Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey Prove Celebs Even Shower Better Than Us

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Not only do famous people already have better clothes, cars and hair than us, they also apparently shower better than us too. Can’t you let us have something, you stupid sexy celebs? For example, Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey shower together twice a day and make it sound like the ultimate expression of human love, as well as very drying.

Says Vanessa, “We shower, honestly, at least twice a day. We shower in the morning and we shower at some point during the day or before bed. It’s so funny because we’ve turned it into an intimate time for each other.” At least twice!  Do they sometimes shower more than that?! Vanessa and Nick, we love you, but keep that up and your skin is going to fall off in one piece like a snake’s.

According to Vanessa, “It’s not a sexual thing and it’s not a romantic thing, it just becomes an intimate thing. You’re in your full form, so to speak, and you’re vulnerable and we just both let our guard down. I’ve had some of my most intimate conversations with him in the shower.” But…but…but this goes against everything we know about two hot celebrities getting naked and soapy within ten feet of each other! That’s it. We are going on a shower strike until Vanessa and Nick learn to use theirs correctly. And since we blog from home, we were basically already doing that anyway! [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Justin Timberlake Is Iffy On Music Career, But Loves Acting So Much He’d Do It “Butt Naked”

Remember when the only acting Justin Timberlake did was as a marionette in the  Bye Bye Bye video? Or when he had to pretend to understand why Chris Kirkpatrick was in ‘N Sync at all? Those days are over now, and recently his success in film has Timberlake unsure about the future of his music career. As Justin explains, “I never stop making music. I don’t know what else to tell you, except that I just don’t know [in] what capacity I want to be involved anymore.” Anyone alive after 1997 associates Timberlake’s dulcet falsetto with the sound of a thousand panties gently dropping to the floor. Are we really going to lose that angel’s song?

At least we have Justin on the big screen, where we can continue to stare at him. Timberlake described his audition for The Social Network, explaining, “I have to fight against my music career–I’m cognizant of that. But I didn’t care. I loved the part and I wanted to do work with David [Fincher] so bad that I was like, ‘We can read this scene butt naked if you guys want.’” Disappointingly, that quote suggests that Justin did not play all of his scenes totally nude. We guess we’ll see the movie anyway (since it’s also supposed to be, you know, amazing and stuff) but still. Follow those acting instincts, Justin. That’s how you get an Oscar. If we were the ones giving out Oscars.

by (@hallekiefer)

Introducing The Younger, Significantly Less Insane Michael Lohan

Rarely seen and sort of hunky (in that Irish no-upper-lip way they all have) Michael Lohan Jr. defended his sister Lindsay after popping his head out of whatever burrow he lives in following his escape from the Lohan sideshow. “People she was surrounded by – enablers, leeches, whatever you’d like to call it – made things very difficult,” Michael told People. “It’s quite strenuous to right your wrongs when the people around you help justify your actions. Therefore, cloudy judgment made it easy for her to neglect those trying to guide her.” Michael then raised his eyebrows up real high and discreetly nodded his head toward the rest of his family.

Predictably, elder Michael Lohan immediately hulked out on ex-wife Dina, blaming her for using Michael Jr. “First, to spread her BS, and second as her new pawn.” Papa Lohan may pouty that he was purposely excluded when Michael said, “We — her mother, brothers, and sister — have been there for Lindsay every step of the way — despite what trashy news reports — and will continue to give her our support and strength during these arduous times,” even though it is a proven scientific fact that Michael  Sr. is a terrible influence on his daughter.

As sane as he appears now, we worry lil’ Mikey Lohan might be tempted to enter the insanity like the rest of his family. Once a Michael Lohan gets a taste of the limelight, there’s no going back. And once a Michael Lohan sees his shadow on the ground, there’s six more weeks of winter!

by (@hallekiefer)

The Grand Adventures Of The Situation And His Pinky-Sized Package

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Keep your eyes on those abs, ladies. Do not let them continue down the body. We knew there was no way someone could get, and stay, huge as The Situation if they weren’t “compensating” for something a little smaller below the belt. We mean, look at him! He must have started doing crunches in the womb.  According to one of the very many ladies he bedded while in Miami, the truth is that The Situation is packing a teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy situation…in his pants. Says club promoter and brief lover of our Jersey boy Melody Eckerson, “Let’s just say, I’m thinking of my pinky”. O snap! A million snaps. Steroids are a hell of a drug, man.

Continues Eckerson, “I wouldn’t even call it a one-night stand, because he only lasted a few minutes.” Dang girl! Normally we’d rush to the Sitch’s defense (eh, not really) but considering all the cracks he’s made at the expense of the various chicken cutlets, hippos and grenades that have splashed through that hot tub, he should have known at least one of them was going to come back and bite him in the crotch. With great abs comes great responsibility. And apparently, a baby-sized wiener. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Gasp! The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco and Johnny Galecki Had A Secret Nerd-Affair!

Squee! Much like the on-again, off-again lovahs they play, The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco and Johnny Galecki apparently had a steamy two-year-long romance. Even more like a sitcom plot? The whole relationship was a secret…from everyone. Reveals Cuoco, “It was such a huge part of my life and no one knew about it. It was a wonderful relationship but we never spoke a word about it and never went anywhere together. We were so protective of ourselves and the show and didn’t want anything to ruin that. But that also made it sad, too. That’s not the kind of relationship I want — I don’t want to be hiding.” Their characters Leonard and Penny are the fictional relationship we probably think about the most, even if 99% of our thoughts are, “No, not ever. Never in a million years. Uh-uh, no way would this happen. Hell no”.  And now to find that it really happened? Time for us to rewatch EVERY EPISODE FOR CLUES!

The two have since broken up (JUST LIKE IN THE SHOW!) but remain friends. Says Kaley, “When you’re dealing with two professionals who have been working since they were both 4 — and who kept their lives extremely private — we didn’t want anything other than that.” Please, please let life imitate fan fiction and have Kaley hook up with Sheldon…um, we mean, co-star Jim Parsons. We know he’s (probably) not such a painful nerdlinger in real-life, but seriously, we need to see that happen.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jenny McCarthy Chats About Her “Hairy” First Playboy Shoot With A Visibly Stunned Oprah

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In a rare glimpse of a talk show host being literally struck speechless, Oprah Winfrey was shocked, shocked by talk of  Jenny McCarthy’s unruly bikini line on her show yesterday. Winfrey’s jaw practically dropped onto the sound stage as McCarthy shared TMI times ten about showing up to her first Playboy shoot au naturale.

Jenny all but used hand puppets to explain how, “All of a sudden I hear WOAH, WOAH! And I said is there anything on it? What’s wrong?” It took a kindly makeup artist to explain to Jenny, “They said they never saw anyone as hairy as you in their entire life!”. The same stylist then joked about the brush she had used to comb out McCarthy’s lady bits, saying, “I guess I’m not using this one again!” Pardon us while we die, forever.

If we were Oprah, who finishes her show’s final season next year, we would have made Gayle King fetch us a lavender eye pillow, shut off all the lights in the studio and made everyone go home after that story. That woman is too rich and too famous to deal with celebrities’ huge vintage bushes. She’s basically making  John Travolta fly 300 people to Australia, for pete’s sake! She doesn’t need to hear about anybody’s Muppet-looking lap mop.

by (@hallekiefer)

50 Cent Feels Like A “Fat Boy,” Has Love/Hate Relationship With Cake

50 Cent still loves you like a fat kid love cake, except now he actually love cake a little bit more. Tweeting that he feels like a “fat boy”, 50 Cent has been sounding an awful lot like Cathy on his Twitter recently, grouching “I’m going to the gym I’m not but I feel like a fat boy I’m so use to training. When I take a few days of I start thinking I’m a blimp lol. I watch people over train all the time I only work out 45min my diet changes everything you have to do both.” Let’s see…moping about being a blimp, not going to the gym, and complaining about it to your friends on Twitter: yup, 50 Cent is officially a tenth-grade girl.

As you may recall, the rapper dropped an insane number of pounds this spring for his role in Things Fall Apart, going from 214lbs to 160lbs in two months. In our opinion, 50 looks excellent now that he weights more than Amy Winehouse after a long weekend. We just hope 50 Cent’s guidance counselor thinks to take him aside after Chemistry and reminds him that he is beautiful, just the way he is. [Photo: ThisIs50/]

by (@hallekiefer)

Seth Rogen Engaged To Seth Rogen’s Girlfriend

Congratulations to Seth Rogen and his new fiancée, Seth Rogen’s fiancée! Sources report Seth Rogen is engaged to actress/writer Lauren Miller, popping the question last week after the couple visited family in Boston and, we’re assuming, Lauren’s dad asked Seth to join him in the garage for a “little talk”.  You might recognize Lauren from such films as Zac and Miri Make A Porno, Superbad and Observe and Report, which we’re sure is just a happy coincidence and not the result of letting the star see her naked all the time.

Said a friend of Rogen, “He surprised her with the proposal. She’d started giving up hope that he would ever pop the question.” Seth and Lauren, who are both 28, started dating in 2004. Six years seems a little premature for Lauren to be worried Seth was going the permanent bachelor route; it’s not like he’s George Clooney here. Which by the way, Elisabetta Canalis, if you’re reading this: start giving up hope now.

Seth has joked before, “I have a girlfriend who is far prettier than I should have,” though we’re assuming he made that crack before he was a skinny, in-demand comedy star and looked more like a sarcastic grizzly bear escaping from the zoo. Either way, we couldn’t be more excited for the happy couple. Now we just find a fiancée for Jonah Hill so he doesn’t start moping around the house watching ANTM marathons. One, two, three, not it!

by (@hallekiefer)

Jenny McCarthy, Rest Of America Quit Jim Carrey When It Wasn’t “Fun Anymore”

Jim Carrey Wears Jenny McCarthy's Bathing Suit

When on Oprah today, Jenny McCarthy fielded questions about ex Jim Carrey, saying, “You know, the simple word I can give – and there’s a few, so let me say a few. The first thing is, when it’s not fun anymore, you need to start investigating and do an inquiry into the relationship.” We know that Jenny meant any relationship could potentially collapse on itself like a moldy pumpkin, but her answer also makes us wonder: what did happen to the old, fun Jim Carrey? One year he’s crawling out of a rubber rhinoceros vagina in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; the next he is at the forefront of lobbying for greener rice production.  We tip our hats to Jim’s work with his Better U Foundation, but if we dated him, he would be required to talk out of his butt at least once per romantic dinner date.

McCarthy and Carrey were, however, a great couple while it lasted: living, laughing, curing autism. At least Jenny hasn’t lost her sense of humor about it, tweeting, “Watch Oprah today. I’m on it. My mom said she peed her pants watching it but probably cuz she’s old.” Jenny’s mom and us have that in common! [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Helen Mirren’s Beauty Tips Are Just Like Ours!: Stripper Heels And “Sucking It In”

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According to a new interview with actress Helen Mirren, stripper heels and “sucking it in” are essential to a woman’s allure, meaning the Academy-Award-winning actress gives the same beauty advice as your middle school best friend’s mother, the one who always made you uncomfortable by talking about her boyfriend/s and tried to give you a wine cooler in the fifth grade.

Says Mirren, “Four-inch platforms give you great height and make your legs look unbelievably long. I used only to be able to get them in stripper shops, but now you can buy them everywhere – although, unfortunately, that means everyone else has discovered the trick too.” Helen went on to explain how to use Kool-Aid as a lip stain and how Preperation H calms the wicked inner thigh bruises you get from working the pole.  In case we forgot from Mirren’s shoplifting and coke-filled past, Helen is really hard-core. We’d change $20 into a pile of singles for her any day of the week.

Mirren also described how, “Holding your tummy in is another trick for making you look and feel good. I don’t know why, but I do, by nature, hold my tummy in.” That’s how Helen Mirren does it. She can be a two-time Best Actress winner who can afford the world’s fanciest, diamond-stunned Spanx, and she’ll still opt for the “hillbilly tummy tuck” every time. [Photo: Getty Images]