Well it finally happened: Jennifer Aniston has been a pop culture punchline so long that even the elderly have caught on! In a recent interview, soap opera legend and woman of a thousand husbands Joan Collins zinged Jennifer Aniston, America’s Cathy, by saying “When I was young, everybody on screen was gorgeous. I have to say, there aren’t that many good looking actresses around today. I mean, there’s Angelina Jolie and there’s… Angelina Jolie.” And then there’s MS. JOAN COLLINS! Joan continued, “Jennifer Aniston is cute, but I wouldn’t call her beautiful. She’s no Ava [Gardner] or Lana [Turner]“, which Joan should know, considering they went to kindergarten with her grandchildren. Ba-zing!
Collins also waxed philosophical on the foolishness of the living..we mean, on actresses getting plastic surgery: “Women who turn to cosmetic procedures look ghastly. They don’t look like themselves. I quite like the way I look, I’m quite happy with the way I look and I really don’t want to change it.” Joan then coughed up a lungful of crypt dust and settled back in for another hundred-year sleep. To be fair, Ms. Collins is married to a 44-year-old while we, and Jennifer Aniston, are married to a nobody-year-old. Who’s the grave creature now, hmmm?*[Photo: Getty Images]
*Still Joan Collins.
That’s a trick question! They are both as classy as fine wine served out of a box, or a string quartet conducted by Coco. Following an excruciatingly personal interview with Howard Stern this morning about his separation from wife Courteney Cox Arquette, David Arquette’s one-night stand Jasmine Waltz (well, okay, maybe two nights) is helping him down the slippery slope to public self-destruction with her long list of Hollywood exes. In addition to the apologetic Arquette, Waltz has dated, in ascending order of lameness, Chris Pine, Jess McCartney, Rod Stewart’s son Sean, and Ryan Seacrest. Normally we’d give a pass to anyone whose had their sheets ruined by Seacrest’s spray-tan sweat, but our allegiance to Monica…um, we mean Courteney runs too deep.
Not only has she taken most of the B-List for a test-drive, but reportedly Waltz also punched Lindsay Lohan this summer while working at nightclub Voyeur. Just to be clear: Waltz was on the clock when she may or may not have decked LiLo, which she denies happened. “All I have to say is that disturbed little train wreck is delusional,”, Jasmine claimed at the time, as only another train wreck can. So is Waltz a villain, or just a celebrity gold digger that dug on the wrong man? Did David Arquette really not know all of this was going to blow up in his face? So many questions remain, though the question “Why exactly did Courteney leave?” seems pretty much been answered.
To paraphrase Chris Rock, your only goal as a parent is to keep your daughter off the pole. But if you’re already on the pole, getting your daughter into Esquire and on TV seems pretty good too! As she reveals in the latest issue, Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive Minka Kelly’s mom was a stripper…and the Friday Night Lights actress wouldn’t have it any other way. Says Minka, “She was a stripper. It was all about what we could do to have fun with nothing. She would come home at like three, four o’clock in the morning, and she would wake me up in the middle of the night and we’d go grocery shopping.” And some moms make Rice Krispies treats! People have all different ideas about what’s fun.
“My mom lived a fast life,” Kelly explains, “That was so much fun. We would have a blast and buy a hundred dollars in groceries. It was just the best day ever.” The 30-year-old girlfriend of Derek Jeter also recounts how she almost got free breast implants, but decided at the last minute that, duh, she was already supernaturally attractive. When you basically look like the prettiest cheerleader in school times ten, massive boobs are really just overkill. [Photo: Esquire]
Daniel Radcliffe could not be more excited about his upcoming musical, and no, it has nothing to do with the music, choreography or acting! Gushed Radcliffe about starring How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, “I’ve been in relationships from the age of 14 and now I’m single. I said to a friend the other day, ‘Dude, I’m doing a show with dancers. I’ve got to be single.’ He was like, ‘Don’t sleep with anyone in your own show. That’s a mistake.’ It’s good advice. But I’m not sure I’ll stick to it.” Did we miss something? Do all dancers have a Harry Potter fetish? Do they only date guys under 5’5″ so they can high-kick over their heads? Oh, they like 21-year-old millionaires? Hmmm, maybe this Harry Potter kid is smarter than he looksÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Radcliffe’s show opens in spring 2011, and he’s hoping his fly will too, despite the fact that he has stepped out with lady friend Olivia Uniacke as recently as August. We love the idea that Daniel dumped his girlfriend in a rush because he heard Broadway dancers are collectively a sure thing. Let’s just hope none of them read this! Ah, who are we kidding? None of them read.
Ugh. As if Gwyneth Paltrow’s tale of epic inappropriateness wasn’t enough, now Lisa Rinna’s casting couch experience is out in the open…and mega-gross. Says Rinna, when she was 24 “I lost a role on a BIG TV series because I wouldn’t bend over a chair in a producers office for ‘just a quickie.’” Excuse us, we have to clean all this barf off our keyboards now. Explains Lisa, “‘Just pull your panties down and bend over and the role is yours,’ he said to me.” Ugh, what is wrong with people that they would ask that ofÃ‚Â someone? Don’t they know this barf is very difficult to clean from between all these little keys?!?
Reportedly Rinna has never told anyone the producerÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s name, not even husband Harry Hamlin. Lisa did see the creep again however, this time at a red-carpet event while she was appearing on Melrose Place. The producer came up to congratulate her (see, this is why you always carry a taser) and Lisa told him, “I know everyone in this town and if you ever do what you did to me again to anyone else I will tell everyone your dirty secret.” If we were Rinna, we would just wait to announce his name during our Emmy acceptance speech for Harry Loves Lisa. Or in sky-writing. Heck, if Lisa wants to whisper it in our ear we’ll slowly drive down Broadway with a bullhorn right now!
While rest of us have to listen to his hit song about domestic abuse, Eminem refuses to use profanity in front of his children. Says Eminem, “I’m a parent. I have daughters. I don’t cuss. I mean, how would I really sound, as a person … walking around my house [saying] ‘Bitch, pick this up,’ you know what I mean?” Umm…it would sound like every song you’ve ever written? We guess that’s what it would sound like?
We respect that every person has the right to parent their own way, but considering that one of Eminem’s most famous songs describes taking his daughter Hailie with him to disposal of his ex-wife Kim’s body, we think the cat is out of the bag with regards to no-no words. Continues Eminem,”Profanity around my house? No, I feel like it’s your job to parent them.” Which is funny, because now this story makes us want our mommy. [Photo: Getty Images]
Watch out paparazzi! Russell Brand is looking to shove dudes and smash cameras, and not even the law can’t stop him! Arrested for battery following a run-in with a photographer he claims was taking an upskirt of lady friend Katy Perry, it turns out Russell Brand won’t be charged with anything. Now if you want to see Katy Perry’s underwear, you’ll just have to look at EVERY CONCERT PHOTO OF KATY PERRY EVER TAKEN.
Says the L.A. City Attorney’s Office spokesman Frank Mateljan of the dismissal, “This is the only action as of now. Based on the info, it has been determined that this is the most appropriate action at this time.” Mateljan then clutched his giant portfolio of Katy Perry panty pictures to his chest and gave a big wink. Oddly, while Brand won’t be thrown in the clink anytime soon, he must meet the photographer who put him under citizen’s arrest in court on Nov. 19, either to hug it out or be yelled at by a judge, we’re not sure. Wow, don’t let people know they can put unruly celebs under citizen arrest. Lindsay Lohan won’t be able to make it to the mailbox without being slide-tackled. [Photo: Getty Images]
In a new interview in Elle, amid tales of gassy babies and Dolly Parton, Gwyneth Paltrow reveals she was once asked to hit the casting couch in order to get a role. Whoa! Says Paltrow, “When I was just starting out, someone suggested that we finish a meeting in the bedroom. I left. I was pretty shocked. I could see how someone who didn’t know better might worry, ‘My career will be ruined if I don’t give this guy a blow job!” Ewww! Do you think it was an audition for Hook? Oh wait no, Gwyneth was actually in Hook. Hmmm… Seriously though, if Gwyneth, daughter of actress Blythe Danner and director Bruce Paltrow, was threatened with a blow job, Urbandictionary.com probably doesn’t have a name yet for what actresses who aren’t rich and connected have to do.
When asked about roles currently available for women, the GOOP queen says she feels “Kind of dejected. There’s a lot that’s okay, but there’s little that’s really good, especially for someone my age. Sometimes you find out that something you really liked is going to someone 10 years younger. I find it heartening that Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock have been able to find and create amazing projects.” Has she seen Mamma Mia or All About Steve? We’re sad to say, Gwyn, they can’t all be winners. [Photo: Getty Images]
We are clutching our pearls (note: they are actually Raisinets) at the drama going down as Solange Knowles calls Katy Perry out for her sexy California Girls video. Says Solange, “But seriously. Iontlike the fact dat Julez thinks he gotta sneak & watched California gurls on u tube. Katy Perry is polluting the chirrens.” Yeah, we would not want our 5-year-old sneaking off to watch Katy Perry either…or, really, our 25-year-old. On the other hand, maybe your 5-year-old shouldn’t have a computer. The 25-year-olds…well, there’s not much we can do about that. Yet…
Rants Knowles about the video, “It is like kiddie porn tho. All them damn colors, candy and shit….and then daisy dukes, breast shooting cream…” Solange, where have you been? This is Katy’s thing! If it’s not hyper-sexual, Skittle-colored and sort of nasal, it is not a Katy Perry original. And sure, there may be no telling how many little perverts were born the day Katy Perry doused an army of Gummy Bears with her chest cannons, but that’s not even the worst part! In Solange’s words, “And then Elmo and Tits!?” Which, lol. You have us there, Solange. We’re willing to sign a petition right now to keep Katy Perry 500 feet away from children’s eyeballs, but still, this is all going to look pretty silly once we see Solange dancing in Jolly Rancher booty shorts on The Backyardigans. [Photo: Getty Images]
According to Rihanna, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga must be texted prior to every red carpet event. Why? So they don’t end wearing the same neon wack-a-doo frock as their friends! Says Rihanna, “My worst nightmare would be a clash on the red carpet – so we all text each other before to make sure.” But the clash of Rihanna’s hair and everything else on the planet, that one’s okay?
“We’re all kind of fearless with fashion. So Katy and I speak all the time about what we’re going to wear. And Gaga,” Rihanna explained. AND GAGA? No offense, Rihanna, but Gaga would look at your text, delete it and then get lowered by her team of stylists into a 12-foot-tall wedding dress made out of astronaut ice cream. You aren’t even playing the same game as her; there’s no need to check on the competition.
But Katy Perry? That’s understandable. Rihanna recalls, “One time we were going to the Met Ball, and Katy phoned me to check. We were like Oh My God, we were both going in this dress by Dolce and Gabbana with Marilyn Monroe’s face all over it. She was like, ‘You can’t. I’ve had my nails done in mink and it matches the dress. I thought, seeing as she’d gone to all that effort, I’d let her wear it.” Aw! Well, that was sweet of Rihanna. Knowing her, she’ll just wear her copy of the dress to walk her dog, or clean the bathtub. [Photos: Getty Images/ Splash News Online]