Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Chelsea Handler And Nick Cannon Start World War III Over Twitter

It was comedian vs comedian, or at least comedian vs. Nick Cannon, after Chelsea Handler ripped on Nick Cannon’s comedy tour via Twitter last night. “I just heard nick cannon is starting a comedy tour. Who’s going to do the comedy?”, Handler tweeted, apparently forgetting that everyone and their mother has a Twitter, including Mariah Carey’s better half. Cannon quickly replied to Chelsea that, “I actaully used to have respect for you as a comic. But for one artist to diss another in the same art form. #Tasteless”. Hard to believe, but that nasty little exchange is down-right classy compared to what comes next. Chelsea proceeded to whip out the coup de grace of poorly thought out Twitter replies, by tweeting a picture of a grape soda at Nick, which, real talk, is the Twitter version of invading Poland, escalation-wise. Cannon preceded showed of his comic stylings by riffing on Chelsea hard-core, some of his choicest tweets including:

  • Just talked to @50cent He said he made @chelseahandler get G-Unit tattooed on her balls!
  • @Chelseahandler @Howardstern @Eminem Why do all these angry ugly whitetrash folks want beef with me? What I do? I’m a harmless corny dude!
  • @50cent wasn’t hitting @chelseahandler they was just sharing testosterone tips

And our personal favorite:

  • @chelseahandler Looks like she got hit in the face with a hot bag nickels!

Oh and Snap! Man, getting hit with a bag of nickels would hurt already, right? But then if they were hot? And it was your face? Nick gets points for creativity if nothing else. Both Handler and Cannon are now dealing with each other’s enraged fans, and probably will be for weeks. The thing is, neither Chelsea nor Nick is a stranger to public brawls, as Perez Hilton and Eminem (and probably dozens of other people) can attest. So you think they would know better, right? Ah, forget it, guys; it’s Twitter Town.

by (@hallekiefer)

Johnny Knoxville Talks About His Horrible Penis-Related Injuries


If you have a wiener, you need’ll to be seated or lying down to read this post, as you will probably slip into unconsciousness during the first paragraph. In a Vanity Fair article about his new movie Jackass 3-D, Johnny Knoxville admits that years of penis-punishing pranks have caused some damage in his bathing suit area….like, serious damage. Says Knoxville of his meat and two veg, “It’s just like a dog’s chew-toy down there. I broke my penis about three years ago trying to backflip a motorcycle. So that did’t help its appearance, although it’s pretty cute. I still have to use a catheter twice a day and it’s been three years now.” TWO TIMES A DAY?!? We just left our bodies and floated up onto the ceiling, that’s how painful that sounds.

Explains Knoxville, “No, I can piss without it. I just have to keep the scar tissue from constricting down there. It looks like a sock that’s lost its elasticity. You know the kind that droop around your ankles? That’s what my penis looks like.” Whose socks look like that?!?! Throw those socks away and get new ones! We have to say though, the Jackass guys have always been the only TV and film stars we think really earn their money. Are Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise risking a torn scrotum or life-long catheter use with their movies’ stunts? No. No, they are not.

However, as Jackass 3D co-star Bam Margera points out, junk-related stunts aren’t all bad: “I think the only one who came out ahead in this movie is Chris (Pontius). He did a skit called “The Helicockter” where he tied a string to his penis and the other end was attached to a remote-control helicopter. It ripped off so hard, he said he gained a few inches.” Do not do that at home, you guys. No woman in the world cares about size that much.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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by (@hallekiefer)

Vince Vaughn Defends Gay Electric Car Joke; Gay Electric Cars Up In Arms

Despite getting called out by Anderson Cooper on Ellen AND having Universal remove it from the film’s trailer, still Vince Vaughn defends the gay joke in his new film The Dilemma. Says Vaughn, “Let me add my voice of support to the people outraged by the bullying and persecution of people for their differences, whatever those differences may be. Comedy and joking about our differences breaks tension and brings us together. Drawing dividing lines over what we can and cannot joke about does exactly that; it divides us. Most importantly, where does it stop.” Why, if Vince Vaughn can’t make egregiously unfunny jokes at the expense of homosexuals in his terrible-looking movies, then by god, we might as well just move to CANADA already!

The joke, in case you haven’t heard it by now is that, “Electric cars are gay.” Get it? Because….um, you know, how they…drive around? Look, we understand people have different opinions about gay cars: whether they should be allowed to marry other gay cars, if it’s legal to discriminate against them based on their rainbow-colored paint jobs, whether they should be allowed to  adopt go-carts. Further more, The Dilemma is a comedic romp where in which Vaughn finding out Kevin James’ wife cheating is cheating on him. So a joke about electric cars being super gay is necessary, nay, vital to the plot! It’s a pretty sticky situation, but if it makes gay activists feel any better, no one on the planet wants to see this movie. And yeah, we mean BEFORE they heard about the gay joke .[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Madonna Bad-Mouths The Only Reason We Still Like Madonna


Ugh, Madonna! Look, we strain to look past your fake accent, your infant or roid-filled boyfriends, and the last, oh let’s say, 8 albums you’ve made, to try and like you. Why do we go through the hassle? Because of one amazing movie, which we now find out you were bad-mouthing the whole time! In letter written during filming to her friend Steven Meisel, Madonna trash-talks A League Of Their Own, the greatest movie ever made, as well as Geena Davis, Chicago, and “girls” as a collective group. Says Madonna, “I cannot suffer any more than I have in the past month learning how to play baseball with a bunch of girls (yuk) in Chicago (double yuk) I have a tan, I am dirty all day and I hardly ever wear make-up.” We would scream but our throats are too busy closing up with rage!

“Penny Marshall is Lavern – Geena Davis is a Barbie doll and when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago,” Madonna snarks. Geena Davis is twice the woman Madonna is (in both height and acting ability)! The way we see it: complaining about filming A League Of Their Own is like complaining about being at the signing of the Declaration of Independence: if you’re bored, then that’s a personal problem. We are only thankful she didn’t insult Rosie O’Donnell, or else she’d be in the process of getting her right-colored hair slapped off her head. [Photo: Hard Rock Memorabilia]

by (@hallekiefer)

Taylor Momsen Sizes Up Pam And Tommy Lee’s Sex Tape, Finds His “Performance” Lacking


Her mom must have just taken the child security code off the family computer, because why else would Taylor Momsen be talking about the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee sex tape so long after it happened? Didn’t that thing come out when Taylor was like, 2? Pardon us while we dry-heave over that thought. Quoth Momsen, “If it’s a good sex tape, I’ll watch it … I like some adult stars. I have a couple favorites.” Ah yes, only finest sex tapes for our little Taylor!

Momsen then added:  “But I will say this: That Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson video wasn’t very good. I wouldn’t f**k Tommy Lee.” Also because he is old enough to be your father, right? RIGHT? Don’t worry Taylor, we doubt Tommy Lee is crying into his pillow because you won’t hop into bed with him. Ew, actually knowing him, he probably is.

Momsen apparently didn’t get enough attention that a day, because she also blabbed about how Heidi Montag just recorded a song Taylor wrote…when she was in second grade. Said Momsen, “I wrote a pop song [called ‘Blackout’ when I was 8] and recorded it with a producer as a demo. Heidi Montag from ‘The Hills’ just recently sang it and put it out as her single. I’m like , OK, dude, you’re singing an 8-year-old’s words, but that’s cool.” Dislike both of them so much….struggling to decide…who to make fun of…first! Slowly…losing…consciousness. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Amy Winehouse Under The Impression She Dresses Like An “Old Jewish Black Man”

Amy Winehouse’s fashion sense has always moved between styles, but who knew it also transcended race, age and the space-time continuum? When told that some people think of her as a style icon, Winehouse replied “I don’t think that’s true. I just dress like … I’m an old black man. Sorry! Like I’m an old Jewish black man. I just dress like it’s still the ’50s.” Oh lordy. Well, at least she said sorry. That makes all of us!

So the question here is, has Amy…seen her herself recently? Like, in a mirror? Maybe Winhouse was rocking vintage for a while back in her hey day, but most of her recent outfits have more in common with Forever 21 than 1956. And we’re almost positive that the majority of eldery Jewish African-American men aren’t rocking plunging necklines that best highlight their implants, or match their gold hoop earrings to the tattoos peaking through their mesh tank-tops. If we’re wrong, then someone has the most amazing grandpa alive.

According to the interview in Harper’s, Winehouse’s newest venture is a collection with designer Fred Perry, which we can only assume has the skin-tight pencil skirts, revealing v-neck blouses and flirty halter-top dresses that every grandparent loves. When it hits stores, be sure to pick up something for yourself, and a little something for your Pop-pop!

by (@hallekiefer)

Gavin Rossdale Admits To Gay Fling With Pop Star, Though Really Who Hasn’t?


Man, can we go just one week without a faded rocker admitting to a fling with a cross-dressing gay British pop star? That what’s our fantasy celeb gossip blog would look like…and today it’s coming true! Despite denying a relationship in the past, Gavin Rossdale now admits to a gay fling with pop-star Marilyn, formerly known as Peter Robinson. When question about it in a new Details interview, Gwen Stefani’s better half says, “It’s not something I’ve talked about really because it’s always been in the glare of a tabloid world. It’s just one of those things: Move on. When you’re 17, Jesus Christ. I don’t think there’s anything strange about any form of–you’re learning about life. It’s a part of growing up. That’s it. No more, no less.” Good think Gavin’s career needs a boost so he is finally reading to talk about it…and for the tabloids to scream like a little girl over it!

When asked if it was a one-time fling, Rossdale claims, “That was it. You have to know what you like, and I know what I like.” Hmm…porcelain skin, long blond hair, devastating cheek bones…yup, he is definitely sure! [Photo: Getty]

by (@hallekiefer)

Antoine Dodson Is Our Favorite Everything

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If we had kids or a wife, the last thing we’d want to hide them from is Antoine Dodson at the BET Hip-Hop Awards last night (ugh, that joke was a stretch, even for us). Dodson appeared briefly in all of his red bandana’ed glory for a short “best of” version of the Bed Intruder song, which everyone has been loving/hating/incredibly offended by for weeks now. In case you’ve never heard or seen the famous meme (for example, you had been frozen in a glacier for thousands of years until earlier today) Dodson’s amazing televised rant at his sister’s unknown assailant was embraced by the Internet and turned into a beautiful song…an Autotuned song.

Michael Gregory of the Gregory Brothers, one member of the group who originally Autotuned the song played the keyboard, which was okay considering nobody cares about him at all. The point is, when Antoine walked on stage, that audience was so loud, you would have thought we were in the audience. Said Dodson,  “I don’t call people and say, ‘Hey, I want to be on your show.’ They reached out to me and said, ‘You are the hot topic right now, so we want you to be on the show.'” We are proud students of the Get That Money, Honey School Of Performance, so whether Dodson’s tune makes you want to play it at your wedding or throw away your computer and move to Canada, we applaud any accolades or cash he receives from his fans. Run and tell, run and tell, run and tell that!

by (@hallekiefer)

Courteney Cox Arquette Offered $1 Million To Be Official Queen Of The Cougars

The ink has barely dried on David Arquette’s thousands of apology letters and already the cougar community is roaring to claim wife Courteney as their queen. Following the news of their separation, Courteney Cox Arquette was offered a $1 million contract to represent, a dating site for older lady “cougars” looking for younger male “cubs” and oh god, is that Aunt Karen on here?! Considering the couple is not technically divorced yet, we doubt Courteney will go for it. And guys, didn’t she just say she didn’t want to be anybody’s mother? We know this isn’t exactly the same, but we’re sure Freud would say we’re close.

The contract, should she sign it, would require Courteney to voice 12 radio ads, appear in 4 TV ads, and make at least 30 public appearance over the course of the year. Dang, that’s a lot of work! We though cougaring was all about squeezing into leopard skin dresses and chugging mai tais. Who knew? We say go for it, Courteney. The worst that could happen is that you’ll make a million dollars. Besides that, you’ll be helping people like your friend whose name rhymes with Shmennifer Shmaniston find hot young studs to be dumped by.

by (@hallekiefer)

Taylor Swift Dreams Of A Jay-Z Collaboration. We Say Dream On, Honey.


The music you jam out to and the music you cry into your high school yearbook to might be all on the same album if Taylor Swift’s dream of collaborating with Jay-Z comes true.  Swift gushed to Ladies Home Journal,”Our genres are completely different, but there could be something cool about that.” Man, when did Ladies Home Journal get so hip? Hmm, we don’t know if that idea is going to fly. Jay-Z doesn’t seem like the type to go in for syrupy country ballads. Then again, chances are if wife Beyonce sees Taylor’s doe eyes fill with tears, she’ll rush in and fix everything.

Swift’s other goal? “Seeing my album in Starbucks …. I go there every day and stare longingly at the CDs they sell.” Hey! Our goal is to be able to afford one of those albums at Starbucks! Who knew us and Taylor were so alike? We, of course, hope girlfriend gets everything she’s ever dreamed of. Us? We’re going to see if we have enough change buried in the couch cushions to get a subscription to Ladies Home. [Photo: Getty/Stephen Mao]