Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Too Good For Dairy Queen: Kim Kardashian To Celebrate With $1 Million Diamond Cake

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If you guessed Kim Kardashian would spend her 30th birthday party sucking icing off a million dollars worth of diamonds, well girl, you need to open up shop as a psychic, because you are right! At her birthday party at Glo Nightclub in Westbury, New York this weekend, Kardashian will blow out the candles on a $1 million dollar birthday cake, a number that makes us want to put our head between our knees so we don’t pass out before the end of “Happy Birthday”.

Says a nightclub rep, “The jeweler is going to encrust the cake with loose diamonds worth over a million dollars,” making this the only time we ever want to read the words “Kim Kardashian” and “encrust” in the same sentence, thankyouverymuch. “Their goal is to break the record for the most expensive cake ever made which was 1.65 million dollars.” Because what woman doesn’t want to celebrate the big 3-0 by picking dozens of hard little stones off of a delicious dessert?

The ultimate hedonist pastry is the brainchild of restaurateur Nino Selimaj, who doesn’t seem to understand that he’s going to spend the rest of the weekend holding a colander under Khloe Kardashian, because while everyone else is getting instructions on not wolfing down the gems, all she’s hearing is a voice in her head screaming CAKE CAKE CAKE. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Taylor Swift Throws Down the Gauntlet For All Future Boyfriends

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If you’ve ever considered dating Taylor Swift (which, hello, who in North America hasn’t?), keep in mind that any jack-ass moves on your part will be immediately recorded and played back you in a beautiful lilting drawl. Because, in her own words, Taylor Swift will never stop writing songs about her love life. Says Swift, “I’ve had this formula for a long time that I’ve kind of applied to my music.” The formula being Taylor falls in love, gets her baby-bird heart smooshed into the dirt, then writes a million-dollar song about it: a painful, yet lucrative, process.

Explains Taylor, “And if I change that whole process of writing music, that entire process of writing songs in my bedroom about what I’m going through at that moment — because the only way I know how to understand pain or move past it is to write songs about it — if I change that, I’m really more changing a part of who I am. And I don’t really want to start doing that.” Neither does anyone else! Oh…well, except for John Mayer (allegedly)…and any other crumb bums Swift has sucked face with…which seems to be a lot…

So, is Taylor worried that any normal man would run screaming away from a relationship that will almost certainly end up on the radio? Shrugs the singer, “It’s understandable, but … I’ve never kept quiet the fact that I write songs about people,” she said. “It’s like, this is album number three. You guys have had fair warning!” Snaaaaaaaaaaap! So bring it, boyfriends. Here we thought we had to keep all of our angsty poetry to ourselves. It turns out you can show it to everyone and people will still date you! Well, at least if you are a gorgeous blond with the voice of a Southern angel…which we totally are, in case you are wondering. Excuse us, we have to go weep into our sonnet journal now. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Rachel Zoe Says She Isn’t Preggers, Lifts Her Couture Shirt To Prove It

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Despite the rumors you may have heard (or…we may have reported), apparently Rachel Zoe is  not pregnant. When asked on Tuesday if she had a teeny, weeny bun in the oven, Zoe lifted her shirt to reveal her taunt, drum-like  stomach and laughed, “Not at all. I’d be home sleeping.” L.A. has to be the only place in America where lifting your shirt would actually prove that you aren’t pregnant. If we tried that here, everyone would start mailing us baby gifts for the triplets. But still, Zoe has a point. Being at home sleeping because you’re pregnant is very different than falling asleep at the lunch table because you are exhausted from holding your hair up.  Since the reporter didn’t mention seeing a squirmy baby-shaped object moving around in Rachel’s abdomen, that’s as good as a doctor’s note for us.

However, not everybody buys the denial. Super nosy sources noted that at the Council of Fashion Designers of America event this week, “Everyone was drinking champagne at her table but her,” most likely because one single champagne bubble takes Rachel up to a new dress size. As for Zoe and her friends’ conversation, “It seems like all they talked about was babies.” Guys, they were probably just excited about trying on the new line at Baby Gap.  Either way,  Rachel, we hope you’re weathering the rumors of your impending mama-hood well. And seriously, go home and get some shut-eye. [Photo: Wire Image]

by (@hallekiefer)

Brandy Says She Hasn’t Had Sex In Years, Basically Asks Flo Rida To Fix That

Proving once again that people do reality TV out of sheer desperation, current DWTS contestant Brandy admits that she hasn’t had sex in forever and a day, saying, “I haven’t been with a man seriously and in love in six years. And, honestly, I tend to abstain if I’m not in a relationship.” Let’s see…Brandy is currently 31…minus the 6…o my god, Brandy stopped having sex before we started having sex! But let’s be real, it wasn’t really that long, was it? “Um, no. But it’s been a long time. We’re talking years”, Brandy admits. Wow, and we were just about to start a letter-writing campaign to remind everyone how sexy Brandy is. Everyone was all like, “Why would you do that? Is this because you were obsessed with Moesha growing up?”. The answers being, “because we want to” and “YES”. Now it turns out Brandy really does need us! We can have those envelopes in the mail within the hour!

The singer’s interview quickly turned into a personal ad when Brandy casually brought up her love for rapper Flo Rida, claiming, “I was very interested in him. I mean, how can you not be — he’s very attractive. But there was just something about us that didn’t click.” Ugh, what is the point of being beautiful, famous and toned within an inch of your life from competitive dancing if you can sleep with Flo Rida and/or Flo Rida-esque men? This is so frustrating for the doughy nobodies like us! Good luck, Brandy, and remember: you don’t have to have sex to be cool. At least that’s what our moms say! 

by (@hallekiefer)

Julianne Moore The “Hundred-Year-Old Model”

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Oh please, girlfriend. When asked about modeling for Bulgari, Julianne Moore joked, “I like to call myself the hundred-year-old model.” Apparently Julianne wants all the actual hundred-year-old models to cry themselves to sleep tonight into their orthopedic neck pillows, because at 50 Moore has dewier skin than we had in the womb. IN THE WOMB, PEOPLE. Still, better to be an ancient hot lady than an eleven-year-old alien like 98% of  models, we always say. It’s true, we always say that!

Despite being the holy grail of MILFs, Moore’s not afraid to lay down some real talk for her fellow olds: “I’m always shocked by people who talk about not being middle-aged, I’m like, ‘How old do you think you’re going to live? Let’s double your age and see where you get.’ People are always like, ‘Thirty-five is not middle-aged.’ I’m like, ‘Double it.’” Don’t worry, guys. By the time we’re Julianne’s age, they will have cured aging all together. Hmm, but that will increase the ratio of hundred-year-old models. Can Julianne Moore handle the competition?

Moore also shared her perspective on tongue-wrestling other ladies, saying, “I don’t really think it’s different kissing a woman vs. a man. I don’t think it really is. The difference is kissing someone you know versus someone you don’t.” Yeah, sure, maybe if you don’t live life on the edge. Hats off to Julianne for being one cool lady, and probably a super-embarrassing mom.

by (@hallekiefer)

Zach Galifianakis In “Deep Protest” Over The Hangover 2; Nerd Army Poised To Rise Up

Bradley Cooper. Ed Helms. That other guy. All amazing performers, all great in The Hangover. But let’s be real here: we are all going to see the sequel mainly to be hit with an intense, hairy blast of comedy named Alan. However, currently comedian Zach Galifianakis is “up in arms” over something in The Hangover 2… and we as a people stand behind him.

Galifianakis revealed during the podcast Comedy Death-Ray Radio, “But a movie you’re acting in, you don’t have a lot of control — you just show up and vomit your lines out. I’m not the boss. I’m in a deep protest right now with a movie I’m working on, up in arms about something. But I can’t get the guys to [listen] … I’m not making any leeway.” The podcast’s host Scott Aukerman began to say, “I know you’re filming The Hhhhhhhh … “, before Zach cut him off saying, “It has something to do with a movie I’m working on, yeah. I’ll tell you about it later. It’s very frustrating.”  SHUT IT DOWN. SHUT. IT. DOWN. NOW. Whatever it is bothering our future comedy husband, it has no part being in this film. Pluck it out immediately and replace it with an equal amount of Ken Jeong, because that guy is amazing.

So what could be so grossly offensive as to send a professional joke-teller into a “deep protest”? Some have postulated that it was the recent announcement of Mel Gibson’s cameo in The Hangover 2, which would make sense given that Gibson seems to have completed his transformation into Gollum. We hope those rumors aren’t true, though; we wouldn’t want to see Zach have to go up against Mel. It would be like a velociraptor fighting a Popple.

by (@hallekiefer)

Kanye Discusses Contemplating Suicide

A world without Kanye West is not an acceptable alternative to a world filled with his bizarre tweets, insanely high self-esteem and ever-rotating parade of jaw-droppingly gorgeous lady friends. Thank god he feels the same way, despite Kanye’s admission that he has contemplated suicide. At a screening for his upcoming film Runaway, featuring Nicky Minaj as well as West’s rumored girlfriend Selita Banks, Kanye described himself as a “soldier for culture”, but that “there were times that I contemplated suicide,”  promising that “I will not give up on life again.” Said West, “There’s so many people that will never get the chance to have their voice heard. I do it for them.” We aren’t exactly sure what being a culture soldier would entail, but either way, we love you, Kanye!

West didn’t say when he had considered suicide, but we’re glad he’s doing better.  Without Kanye, who would bring us nude photos courtesy of MySpace? Or deliver unto us butt-naked phoenixes drawn by an 8-year-old, about which West tweeted today, “I’m deeply sorry if I haven’t offended everybody”? Kanye might think he’s better than Michalangelo, Fellini and Aretha Franklin rolled into one, but that diva never stops making us smile…and roll our eyes…and stare at our computer screen in a mix of confusion and disgust. And for that, we are eternally grateful.

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki Finally Meets Her True Love

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And it’s as gross, confusing and adorable as you would expect, as Snooki tweets the pickle pancake her unnamed mystery boyfriend cooked for her. Do we even need to say barf? In case we do: barf. Twitter-squeals Snickers, “Omg my boyfriend made me a pickle pancake…yeahhhh he’s amazing!” Few can forget our first glimpse of Snickers in the pilot episode of Jersey Shore,  happily clutching a glistening, briny pickle betwixt her eight-inch-long frosted acrylics and munching away. We know we personally have been going to therapy for months to try to move past it! We still can’t sleep through the night!

After her long and storied romantic history of fame-whores, epic creepers and (we’re assuming) John McCain, it’s super sweet to see girlfriend with a man who seems to truly get her. That being said, we the viewing audience are now are faced with two equally horrifying options. One, Snooki is actually going to eat that thing. And immediately die, if we had to guess. Two, Snickers is just messing with us and her man-friend is playing off her well-known fondness for the phallic green treat. Which means that the pancakes are…ironic? And Snooki is…in on the joke? No, it can’t be. Someone from Jersey Shore is becoming self-aware? IS THIS REAL LIFE? [Photo: Snooki's Twitter]

by (@hallekiefer)

Anne Hathaway Weeps During Sex Scene With Jake Gyllenhaal…But Not From Pure Joy?!?!

As if we needed more proof that celebrities are just like us, apparently Anne Hathaway cried during her sex scenes with Jake Gyllenhaal. We totally understand, Anne! The idea of getting naked with Jake would make us weep with happiness too. It’s like crying at your wedding when you turn to meet your future husband, Jake Gyllenhaal, or at the birth of a child, who looks just like his father, Jake Gyllenhaal. Says Hathaway, during the filming of their movie Love & Other Drugs, “I was a wreck from start to finish. I think I cried every single day. I had to lean so much more heavily on everyone around me than I’m used to. I’m used to pulling my own weight. But I totally fell apart.” Wha wha wha? We assumed getting naked with Jake G. would be like slipping into a hot tub filled with warm bearded smiles.! Though now that we think about it though, it would be pretty nerve-wracking to be naked next to the most gorgeous man alive. We’d want to get a full body transplant just to wear a tank-top in front of him.

Hathaway describes their characters saying:  “These are people who have no trouble taking their clothes off — in a way, their bodies are their currency. But they’re terrified of exposing their vulnerability, of becoming emotionally naked.” Humminuh humminuh! We stopped reading after “clothes off”. Did we mention that Jake’s character is (we are not even kidding) a Viagra salesman?  A VIAGRA SALESMAN. We think they based this movie off a crazy dream we once had. If at the end Anne realizes she’s in her  high school math class totally naked without having studied for the test, then someone has definitely been reading our dream journal! [Photos: \Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kim Kardashian Now “Too Old” To Pose Nude; Thank Goodness She Thought Ahead

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The nation mourns today after Kim Kardashian declared herself “too old” to pose nude, leaving the country”s horny distraught and left to paw the dozens of naked pictures Kardashian has already done. Following her 30th birthday last Thursday Kim sighed, “I don’t know [if I'll pose nude again]. I’m too old for that now…I wanted to get it all out of my system before I turned 30.” Because as everyone knows, on the strike of midnight on your 30th birthday, your hair turns gray, your teeth become loose, and your monumental butt drops like two bowling balls released from the top of the Empire State Building and comes crashing down onto the little waist-mounted cart you now have to wheel it around. That happened to you guys too, right?

Luckily for fans and historians alike, Kardashian was thoughtful enough to plan ahead and record herself in the all together for all time in Playboy, a sex tape, this month’s infamous W magazine shoot and, most likely, text messages to 80% of the NFL line-up. More interesting to Kim than her birthday suit is her growing fashion sense. Kardashian says her “style has evolved to be a little more sophisticated. It’ll probably just keep on evolving in that direction.” Unless of course…Kim thinks a thin layer of silver paint IS high fashion? If so, we can’t wait to see what 31 looks like!*

*Probably super naked.