were rolling for her TLC show “Ink”. After abandoning Sandra Bullock’s sloppy seconds, Von D reportedly “freaked out” at the possibility that beloved would hear her smack-talking him on any upcoming episodes…and do what? Cry into his black velvet pillows? Write about it in his emotions journal? CALL HIS MOM?

Von D demanded any potentially offensive moments be edited out of the series, as well rejected a “Jesse vs. Nikki” plot line that seems designed to induce vomiting spice up the series. Wow, whatever Kat said must have been harsh if she thought Nikki would care that much. That or the man bruises like a peach…emotionally. We’ll probably have to wait for the DVD to see what she really had to say. Or we’ll just wait until they break-up again. Next week. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Hilary Duff’s Tooth Done Fall Out At Her Wedding

56313898

We’ve all heard wedding horror stories of drunk relatives and freak thunderstorms, but the most gag-inducing tale we’ve come across has to be when Hilary Duff lost a tooth on her wedding day. Note: we use the term “tooth” loosely, as Hil famously replaced her choppers with boogie-board sized veneers a few years ago. As Duff explained to Ellen on this coming Monday’s episode, “I bit into a bagel. I was sitting on the bed with my mom and my sister, and they’re like, ‘You’re an idiot. You did not. Come on.’” O my god! That’s disgusting! Hilary Duff eats carbs? Once Duff realized that her toof had declined to attend her nuptials, “I burst into tears. Then I started laughing at myself, and then I really burst into tears.” Which is funny because that’s exactly what we did when we read this story!

Exclaimed Duff, “Thank God I didn’t swallow [my tooth]. Not good for a bride on her wedding day.” Yeah, that has to be some sort of seriously bad omen. No one wants something old, something new, something borrow, and something that has fallen out of a body cavity and into your breakfast sandwich. Luckily, a friend of Hilary’s wedding planner’s sister’s husband was able to glue the sucker back into place, and the rest of her wedding to hockey player Mike Comrie went beautifully. In retrospect, a gap-tooth bride might have been a good test of the relationship. If you have to take your vows looking like a jack o’ lantern, and your man doesn’t sprint out of the chapel screaming? That’s a keeper, ladies. [Photo: Film Magic]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jenny McCarthy Dated A Chubby, Hairy Guy Who Lived In A Shed. All Signs Point To Bear.

jennymccarthygetty1

No, that isn’t some gross euphemism (that we’re aware of). Jenny McCarthy really did go out with a “chubby, hairy” guy who lived in a shed. Jenny explained, “It was one of those shacks that you buy at Wal-Mart that you stick your lawn mower in. It was a shed.” Now, we aren’t going to rag on chubby and hairy since that’s our personal type (Seth Rogen, it’s not too late to break off your engagement and get with this hotness!), but damn Jenny. Isn’t it a dealbreaker when he invites you back for a nightcap and you end up having to sit on a leaf blower to drink it?

Admitted Jenny, “He had like 15 blankets…that he called a futon”. We have fifteen pairs of shoes; doesn’t mean we can pile them up and call it a hot tub. But Jenny had a rationale for why in god’s name she stuck with it: “I was thinking ‘This would make a great husband and a great dad, because I’m as good as he’s gonna get.’” Yeah, that is so frustrating. You meet the perfect spouse and baby daddy, then you find out he sleeps in a garden shed.  Where was this shed even located, by the way? Did Jenny not care that her boyfriend lived in someone else’s back yard? Sudden the whole Jim Carrey thing is starting to make a lot more sense to us, standards-wise…

What finally made Jenny realize Shed Man wasn’t the one? “I was laying there thinking ‘Wait a minute, I’m kind of hot! What am I doing?!” Like hotness has anything to do with it! How about just not wanting to use a bag of fertilizer as a pillow? Or freeze to death when it drops below 30 degrees? Waaaaaait just one minute..big, hairy, lives outside, sleeps in a shed that may or may not even belong to him…you guys, Jenny McCarthy went out with a bear! Ugh. Ladies, is there anything more embarrassing than accidentally going on a date with a grizzly?  We doubt it, but if there is, we’re sure Jenny McCarthy will share it with the world soon enough.

by (@hallekiefer)

Kanye Wins Us Over With His Insane Diamond Teeth

There’s a lot of rumors swirling around about Kanye West’s oral situation, but despite what you may have heard, Kanye maintains that his diamond teeth are real, not a grill…and we believe him. When interviewed for November’s Vanity Fair about why he had the jewels permanently embedded in his choppers, West thoughtfully replied, “I just like diamond teeth and I didn’t feel like having to take them out all the time.” He just a busy man who likes diamond teeth, you guys. Is that really such a crime?

Kanye also explained his oral situation while a guest on Ellen, asserting “It’s really my real teeth…It’s like replaced my bottom row of teeth. I just thought the diamonds were cooler.” Regular teeth are pretty boring when you think about it: plain, smooth, white. Or in our case, deep mustard yellow. Though unfortunately for West, “I have to go to the dentist all the time to maintain it.” Wow, do dentists not have to take some sort of oath to not ruin your teeth? If not, can we get that dentist’s number?!?

The reason we believe Kanye really has jewel-teeth? Because he’s Kanye West: musician, megalomaniac, and now, partially made out of diamonds. As West explained to Ellen, “It’s just certain stuff rock stars are supposed to do.” Exactly!  Seriously, why are Lady Gaga and Kanye not working together yet? Or better yet, married? Imagine the beautiful drag cyborg babies they’d create.

So what do you think? Does a mouth full of gems make Kanye just more of an a-hole…or does it make him so much of an a-hole that he has looped back around to being College Dropout-era awesome again? I think you now how we feel about it. We think you know how we feel about it.