Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Lady Gaga’s Pop Pop Passes Away

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In sad celebrity news, Lady Gaga’s grandfather died last Friday. We can imagine him in heaven now, still trying to get his granddaughter to put on a sweater when they go to Applebee’s, for chrissake. Gaga shared a great relationship with her 88-year-old gramps; at one show she even dedicated the song “Speechless” to him, explaining, “I’m really close with my grandpa.” At least he got to see his granddaughter wear a dress made out of meat to accept an award for her insanely-successful music. What more could a man could ask for in life?

Gaga has famously been close to the men in her family, crediting her father for helping her kick a nasty coke habit and generally being her biggest supporter. We’d love to know what Grandad Gaga passed onto his grandchild. The ability to believe in herself? The shimmer powder that best highlights an exposed pelvic bone? She had to learn those things somewhere!

Over the weekend Gaga tweeted, “Having a Perfect Manhattan, for my perfect guy. Love you Giuseppe,” the Italian form of her grandfather’s name, Joseph Germanotta. Here is where we would normally make a joke about a tasteful pantsless memorial service, but honestly we are too busy blinking back tears and hugging every man over 50 that walks past our cubicle to do it.  [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki Hospitalized With Alcohol Poisoning – Or In Medical Terms, “Being Snooki”

We know we laugh at these Jersey Shore fools a lot: Oh,  how they love to drunkenly fight, smush and smush-fight!  But still, we don’t want any of them to die. We gasped in horror and held our handkerchiefs to our mouths today when we found out Snooki had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning during the filming of the second season.

We don’t understand how that girl drinks at all, given how teeny she is. In our mind Snickers should be sipping out of a thimble, or an acorn. She should also have a pointed red hat and talk to a fox and live in a hole in the ground. Basically we want Snooki to be a little Jersey David the Gnome. But she has to stay alive to do it!

A source told Radar that Snooki “was so drunk that she had to be carried out of the nightclub ‘Dream’ by the show’s producers.” We imagine someone just picked Snooki up like a sleeping bag and carted her out under their arm. After her visit to the doctor, “Snooki was out of commission for about two days and was left in pain after undergoing the hospital treatment.”

We guess we shouldn’t be that surprised. For all we know, every night at Beachcomber’s went from fist-pumping to stomach-pumping real quick, with The Situation and Pauly D doing a round of salt-water lavages in the hot tub. We just hope Snooki learned her lesson about getting stinking drunk following her arrest. If something bad happens now, Snicks, you’ll never savor another pickle again, or get to be John McCain’s running mate/wife. And that is too tragic for us to think about.

by (@hallekiefer)

James Franco Gets A ‘D’ In Acting Class Because He Was Too Good Or Never Went

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Where we come from “D” stands for Diploma, but for James Franco, getting a “D” in acting class at NYU isn’t quite so reassuring. “I did the work, I did well in everything else,” Franco insists, but suggests that his professor was uneasy with having a famous actor in his class. Hmm, that seems like a pretty convenient answer, James. Based on what we know about Franco’s classroom behavior, we’re guessing the truth is James spent more time face-down drooling on the syllabus than he did pretending to be a tree or learning how to cry on command.

Franco also pointed that he missed quite a number of classes due to this shooting schedule for his new flick 127 Hours with Amber Tamblyn and Lizzy Caplan….which was shot in Moab, Utah. Who knew starring in a movie that films 2,127 miles away might wreck your perfect attendance record? That’s like us taking Intro To Computer Science at Columbia while trying to keep a desk job in Greenland.

Alternately, maybe if Franco wasn’t enrolled in 18 different colleges at a time he’d be able to show up to one of them on a regular basis. Even now Franco is studying art at the Rhode Island School of Design and working on a PhD in English at Yale! A PhD! How is that even possible? We are almost certain they don’t let you sleep through those. [Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

The Jailhouse Glamour Of Lindsay Lohan

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In the future, we are just going to tell time by how frequently Lindsay Lohan’s new mugshot is released. Though it seems like an eternity, it was actually only three Lohan-years-ago when Lindsay’s first jail pic dropped. In memorial we wanted to take a moment and pay homage to the timeless fashion choices Lohan has made in her pretty prison photos:

Summer 2007: An earthy, sun-kissed look, perfect for drunkenly careening through a parking lot as you chase your assistant through the night, or run over a man’s foot. Your mouth will stay gaping open forever once you see Lindsay’s clean, classic look, and the impressive amount of cocaine she’s managed to spill on it.

Fall 2007: What goes with a SCRAM bracelet? Everything. Some might say orange and yellow clash, but tell that to Lindsay’s face and hair. Sam Ronson was one lucky lady, when she wasn’t fending off slap fights. Lindsay may have stayed in jail for only 84 minutes after voluntarily turning herself in for two DUI charges, but hers is a look that will linger in fashion history forever.

Summer 2010: Devil may care! Because Lindsay certainly doesn’t, at least not about her career or professional reputation. Tanner, thinner, and starting her 90-day jail sentence, Lohan works that jumpsuit like she’s on a runway, probably because she’s so high she thinks she’s on a runway. Lindsay’s nails may have said “F*** U” to the judge, but her eyes say, “I’m going to start throwing drinks any minute, just to get your attention.”

Fall 2010: Lindsay Lohan’s most recent mugshot, or as we like to call them, jail-entines, proves Lindsay is once, twice, three times a lady made out of collagen. Lohan is always making bold choices, whether it’s a baby pink lip, a statement eye, or so much plastic surgery and weight-loss that her face looks like it belongs to a completely different person. Lohan also appears to have aged backwards over the course of her mug shots. Are Benjamin Button people the latest fashion trend? We’ll just have to wait for Lindsay’s next drug test to find out. Happy New Lohan Year!

by (@hallekiefer)

The Situation, Episode 2: Attack Of The Grenades

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That’s the thing about grenades, man: once they’re launched, you never know exactly where they are going to land. The Situation is learning that the hard way, as one of the women depicted as a grenade, or “lady beast”, in his iPhone video game is enraged to find out what her picture is being used for.  First The Situation can’t patent his nickname, and now this? At least we have GTL, baby. They can’t take that away from us.

Part of  The Situation’s iPhone app, Grenade Dodger requires the player to avoid unattractive women, so to get the gritty realism desirable in an iPhone app, Sitch’s crew went to the clubs to snap photos of “3′s and 4′s”, using those photos to provide the game with the requisite elephants and uggos…all without the women knowing they were going to be grenade-ified. We also took a peek at the ladies they used; if the Situation thinks those girls are beneath him, he has not looked in a mirror recently (well, above the neck anyway).

Things were going well until one of the women caught wind of the game, sources say, and “While the girls did know their photos were being taken, they were unaware they were about to become official grenades. It came as a complete surprise and at least one of them is now considering her legal options.” The Situation really blew this one. He was trying to avoid them, but now he’s about to find out what it’s like to have a mob of grenades coming at him from all sides! Batten down the hot tub; it’s going to be a long winter. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Matt LeBlanc Hulks Out On Reporter Who Dares Call Him “Joey”

If you’d asked us which former Friends cast member was due for a public meltdown, Matt LeBlanc wouldn’t have even made the short list (Oh, and don’t think we’ve given up on you just yet, Aniston). However, against all odds it was in fact Matt LeBlanc who screamed at a reporter for calling him “Joey”. The trouble started when Matt bumped into the table where a Mirror UK reporter was seated. The reporter joked, “You all right, Joey? How YOU do-in?” Why would you put your hand a tiger’s cage if you didn’t want to get bit, we ask? Just why?

LeBlanc apparently lost it, shouting “I’m not Joey. Don’t you dare call me Joey. The papers say I’m finished, so don’t call me f***ing Joey. I want to leave that all behind. I’m moving on.” Yikes, “how you doin” was going to be our intro line if we ever met LeBlanc in real life. Glad someone took that one for a test-drive before we did!

Continued LeBlanc on his rant, “I’m not Joey. For the last time. I’m not f***ing Joey. It’s Matt. Matt LeBlanc. Joey’s in the past. I’m trying to do something new.” Matt as been searching for another hit after trying his hand at failed projects like his sitcom Joey and…um…well, we’re sure there have been others. Plenty of others. We bet it would be hard to move past your role as everyone’s fifth favorite Friend (sorry Courtney Cox Arquette!), so we hope his new British project Episodes pans out. Or LeBlanc can just go home to his mansion and pet his millions of dollars, because oh right, he was on Friends.

by (@hallekiefer)

Sexism Doesn’t Just Affect The Ladies: Only $30,000 For Vinnie To Get Naked In Playgirl?

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Somebody get Gloria Allred on the phone! Jersey Shore’s Vinnie has been visited with a huge injustice…and an even more massive solution. Vinnie Guadagnino was offered $30,000 to pose naked in Playgirl after rumors of his mammoth manhood started circulating. Friends with benefits Snooki once described their midnight encounters as “putting a watermelon in a pinhole”, which sounds exactly like the type of thing we would shell out the price of Playgirl to see. But $30,000? That is an outright insult, and a slap to the face to dudes everywhere. While, that’s barely even enough to cover a side boob in J-Woww’s Playboy deal!

To sweeten the pot Playgirl has also offered to drop some cash at CloneAWilly to create a sex toy from a mold of Vinnie’s unit. If they sell well, this could be the thing that rockets Vinnie past his 15 minutes of fame. Maybe he can finagle a spot as Wawa’s Classic Hoagie spokesperson and start hawking his own $5 footlong. He’ll be like Jared Fogel, but with more tattoos and fewer other job prospects. Either way, he’s still looking good. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

A Crazy Fan Spray-Paints A Giant Love Note For Madonna. More Like Crazy Romantic!

The scariest thing about being a mega-celebrity like Madonna must be the one unhinged stalker you are bound to get at some point in your career. That or being accidentally crushed under your giant pile of Grammys and $1,000 bills. Yesterday a crazed fan spray-painted love notes outside Madonna’s New York apartment, and we will say, he is not shy about telling a girl how he really feels.

Retired firefighter Robert Linhart was arrested for criminal mischief after he painted a series of large signs and propped them up near the apartment, including one that read, “M, the Universe brought us together in 1992 and again this year in Prague. Meet me please XXX.” The world is his Missed Connections page! We think maybe Madonna should give this offer some consideration. So things never really panned out with Jesus Luz or A-Rod; at least Robert has a fireman’s pension, poetry in his soul, and metal bars surrounding him so he can’t break up with you and start dating Kate Hudson whenever he wants. Just something to think about.

by (@hallekiefer)

Joaquin Phoenix May Play Leo DiCaprio’s Lover In An Actual Movie, Not Just Our Slash Fiction

Someone must have gotten their hands on our diary from the tenth grade, because not only are two of our favorite heartthrobs Leonard DiCaprio and Joaquin Phoenix rumored to be starring in a film together, they will also be getting their smooch on…with each other.

Sources say a newly shaven and deloused Joaquin Phoenix may play Leo DiCaprio’s lover in Clint Eastwood’s new film Hoover, a biopic about famed FBI director J. Edgar Hoover that explores his rumored romance with protege Clyde Tolson; it will also be the actors’ first movie together. And here we were, content to just edit together clips of Signs and Catch Me If You Can, sync them up to Taylor Swift’s “Mine” and upload them onto YouTube. Hurray for Hollywood!

After admitting that his performance in Casey Affleck’s movie I’m Still Here was an elaborate hoax, we’re just happy to see Phoenix getting roles at all. If nothing else it will be a chance for everyone to remember what a smoking hot hottie Joaquin used to be before he became scraggly, sleeping-under-an-overpass-but-not-really Joaquin. What better way to celebrate his return to attractiveness than to have Phoenix hop in the sack with DiCaprio under the direction of Oscar-winning director Clint Eastwood. Oh…oh no! Now Clint’s in there too! Argh, get out of our imaginations, Eastwood! We’re sure this movie will be excellent if these two co-star in it, but if you’ll excuse us, we have to go scrub our brains out with lye.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jodie Foster Defends “Easiest, Nicest”, Craziest Person Mel Gibson

With friends like Jodie Foster, who needs a trial lawyer? Oh right, still Mel Gibson. Recently The Beaver director Jodie Foster defended Mel Gibson despite his racist, sexist and anti-Semitic rants. Says Foster about her leading man, Gibson is the “easiest, nicest person I’ve ever worked with… The second I met him, I said, ‘I will love this man for the rest of my life.’” Well, not love in that sense; you can lose your veneers for that. Foster also went on to add, “Oh, but I don’t support the girlfriend-beating, drunk driving or the use of the n-word.” JUST KIDDING! She said no such thing.

Continued Foster, “Of course, Mel is an undeniably gifted actor and director, and The Beaver is one of his most powerful and moving performances. But more importantly, he is and has been a true and loyal friend. I hope I can help him get through this dark moment.” Hol’ up. The Beaver, a film about a delusional man with a talking puppet on his hand, is one of Gibson’s most stirring roles? Ooooooooooh, now we get it. Foster is afraid no one will see her Beaver picture if they think Mel is some kind of monster that famous people don’t like. Well don’t worry Jodie. Lucky for you, 76% of people will still see your movie despite Gibson’s personal Vesuvius. Lucky for you, bad for the soul of everyone who thinks that movie actually sounds kind of cool…