Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Sarah Palin Blurts Out That Dancing With The Stars Wanted Husband Todd, Not Bristol

In her never-ending quest to make us feel so bad for her entire family, now Sarah Palin claims Dancing With The Stars wanted husband Todd, not Bristol as a contestant this season. Ouch, Mom! Says Palin, “They wanted Todd to be on the show. I think that would have been cool to see, too. But here Bristol is, out of her comfort zone, doing something all new.” The Palins! They’re just like us, if we were an insane family of attention-whores. Seriously though, this has to burn Bristol. It’s like finding our your prom date asked your father first, then only asked you because your dad said no. And then you said yes because you have no better options!

But taking her dad’s sloppy seconds wasn’t Bristol’s primary concern about going on DTWS. She was mainly worried about, you know, being a terrible dancer. Says Mama Griz, “In fact, when Bristol said, ‘I don’t know how to dance,’ I told her, just think of it as learning some basketball plays.” Ah yes, basketball: a graceful ballet of 6’8″ athletes thundering down the court to the sound of their own ACLs tearing. That advice probably explains Bristol’s sub-par performance this week, though we bet Todd would have burned up that floor like the beautiful man-demon he is. Ah well, maybe next season…

by (@hallekiefer)

Amy Winehouse Claims She Hasn’t Done Drugs In 3 YEARS!?!?

Somebody call a doctor, a lawyer and an exorcist now, because apparently Amy Winehouse hasn’t done drugs in 3 YEARS. W-w-which means…whatever is wrong with her…is not drug-related! Says Winehouse,”I’m much healthier now. I used to use drugs and I haven’t used drugs in almost three years. It’s not a hard thing. I literally woke up one day and was like, ‘I don’t want to do this any more’.” Oh no! Could her hair have absorbed so much heroin that it’s still seeping into her brain? Because we cannot believe that is true! Here is just a short list of Amy’s antics over the past year or so that were apparently in no way caused by drugs!

What we’re saying is: that list could probably be used by doctors and the police to screen for drug use. Oh, wait a minute…Amy’s not counting booze, is she? *Phew* That explains everything! It seems that family planning, not just avoiding an early death, is what’s driving Amy’s sobriety this time: “I’m of the age when you start thinking about it. Although I’m not going to be getting pregnant in the next nine months!” WHERE IS THAT EXORCIST?!?! WE NEED NEED TO GET HIS NUMBER ON SPEED DIAL STAT!

by (@hallekiefer)

Victoria Beckham Too Busy Staring At David’s Hot Body To Hear His Squeaky Voice

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How we love it when celebrities confirm what everyone’s been saying behind their backs. We had always assumed Victoria Beckham was too busy drooling over David’s body to hear his oddly high voice, and we love being right! Says Victoria, “I don’t really notice that he’s got a high-pitched voice. I just think he’s so goddamn perfect that people have to find something wrong with him.” We can all agree that David Beckham is so profoundly hot, he must have at least one flaw or the universe would implode on itself. But honestly, when you see him talk, he comes off like Tweety Bird and Mickey Mouse’s  super-jacked, tattoo-covered baby.

Claims Victoria, “He just naturally looks good all the time. He never looks like s**t in the morning. Never. So he’s sitting there sending his e-mails, all ripped. Not an ounce of fat on him. And I thought,’You done good, girl.’ I sure wasn’t thinking of his high-pitched voice.” The reporter then doused Victoria with ice-cold water until she stopped panting long enough to finish the interview. All kidding aside, we really do appreciate her honesty. David’s voice might set off car alarms, but once  you have your tongue in his mouth you can probably pretend he sounds like Gerard Butler, or Bea Arthur, or anyone else with a beautiful baritone voice. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Christina Hendricks Claims Karen Elson Jacked Her Haircolor Back When She Was A Model

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It’s hard to believe now, given that her curves are the leading cause of heart attack in the United States and Europe, but at one point Christina Hendricks was a size 4 model…who had her hair color stolen by model Karen Elson. Ginger fight!

In a new interview, Christina explains how Elson, also know as Jack White’s wife, found success off the Mad Men star’s signature look, revealing how “I was in Milan, and you would see the same girls at castings. There was one girl—she was like, ‘I can’t get any work. I’m so sick of this, I’m ready to quit. I love your hair color. What do you color your hair with?’ and I was like, ‘Oh, it’s red. Here’s my formula.’ It was Karen Elson. A couple of weeks later, she had bright-red hair. Sorry, Karen, but you did ask about my hair color.” Since then both women have become extremely successful, and both married husbands with weird buggy-eyes. Coincidence? Well, okay, probably.

Not that competing redheads were Hendricks’ only problem. Already a skinny minny, Christina’s agents told her she had to drop 10 more lbs. Says Hendricks, “I remember thinking, You’re crazy! I said okay, but I didn’t do it. It seems that models have gotten smaller. I was a 4, but now they’re a 0 or 2.” Because nothing makes us want to buy clothes more than seeing them on gaunt skeleton people! Christina eventually stopped fighting the hot and turned into the boner-inducing swan she is today. The people of the Western World could not be more grateful.

by (@hallekiefer)

Betty White Will Never Stop Wanting To Have Sex

And why should she?!? America’s Favorite Memaw Betty White claims your sex drive never disappears, no matter how old you are. As the sexiest senior citizen we know, we’re inclined to believe her. Says White in AARP, “Does desire melt away with age? I’m waiting for that day to come.” Pointing to her head, Betty explained, “Sexual desire is like aging. A lot of it is up here.” Betty than pointed to the backseat of her Camero and gave everyone a big wink, just in case her grandkids didn’t feel awkward enough already.

White, who stars in the upcoming You Again with Jamie Lee Curtis and Kristen Bell, went on to dish about her first, brief marriage: “I married my first husband because we wanted to sleep together,” she claims. “It lasted six months and we were in bed for six months.” Seriously, imagine your own grandmother telling that to a wide-eyed reporter while handing him or her a Werther’s Original. We WISH our grannies were that awesome.

White spoke lovingly – and hornily – about her third husband Allen Ludden, saying that currently “I don’t have a fella, but if Allen – or Robert Redford – were around, we’d have a very active sex life.” Or both, Betty! Imagine all the three-ways she’ll be having…in Heaven. Betty White: actress, legend and truly an inspiration for nymphos everywhere.

by (@hallekiefer)

Katherine Heigl Quits Smoking The Old Fashioned Way: Robot Cigarettes!

What was it like before we had tiny robots to do everything for us? Don’t know, don’t care is our way of thinking! And since Katherine Heigl uses electronic cigarettes to quit smoking, we bet she feels the same way. Heigl visited The Late Show with David Letterman on his show last week to show of her nifty electronic cigarette, and probably promote some movie; we weren’t listening. We were too fixated on that robo-cigarette to care. It has a bejeweled bottom!

Explained Heigl, “I tried everything. I tried the patch, I tried the gum, I tried the Chantix twice, and went bananas.” Finally she had to resort to the electronic option, which replaces smoke with water vapor and with nicotine with…oh wait, no, there is still nicotine in it. But hey, no smoke is a giant step forward!

Not only is her new method healthier for her lungs,  Heigl’s attempts to quit have also transformed her into someone’s fun aunt. Puffing away on Letterman,  Heigl cracked, “Am I gonna be arrested by the PC police?”. Then as Dave took a hit, saying, “I’m not going to take a big one”, Heigl practically yelled, “That’s what she said!”  Wow, we really like new, trying-to-quit Katherine Heigl. It just goes to show it is true what we tell ourselves: everybody loves a quitter!

by (@hallekiefer)

Random New Couple Alert: 50 Cent and…Chelsea Handler?

Say why? Apparently sources are claiming 50 Cent and Chelsea Handler are more than just friends. But who even knew they were friends in the first place?! Reportedly the two were spotted together in New Orleans and Nashville over the last couple weekends, looking like more than acquaintances. Handler’s sidekick Chuy must be sobbing into his tiny baby-sized pillow with jealousy as we speak, poor guy.

As it turns out, Fiddy has not been shy about his crush on the late night host following an appearance this spring on Chelsea Lately, tweeting about how beautiful Handler is, and according to Chelsea, leaving her a voice mail saying, “Hey This is 50, I just want you to know that I was serious about asking you out. Just wanted to know if you are single.” Chelsea, in case it wasn’t clear: he is just that into you.

Some people have speculated this is some elaborate joke for Handler’s show, but we are hoping these lovebirds are for real. Two foul-mouthed, Twitter-obsessed celebrities in love? We couldn’t have made a better couple to blog about if we tried! [Photo: Getty Images/]

by (@hallekiefer)

Russell Brand Swoons Over Helen Mirren’s “Roaring Estrogen”

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Katy Perry might need to lock and load her whip-cream bra for another round, because if recent quotes are any indication, her fiance Russell Brand is basically in love with Helen Mirren, gushing, “She’s got that potency, doesn’t she? That’s why she can play queens and leaders.” Sort of icky, right?

Having made previous creepy comments about Mirren, his co-star in movies The Tempest and Arthur, Brand gushed about the actress’s “Confidence. Potency. Female energy. Roaring estrogen.” Russell is going to see some real roaring estrogen if he doesn’t keep his raging Mirren boner hidden from Katy’s ever-watchful eye. Helen might be 65 and married, but hey, not everyone’s fiance “used to” be a sex addict. Better safe than sorry.

Expounded Brand, “Women are, of course, powerful, feral creatures – the Earth being so female, the cosmos, even, perhaps being a female instinct, creating life. If women get in tune to that energy, it’ll destroy us all.” Wow, leave it to Russell Brand to take a boring question about a co-worker and end up at the destruction of the universe via lady power. Mirren immediately replied that she feels the same way about Russell “because he’s a brilliant talent’, then proceeded to mouth the words call me while holding her hand up to her ear like a telephone. [Photos: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

The Top Ten Most Disturbingly Awesome Things About Logo’s New Show: The A-List

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Logo’s The A-List: New York starts tonight and, despite what you may have heard, it is far from another Real Housewives clone. For example: way less bad plastic surgery, way more hot guys making out. In order to get you ready for the premiere, let us present you with the show’s top ten “guilty pleasure” moments, the ones that will make you embarrassed to admit how much you love The A-List…until you realize that everyone else secretly does too.

1. More chiseled abs than your eyeballs can handle: Best known as Lance Bass‘ ex and a former Amazing Race competitor, Reichen Lumkuhl cannot seem to keep his shirt on. And we ain’t complaining! Especially considering Reichen has what is commonly known in the medical community as a “24-pack.” When examining a photo he took for a fashion shoot, Reichen murmurs, “Your eyes go right to the nipples.” Believe us, yours will too.

2. Kelly Rowland has already made a cameo: Edgy fashion photographer Mike Ruiz shoots a veritable parade of fabulous guest stars, the first being a divalicious Rowland, wearing a jacket constructed out of toy lion heads. “Your girls look fierce”, Mike reassures her, which is what everyone wants to hear when they are wearing leather bat wings as a hat.

3. Lindsay Lohan crashes on their sofas: Former model and current model manager Derek Saathoff proudly describes how Lohan sleeps at his place while she visits New York. We hope he remembers to flip those couch cushions over when she leaves!

Read more…

by (@hallekiefer)

Wyclef Jean To Run For President Of Haiti In 2015, Which Gives Him 5 Years To Learn How

His first try might have ended in a slap fight with Sean Penn, but that’s not going to stop Wyclef Jean from running for President of Haiti in 2015. “I’m not a quitter, and the most important thing for me is, I think, to move Haiti forward. It’s gonna take modern thinking” Jean told Hip-Hop Weekly, “So, if all goes well, I plan to definitely come back in five years and give it another shot.” Jean then tore the plastic wrap off his copy of How To Become The President Of Haiti For Dummies and turned to the first page.

Wyclef lost the chance to run for the 2010 presidential election earlier this year after the electoral commission realized being the spokeperson for Ritz Crackers does not actually qualify someone to lead a country. We’re not going to lie; Jean’s recent hospitalization for stress doesn’t exactly fill us with a lot of faith. Because you know what’s probably the most stressful job on the face of the planet right now? Being the president of Haiti. We wish Wyclef well in his pursuits, and hope he succeeds as president if he ever manages get elected. And, hey, if nothing else: free Ritz for everybody!